^*@&*##$(*!&@!

I can't do res. This isn't for me. I want to come home. I feel like a prisoner here... I can't leave AMA because it's too expensive so I have to wait until I am either discharged or my insurance runs out... \


xoxo -Lisa

Not really sure

everything seems to be up in the air. I've lost control of my treatment--- of what is best for me. I feel as if my voice doesn't matter, but then again- I went into treatment where I basically handed over my control to my treatment team. But never have I felt so vulnerable, out of the loop and confused. Even Nancy today on the phone- told me, everything is grey right now and...well...even though 1/3 of my wardrobe is gray I HATE THE DAMN COLOR. I hate what it represents to me- it represents confusion. I just want to know where things are going- who I'm going to be working with. Things with Nancy aren't the same as before- but I am finally realizing a lot of that actually is me projecting my feelings onto her. But, shit- if it does so happen that it is decided she can do the most for me that she has and it's time for me to move on... I don't know how I'm going to react...even though the thought has crossed my head a lot. I , WE ( my team ) just don't know where things are going for me.

They want me to stabilize more. I AM TRYING DAMMIT... and honestly- I believe I am quite stable.

I just wish I had more of a voice in everything....and that I could know the future because I hate uncertainty.

xoxo -Lisa

another impulsive piercing hah. what number is this? like 7?

eye brow piercing!!!!   easy to hide too....

         

LOVE IT!!!

xoxo

-Lisa

Finding Neverland

I feel raw and naked. I have nothing to hide behind anymore. I have no walls. I just want to be protected. In my initial intake at ACE, there were a lot of questions about being afraid to grow up- I wasn't afraid at all, dammit- I wanted to grow up and be out in the world.

yeah...well...it's too damn scary. I think part of me is using my ED to not move forward---I don't want to grow up. I want to find neverland and just be protected. Peter Pan Syndrome- hello Lisa. Never thought I'd be saying this...

I can list off so many hassles and things I've lost due to these issues but yet...right now- it doesn't phase me. Why? I wish I knew.

I had to cancel a lunch date with Alex which lunch dates should be simple enough right? but no, not for me because I wouldn't eat and...that makes a "LUNCH" date awkward. I kept apologizing and she kept saying- it's a lunch date- it should be easy, not like pulling teeth....major fail...and she's my best friend. You'd think that I can pull it together for her....

I panicked last night around 3 AM and called my dad crying and crying. I just wanted to quit my job- the job where I sit and don't do too much. it's not stressful at all and I'm good at talking to people. It's the perfect job for me while I'm in treatment but the fact that it had two things made me want to just run. RUN FAR FAR AWAY

1. commitment. When I'm on the schedule- I need to show up- no matter how depressed I feel.
2. responsibility. That speaks for itself

and yano what- those two things make me scared. But...now I'm fine....I'm sitting at work and I'm fine.

My life is a fucking roller coaster emotionally. I feel as if emotionally I am not stable enough to hold onto anything. This makes me feel utterly and completely useless. One positive thing though. I have had this job for close to 2 months.... which is the longest I have held a job since I got treatment. Even though last night I didn't give a shit if I got fired because I was so overwhelmed and in distress...

what the hell Lisa? You're 22. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.

xoxo -Lisa

I'm back

I've just kinda and I guess still have a major hurdle to jump through. But Amy said that I was becoming more like myself today. That's a good sign. I'm trying. It's hard as hell but I'm trying. Started a DBT skills group... uhm-- I actually like it- shhh lol

I'm sorry to all my friends & bloggers that I've just been totally MIA on-- my head has just been screwed on wrong lately- but I'm getting to feel a bit better.  Feeling better video link

but a hard thing- fighting the bpd behaviors along with the anxiety and distress I've been having has really screwed with my appetite- as in- I have none and that is sooooo triggering for my ED. boo.

xoxo -Lisa

....

flipping out...breathe Lisa breathe.

xoxo -Lisa

DON'T SELF HARM!!!! JUST DON'T!!!!!!!!

it's NOT worth it. I finally get why it's wrong. FINALLY. took me fucking long enough to understand

video link 
and speaking of youtube. How in the hell have I gotten close to 90 subscribers ( It's my cats isn't it? Everyone wants to see my cats jump around ) when I orginally made them for friends who aren't in atlanta that wanted to see my "beautiful" face o and bc I had been following other vlogs. 

xoxo -Lisa

All I wanted was a hug...

I sent Nancy an email last night- "I really really just want a hug. Would you do that or is there a reason you wouldn't?" She emailed me back basically saying that the response was complicated and needed to be explained in person rather than through email/voicemail but to not expect a hug today. Well that threw me off emotionally for the majority of the morning. Amy's hugged me.... I just really want a hug from Nancy but.. yeah...I trust her for her reasons not to- it just still sucks. SUCKS ASS.

I went into Amy's office today and handed over everything I had in my apt that I had ever used to cut myself- I'm done- I really want to be done. It's never been this bad before. Amy helped me put gauze on it and wrap it up. I look retarded but that isn't the point.

To be honest: I can't recall what we talked about in my therapy sessions other than "Dr.W, me and Nancy are really worried about you" apparently- because I'm not remembering coherent conversations I've had with them. I'll remember that they called but not remember any of the context. Okay, i my defense this usually only happens when I woken up by the phone call. This has happened to me ever since I was put on seroquel a few months ago. They think it's because I'm "abusing my drugs"

I may be messing around w/my klonopin but not to get high or stoned... just to zonk me out because I want to sleep during the day when I'm not at work. I'm pretty deep into some odd depressive state. I just want out but I don't really know how. I feel the loneliest than I ever have. I could be standing in a room full of all my awesome friends ( no offense to y'all ) and still feel totally alone, but the worst part is gluing a fucking smile on my face and then interacting with others when all I want to do is cry and feel like I'm wanted.

IN OTHER NEWS- WHAT THE FUCK. Justin Bieber has a MOVIE coming out that is a biography of his life. How old is he? Like 10? I want a movie about my life--- okay, actually I don't- everyone would know how crazy I am. BUT REALLY? The first time I heard his first hit...whatever it was called- I didn't know if it was a guy/girl singing it...someone hasn't hit puberty yet!

ALSO- I am ready- I'm ready to move forward this year with my therapy. I'm ready to try to stop acting out. I'm ready to ask what I want and to answer what I need to this year. I want to get the most out of therapy this year that I can. ( hence: me putting myself out there and asking Nancy for a hug...which I still don't totally get why she won't, since other therapists have.." but eh. I'm going to continue to ask questions regardless of whether or not I may get rejected. How else are they supposed to help me if I'm not honest?

I see my dietician in 2 days. I've dropped... uh quite a few lbs since she last saw me. shit. And to be honest- I don't want to deal with my eating disorder right now. I almost honestly don't care about that part- I have no goal weight- I have no active desires to use symptoms- I'm too entrenched to trying to not lock myself in my closet and stare at the walls for days on end.  I want to deal with my emotional state that makes me want to cut, abuse my drugs, sleep all day ( basically my depression hah ) and my lack of personality first. I know dealing with all of those things ALONG with the stress of trying to follow my meal plan perfectly...will drive me up the wall and I'll probably say fuck it and walk away.

Please believe- I REALLY AM TRYING- sometimes it seems like I'm giving in and I may be for the time being but dealing with all of this is just so exhausting..but I am trying. I really am. 


Holy mother of god- this was a depressing post. shit sorry y'all. on a positive note : I GET PAID FRIDAY!!!! so I'll have more than $7.84 in my checking account...lol

I just want my personality back. I want my relationship with Nancy back. I want her to hug me.

xoxo -Lisa

Self Mutilation

Okay, if you're squeamish around blood- exit this browner now. I'm the not syncing this to my fb either. This is a very personal topic for me and has only been getting worse and more private. I am sharing it here because I feel as if the judgement won't be the same as regular public.

Tomorrow-I am going to hand over Amy all my tools that I used to do thses wonderful things to myself. Amy already took away my tape measure and I am offering up these tools. This isn't worth it. It's SO hard to fight and I just can't have the temptation there.

2 weeks ago. 14 days....

1/24/11- after Amy gauzed it and wrapped it in medical tape

SO THIS KIDS IS WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER START CUTTING BC IT ONLY GETS WORSE...TRUST ME. THERE IS NOTHING GLAMOUROUS ABOUT IT. NOTHING. AT ALL.

today,only 14 after the one above
SERIOULY DON'T START

xoxo -Lisa

I ran headfirst into a train. go me.

Uhm. okay, not literally. I'm safe- no broken/dismembered limbs. Still one whole piece of Lisa. But, basically last night was a giant giant TRAIN WRRREEECKKKK. Not sure how it happened. Thanks Jamie, Alex and Ragan for listening to my hysterical screaming ( which probably made no sense ).

So I basically emailed Nancy and Amy and said I hate myself- I'm done with therapy and you're all better off w/me out me. bpd much? hah. too bad Amy emailed me this morning when i said I'd go to group. Group started at 1030- I woke up at 11. SHIT. [ sarcasm ] o well. I'm going to get in trouble for that one. Then Nancy called a few minutes ago- I was on the phone- my phone is retarded and didn't show a call waiting- she hasn't called back. I have a feeling my convos with Nancy and Amy aren't going to be a walk in the park today since I told them last night that I was peacing out and that I hoped they had a better life without me.

So my session with Amy didn't quite go as planned- well I'm not sure what was planned but I ended up in hysterical tears ( big surprise ) . She ended up basically giving me a hug without asking. I think at the end of our sessions I look like an abandoned dog on the side of the road. wait- no excuse me- puppy. I wish Nancy would hug me. hmrph.

BUT on a total side note : No Strings Attached- the movie- I HATED IT. I hated the end. HATE HATE HATE. Maybe it's just me, and my wonderful friend who saw the movie with me pointed out that this is why i'm seeing 2 psychologists and 1 psychiatrist. I HATE THAT THEY end up together. The fucking movie is called NO GODDAMN STRINGS FUCKING ATTACHED- okay without the goddamn and fucking. but..uhm hello. And yes, I know- that term is basically impossible- strings are always attached but I don't want to ruin the movie for anyone but there is ONE SCENE- ONE- where Ashton Kutcher ( SOOO HOTTT ) picks up the phone and lets Natalie Portman have it- movie should have ended there. that's just my take.


ON ANOTHER SIDE NOTE (video link )- obviously i have been having a slight jeggings obsession...and I FOUND O M G a perfect pair of grey jeggings...at TARGET for...$16.99!!!!! okay...I also got them in a size 14 in the children's section bc there weren't any as awesome in the women's section...but... but...That's half the price of the HUE ones and that almost makes me want to return the other ones...but I already wore them...twice so eh, I love them both. Also- there were an AMAZING pair of grey flat boots that I wanted so badly for $7. SEVEN DOLLARS but I couldn't squeeze my giant feet into them ( my giant size 6 1/2 feet... )  but I ended up getting an amazing pair of black leather ones instead that are flat for $8. I LOVE target sales and of course I got some awesome stuff at Platos closet.

MY BANK ACCOUNT CURRENTLY HAS $7.85. I'm fucked. I don't get paid for 9 days. shit.


OH YEAH- then I had to go get my wonderful meds- on uhm hmm, seroquel, lamictal, ambien, prozac and some new shit (Luvox) my psych put me on that he gave me samples for. Yeah that's supposed to help with OCD and obsessive shit. haha. we'll see how that goes.

so, moral of the story kids- don't have hysterical break downs- nothing good comes out of them- don't watch "No strings attached" unless you love stereotypical chick flicks ( WHICH I HAAATTTEEE ) and if you can get jeggings at Target in the girl's section- DO IT.

the end. OH ALSO- side note: when you are in hysterics- don't write emails to your therapists saying random impulsive things. yeah. i always ALWAYS learn that the hard way. Please don't say I told you so Jamie. Love you thanks :)

o also- ED wise- I'm not even going to say anything. yeah. wonderful huh.


xoxo -Lisa

Dear Jamie :) the fine print

DUDE- so the fine print in this thing call the "eating disorder" brochure that it just so happens all the tweenies seems to be getting, that's the fine print that's being looked over- just as all the fine print in all things get overlooked and then it comes back and bites you in the ass.

I made a video(link) -just about the consequences of bulimia that aren't the typical- yeah u loose hair, you loose your perios, you grow this thin layer of skin..WHATEVEr...that's not it. there's more to it. everyone is so much different, everyone's body reacts different

All I can say my GREAT ephiphany Saturday, I believe, just got shot out the window. yeah happens alot. I'm just going to take things as they come. I have realized one really major thing today. I don't hate purging like I used to. SHIT. that is not a good thing at all....

plsu- i've been zonking out on Ambien everyday around 4 and walking up at 9 then passting out again around 1. GOD I LOVE MY LIFE ( well this is when I'm not at work )

i wanna go shopping but my damn paycheck comes in a week. I want another pair of jeggings dammit. lol. Although I have NO DOUBT in mymind I'm going Plato's closet tomorrow after seeing Amy. haha

OH AND MY MEETING WITH NANCY WAS HORRIBLE. i feel like she doesn't care anymore. at all. i know that's my black and white thinking. I just don't fee like she cares like the same as before. I eel like I've pissed her off. I can't have a working relationship with a therapist if there is a barrier when she doesn't trust or respect my requestions when I don't tihnk that they are ridiculous. Okay, so we spent the entire time talking about WHY I really needed her to tell me if she had one. that's another entry but it wasn't JUST curriosity... I just need it for my treatment. I'm ready to quit. I know I'm not but I am just such a mess. great wonderful. Amy would have offered me a hug. Nancy didn't.

xoxo -Lisa

Personalized IOP

That is what Amy called my new treatment plan today. A personalized version of intensive outpatient. I see her once a week, Nancy twice , my nutritionist when I am forced to, my psych on his terms and do a DAMN FUCKING DBT skills group once a week. I like but also don't like the idea of being back into an IOP sort of program. Amy keeps calling it that but it's far from what IOP at ACE/Ridgeview would be...but whatever. I've been in TWO DBT skills groups. I have the Linahan manual memorized from front to back and guess what? I still have not mastered nor LOVE her suggestions. I'm not bashing DBT- it really really works well for some people- I just have yet to see the results...but Nancy and Amy won't give up on me trying.

- yesterday's session with Amy was such a whirlwind of a mess for me- at the end she came to hug me and i practically jumped on her bc I needed the hug so badly...

SOOOOOO....

I'm sitting here at work- twiddling my thumbs basically. there's nothing left for me to do. i've done all there is. two more people are supposed to come in and check in... and... i'm sitting here online waiting for them and I don't get off work for another 4 hours. WOO. thank god for the internet and thank god I'm getting paid to sit here and write this blog. hah. granted- i don't get paid much hourly but hey, it's better than nothing and allows me to help my parents out in paying for my horrendous amount of treatment.

i bought an amazing pair of HUE jeggings yesterday and I am totally going back to the mall Friday ( after my paycheck ) and getting another pair in a different color. The ones I have now are like black jeans- i'm going to go and get ones that are denim colored. they look like jeans- they have the pockets and everything and front whatever it's called but they are SOOOO comfy and not butt ass tight like some of the other jeggings I've tried on ( or I would NOT be wearing them ).I never in a million years thought i'd like jeggings...much less like them so much to spend $34 fucking bucks on them. i normally am such a thrifty shopper i don't buy like ANYTHING over $20 unless it's the world's most awesome steal...speaking of awesome steal- I got a pair of Michael Kors boots ( awesome black leather 2 or maybe 3 inch heel ) for $16. $16!!!!!!! but yeah. jeggings.

- - - - - - - --  -

Also- after that WONDERFUL epiphany I had in my previous post..I realized something ( when i massively fucked up the next day ) --- i realized I can't all of a sudden attempt to be perfect at recovery. I had a whole menu planned out for me by literally every few hours. Well..that went well for a while- I had eaten more throughout the day and healthy stuff at that than i had done in months...yeah well i ended up in a GIANT b/p ...get this- at work. great huh. And then I felt like a massive failure... but I've realized- start small...but I almost don't know how to start small... because ... it's hard as shit both ways. it's hard as fuck to eat w/out feeling horridly guilty and just AWFUL and restricting ain't a walk in the park either. And obviously binging and purging sucks ass. What option am I left with? This question often actually leaves me feeling quite defeated and just fucked...but I know that's not the end answer-- i just need to figure out what the end answer is.

ALSO ALSO: DAMMIT- this seems to follow me everywhere. The server at the place where I had lunch fucking commented on how I was eating. SERIOUSLY?! SOCIAL SKILLS PEOPLE. TOTES INAPPROPRIATE TO COMMENT ON OTHER'S EATING BEHAVIORS when you don't know them.

xoxo -Lisa

Including more of me in my blog

I want to change the topic of this blog. I want to add more of "me" in this blog. Of what else I do on a daily basis other than just my ED and BPD. Yes, my ED and BPD play a HUGE HUGE part of my life. I tried and thought about making an entirely separate blog but then I realized that my life as a whole is neither me just as my eating disorder and my recovery. I have other aspects of my life and i really want to be able to write about all of it as well. I need this to also remind me that I have more to myself as well :) That I am not just my eating disorder or all my other craziness...

so, today called for some INTENSE retail therapy after my session with Amy. I was in such hysterics and probably looked like a abandoned puppy on the side of the road. Amy did say that she and Nancy both practice with the style of not having us becoming reliant on them. WAIT..WHAT? well, uhm- that's failing on their end. I do and just wonder what life would be like if I had just been where I was before- no intense relationships other than friendships. I felt like I was functioning a lot better. It makes me wonder if therapy has made me worse because there are just some things that aren't meant to be introspected...we don't have to understand everything about ourselves... but I do see Nancy on Thursday--- I think i'm going to vomit...and I also have a food plan for the next few days... I'm not going to think about eating on any sort of regular healthy schedule- I'm going to eat when I'm comfortable- yes, I know- step back but yesterday's massive fail made me think that this is an easier transition. I hate binging and I just do NOT want to do it again.

BUT- I will have to admit- just as any broke 20 something year old- my favorite story in the mall is ...DUM DUM DUM...Forever 21 ( duh ). I have always had a simple style of a few staple colors- black-grey-white-beige. YUP. I know- I am super exciting but I've lately been really into the baggier tops- not only do they help me hide my body but it just so happens...ALSO IN STYLE. perfect for me-- since I'm still not okay with tight form fitting clothes. Okay...so this sweatshirt-- I almost bought...it was like I was in a grocery store- i had it in my arms, put it back, went back and got it again x1000 . I thought the sweatshirt with the giant heart was adorable but this simple sweatshirt was $17.80. I donno- I do know if I want it, I can never go back and get it again bc that's how XXI is.

What I did get that I LOVEEEE-

--and I have a feeling a few people I know will say I have plently of shirts that look just like those... but like I said, black, grey, white and beige are my staple colored shirts lol. Simple baggy shirts with necklaces and earrings. I've never liked extremely embellished clothes. I'd rather add on with accessories to something really simple.


and i love cheap jewerly. I've gotten so many necklaces and earrings... those ($3.80) !

AND a pair of HUE Jeggings ( finally )

retail therapy does wonders...

xoxo -Lisa

dear eating disorder- go to hell. thank you

go to hell and stay there. video link. 

xoxo -Lisa

I'm not with stupid anymore. I'm done self destructing.

I'm done doing this. I'm done self destructing. 

I can't continue this mentally or physically. My body is falling apart. I am tired all the time, my head always hurts and I'm always dizzy. This is not in any way worth it because I don't even care how I look, I'm just giving in to the easiest habits, the ones I don't have to really think about and the ones I'm comfortable with.

Well- that has got to fucking change. I can no longer do this. It's too miserable and exhausting ( literally ). It's not worth it- I don't even know why I'm doing it really. 

I'm done giving in- I'm going to start swimming. I'm sick and tired , literally , of just hurting myself, literally too. 

Like the picture says- I'm no longer with stupid. ED is a fucking stupid relationship and I'm done. I'm walking away for once. Go to fucking hell. Seriously and please stay there dammit.

xoxo -Lisa

fuck me. i'm in limbo

I'm not here and I almost don't want to come back. I'm totally in limbo land. I hit a car- in a parking lot. barely fucking moving and instead of panicking or really even reacting- i thought shit and just sat in my car- called a friend and my dad...then felt nothing.

I can't respond video blog link

i feel like everything is all too much but at the same time nothing at all. I think I am getting so overwhelmed that I am literally disconnecting. I don't even want to come back-I feel like I literally can't at this moment. Everytime I do- I seem to black out because later I know that event happened but I can't recall details.

I'm realizing that there ARE NO get out of jail free cards- at least not for me ( it feels like ). Everything at some point comes back and bites me in the ass. HARD. Sometimes more traumatic things trump certain events but eventually I end up having to deal with it...even when I think I had escaped it, I never do.

Nancy called this morning because I left her a panicking voicemail last night. Uhm, I don't remember a single thing I said....but I do remember calling. I've had several instances of blacking out events in the last week by accident. Just I guess it was too much for me- i remember calling her and hanging up such as with other things I remember the before and after- but not the actual act. oops. [ sarcasm ]- black out example- and WHAT I GOT OUT OF THAT WAS puffy eyes- now i look so legit asian- the worst headache of my life- worse than any hangover.... o and I don't think I've woken up at all today. maybe that's why i hit a car... but back to Nancy.

Apparently the only things she understood were "you probably can't understand a thing i'm saying". hah. how ironic...bc I had no idea what I did say. I was able to be open and honest with her. I felt as if the entire time she was gone- I've done nothing by go back to old habits, make bad decisions and really fail miserably at trying to give her her space and de-tach for a while. She asked me something about regret- this phone conversation is something that I only remember bits and peices of... why? because i was crying the entire time- and I remember saying -- every single time I contacted you- i regret. I feel as if every single point on contact was just another failure. I honestly don't feel like I succeeded at a single thing over this break--- i don't know why i keep calling it a break- i graduated dammit.

but I'm scared. I'm scared to see her on the 20th because I feel like ...I feel so emotionally draining to deal with. I feel like I am difficult. OKAY, what the hell- I am difficult- i would NEVER NEVER date me or be my therapist. good lord- i feel sorry for any guy I've been involved with and for Nancy and Amy.


xoxo -Lisa

It's snowing in atlanta.. the irrational train is pulling in the station

and I have a first class ticket on this damn train. LOVE IT...

Everything right now is irrational- video blog link

I HAVE ALWAYS PRIDED MYSELF ON BEING RATIONAL DAMMIT. Now, here are my examples on how my world and I have seemed to jump onto the irrational bus-- no not the short bus- it's even worse than that-it's the irrational one. 

1. Numero Uno- it's snowing in atlanta, ga. WHAT .THE . FUCK . not a like tiny little snowflake here and there- nope-- there is actual snow on the ground. Its white outside...okay I'm used to snow- I am not from the south. What I am not used to is there being snow and the world fucking ending. Atlanta has shut down basically. yup, SHUT DOWN. I drove to work bc I was sick of sitting in my apt ( okay well I braved the roads yesterday as well, probably a bad idea ) and now I'm stuck at work... in one of the hotel rooms. Why? Because it snowed..OH TWO DAYS AGO and the roads still are fucked up. glorious love it. Yes, so I am in the south and I am stuck in a "snow storm' Last winter I was stuck in a snowstorm...yes but I was in Columbus, Ohio and there was like.. a foot of snow or something. Not 3 inches. can ya tell? I am not amused by this snow. NO, I did not go sledding or play in the snow. No the sight of white precipitate did not make me smile. 

2. Numero dos - my eating disorder voice is screaming at me. Eating disorders are nothing but irrational. DUH. why the hell does anyone want to be slowly causing their body to shut down? OH I DON'T KNOW but I'm doing it for some reason? Is it because I want to be skinny for boys? hell no, I don't give a shit about them. it's for me. Okay, I'm 22 and I'd rather look what I FIND attractive more than some guy I might like...? and no, I am not a lesbian. Doesn't seem rational to me. 

NUMBER 3- here's the big one. My thoughts about others and my worries about others don't transfer to myself. HUH? Yes, I know- I worded that in the worst way possible but hey, I didn't major in english or anything so cut me a break. Example- since I obviously have been in treatment--- i have quite a few friends who are also suffering from EDs. Okay, well if I hear about any physical ailments they are having- I kind of mentally freak. I worry and I want nothing bad to happen to them. I get scared that one day I'll wake up and they might be gone because of all the damage they are doing to their bodies or how low their weight is. Yeah, well...i could be at a similar weight and I could be using just as many damn symptoms and I dont worry about my own ability to stay alive. Its one of those things I guess where I feel...invincible? I mean, rationally once again- I know I'm not...I know my body is just as susceptible as anyone's can be. But, do I worry about my own physical health the way I worry about others even if we are having the same ailments? NOPE. why? fuck if i know. but disclaimer- I am not having extreme physical issues due to my ED- I'm really okay. is that my rational voice talking- kinda. half and half. but i do need to put the disclaimer that I am physically okay. My weight is "healthy" and my purging has gone down a lot. so, eh...oh yeah and the waitress at CPK said it was obvious I didn't have an ED bc I ate pizza so on top of my weight being fine , I ate pizza. I AM SO TOTALLY GOOD TO GO. 

god i'm a ball of sarcasm tonight. 

xoxo -Lisa

I miss me- I just want to have fun.

I just want to go back to being a student. It's all I really know how to do--- is be a college student that is super busy. A student with a job- a student running around like a chicken with it's head cut off- busy. I'm used to being busy.

Yes, ignore the ridiculousness of this picture. NYE 2009. holy shit- forever ago
but, hey at least I did what I wanted to
and HAD FUN. 

... I am not busy now...I don't enjoy the time I have off because I have too much free time. Even though that's supposed to be good- having free time...

in fact that is the point. I'm supposed to be using this time to focus on me..my recovery. blah. I'm getting quite sick of focusing on me and growing up responsibly and doing the "right" thing.


Mostly, I'm getting quite sick of attaching true emotions to everything. I just want to do what I impulsively want to and deal w/the consequences the way I used to --- detachment. Hey, it worked for me for years. Its like riding a bike- I can still do it.  

I don't do emotions well- they just kind of drive me a bit insane.

I just want to have fun- be productive- and have the personality that I used to have.

Growing up sucks and I don't want to anymore. I'll eat dammit- if eating will let me be who I was again. I'll fucking eat- not that I don't. I just want to go back to who I was. I liked that person better-- life was easier back then w/out all the emotions I'm supposed to have and I had more fun dammit.

xoxo -Lisa

i want to move forward like i always have

i feel stuck. I want to get my Psy.D but the pre reqs I need to talk i can't take until Fall of 2011. That's 8 months away. I need to keep this part time job so I can work this job while in school. i am hoping to start my doctoral program in Fall of 2012.

Well... there is NOTHING I need to do to put that plan in action at the moment. i need to keep this job so I can't go job hunting. I think my issue right now is that things aren't changing for me. i'm not dealing with any giant life changes and i have nothing to really work towards. i feel like I am just sitting here waiting for august to roll around.

Now...about my meds- i'm on seroquel, lamictal, prozac and klonopin. okay. I lived 21 years of my life without that shit. I am seriously considering on stopping them. I want to stop therapy- if I had never gotten involved with therapy- i feel like i'd be in a better place. I wouldn't be such a wreck. I had always managed to snap in and out of my ED behaviors and honestly- my coping mechanisms helped keep me safe. I never felt extreme emotions like I do now. i had ways to stop that. What is the point in feeling debilitating emotions.

all I want is the life i had back. the life I had back in college- being in classes- busy all the time- not dealing w/all these stupid introspection things of the past. i was so much more functional then, less overwhelmed even though i was doing more...

I just felt like I was going somewhere with life- doing something that would lead to SOMETHING.

what the hell am i doing now? working a part time job that I will admit- is really relaxing and... doing individual therapy twice a week. so what do i do on the days i don't work and don't have therapy or even on the days i do have therapy but since it's only for an hour...what do i do? you tell me- because i sure as hell don't know.

I feel like i want to just be put in a medically induced coma until this fall when i can go back to school and start working towards something again. All I really know how to be is a student...

xoxo -Lisa

Just keep swimming- Dora "finding nemo"

Floating video blog link

don't have much to say...

xoxo -Lisa