Defeated...

I was talking to a staff member when I basically flat out refused dinner. Don't worry guys, I supplemented...mostly. But, she just said to me- you sound so defeated...

...yup- that's basically the right word. Story of my life for... my whole life.

My family is refusing to pay for me to see a dietician so

•  I haven't been able to get support around food shit 
•  I haven't been weighed in over 2 weeks... and that almost makes my eating disorder really happy.

I just thought this was a cool picture.
 Not totally relavent to my post..

So, I was asked if I needed support around my food plan. Well, considering... my difficulty/fail in following the meal plan I'm on at the moment- no dipshit. But, I can't have it. Once again, story of my life. My response "It happens, we don't always get what we want or need. Just accept it and move on..." She basically was like, it seems like you've been let down a lot. Yeah, well- it happens to the best of us... life happens, shit happens, emotions happen...

sometimes ... I just have to push it down for the time being until there's TIME and ENERGY into dealing with it. Back to the same ole same ole of just stuffing/ignoring my emotions. It's just all been too much lately...I don't know when I'll be able to finally handle...anything. Everything seriously seems to be too much. EVERY LITTLE thing. I can't even look at a banana without panicking. For God's sake- I cried over animal crackers a few days ago...for my snack. 

I was talking to my roommate here and I was basically saying..."you've been watching me crash slowly since I got here..." she nodded... I mean, it's sadly the truth...My team here basically told me 2 weeks into being here that I was discharged from Timberline Knolls too early... ( I was fucking there for 4 months. wtf ) I saw a few of my friends from Timberline today at Insight ( where I'm at now for treatment ) and we were just talking and I get a lot of "you don't look so well, are you okay?" well, obviously not but *shrugs* once again, life happens. You know, we talked about how I went up and down at Timberline as well. I'd do okay, then I'd lapse, then well, then lapse- repeat and repeat. Timberline is the first treatment center I left behavior free for more than one week. I was behavior free for 2.5 weeks before I left. Well lie. I slipped up once but I didn't tell anyone. 

When is it going to better? 

When will I be able to look at food and not feel like IT IS GOING TO HURT ME.

When will I be able to finally enjoy my food again and not eat it like it's medication?

When will the day come when I don't look for my bones and body check? 

When... will this hell finally be over? 

     Am I just not cut out for recovery? Recovery is hard y'all. To just state the fucking obvious. 

When will I just be OKAY? Not great, not wonderful, not splendid...just okay?

• I just want to be okay.
• Is that too much to ask?

xoxo -Lisa

The hardest thing to explain is...

how I want help but how I also want so much to just be left alone...

"The worst days in recovery are better than the best days in relapse" - Kate Le Page

I ...don't know if I agree with this quote. I just don't. I can't think of how one of my recent horrific days in "recovery" have been better than my "best" days in relapse. I don't know. I may not be seeing the true reality of my days while I was in relapse. I can't even fathom if I'm actually in relapse now. I have no clue. All I know is that I am not ... happy or comfortable with where I am.

I hate my body. Nothing about it is comforting to me. It's not even that I think I'm fat. Okay, so the word fat does pop into my mind occassionally... but that's not even the main thing. I hate what my body does for me. I hate where it brings my head. I hate how it makes me assume things about other people. Most of all-  I HATE HOW IT MAKES ME SECOND GUESS EVERYONE'S INTENTIONS .. it makes me feel like i can't trust anyone. and most of the time my fear is validated and my body is the one that betrayed me. ( yet again. woo hoo )

it leaves me lonely. it KEEPS me guarded away from everyone...but maybe that's what I want right now...well it is what I want - but ...most likely not what I need.

I've been body checking a lot lately. I have no scale to help me see what I look like ( yes, I know that's what a mirror is for, but without a number- I'm at a loss - so I just assume fat... ) so therefore I start body checking, feeling for the bones again.

The last few weeks have been extremely rough for me and I feel as if I'm starting to come to a very abrupt stop in progress recovery wise. Following my meal plan has been hell and... very unsuccessful. Buildling interpersonal relationships has been hell and... slightly less successfull that my treatment team would hope but better than it could be.

I just don't know where to look anymore. I don't know how much hope in recovery I have left in me. I want to run away from the transitional living place I'm at, I want to ditch programming, I want to ditch meals...all in all- I don't know what i want to do anymore. ...although running away does sound like the best option...

so where do I go from here?

xoxo -Lisa

xoxo -Lisa

Can I rewind time?

I wish so much that I could find a time machine and rewind time. I was facebook stalking myself and obviously pretty much all my pictures from the last 2 ish years have been from me in treatment or me and friends from treatment. I miss those good times too- where I had so much fun, but yet I wasn't focusing on getting better- treatment was almost like a miserable camp experience except for the girls there. I can say quite honesty, Remuda Life was a joke- but mostly due to me. I spent almost every evening at the mall/target with my housemates and apt mates- who BTW- I LOVE :) up to this day.

Done by the beautiful & talented Madeline Carr.

However, as I started to go farther back into my pictures, I started to realize so much that I had lost. I had some great, true friendships both back in Indiana and from Atlanta. My best friend ( sister ) is barely talking to me anymore and we were connected by the hip in 2008-2011. It was a great friendship-I wouldn't trade it for the world. But, guess what? My disorder helped me to lose it. Not only that, I had some great times on say NYE 2009- I had A LOT of fun, but guess what? That was pretty much the LAST time I went out. I started to crash and isolate pretty much that year. My senior year was a wreck, I did nothing but  ED behaviors for the majority of it. I got so entrenched and addicted to therapy that everything else was put on the backburner.

I had an amazing experience doing crew in college as well, but yup my ED helped me move away from that as well.

Now, back to friendships- I basically have only a few friends left. They're great meaningful relationships and I AM SO THANKFUL for them. I just wish I had some of my other ones back. I know I've burned a ton of bridges so it's pretty much not going to happen and I'm so incredibly sad and pissed about it. But, at that time- I almost didn't care- all I cared about was losing weight, doing behaviors to numb me out from what had happened throughout the years. Things pretty much got worse after Rosewood in the spring of 2011... more memories started to arise and the more those came- the more I needed to numb out..fucking shit.

I've lost so much due to all this shit I've been doing for the past 2 years. I feel so incredibly shameful about it. I feel like I've done this to myself :( I've not only lost the healthy relationships I had with my "normal" friends but I've even lost many relationships with friends from treatment because I continued to get sick while they either got sick too or started getting well...I was basically drowning in my own sorrow and misery.

so, thank you for those that are still supporting me and also thank you for those that had supported me ( i understand why you had to leave ) at one time or another

I'm so sick of all of this- starting over ALL the time. I want to just rewind 3 years and redo everything. i'm so pissed. So, shouldn't that be enough motivation? You'd think but my ambivalence has me stuck- I've already lost so much that I can't get back... so almost- what's the point? Ya know? However, at the same time- I've STILL got a good support system and I refuse to screw it up this time. So, I've also got to get my shit together.

ONE DAY AT A TIME. o fuck that. ONE MINUTE AT A TIME.

xoxo -Lisa

Who am I?

A lot of people have an identity crisis. For a while, I called it my quarter-life crisis...until it got out of control and I ended up at TK. I was being incredibly reckless with my life. Doing things that I, as Lisa, morally never would have done. I just was a complete wreck.

I was in graduate school to get my M.S in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. I went to classes for one week and then...crashed hardcore and ended up in the ICU for 4 days and then at the hospital for a total of about 2 weeks. Then, I landed at TK...for 15 weeks. My time there really helped me

• get my creativity back- the art studio is AMAZING
• learn how to build healthy relationships
• learn who to trust and who not to
• set boundaries with both my peers and parents
• experience what a good therapist with boundaries is like
• learn HOW to utilize therapy 
• realize that honesty is the only way to recover
• realize that IT IS OKAY to be healthy

AND MOST OF ALL

learn who I am.

I am strong, brutally honest almost to a fault however I am not going to apologize for that because it is who I am and I appreciate that about myself. I have a good eye for reading other people. I have many faults as well, I distance myself emotionally from people when I am struggling. I do not cry at the appropriate times. I have MASSIVE boundary setting issues Yet, I am still a strong person and I ( most of the time ) appreciate life much more than I everhav before.

I met some amazing girls at TK and it hurts me to see just how much each and every one of them struggle. It breaks my heart to see a new resident walk through the doors of TK either defensive or scared shitless. It's always a heart breaking story of what landed her at the front doors of TK. I hope for each and every girl/man struggling with ANYTHING- not just ED, mood, addiction, suicide, depression, bipolar, etc... that he/she finds what I have found.

Don't get me wrong- some mornings I still wake up wishing I had never woken up but throughout the day--it gets better. IT IS POSSIBLE to recover from depression. IT IS POSSIBLE to HAVE FUN and be HAPPY. ( I had no idea what true fun or happiness was )

Yes, the hopelessness, suicidal, self harm thoughts have been with me for years so they will probably, if not always be in my back pocket. "It is okay to have it in your back pocket" <-- my amazing family therapist. However, now- I can fight those thoughts and make it through the day.

I'm taking it ONE DAY at a time. I have a goal in life for once and I am motivated as hell to get there.


xoxo -Lisa

I actually learned something...at TK.

So... today was one hell of a long freaking day. I started groups today at 9 AM. AND I started with art therapy...which I will say... I LOVED at TK. LOVED LOVED LOVED. Well...guess what? I am not a fan of the art therapy here... it's too structured. As soon as I checked out with that feeling, the art therapist asked if I came from TK. lol. I guess that a lot of former TK residents feel the same way.

I just also wanted to say...I miss my fellow BWOWs... ( beautiful women of willow ), even if the lodge was a bit ...okay A LOT  crazy when I left...there are a few current residents and a lot of past residents that I would defintely say are my TK sisters...that I miss a ton.  My "best bitches" :D

Also, I am meeting with my care coordinator tomorrow and I'm going to present my case for moving down to IOP either Friday ( if possible ) or next week. I already talked to my therapist who talked to my care coordinator to make her aware of how I was feeling. I do not feel like this level of care with some of the women that are in that same level of care...is helping me. I feel like it's actually making things worse. 

I knew I had learned a lot of things at TK- what I realized today was JUST HOW MUCH I learned at TK. I learned a hell of a lot and I honestly can say that my treatment team played a giant part in it. I do not feel like I'm getting jackshit out of any of the groups. I had empowerment today...and it was boring as fuck. I'd rather be in IOP- see my therapist 2x a week and get a fucking job and figure out how to take some classes until I can apply for graduate school next fall or something. In PHP, I don't get out until 5:30- most offices are closed by then. I'd rather give IOP a shot an if it doesn't work out- I can always go back up to PHP.

I just really need to fucking integrate myself back into society. I'm ready to move on- to leave the world of treatment behind and focus on how I can help others. 

xoxo -Lisa

Timberline Knolls- home sweet home

So, I left for Atlanta... as posted earlier. I had some "issues" that landed me at Timberline Knolls ( TK ) in LeMont, Illinois.

I was admitted on June 13th. I discharged yesterday on October 1st. I am now doing treatment at Insight Treatment Center and living at Millimium Place on Michigan Ave in Chicago. I'm doing PHP and I HATE IT. I am so sick of this intense level of treatment. I'm so sick of group after group... I feel as if I should just do 1:1 treatment a few times a week to work on my trauma and some other...issues.

I had a love/hate relationship with TK. I hated the entire first month...but once I started to utilize the groups and stopped acting out...I actually got A LOT out of it.

I had two amazing therapists....whom I got grossly attached to and now I'm struggling hardcore having left them. I have honestly never had as good of a treatment team as I had there. I will say for sure that TK saved my life.

I had a "great" time at TK. I defintely learned A LOT in my ALMOST FOUR FREAKING MONTHS there...I have never spent so long in treatment before. I have also never left a treatment center with the same INTERNAL motivation that I left TK with yesterday. 

Granted, the transition to PHP here in the city has been REALLY tough. I can't say I've been perfect and completely symptom free however ... I don't want to do this treatment merry go round anymore. I've looked up some community colleges so I can eventually get my MSW.

One thing I realized at TK is that I REALLY TRULY have figured out what I want to be- I want to be a therapist. No question about it.

I'm just so fucking sick of treatment at this level...for some reason I feel like I either want to go back to TK and do residential or...just do outpatient ( kind of black and white...I know ) but logically speaking, I've gotten the most out of the program I could have and it's time for me to move on with life.

ALTHOUGH I do not think I've gotten the most out of my treatment team. I wish they would do outpatient...


xoxo -Lisa

Away for 4 months

I've been gone, away from society for quite a long time. Since May 27th to be exact- so a little over 4 months. I was admitted into Timberline Knolls (TK) on June 13th and, today, October 1st is my first day away from TK in A LONG time. I'm doing a PHP program in Chicago, IL.

I'll update for real later...

xoxo -Lisa

Goodbyes...

I had my last therapy session here in Indiana today. Well, who knows? I might move back or have a session during a break, but for now--- my life has moved on in one way already. My next therapy session with a potential therapist is in exactly one week and like ... negative 19 minutes because it's at 3 PM. haha

I walked in not knowing if that was going to be my last session or not but by the end of it, I felt like I had gotten all I could out of it, so I told her I was going to cancel my last appointment and have this end on the good note it was on. I GOT A HUG! I real hug, not a fake kinda like spacey hug but a REAL one.  :)  those make my day. I love hugs. I'll miss her but not in the way that I "missed" Amy / Nancy. I put the " " in there because miss almost isn't the right word. More like... I don't know. But it wasn't just missing them. I felt like I had a hole in my heart. I will def miss my current therapist with all my heart but the relationship was much more healthy so the goodbye was an actual healthy and correct one. One I'd never had before. I am glad I was able to have a goodbye like that. I needed it. But nothing is forever, who knows when I might see her again.

Also a special mention: Happy Birthday Kristina!!!!!!!

I had a pretty good day today. I bought a pair of pants ( for $5 and theyre super cute )that probably will never fit me again unless I stay at this unhealthy weight which I shouldn't stay at. I need to recover. My body needs me to. I can't keep doing what I'm doing.... I'm just so ambivalent about everything. I don't know...

I guess I'm still kind of getting used to the fact that my therapy here in Indy is done ( for now ). Some things have already moved on to GA...therapy for one. I just need to pack. And like I said, nothing is forever. I'm not leaving anyone behind... just taking a vacation somewhere for school. hah. vacation and school in the same sentence. bullshit.



xoxo -Lisa

Ambivalence...my current and past best friend.

I am so ambivalent about recovery. One minute I want to just be skinny( and the voice screams really loudly ) and the next I want to be healthy and not think about my body and just enjoy life. Obviously one sounds much better than the other. I just wish ED would leave me alone because it just causes me so much anxiety and confusion.

I've called the place I'm going to transfer jobs to and it looks like it's going to go through. My student loans have come through and I've signed up for classes. Things are falling into place.

Except me. I am not falling place at all. One day I want this, the next I want something else ( ED wise ). I've come to peace with other things.

AMBIVALENCE is a bitch and an IDIOT. I feel like Ambivalence should have a name like ED. It's just as powerful in my opinion.

Right now, my weight is holding steady and I'm trying to hold steady but not for recovery reasons. Don't ask why. I just am scared of what will happen when I have the choice again.

I'm anxious about moving but more excited. LESS THAT 2 WEEKS. I need to get out of here. badly. away from the suffocation. I need more freedom. I need to learn to grow up and handle my "boo boos" on my own.

I realize that I'm spoiled. I mean, I got in a car wreck and 2 days later my dad gave me his car. A really NICE car. That, I am so thankful for and there are times that I don't want to leave the stability of my parents, but I know I need to grow up.

xoxo -Lisa

Cars, Scales, Moving and everything in between

So, since the last time I posted, I could say a lot as happened but yet a lot hasn't. To start things off with- while driving to EDA- i got in a pretty big car accident. Thank god no one in either car was hurt. BUT, that left me with no car for a good two days. I've been driving since i've been 16 so of course it was weird having my mom pick me up, drop me off, etc. But i was pretty startled by the car accident.

I initially lost a lot of weight in the middle of the month and was at my lowest weight but then once day I gained like 5 lbs and haven't been able to get rid of it. But, at this point, i don't care anymore. I'm just going to try and let it go. I don't know how well that will work, but good bye ED? for now? i don't know. It's still hard to not just not eat when it's a habit. I used too many double negatives dammit. It's easy to just not eat when it's a habit ( there we go ) even if I'm not trying to lose.

RECOVERING OUTPATIENT IS HARD. really really hard. especially in the situation I'm in. But on the bright side my dad ended up giving me his car- a nissan rogue, a step up from my old car fo sho.

My borderline is acting up a lot right now because I have 3 sessions left with my therapist and only 2 EDA meets left here. I've grown attached of course and I've seen my current therapist the longest out of all of the 3 other therapists I connected with and saw. I'm pretty sure she knows me the best in some aspects and in others Nancy/Amy might know me better. I don't know. I just know leaving is going to be REALLY hard. REALLY REALLY hard and I'm scared Shitless. I better get a hug. lol


xoxo -Lisa

I'm back. My parents found my youtube channel

Hey guys,
  Sorry I've been gone so long. I've had a lot of things going on that I just can't reveal over the internet.

My eating disorder has been screaming right now. I'm at my lowest weight and it's so triggering. It's scary but it also makes me happy.

I'm moving to Atlanta in May. May3rd! I am so freaking excited. Yes, I am not completely recovered and I'm ambivalent about recovery ( aren't we all to a degree ...) I have been going in and out and my weight is just fluctuating a little bit.

I'm going to grad school in Atlanta for a Masters in Science in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. I'm totally excited.

I'm also totally in love with my job for once- I teach ACT/SAT prep and it's great to work with the kids. One of them called me old... ( i'm 23...24 on April 23rd ) lol

I am just so impatient and can't wait to move!!!! The date is coming sooon!!! Hopefully my ED will be better by then...or at least kind of better. I'm going back to my old psych and I found a new therapist. Now I just need to find a family doctor. I'll update soon again!

xoxo -Lisa

The Bubble of Treatment

When you're in treatment ---- you're in a bubble. This bubble is a safe and comfy bubble. When you leave treatment- you burst out of the bubble. Outside of this bubble is the scary real world. The world where there are no BHTS ( Behavior Health Therapists ) , no eyesight to keep you safe when you feel unsafe, no constant support and no... bubble ( basically )

I HATE THIS REAL WORLD. I need to stay in it this time- for real- I need to learn how to be an adult and not run away each time things get rough. Remuda was well needed but in a way I ran away...from the world and my job and such.

I'm in a place where I need to create my own bubble as i've been told. Safe friends, support, safety plans and things such as that. I'm trying- we'll see how that goes. I slipped a bit last night with behaviors but it's a new day. :)

I hope everyone is doing well. Sorry I haven't gotten a chance to catch up on your blogs. I will soon! I promise!

Stay strong guys!




xoxo -Lisa

Remuda Ranch ( Life Program )

Hey guys! I'm back! ( again ). I've decided to continue to update- I was kind of worried about some random people ( well certain people I know, so totally not random haha ) creepin but yano what? I DON'T CARE. This is my life and my story.

So basically, On Oct. 20- I left for RLP ( remuda life program )- Remuda Ranch's residential program. I was in residential for a while and then moved to PHP for a short while. I lived in the apts they had rented for us- the apts were freaking awesome and so were the houses.

The residential facility was located in a private cul de sac in Chandler, AZ. When I first got there - the community was amazing- very positive and nuturing. By the time I left- the entire community had left- I was one of the people that had been there the longest and the community had flipped upside down- into negativity and just...it was so different. At first I didn't want to come home bc I was comfortable there and felt safe but by my discharge date- Nov 26, I was ready to go. 37 days

I had an awesome therapist there, My suicidal thoughts have gone down A LOT. The psych there was amazing. In all- I loved the staff.

The program has molded me into a new person and I hope it stays that way bc right now I have no desire to eat dinner....even though i only hate 3 hours ago but I WILL EAT DINNER. I will stay on the path to recovery! :)

STAY STRONG GIRLS- I'll update later to actually update y'all on what my plans for the next few months will be. :)

xoxo -Lisa

Remuda video

Gone for a while...I'm back

Hey guys,
   Sorry I've been gone for a while. I've just had a lot on my mind. It's just some stuff I didn't want to really write out in the open. I'm still contemplating writing about it. But food wise- I'm doing A LOT better.
   I had 2 slices of a small pizza yesterday AND two long islands ( drink ). CALORIES but yano what? I didn't care. I was enjoying my time. My ED has been doing lots better. But with EMOTIONS- WTF.
   All I want to do is RUN. RUN EVERYTHING AWAY. I used to do that. Anytime things get kinda rocky with my personally that doesn't involve my ED- I used to bust out like 8 miles.

  My tailbone is fractured- I CAN'T RUN- I'm going insane. I NEED TO RUN.

the end ( for now )

thanks for all your awesome support btw :) I really appreciate it


xoxo -Lisa

CHICAGO AND DAY 2!!!!

Today is going to be Day 2!!!! I'm so excited. I'm with my friend Kelsey- we made a video blog update. Link is here

we're going to go to Navy Pier , hang out and all that happy stuff.  :)

Today's going to be a good day!
xoxo -Lisa

I got a new job title!!!

I love my new job and my boss pulled me aside yesterday and told me they were giving me a new job titel! Sales and Marketing Administrator!!!! They're also going to bump me up to full time soon. Today was also pay day...

ED wise- no as succesful. Spent the last three days panicking and purging...but today I am going to go back on schedule. My therapist said if I stay on schedule for a month- she'll take a picture with me!! picture of my therapists help me alot- especially in crisis moments. So far, I've only gone a week on schedule but my goal this time is 1 1/2 weeks. I CAN DO IT!

xoxo -Lisa

4th of July Challenges

Thank y'all for the amazing support I got in my last post! :)

I wanted to quickly write a post about the 4th of July and the struggles dealing with this damn holiday. Cookouts...fireworks... swim suits...okay, mostly cookouts and swimsuits are the issues.

I have another cookout to go to today and I'm flipping out. It's a purge day ( on my purge schedule ) but yet, I don't want to purge... at all. I really don't but I'm terrified that I'm going to. I just hate being around so much food. I'm a born bulimic and trained anorexic. It's like a reflex to reach my arm into a bag of chips...

I CAN DO THIS. So can you! stay strong!!

xoxo -Lisa

Eating disorder, Support, Recovery

Eating disorder, Support, Recovery video link

xoxo -Lisa

Life with an ED- frankly

so... for some people... that just don't get it. I'm going to be fucking frank with what life with an eating disorder is like.

It's not just "I want to be skinny"- It's not recovery going up the entire way. There is NO timeline and it's a marathon. You've got to train for the actual race before you can race. The race won't always go smoothly.

I wake up every morning telling myself this is going to be a good day- then it's inevitable- I look in the mirror and.... I go to sleep everynight wishing that I don't wake up the next morning. That's how my day progresses...

I stare at food all the time wishing I could eat it w/out feeling guilty. Sometimes I eat nothing- Sometimes I stuff everything around me in my face and then go and stick my fingers down my throat in public restrooms so my parents don't know. I STRUGGLE and I TRY. But I'm not perfect.

Sometimes I eat, sometimes I keep it down.

Other times I don't... not because I can't but because my willpower ended...because I gave in, because I AM NOT PERFECT.

NO ONE has any right to judge me because I am struggling and THIS IS MY RECOVERY- no one else's - IT IS MINE and if you can't accept that this is me trying and this isn't me giving up.. IF U CAN'T ACCEPT THAT I AM TRYING... then I'm sorry.

BUT I AM. YOU CAN CHOOSE TO SUPPORT ME OR LEAVE ME. Your call. Not mine.

xoxo -Lisa