Who am I?

A lot of people have an identity crisis. For a while, I called it my quarter-life crisis...until it got out of control and I ended up at TK. I was being incredibly reckless with my life. Doing things that I, as Lisa, morally never would have done. I just was a complete wreck.

I was in graduate school to get my M.S in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. I went to classes for one week and then...crashed hardcore and ended up in the ICU for 4 days and then at the hospital for a total of about 2 weeks. Then, I landed at TK...for 15 weeks. My time there really helped me

• get my creativity back- the art studio is AMAZING
• learn how to build healthy relationships
• learn who to trust and who not to
• set boundaries with both my peers and parents
• experience what a good therapist with boundaries is like
• learn HOW to utilize therapy 
• realize that honesty is the only way to recover
• realize that IT IS OKAY to be healthy

AND MOST OF ALL

learn who I am.

I am strong, brutally honest almost to a fault however I am not going to apologize for that because it is who I am and I appreciate that about myself. I have a good eye for reading other people. I have many faults as well, I distance myself emotionally from people when I am struggling. I do not cry at the appropriate times. I have MASSIVE boundary setting issues Yet, I am still a strong person and I ( most of the time ) appreciate life much more than I everhav before.

I met some amazing girls at TK and it hurts me to see just how much each and every one of them struggle. It breaks my heart to see a new resident walk through the doors of TK either defensive or scared shitless. It's always a heart breaking story of what landed her at the front doors of TK. I hope for each and every girl/man struggling with ANYTHING- not just ED, mood, addiction, suicide, depression, bipolar, etc... that he/she finds what I have found.

Don't get me wrong- some mornings I still wake up wishing I had never woken up but throughout the day--it gets better. IT IS POSSIBLE to recover from depression. IT IS POSSIBLE to HAVE FUN and be HAPPY. ( I had no idea what true fun or happiness was )

Yes, the hopelessness, suicidal, self harm thoughts have been with me for years so they will probably, if not always be in my back pocket. "It is okay to have it in your back pocket" <-- my amazing family therapist. However, now- I can fight those thoughts and make it through the day.

I'm taking it ONE DAY at a time. I have a goal in life for once and I am motivated as hell to get there.


xoxo -Lisa

I actually learned something...at TK.

So... today was one hell of a long freaking day. I started groups today at 9 AM. AND I started with art therapy...which I will say... I LOVED at TK. LOVED LOVED LOVED. Well...guess what? I am not a fan of the art therapy here... it's too structured. As soon as I checked out with that feeling, the art therapist asked if I came from TK. lol. I guess that a lot of former TK residents feel the same way.

I just also wanted to say...I miss my fellow BWOWs... ( beautiful women of willow ), even if the lodge was a bit ...okay A LOT  crazy when I left...there are a few current residents and a lot of past residents that I would defintely say are my TK sisters...that I miss a ton.  My "best bitches" :D

Also, I am meeting with my care coordinator tomorrow and I'm going to present my case for moving down to IOP either Friday ( if possible ) or next week. I already talked to my therapist who talked to my care coordinator to make her aware of how I was feeling. I do not feel like this level of care with some of the women that are in that same level of care...is helping me. I feel like it's actually making things worse. 

I knew I had learned a lot of things at TK- what I realized today was JUST HOW MUCH I learned at TK. I learned a hell of a lot and I honestly can say that my treatment team played a giant part in it. I do not feel like I'm getting jackshit out of any of the groups. I had empowerment today...and it was boring as fuck. I'd rather be in IOP- see my therapist 2x a week and get a fucking job and figure out how to take some classes until I can apply for graduate school next fall or something. In PHP, I don't get out until 5:30- most offices are closed by then. I'd rather give IOP a shot an if it doesn't work out- I can always go back up to PHP.

I just really need to fucking integrate myself back into society. I'm ready to move on- to leave the world of treatment behind and focus on how I can help others. 

xoxo -Lisa

Timberline Knolls- home sweet home

So, I left for Atlanta... as posted earlier. I had some "issues" that landed me at Timberline Knolls ( TK ) in LeMont, Illinois.

I was admitted on June 13th. I discharged yesterday on October 1st. I am now doing treatment at Insight Treatment Center and living at Millimium Place on Michigan Ave in Chicago. I'm doing PHP and I HATE IT. I am so sick of this intense level of treatment. I'm so sick of group after group... I feel as if I should just do 1:1 treatment a few times a week to work on my trauma and some other...issues.

I had a love/hate relationship with TK. I hated the entire first month...but once I started to utilize the groups and stopped acting out...I actually got A LOT out of it.

I had two amazing therapists....whom I got grossly attached to and now I'm struggling hardcore having left them. I have honestly never had as good of a treatment team as I had there. I will say for sure that TK saved my life.

I had a "great" time at TK. I defintely learned A LOT in my ALMOST FOUR FREAKING MONTHS there...I have never spent so long in treatment before. I have also never left a treatment center with the same INTERNAL motivation that I left TK with yesterday. 

Granted, the transition to PHP here in the city has been REALLY tough. I can't say I've been perfect and completely symptom free however ... I don't want to do this treatment merry go round anymore. I've looked up some community colleges so I can eventually get my MSW.

One thing I realized at TK is that I REALLY TRULY have figured out what I want to be- I want to be a therapist. No question about it.

I'm just so fucking sick of treatment at this level...for some reason I feel like I either want to go back to TK and do residential or...just do outpatient ( kind of black and white...I know ) but logically speaking, I've gotten the most out of the program I could have and it's time for me to move on with life.

ALTHOUGH I do not think I've gotten the most out of my treatment team. I wish they would do outpatient...


xoxo -Lisa

Away for 4 months

I've been gone, away from society for quite a long time. Since May 27th to be exact- so a little over 4 months. I was admitted into Timberline Knolls (TK) on June 13th and, today, October 1st is my first day away from TK in A LONG time. I'm doing a PHP program in Chicago, IL.

I'll update for real later...

xoxo -Lisa

Goodbyes...

I had my last therapy session here in Indiana today. Well, who knows? I might move back or have a session during a break, but for now--- my life has moved on in one way already. My next therapy session with a potential therapist is in exactly one week and like ... negative 19 minutes because it's at 3 PM. haha

I walked in not knowing if that was going to be my last session or not but by the end of it, I felt like I had gotten all I could out of it, so I told her I was going to cancel my last appointment and have this end on the good note it was on. I GOT A HUG! I real hug, not a fake kinda like spacey hug but a REAL one.  :)  those make my day. I love hugs. I'll miss her but not in the way that I "missed" Amy / Nancy. I put the " " in there because miss almost isn't the right word. More like... I don't know. But it wasn't just missing them. I felt like I had a hole in my heart. I will def miss my current therapist with all my heart but the relationship was much more healthy so the goodbye was an actual healthy and correct one. One I'd never had before. I am glad I was able to have a goodbye like that. I needed it. But nothing is forever, who knows when I might see her again.

Also a special mention: Happy Birthday Kristina!!!!!!!

I had a pretty good day today. I bought a pair of pants ( for $5 and theyre super cute )that probably will never fit me again unless I stay at this unhealthy weight which I shouldn't stay at. I need to recover. My body needs me to. I can't keep doing what I'm doing.... I'm just so ambivalent about everything. I don't know...

I guess I'm still kind of getting used to the fact that my therapy here in Indy is done ( for now ). Some things have already moved on to GA...therapy for one. I just need to pack. And like I said, nothing is forever. I'm not leaving anyone behind... just taking a vacation somewhere for school. hah. vacation and school in the same sentence. bullshit.



xoxo -Lisa

Ambivalence...my current and past best friend.

I am so ambivalent about recovery. One minute I want to just be skinny( and the voice screams really loudly ) and the next I want to be healthy and not think about my body and just enjoy life. Obviously one sounds much better than the other. I just wish ED would leave me alone because it just causes me so much anxiety and confusion.

I've called the place I'm going to transfer jobs to and it looks like it's going to go through. My student loans have come through and I've signed up for classes. Things are falling into place.

Except me. I am not falling place at all. One day I want this, the next I want something else ( ED wise ). I've come to peace with other things.

AMBIVALENCE is a bitch and an IDIOT. I feel like Ambivalence should have a name like ED. It's just as powerful in my opinion.

Right now, my weight is holding steady and I'm trying to hold steady but not for recovery reasons. Don't ask why. I just am scared of what will happen when I have the choice again.

I'm anxious about moving but more excited. LESS THAT 2 WEEKS. I need to get out of here. badly. away from the suffocation. I need more freedom. I need to learn to grow up and handle my "boo boos" on my own.

I realize that I'm spoiled. I mean, I got in a car wreck and 2 days later my dad gave me his car. A really NICE car. That, I am so thankful for and there are times that I don't want to leave the stability of my parents, but I know I need to grow up.

xoxo -Lisa

Cars, Scales, Moving and everything in between

So, since the last time I posted, I could say a lot as happened but yet a lot hasn't. To start things off with- while driving to EDA- i got in a pretty big car accident. Thank god no one in either car was hurt. BUT, that left me with no car for a good two days. I've been driving since i've been 16 so of course it was weird having my mom pick me up, drop me off, etc. But i was pretty startled by the car accident.

I initially lost a lot of weight in the middle of the month and was at my lowest weight but then once day I gained like 5 lbs and haven't been able to get rid of it. But, at this point, i don't care anymore. I'm just going to try and let it go. I don't know how well that will work, but good bye ED? for now? i don't know. It's still hard to not just not eat when it's a habit. I used too many double negatives dammit. It's easy to just not eat when it's a habit ( there we go ) even if I'm not trying to lose.

RECOVERING OUTPATIENT IS HARD. really really hard. especially in the situation I'm in. But on the bright side my dad ended up giving me his car- a nissan rogue, a step up from my old car fo sho.

My borderline is acting up a lot right now because I have 3 sessions left with my therapist and only 2 EDA meets left here. I've grown attached of course and I've seen my current therapist the longest out of all of the 3 other therapists I connected with and saw. I'm pretty sure she knows me the best in some aspects and in others Nancy/Amy might know me better. I don't know. I just know leaving is going to be REALLY hard. REALLY REALLY hard and I'm scared Shitless. I better get a hug. lol


xoxo -Lisa

I'm back. My parents found my youtube channel

Hey guys,
  Sorry I've been gone so long. I've had a lot of things going on that I just can't reveal over the internet.

My eating disorder has been screaming right now. I'm at my lowest weight and it's so triggering. It's scary but it also makes me happy.

I'm moving to Atlanta in May. May3rd! I am so freaking excited. Yes, I am not completely recovered and I'm ambivalent about recovery ( aren't we all to a degree ...) I have been going in and out and my weight is just fluctuating a little bit.

I'm going to grad school in Atlanta for a Masters in Science in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. I'm totally excited.

I'm also totally in love with my job for once- I teach ACT/SAT prep and it's great to work with the kids. One of them called me old... ( i'm 23...24 on April 23rd ) lol

I am just so impatient and can't wait to move!!!! The date is coming sooon!!! Hopefully my ED will be better by then...or at least kind of better. I'm going back to my old psych and I found a new therapist. Now I just need to find a family doctor. I'll update soon again!

xoxo -Lisa

The Bubble of Treatment

When you're in treatment ---- you're in a bubble. This bubble is a safe and comfy bubble. When you leave treatment- you burst out of the bubble. Outside of this bubble is the scary real world. The world where there are no BHTS ( Behavior Health Therapists ) , no eyesight to keep you safe when you feel unsafe, no constant support and no... bubble ( basically )

I HATE THIS REAL WORLD. I need to stay in it this time- for real- I need to learn how to be an adult and not run away each time things get rough. Remuda was well needed but in a way I ran away...from the world and my job and such.

I'm in a place where I need to create my own bubble as i've been told. Safe friends, support, safety plans and things such as that. I'm trying- we'll see how that goes. I slipped a bit last night with behaviors but it's a new day. :)

I hope everyone is doing well. Sorry I haven't gotten a chance to catch up on your blogs. I will soon! I promise!

Stay strong guys!




xoxo -Lisa

Remuda Ranch ( Life Program )

Hey guys! I'm back! ( again ). I've decided to continue to update- I was kind of worried about some random people ( well certain people I know, so totally not random haha ) creepin but yano what? I DON'T CARE. This is my life and my story.

So basically, On Oct. 20- I left for RLP ( remuda life program )- Remuda Ranch's residential program. I was in residential for a while and then moved to PHP for a short while. I lived in the apts they had rented for us- the apts were freaking awesome and so were the houses.

The residential facility was located in a private cul de sac in Chandler, AZ. When I first got there - the community was amazing- very positive and nuturing. By the time I left- the entire community had left- I was one of the people that had been there the longest and the community had flipped upside down- into negativity and just...it was so different. At first I didn't want to come home bc I was comfortable there and felt safe but by my discharge date- Nov 26, I was ready to go. 37 days

I had an awesome therapist there, My suicidal thoughts have gone down A LOT. The psych there was amazing. In all- I loved the staff.

The program has molded me into a new person and I hope it stays that way bc right now I have no desire to eat dinner....even though i only hate 3 hours ago but I WILL EAT DINNER. I will stay on the path to recovery! :)

STAY STRONG GIRLS- I'll update later to actually update y'all on what my plans for the next few months will be. :)

xoxo -Lisa

Remuda video

Gone for a while...I'm back

Hey guys,
   Sorry I've been gone for a while. I've just had a lot on my mind. It's just some stuff I didn't want to really write out in the open. I'm still contemplating writing about it. But food wise- I'm doing A LOT better.
   I had 2 slices of a small pizza yesterday AND two long islands ( drink ). CALORIES but yano what? I didn't care. I was enjoying my time. My ED has been doing lots better. But with EMOTIONS- WTF.
   All I want to do is RUN. RUN EVERYTHING AWAY. I used to do that. Anytime things get kinda rocky with my personally that doesn't involve my ED- I used to bust out like 8 miles.

  My tailbone is fractured- I CAN'T RUN- I'm going insane. I NEED TO RUN.

the end ( for now )

thanks for all your awesome support btw :) I really appreciate it


xoxo -Lisa

CHICAGO AND DAY 2!!!!

Today is going to be Day 2!!!! I'm so excited. I'm with my friend Kelsey- we made a video blog update. Link is here

we're going to go to Navy Pier , hang out and all that happy stuff.  :)

Today's going to be a good day!
xoxo -Lisa

I got a new job title!!!

I love my new job and my boss pulled me aside yesterday and told me they were giving me a new job titel! Sales and Marketing Administrator!!!! They're also going to bump me up to full time soon. Today was also pay day...

ED wise- no as succesful. Spent the last three days panicking and purging...but today I am going to go back on schedule. My therapist said if I stay on schedule for a month- she'll take a picture with me!! picture of my therapists help me alot- especially in crisis moments. So far, I've only gone a week on schedule but my goal this time is 1 1/2 weeks. I CAN DO IT!

xoxo -Lisa

4th of July Challenges

Thank y'all for the amazing support I got in my last post! :)

I wanted to quickly write a post about the 4th of July and the struggles dealing with this damn holiday. Cookouts...fireworks... swim suits...okay, mostly cookouts and swimsuits are the issues.

I have another cookout to go to today and I'm flipping out. It's a purge day ( on my purge schedule ) but yet, I don't want to purge... at all. I really don't but I'm terrified that I'm going to. I just hate being around so much food. I'm a born bulimic and trained anorexic. It's like a reflex to reach my arm into a bag of chips...

I CAN DO THIS. So can you! stay strong!!

xoxo -Lisa

Eating disorder, Support, Recovery

Eating disorder, Support, Recovery video link

xoxo -Lisa

Life with an ED- frankly

so... for some people... that just don't get it. I'm going to be fucking frank with what life with an eating disorder is like.

It's not just "I want to be skinny"- It's not recovery going up the entire way. There is NO timeline and it's a marathon. You've got to train for the actual race before you can race. The race won't always go smoothly.

I wake up every morning telling myself this is going to be a good day- then it's inevitable- I look in the mirror and.... I go to sleep everynight wishing that I don't wake up the next morning. That's how my day progresses...

I stare at food all the time wishing I could eat it w/out feeling guilty. Sometimes I eat nothing- Sometimes I stuff everything around me in my face and then go and stick my fingers down my throat in public restrooms so my parents don't know. I STRUGGLE and I TRY. But I'm not perfect.

Sometimes I eat, sometimes I keep it down.

Other times I don't... not because I can't but because my willpower ended...because I gave in, because I AM NOT PERFECT.

NO ONE has any right to judge me because I am struggling and THIS IS MY RECOVERY- no one else's - IT IS MINE and if you can't accept that this is me trying and this isn't me giving up.. IF U CAN'T ACCEPT THAT I AM TRYING... then I'm sorry.

BUT I AM. YOU CAN CHOOSE TO SUPPORT ME OR LEAVE ME. Your call. Not mine.

xoxo -Lisa

I HAVE to do this...

so day 3 came and went...before day 3 was over---in other words- I screwed up. It's day 0. I already screwed up a bit this morning. Tomorrow can be day 1 and WILL BE day 1. :)

...I don't know how I went from residential to now. I don't know WHERE the four months went. I guess I went to denver... then came home? But how in those 4 months did I let myself slide from eating 6x a day to struggling to keep ANYTHING down and weighing myself daily again? WHERE?! I remember when i first got to Denver- I was eating Einstein's Bagels...would I even touch that now? I wish. Soon though. Soon.

but I HAVE TO DO THIS (video link) -

I have no choice, unless I want to die. ( which most of the times, I don't..)

I don't have the option of residential, inpatient or any of those types of treatments. Not now, not with my job and my hours increasing, me moving up, no...I can't mess all that up because of my ED. Not happening.

THOR CAN GO TO HELL DAMMIT. ( I did just eat a grilled cheese and have NO intent of "barfing my brains out" <---- as my therapist calls purging.  )

I CAN DO THIS. I HAVE to do this. I will die if I don't. literally. If I keep sliding and don't catch myself- one day Thor will kill me....



xoxo -Lisa

Day 3? DAY 3? DAY 3!!!!

PLEASE PLEASE let today be day 3 of no purging! I CAN DO THIS...



new video update link- click here- it's short but shoutout to katie and jules- GOOD LUCK IN RESIDENTIAL! Y'ALL CAN DO IT!


xoxo -Lisa

:-) Had a good day!

I spent today smiling! I had a great sesh this morning with my T! Things went great. I got my work laptop today and got assigned a work email address- I'm finally legit. "I'm a big kid now" haha.

The ED part... I'm still struggling pretty hardcore but TODAY IS DAY TWO OF NO PURGING! I haven't had a day 2 in a long long time. I want to purge my dinner so badly and I feel like a moooo mooo cow but I can do this. I CAN do it. I HAVE to do it. I HAVE to learn to eat without purging. I have to learn to eat a normal amount. I can do this... I can deal with the weight restoration... even though i really don't want to.

xoxo -Lisa

Getting back up after a long fall down...

I have to get my ass in gear. Which means the first thing I need to do is lessen my symptoms...so i can GAIN fucking weight. That's the hardest part of this entire thing right now.

It's not like "Lisa stop b/p" - it's "Lisa gain about x number of lbs"

I CAN'T ( WON'T as my therapist said to replace all can'ts with won'ts ) do this.

WEIGHT GAIN MAKES MY ED FLIP HIS SHIT.

I CANNOT go back into treatment. I have a feeling if I get weighed at this weight- I'm going to be thrown in the php program here. I have an AMAZING job that I can't lose. I need to do this and also- I need to learn how to live and stay in recovery in a normal life setting. I've been in enough treatment centers to know WHAT to do. I have to work hard and do this...

but it's soooo hard.... the idea of weight gain. HOW DID I LET MYSELF SLIDE THIS FAR OFF THE RECOVERY WAGON?
 
Can I do this on my own? It seems impossible to just do it on my own....( by own i mean with an outpatient team...not ALL ALONE )

I NEED TO RECOVER.

HOW THE HELL DID I LET IT GET THIS FAR?!


xoxo -Lisa