....

flipping out...breathe Lisa breathe.

xoxo -Lisa

DON'T SELF HARM!!!! JUST DON'T!!!!!!!!

it's NOT worth it. I finally get why it's wrong. FINALLY. took me fucking long enough to understand

video link 
and speaking of youtube. How in the hell have I gotten close to 90 subscribers ( It's my cats isn't it? Everyone wants to see my cats jump around ) when I orginally made them for friends who aren't in atlanta that wanted to see my "beautiful" face o and bc I had been following other vlogs. 

xoxo -Lisa

All I wanted was a hug...

I sent Nancy an email last night- "I really really just want a hug. Would you do that or is there a reason you wouldn't?" She emailed me back basically saying that the response was complicated and needed to be explained in person rather than through email/voicemail but to not expect a hug today. Well that threw me off emotionally for the majority of the morning. Amy's hugged me.... I just really want a hug from Nancy but.. yeah...I trust her for her reasons not to- it just still sucks. SUCKS ASS.

I went into Amy's office today and handed over everything I had in my apt that I had ever used to cut myself- I'm done- I really want to be done. It's never been this bad before. Amy helped me put gauze on it and wrap it up. I look retarded but that isn't the point.

To be honest: I can't recall what we talked about in my therapy sessions other than "Dr.W, me and Nancy are really worried about you" apparently- because I'm not remembering coherent conversations I've had with them. I'll remember that they called but not remember any of the context. Okay, i my defense this usually only happens when I woken up by the phone call. This has happened to me ever since I was put on seroquel a few months ago. They think it's because I'm "abusing my drugs"

I may be messing around w/my klonopin but not to get high or stoned... just to zonk me out because I want to sleep during the day when I'm not at work. I'm pretty deep into some odd depressive state. I just want out but I don't really know how. I feel the loneliest than I ever have. I could be standing in a room full of all my awesome friends ( no offense to y'all ) and still feel totally alone, but the worst part is gluing a fucking smile on my face and then interacting with others when all I want to do is cry and feel like I'm wanted.

IN OTHER NEWS- WHAT THE FUCK. Justin Bieber has a MOVIE coming out that is a biography of his life. How old is he? Like 10? I want a movie about my life--- okay, actually I don't- everyone would know how crazy I am. BUT REALLY? The first time I heard his first hit...whatever it was called- I didn't know if it was a guy/girl singing it...someone hasn't hit puberty yet!

ALSO- I am ready- I'm ready to move forward this year with my therapy. I'm ready to try to stop acting out. I'm ready to ask what I want and to answer what I need to this year. I want to get the most out of therapy this year that I can. ( hence: me putting myself out there and asking Nancy for a hug...which I still don't totally get why she won't, since other therapists have.." but eh. I'm going to continue to ask questions regardless of whether or not I may get rejected. How else are they supposed to help me if I'm not honest?

I see my dietician in 2 days. I've dropped... uh quite a few lbs since she last saw me. shit. And to be honest- I don't want to deal with my eating disorder right now. I almost honestly don't care about that part- I have no goal weight- I have no active desires to use symptoms- I'm too entrenched to trying to not lock myself in my closet and stare at the walls for days on end.  I want to deal with my emotional state that makes me want to cut, abuse my drugs, sleep all day ( basically my depression hah ) and my lack of personality first. I know dealing with all of those things ALONG with the stress of trying to follow my meal plan perfectly...will drive me up the wall and I'll probably say fuck it and walk away.

Please believe- I REALLY AM TRYING- sometimes it seems like I'm giving in and I may be for the time being but dealing with all of this is just so exhausting..but I am trying. I really am. 


Holy mother of god- this was a depressing post. shit sorry y'all. on a positive note : I GET PAID FRIDAY!!!! so I'll have more than $7.84 in my checking account...lol

I just want my personality back. I want my relationship with Nancy back. I want her to hug me.

xoxo -Lisa

Self Mutilation

Okay, if you're squeamish around blood- exit this browner now. I'm the not syncing this to my fb either. This is a very personal topic for me and has only been getting worse and more private. I am sharing it here because I feel as if the judgement won't be the same as regular public.

Tomorrow-I am going to hand over Amy all my tools that I used to do thses wonderful things to myself. Amy already took away my tape measure and I am offering up these tools. This isn't worth it. It's SO hard to fight and I just can't have the temptation there.

2 weeks ago. 14 days....

1/24/11- after Amy gauzed it and wrapped it in medical tape

SO THIS KIDS IS WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER START CUTTING BC IT ONLY GETS WORSE...TRUST ME. THERE IS NOTHING GLAMOUROUS ABOUT IT. NOTHING. AT ALL.

today,only 14 after the one above
SERIOULY DON'T START

xoxo -Lisa

I ran headfirst into a train. go me.

Uhm. okay, not literally. I'm safe- no broken/dismembered limbs. Still one whole piece of Lisa. But, basically last night was a giant giant TRAIN WRRREEECKKKK. Not sure how it happened. Thanks Jamie, Alex and Ragan for listening to my hysterical screaming ( which probably made no sense ).

So I basically emailed Nancy and Amy and said I hate myself- I'm done with therapy and you're all better off w/me out me. bpd much? hah. too bad Amy emailed me this morning when i said I'd go to group. Group started at 1030- I woke up at 11. SHIT. [ sarcasm ] o well. I'm going to get in trouble for that one. Then Nancy called a few minutes ago- I was on the phone- my phone is retarded and didn't show a call waiting- she hasn't called back. I have a feeling my convos with Nancy and Amy aren't going to be a walk in the park today since I told them last night that I was peacing out and that I hoped they had a better life without me.

So my session with Amy didn't quite go as planned- well I'm not sure what was planned but I ended up in hysterical tears ( big surprise ) . She ended up basically giving me a hug without asking. I think at the end of our sessions I look like an abandoned dog on the side of the road. wait- no excuse me- puppy. I wish Nancy would hug me. hmrph.

BUT on a total side note : No Strings Attached- the movie- I HATED IT. I hated the end. HATE HATE HATE. Maybe it's just me, and my wonderful friend who saw the movie with me pointed out that this is why i'm seeing 2 psychologists and 1 psychiatrist. I HATE THAT THEY end up together. The fucking movie is called NO GODDAMN STRINGS FUCKING ATTACHED- okay without the goddamn and fucking. but..uhm hello. And yes, I know- that term is basically impossible- strings are always attached but I don't want to ruin the movie for anyone but there is ONE SCENE- ONE- where Ashton Kutcher ( SOOO HOTTT ) picks up the phone and lets Natalie Portman have it- movie should have ended there. that's just my take.


ON ANOTHER SIDE NOTE (video link )- obviously i have been having a slight jeggings obsession...and I FOUND O M G a perfect pair of grey jeggings...at TARGET for...$16.99!!!!! okay...I also got them in a size 14 in the children's section bc there weren't any as awesome in the women's section...but... but...That's half the price of the HUE ones and that almost makes me want to return the other ones...but I already wore them...twice so eh, I love them both. Also- there were an AMAZING pair of grey flat boots that I wanted so badly for $7. SEVEN DOLLARS but I couldn't squeeze my giant feet into them ( my giant size 6 1/2 feet... )  but I ended up getting an amazing pair of black leather ones instead that are flat for $8. I LOVE target sales and of course I got some awesome stuff at Platos closet.

MY BANK ACCOUNT CURRENTLY HAS $7.85. I'm fucked. I don't get paid for 9 days. shit.


OH YEAH- then I had to go get my wonderful meds- on uhm hmm, seroquel, lamictal, ambien, prozac and some new shit (Luvox) my psych put me on that he gave me samples for. Yeah that's supposed to help with OCD and obsessive shit. haha. we'll see how that goes.

so, moral of the story kids- don't have hysterical break downs- nothing good comes out of them- don't watch "No strings attached" unless you love stereotypical chick flicks ( WHICH I HAAATTTEEE ) and if you can get jeggings at Target in the girl's section- DO IT.

the end. OH ALSO- side note: when you are in hysterics- don't write emails to your therapists saying random impulsive things. yeah. i always ALWAYS learn that the hard way. Please don't say I told you so Jamie. Love you thanks :)

o also- ED wise- I'm not even going to say anything. yeah. wonderful huh.


xoxo -Lisa

Dear Jamie :) the fine print

DUDE- so the fine print in this thing call the "eating disorder" brochure that it just so happens all the tweenies seems to be getting, that's the fine print that's being looked over- just as all the fine print in all things get overlooked and then it comes back and bites you in the ass.

I made a video(link) -just about the consequences of bulimia that aren't the typical- yeah u loose hair, you loose your perios, you grow this thin layer of skin..WHATEVEr...that's not it. there's more to it. everyone is so much different, everyone's body reacts different

All I can say my GREAT ephiphany Saturday, I believe, just got shot out the window. yeah happens alot. I'm just going to take things as they come. I have realized one really major thing today. I don't hate purging like I used to. SHIT. that is not a good thing at all....

plsu- i've been zonking out on Ambien everyday around 4 and walking up at 9 then passting out again around 1. GOD I LOVE MY LIFE ( well this is when I'm not at work )

i wanna go shopping but my damn paycheck comes in a week. I want another pair of jeggings dammit. lol. Although I have NO DOUBT in mymind I'm going Plato's closet tomorrow after seeing Amy. haha

OH AND MY MEETING WITH NANCY WAS HORRIBLE. i feel like she doesn't care anymore. at all. i know that's my black and white thinking. I just don't fee like she cares like the same as before. I eel like I've pissed her off. I can't have a working relationship with a therapist if there is a barrier when she doesn't trust or respect my requestions when I don't tihnk that they are ridiculous. Okay, so we spent the entire time talking about WHY I really needed her to tell me if she had one. that's another entry but it wasn't JUST curriosity... I just need it for my treatment. I'm ready to quit. I know I'm not but I am just such a mess. great wonderful. Amy would have offered me a hug. Nancy didn't.

xoxo -Lisa

Personalized IOP

That is what Amy called my new treatment plan today. A personalized version of intensive outpatient. I see her once a week, Nancy twice , my nutritionist when I am forced to, my psych on his terms and do a DAMN FUCKING DBT skills group once a week. I like but also don't like the idea of being back into an IOP sort of program. Amy keeps calling it that but it's far from what IOP at ACE/Ridgeview would be...but whatever. I've been in TWO DBT skills groups. I have the Linahan manual memorized from front to back and guess what? I still have not mastered nor LOVE her suggestions. I'm not bashing DBT- it really really works well for some people- I just have yet to see the results...but Nancy and Amy won't give up on me trying.

- yesterday's session with Amy was such a whirlwind of a mess for me- at the end she came to hug me and i practically jumped on her bc I needed the hug so badly...

SOOOOOO....

I'm sitting here at work- twiddling my thumbs basically. there's nothing left for me to do. i've done all there is. two more people are supposed to come in and check in... and... i'm sitting here online waiting for them and I don't get off work for another 4 hours. WOO. thank god for the internet and thank god I'm getting paid to sit here and write this blog. hah. granted- i don't get paid much hourly but hey, it's better than nothing and allows me to help my parents out in paying for my horrendous amount of treatment.

i bought an amazing pair of HUE jeggings yesterday and I am totally going back to the mall Friday ( after my paycheck ) and getting another pair in a different color. The ones I have now are like black jeans- i'm going to go and get ones that are denim colored. they look like jeans- they have the pockets and everything and front whatever it's called but they are SOOOO comfy and not butt ass tight like some of the other jeggings I've tried on ( or I would NOT be wearing them ).I never in a million years thought i'd like jeggings...much less like them so much to spend $34 fucking bucks on them. i normally am such a thrifty shopper i don't buy like ANYTHING over $20 unless it's the world's most awesome steal...speaking of awesome steal- I got a pair of Michael Kors boots ( awesome black leather 2 or maybe 3 inch heel ) for $16. $16!!!!!!! but yeah. jeggings.

- - - - - - - --  -

Also- after that WONDERFUL epiphany I had in my previous post..I realized something ( when i massively fucked up the next day ) --- i realized I can't all of a sudden attempt to be perfect at recovery. I had a whole menu planned out for me by literally every few hours. Well..that went well for a while- I had eaten more throughout the day and healthy stuff at that than i had done in months...yeah well i ended up in a GIANT b/p ...get this- at work. great huh. And then I felt like a massive failure... but I've realized- start small...but I almost don't know how to start small... because ... it's hard as shit both ways. it's hard as fuck to eat w/out feeling horridly guilty and just AWFUL and restricting ain't a walk in the park either. And obviously binging and purging sucks ass. What option am I left with? This question often actually leaves me feeling quite defeated and just fucked...but I know that's not the end answer-- i just need to figure out what the end answer is.

ALSO ALSO: DAMMIT- this seems to follow me everywhere. The server at the place where I had lunch fucking commented on how I was eating. SERIOUSLY?! SOCIAL SKILLS PEOPLE. TOTES INAPPROPRIATE TO COMMENT ON OTHER'S EATING BEHAVIORS when you don't know them.

xoxo -Lisa

Including more of me in my blog

I want to change the topic of this blog. I want to add more of "me" in this blog. Of what else I do on a daily basis other than just my ED and BPD. Yes, my ED and BPD play a HUGE HUGE part of my life. I tried and thought about making an entirely separate blog but then I realized that my life as a whole is neither me just as my eating disorder and my recovery. I have other aspects of my life and i really want to be able to write about all of it as well. I need this to also remind me that I have more to myself as well :) That I am not just my eating disorder or all my other craziness...

so, today called for some INTENSE retail therapy after my session with Amy. I was in such hysterics and probably looked like a abandoned puppy on the side of the road. Amy did say that she and Nancy both practice with the style of not having us becoming reliant on them. WAIT..WHAT? well, uhm- that's failing on their end. I do and just wonder what life would be like if I had just been where I was before- no intense relationships other than friendships. I felt like I was functioning a lot better. It makes me wonder if therapy has made me worse because there are just some things that aren't meant to be introspected...we don't have to understand everything about ourselves... but I do see Nancy on Thursday--- I think i'm going to vomit...and I also have a food plan for the next few days... I'm not going to think about eating on any sort of regular healthy schedule- I'm going to eat when I'm comfortable- yes, I know- step back but yesterday's massive fail made me think that this is an easier transition. I hate binging and I just do NOT want to do it again.

BUT- I will have to admit- just as any broke 20 something year old- my favorite story in the mall is ...DUM DUM DUM...Forever 21 ( duh ). I have always had a simple style of a few staple colors- black-grey-white-beige. YUP. I know- I am super exciting but I've lately been really into the baggier tops- not only do they help me hide my body but it just so happens...ALSO IN STYLE. perfect for me-- since I'm still not okay with tight form fitting clothes. Okay...so this sweatshirt-- I almost bought...it was like I was in a grocery store- i had it in my arms, put it back, went back and got it again x1000 . I thought the sweatshirt with the giant heart was adorable but this simple sweatshirt was $17.80. I donno- I do know if I want it, I can never go back and get it again bc that's how XXI is.

What I did get that I LOVEEEE-

--and I have a feeling a few people I know will say I have plently of shirts that look just like those... but like I said, black, grey, white and beige are my staple colored shirts lol. Simple baggy shirts with necklaces and earrings. I've never liked extremely embellished clothes. I'd rather add on with accessories to something really simple.


and i love cheap jewerly. I've gotten so many necklaces and earrings... those ($3.80) !

AND a pair of HUE Jeggings ( finally )

retail therapy does wonders...

xoxo -Lisa

dear eating disorder- go to hell. thank you

go to hell and stay there. video link. 

xoxo -Lisa

I'm not with stupid anymore. I'm done self destructing.

I'm done doing this. I'm done self destructing. 

I can't continue this mentally or physically. My body is falling apart. I am tired all the time, my head always hurts and I'm always dizzy. This is not in any way worth it because I don't even care how I look, I'm just giving in to the easiest habits, the ones I don't have to really think about and the ones I'm comfortable with.

Well- that has got to fucking change. I can no longer do this. It's too miserable and exhausting ( literally ). It's not worth it- I don't even know why I'm doing it really. 

I'm done giving in- I'm going to start swimming. I'm sick and tired , literally , of just hurting myself, literally too. 

Like the picture says- I'm no longer with stupid. ED is a fucking stupid relationship and I'm done. I'm walking away for once. Go to fucking hell. Seriously and please stay there dammit.

xoxo -Lisa

fuck me. i'm in limbo

I'm not here and I almost don't want to come back. I'm totally in limbo land. I hit a car- in a parking lot. barely fucking moving and instead of panicking or really even reacting- i thought shit and just sat in my car- called a friend and my dad...then felt nothing.

I can't respond video blog link

i feel like everything is all too much but at the same time nothing at all. I think I am getting so overwhelmed that I am literally disconnecting. I don't even want to come back-I feel like I literally can't at this moment. Everytime I do- I seem to black out because later I know that event happened but I can't recall details.

I'm realizing that there ARE NO get out of jail free cards- at least not for me ( it feels like ). Everything at some point comes back and bites me in the ass. HARD. Sometimes more traumatic things trump certain events but eventually I end up having to deal with it...even when I think I had escaped it, I never do.

Nancy called this morning because I left her a panicking voicemail last night. Uhm, I don't remember a single thing I said....but I do remember calling. I've had several instances of blacking out events in the last week by accident. Just I guess it was too much for me- i remember calling her and hanging up such as with other things I remember the before and after- but not the actual act. oops. [ sarcasm ]- black out example- and WHAT I GOT OUT OF THAT WAS puffy eyes- now i look so legit asian- the worst headache of my life- worse than any hangover.... o and I don't think I've woken up at all today. maybe that's why i hit a car... but back to Nancy.

Apparently the only things she understood were "you probably can't understand a thing i'm saying". hah. how ironic...bc I had no idea what I did say. I was able to be open and honest with her. I felt as if the entire time she was gone- I've done nothing by go back to old habits, make bad decisions and really fail miserably at trying to give her her space and de-tach for a while. She asked me something about regret- this phone conversation is something that I only remember bits and peices of... why? because i was crying the entire time- and I remember saying -- every single time I contacted you- i regret. I feel as if every single point on contact was just another failure. I honestly don't feel like I succeeded at a single thing over this break--- i don't know why i keep calling it a break- i graduated dammit.

but I'm scared. I'm scared to see her on the 20th because I feel like ...I feel so emotionally draining to deal with. I feel like I am difficult. OKAY, what the hell- I am difficult- i would NEVER NEVER date me or be my therapist. good lord- i feel sorry for any guy I've been involved with and for Nancy and Amy.


xoxo -Lisa

It's snowing in atlanta.. the irrational train is pulling in the station

and I have a first class ticket on this damn train. LOVE IT...

Everything right now is irrational- video blog link

I HAVE ALWAYS PRIDED MYSELF ON BEING RATIONAL DAMMIT. Now, here are my examples on how my world and I have seemed to jump onto the irrational bus-- no not the short bus- it's even worse than that-it's the irrational one. 

1. Numero Uno- it's snowing in atlanta, ga. WHAT .THE . FUCK . not a like tiny little snowflake here and there- nope-- there is actual snow on the ground. Its white outside...okay I'm used to snow- I am not from the south. What I am not used to is there being snow and the world fucking ending. Atlanta has shut down basically. yup, SHUT DOWN. I drove to work bc I was sick of sitting in my apt ( okay well I braved the roads yesterday as well, probably a bad idea ) and now I'm stuck at work... in one of the hotel rooms. Why? Because it snowed..OH TWO DAYS AGO and the roads still are fucked up. glorious love it. Yes, so I am in the south and I am stuck in a "snow storm' Last winter I was stuck in a snowstorm...yes but I was in Columbus, Ohio and there was like.. a foot of snow or something. Not 3 inches. can ya tell? I am not amused by this snow. NO, I did not go sledding or play in the snow. No the sight of white precipitate did not make me smile. 

2. Numero dos - my eating disorder voice is screaming at me. Eating disorders are nothing but irrational. DUH. why the hell does anyone want to be slowly causing their body to shut down? OH I DON'T KNOW but I'm doing it for some reason? Is it because I want to be skinny for boys? hell no, I don't give a shit about them. it's for me. Okay, I'm 22 and I'd rather look what I FIND attractive more than some guy I might like...? and no, I am not a lesbian. Doesn't seem rational to me. 

NUMBER 3- here's the big one. My thoughts about others and my worries about others don't transfer to myself. HUH? Yes, I know- I worded that in the worst way possible but hey, I didn't major in english or anything so cut me a break. Example- since I obviously have been in treatment--- i have quite a few friends who are also suffering from EDs. Okay, well if I hear about any physical ailments they are having- I kind of mentally freak. I worry and I want nothing bad to happen to them. I get scared that one day I'll wake up and they might be gone because of all the damage they are doing to their bodies or how low their weight is. Yeah, well...i could be at a similar weight and I could be using just as many damn symptoms and I dont worry about my own ability to stay alive. Its one of those things I guess where I feel...invincible? I mean, rationally once again- I know I'm not...I know my body is just as susceptible as anyone's can be. But, do I worry about my own physical health the way I worry about others even if we are having the same ailments? NOPE. why? fuck if i know. but disclaimer- I am not having extreme physical issues due to my ED- I'm really okay. is that my rational voice talking- kinda. half and half. but i do need to put the disclaimer that I am physically okay. My weight is "healthy" and my purging has gone down a lot. so, eh...oh yeah and the waitress at CPK said it was obvious I didn't have an ED bc I ate pizza so on top of my weight being fine , I ate pizza. I AM SO TOTALLY GOOD TO GO. 

god i'm a ball of sarcasm tonight. 

xoxo -Lisa

I miss me- I just want to have fun.

I just want to go back to being a student. It's all I really know how to do--- is be a college student that is super busy. A student with a job- a student running around like a chicken with it's head cut off- busy. I'm used to being busy.

Yes, ignore the ridiculousness of this picture. NYE 2009. holy shit- forever ago
but, hey at least I did what I wanted to
and HAD FUN. 

... I am not busy now...I don't enjoy the time I have off because I have too much free time. Even though that's supposed to be good- having free time...

in fact that is the point. I'm supposed to be using this time to focus on me..my recovery. blah. I'm getting quite sick of focusing on me and growing up responsibly and doing the "right" thing.


Mostly, I'm getting quite sick of attaching true emotions to everything. I just want to do what I impulsively want to and deal w/the consequences the way I used to --- detachment. Hey, it worked for me for years. Its like riding a bike- I can still do it.  

I don't do emotions well- they just kind of drive me a bit insane.

I just want to have fun- be productive- and have the personality that I used to have.

Growing up sucks and I don't want to anymore. I'll eat dammit- if eating will let me be who I was again. I'll fucking eat- not that I don't. I just want to go back to who I was. I liked that person better-- life was easier back then w/out all the emotions I'm supposed to have and I had more fun dammit.

xoxo -Lisa

i want to move forward like i always have

i feel stuck. I want to get my Psy.D but the pre reqs I need to talk i can't take until Fall of 2011. That's 8 months away. I need to keep this part time job so I can work this job while in school. i am hoping to start my doctoral program in Fall of 2012.

Well... there is NOTHING I need to do to put that plan in action at the moment. i need to keep this job so I can't go job hunting. I think my issue right now is that things aren't changing for me. i'm not dealing with any giant life changes and i have nothing to really work towards. i feel like I am just sitting here waiting for august to roll around.

Now...about my meds- i'm on seroquel, lamictal, prozac and klonopin. okay. I lived 21 years of my life without that shit. I am seriously considering on stopping them. I want to stop therapy- if I had never gotten involved with therapy- i feel like i'd be in a better place. I wouldn't be such a wreck. I had always managed to snap in and out of my ED behaviors and honestly- my coping mechanisms helped keep me safe. I never felt extreme emotions like I do now. i had ways to stop that. What is the point in feeling debilitating emotions.

all I want is the life i had back. the life I had back in college- being in classes- busy all the time- not dealing w/all these stupid introspection things of the past. i was so much more functional then, less overwhelmed even though i was doing more...

I just felt like I was going somewhere with life- doing something that would lead to SOMETHING.

what the hell am i doing now? working a part time job that I will admit- is really relaxing and... doing individual therapy twice a week. so what do i do on the days i don't work and don't have therapy or even on the days i do have therapy but since it's only for an hour...what do i do? you tell me- because i sure as hell don't know.

I feel like i want to just be put in a medically induced coma until this fall when i can go back to school and start working towards something again. All I really know how to be is a student...

xoxo -Lisa

Just keep swimming- Dora "finding nemo"

Floating video blog link

don't have much to say...

xoxo -Lisa

okay, screw it

okay, you know thing are bad/off when I update twice in one day....

I've really been trying to just hold things in a bit- I know I've been open about it not being easy-- but now--- things have totally piled up....I just spent the last uhm about 45 minutes crying on the phone with Amy. GO ME. I have not had a worse holiday season in my entire life. These few weeks have been so hard for me. I have not gone ONE day without crying... without crying about Amy or Nancy. It's all the attachment. I've been so miserable- that's it- everyday... and no one can accuse me of not trying to be positive- I TRY- I AM TRYING SO HARD but it comes in such bad waves sometimes and I just end up losing it.

I fucking hate the holidays. I hate it. I feel like everyone I know is falling downhill because the holidays are such a goddamn trigger. why. fuck if i know why. WHY CAN'T I GET CUT A BREAK. I knew I was going to have a hard time leaving Amy while i was at ACE but I got away with it because at the time- things were such a whirlwind and after getting kicked out of ACE- my brain just stopped in a way- my sense of time went out the window as well. I got away w/not dealing w/saying goood-bye to Amy. NOW I HAVE TO DO IT. why do i never get cut a break.... I just....can't deal with both acclimating back. I seriously just don't do well with change and when change is all over the place- all i want to be is be somewhere safe. Part of me just wants to admit my ass back into treatment bc I'm so overwhelmed but honestly...I can't go... I NEED to keep the job I have now. It's perfect for the place I am in in my life. I can / have the option to do IOP- I don't know... insurance wise- I'm just-- the money that is needed to get help for this shit is incredibly ridiculous.


I'm not dedicating a picture to anyone but it's a pretty dismal one- but it is how i feel and I'm not going to purposefully drag someone down w/me.

i just want to fastforward time by like 2 months. I'm so sick how the last few weeks have been and yano what's scary? People kept telling me when I was flipping out over Nancy that the anticipation was very likely worse than how bad it would feel. The anticipation was NOTHING compared to how bad it was, so how bad I'm already feeling and anticipating feeling over leaving Amy and the whole flood of emotions with that and acclimating back to Nancy- it's TOO OVERWHELMING.


xoxo -Lisa

Does Amy feed you? W.T.F

it's so hard to get them to understand-vlog link

excuse me dad? wtf. actually the exact question was "Is Amy helping you eat?" WTF. YES, but in a roundabout way. We almost never talk about food and weight in our sessions- every once in a while- YES but that's not it. In my video, I mentioned how the symptoms have to be gone to get down to the core- the exact opposite of physical illness and since my dad is an ER doc- i can understand his confusion but...still- I've explained to him so many times- so has Nancy, Dr. Moore, ACE, Amy...etc

WHEN IS HE GOING TO GET IT? I know he'll never get it completely. People that aren't in this place- since it IS irrational and quite confusing won't understand to a degree why we do this to ourselves but I'm starting to wonder if some people who get told over and over by professionals a simple explanations of it...that still don't get it-- ie- my family- if they're like mentally just retarded... maybe that's where I get my retardedness from... UGH

But- I spent hours making an amazing scrapbook yesterday. okay by hours- EIGHT hah. I love it but while making it- during random times-- I was just bawling.

Jamie- for understanding the attachment and not judging and

is going through a similar situation. we'll get through it. 

i'm scared, anxious and okay- i am mostly just scared of what's to come. Nancy coming back. It's going to bring about a whole world of emotions that I am going to have to deal with that I... I just don't want to. Leaving Amy is going to be really fucking hard because I am just not getting with it. She kept telling me yesterday- Lisa it will even out, we'll figure something out- it will be okay...I don't adapt well- it takes me a while and I'm finally starting to function alright w/out Nancy. well define alright... but still and now I have to adapt to a different situation AGAIN- right as I'm getting used to this. Nancy is supposed to call me this week. I'm just a whole ball of different emotions about it. I am tempted to just let it go to voicemail. Yes, I know- I was just complaining about how much I want her to come back and I DO! I'm just...really scared. GOD - I LOVE ATTACHMENT ISSUES INVOLVING THERAPISTS. I am sooooooo glad I don't have a male therapist- that would be a goddamn fucking mess...

this is going to be a rough few weeks....

....wish me luck...

xoxo -Lisa

xoxo -Lisa

Struggling but trying- goals day by day

Treatment again? Borderline and Eating disorder vlog<--link

*I'm going to start dedicating certain pictures to a particular person a day but I do hope the picture does inspire everyone as well =)

I've been thinking a lot lately about why I've really been struggling... I wish I could figure out the exact reason- I know it has to do with Nancy but that can't be all of it....

I've started making goals by day. Yesterday was to eat at work- and not purge- SCORE and I ate more when I got home. But, I had way too much sugar free candy... which really upset my stomach- I was so uncomfortably bloated so my retarded brain was like well obviously laxatives will help cause... yeah. Well I woke up at like 4 AM today in the worst PAIN of my life. I've taken laxatives before but omg- i wanted to die.

Now i'm exhausted and physically just worn out. I slept in after that but I don't know- I'm just so physically tired...and my head is spinning- I'm having a feeling my blood sugar is probably low or I'm dehydrated or...both. not a good sign. plus- my period is late and there is not way I could be pregnant. This is a bad sign- I might really need some more outside support. I'm not really opposed to it but of course I don't want to go... and I'm going to give myself a few more weeks and see how things go when Nancy gets back. I know once she's back if I keep slipping- something will have to be done. I don't want to quit this job that I have that I can actually handle.  I will have to find some sort of treatment that can work w/my therapy schedule and work. Ridgeview's intensive outpatient program is looking good but..we'll see. I don't want to commit or really do anything right now. I just want to try with what I have for a bit. It may not sound like it but I am truly trying.

I'm dedicating this picture to my friend Kaylin * who I wish the best in recovery :)

• I've realized something else while talking to a really great friend of mine. I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. Yes, supporting and helping others is incredibly important in life as well but the support that I offer others I need to also offer myself. I need to find the strength in me to be my own support and if I'm in a triggering position while helping others- I need to probably take a step back and access what is going on. 

It is a new year- I have lots of thoughts about how I want it to be... and all I can say is- day by day- I'm going to try. 


xoxo -Lisa

I'm cured! "You must not have an eating disorder"

You ate pizza, you obvi don't have an ED vlog

So, i basically explained in my video why I am totally all cured and DON'T have an eating disorder anymore- according to ignorant idiots. I seriously hate the stereotype of eating disordered people. 

1) we don't all weigh 70lbs and look emaciated

2) we DO EAT

3)We're not all mid upper class white "princesses", anyone can succumb to this

4) It's not about the weight ( the core isn't )

5) We aren't shallow idiots who want to look like the celebrities on magazine covers

okay, end of that rant. But yes, so I laughed it off but I do admit, it was a bit awkward... but I did LOVE the pizza and brownie sundae I had there. 

ALSO- before I forget "It's 2011. yay." okay, so yes there was sarcasm in that statement. It feels like just another day for me. I've made daily goals for myself- well I started to yesterday- let's see how long this lasts. but it was to not purge! AND I DIDN'T! =) woo. but...I also had to supplement with Ensures because I didn't want to risk purging. I DID EAT but I knew not enough so I ended up with my best friend- the chocolate flavored Ensure. I know eventually I need to replace those with solid foods and not purge.

I don't want to lose weight but...gaining also scares the motherfuckin shit out of me...even tho I have lost since Nancy left but... i donno... MY ED is talking.... so I'm going to stop typing this thought...

so...let's see...new year's resolutions. Do I do them? NOT REALLY bc I ALWAYS FAIL.

but I do have some "goals" that i'd really like to achieve this year ( since it apparently might be the last year before the world ends..) ...which is basically the same thing as a resolution. hah

• I want to learn how to love ( okay, that will take more than just one year )
• I want to learn how to truly trust
• I need to start believing more people truly care about me than i think
• I want to eat healthy - not disordered healthy but ...legit healthy
• 
  
• I am thinking about maybe...just maybe... seeing if I can apply religion back into my life. I don't know... about this one though
• I want to not regret as much of 2011 as I do of 2010. 
• I want to learn to not regret 2010 because I've learned so much about myself
• I want to stop jumping in front of trains ( metaphorically ) - as Alex says... I see a trainwreck and go running towards it.
• I just want to have a calmer year than I have before
• I want to really realize that i need to take care of myself --- that I matter too and to keep myself a distance away from triggering things

Yano... lots of times people/whatever say that at a healthier weight they were happier. I...don't have those memories except for a few months this summer. The month of July. my weight was higher than it is now- within the healthy range- not my high weight and...I wasn't worrying about it and I did have fun in July. July was a good month for me. Things went downhill in August but that is the only time that i had not been  worrying about my weight since...I can remember.

By the time I was 12, I was scared of getting a double chin... and my weight has yo yo- ed but everytime it's at a higher more healthy weight- i hate myself- i'm disgusted and not satisfied w/my body and I keep thinking- okay, tomorrow- diet. THEN when I end up using symptoms- i'm not happy either. SO LOSE LOSE

I need a win- win situation this year. 

HAPPY NEW YEAR Y'ALL!!!

and this picture is dedicated to my lovely friend Katie ( who is not asian despite her Hello Kitty obsession- in fact she's as southern belle as ya get :P )- who is in treatment a like few thousand miles away from me. I hope it makes you ( and others ) laugh and brightens your day a little! 

xoxo -Lisa

Think about it...

Think about it- vlog

I feel like shit. My head hurts, I've been dizzy all day. So great, now physically and emotionally I feel like shit. OKAY- sign - EAT MORE LISA. Okay, so I tell myself that and I have eaten an embarrassing amount. In my opinion anyway. I have these days every once in a while. I spend the entire morning and early afternoon restricting and honestly most of the time- I feel okay but then there are those days-- those dreaded days that I FEEL LIKE SHIT and so I just start eating and I keep thinking that if I eat I'll feel better. I feel like I'm on an all day binge in a way. But, I'm eating "safe" foods except...I did just eat my sole comfort Lisa food- pop tarts... and as I said above in my video... I am not really in a place to challenge myself. I felt as if my reach up the cabinet was an autopilot thing and since I had already felt as if I had been on a binge all day- the last challenge food...did it for me. So the after action felt very autopilot as well. FAIL. After purging, I always tell myself I'm not going to do this anymore while Nancy is gone- I can't promise myself forever so that's my timeline for now.

well...shit.

I can keep telling myself- pick yourself back up and start over - not tomorrow not later tonight but right now. Well... easier said than done. I can say- no more purging today and as I've emphasized before- I DO NOT ENJOY IT...i enjoy the empty feeling after and i guess that's why once I start- i seem to have to go all the way... but afterwards...like now- I AM NOT LIKING MYSELF. 

I'm definitely having a hard time using my coping mechanisms right now... the only one I can truly remember is to avoid triggering things, which I did most of the day. I even made it out of Kroger safely...

All I can really do at the moment is remind myself the last time I purged was Christmas ( I think ) so that was 5 days ago- practically a week. So, unless my memory has got shot to hell...I made it 5 days. that's a success....

xoxo -Lisa