"she lives the poetry she cannot write"

This oscar wilde quote is tattooed onto my right shoulder blade. it's very ambiguous-- take it however you want to. It's all in our heads- how we look at things. It's all also how we hand and manage our lives. I finally feel the free-est I've ever felt. That does not mean I still suffer from ED issues- it still screams at me some days much louder than others- constant fight- and hopefully a voice that will fade more and more as time goes on. It's finally time to really really focus on myself. To be free and live the poetry I want to. To let ED fly away from me.


xoxo -Lisa

xoxo -Lisa

Why is it food?

A friend asked me this morning- one who I was in treatment with..."why is it food"

i don't know. why is it food? What made me as a 14 year old choose food. What made it spin out of control from the regular diets that most teenager girls want to go on at some point to a full-fledged life controlling/destroying eating disorder?

why did I take this route?

winter of 2008. Yes, I know I look 15, but I was 20 lol.

BUT I was happy and didn't even think about my weight. I was in an out cycle. I wasn't watching what I was eating to the extent I have done. I look happy. I look genuinely happy and I remember food not being my main enemy--instead I was actually dealing head on with my personal issus. I was actually able to handle my personal life then. I wasn't in the perfect situation that winter ( far from it ) but it didn't break me down...like things do now...and of course I go back to before 2008 and I find more pictures of me when I am in an IN cycle. then I find another OUT cycle...where I didn't care. The thoughts rarely passed through my head, never enough for me to take any sort of action. If I wanted to eat something- i ate it. When I had personal issues- I dealt with them, I didn't run. I did far from it- I confronted things to an aggressive level sometimes. Now I just do that at the wrong time then cower in a corner and...then take off running as fast as I can when I get confused or possibly hurt. Well...this is what I've been working on changing and it's....changing...slowly..painfully...mostly slowly...

why can't I go back? why are the bad phases so bad and the good ones...seem so foreign now........

xoxo -Lisa

Its a scar

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I'm proud of me today

Okay, so I woke up PERFECTLY FINE. seriously. But as the night went on my emotions somehow decided to kick in. fuck you therapy for making me vulnerable.

i realized I hadn't eaten much all day...( okay...or anything ) mostly just out of forgetfullness- i was not trying to restrict- i was just busy doing other things/thinking about other things...and honestly, I wanted NOTHING BUT JUNK SHIT BINGE FOOD. Nothing but that, but I knew I am not able to yet handle my binge food without purging. I've come so far since using food to get me blazed out of my emotions...I wasn't about to go back due to some unexpected emotions....and confusion. So, I didn't and haven't and won't. I won't go back to using binge food and purging or restricting. I said I was done and I am doing my best TO be done.

A friend asked me if I had any good memories related to food. If I ever had any, I've done a great job at ruining all of them. Because pretty much all food makes me think of the bathroom floor and a toilet and my head halfway in it...no joke.

Nancy M called because I emailed her with a simple sentence last night keeping her up to date. I was fine when she called. She seemed surprised but also skeptical. Mostly, skeptical. Fuck. I have to see her tomorrow and if I end up loosing it again- I'm going to be embarrassed as shit bc I feel like this is all very immature of me, but I've processed and thought this through myself. I really think I'm good now...

Okay, lie. I won't be good...for a while at least...I'll be fine and I understand and know that I'll be perfectly fine. I have to accept the fact that yes, my emotions will .... ugh...be ... i donno... here?

agh. faaauck.

life happens. that's all. no more symptom usage :) I"m slowly becoming free of that.....as hard as that is. At least that is something to be proud of.

Now if I could only be free from negative emotions...

xoxo -Lisa

weight lifted off of me ...literally

I honestly....feel much better. A lot less anxious and like things are definitely going in the right direction :). I'm not longer constantly having a battle in my head about one thing. Maybe now the other will fade as well



xoxo -Lisa

Soo..oo..

 I can look at the mirror and not hate myself. I don't LOVE it but I think it's al-right. Not perfect, but I can live with it. I take this body over the mental anguish and shit that ED brings into my life.

I was too scared that I had overshoot the weight that my nutritionist gave me by a ridiculous amount of weight so my eating habits were ALL over the god damn place and not stable in ANY manner- not healthy. I was jumping back and forth between SHIT and nothing. Instead, I'm pretty much right about at that range. I'm sick of playing with my metabolism and eating shit instead of just eating meals like normal people do. Nutritious meals with healthy fats AND nutrients and ALSO the occasional piece of junk if I want it.

MODERATION- grey- not black and white. I can't just color totally inside my strict lines but I also can't just scribble all over the page. I can't just restrict and use symptoms and I can't just let myself go. I can eat when I'm hungry- which I still have to figure out hunger cues.

i can do this.

xoxo -Lisa

Distortion

So...my internet is spazzing in and out, so I figure I better update now and get out my anxiety and frustration now before my internet dies again.

I have NO concept of my perceived body image. It's so frustrating. I was always positive about what I saw in the mirror...I didn't realize that the only reason I believed what I saw was because of the number on the scale that backed it up. Now I have no scale. I HAVE NO IDEA what i look like. It's been...barely over 2 weeks since I've been weighed and it feels like 1 year thus I also feel like I probably gained 10lbs. Rationally, I know it's probably not true but I have NO idea what my mirror or clothes are telling me. Just because something is too big- I don't remember when it was too big. I'm petrified to knowhow much I might actually weight. I'd be relieved if it was close to what I wanted but I'm not expecting that. I don't know. I really don't know. This is forcing me to sit and debate "if i CAN eat [ blank food ]. " I always look at the time of day to see how many hours I have left in the day and how much more I might eat. This is fucking stupid, the only time I should ask if I CAN eat anything is if I'm allergic to it, not because I'm scared of it. SHOULD I eat [insert food] is obviously a better question. This is tiring and frustrating the shit out of me....but I'm trying. I believe I defintely AM eating enough though, it's just the unending debate before I decide to do the right thing.

THAT NEEDS TO STOP. i want it to stop. Hopefully when I start work, it will lessen...because I'll be busier.

xoxo -Lisa

Can you keep silence?

Ever wondered what it might be like to be in the mind of someone recovering from an eating disorder? I'm sure those reading and those supporting me either have already gotten a slight clue or truly understand themselves. I'm out of intensive ( not exactly by choice ) but I feel it is really okay. I'm feeling better, but by no means is any day easy. But it doesn't mean I'm not okay. It doesn't mean I'm not capable of doing what I used to do. It just means my mind goes to places I wish it wouldn't. I sat around for 3 hours today debating ( seriously?! it's embarrassing to admit to be honest ) if I could allow myself to eat a donut. I was worried that if I ate the donut, I'd purge it or not eat the rest of the day as punishment.

I ate the donut. I enjoyed it, but I didn't feel great about myself afterwards. I knew I couldn't/shouldn't use symptoms.  So after eating the donut, I re-arranged my cabinets and put all the sugary foods/foods I find harder to comfortably eat but for some damn reason decided to buy.... I put all these foods in the cabinet above my refrigerator. A cabinet that I can't reach unless I climb onto the counter. Thus it takes work to get that food. I guess this was my way of purging- making me feel a bit better. I don't know. I do know that this is much better than actual purging or not eating the rest of the day. The donut threw off my day as well. I didn't feel like being around anyone because it just made me feel a bit odd. This is all due to a donut. I canceled plans with a friend, spent an hour re-arranging my kitchen all on top of the debating I had done before I even ate the fucking donut. This is not a life to live.

And of course now it's 8 PM at night and I'm still thinking about that one damn donut that I ate around 3PM. it's a fucking fight. every day. But... it's my life. My control. I can't let a fucking donut ruin it :) and I won't. No one should be prisoner to a number, a food, a shape or size. It's not any way to live. It's a painful way to live. It's a life to get out of. 

xoxo -Lisa

Not the greatest of days...

I was able to do the right thing and eat....and then at the end of the night...proceed to ruin my day by eating 2 brownies...I just need to remind myself that 2 brownies is okay. I'm not going to purge it and it's okay. it's okay. it's okay. fml. it's okay.

.but I woke up feeling gross and still feel gross---avoiding the mirror. I've realized that w/out having my scale I can't grasp how I feel my body looks. I based how my body looked off a number on the scale. I feel like if i were to step on one of those things now it'd be 20lb more than the last time I stepped on it so I am literally petrified of scales right now.

I realized today that it's only been one week since I left ACE.  I feel like it's been a year...and I feel like so much time has passed and I've eaten so much. I know this is sounding ridiculous. I just have no concept of time at the moment. I'm really glad I'm going to go in and make a schedule tomorrow. I really need some structure. This week without any structure has left me sitting here twiddling my thumbs bored as shit and losing all concept of time. I seriously feel like last week was one month ago.

I need structure...
xoxo -Lisa

"It's called life and you just have to deal"

"Dreams aren't perfect, they come true, not free" -Joey Potter -Dawson's Creek
Yes, I realize I did just quote Dawsons Creek.

When I was 16,  watching Dawson's Creek helped me through some really difficult times. It's odd for me to remember that a tv show helped me feel more validated for my moments of teen angst. It was my therapy. Too bad the show was a complete soap opera.

Now 6 years later, I'm 22 and I'm watching series finale again. I found the dvd for $3 and there was no way I could turn down such a nostalgic memory for so cheap. In the show, the characters were in high school and then college or whatever life happens after graduating high school. In the finale, they're young adults still having moments of angst but adult angst. Angst never goes away- it's how I handle it or choose to deal with it.
"You're constantly getting into these situations where you jump in with your heart and jump out with your head. Your head and heart have just been in constant conflict." 


Alex and I joke a lot that our lives are a joke, that the irony of so much that happens just isn't real. "someday, someone's going to jump out and yell surprise, you're on candid camera"- Alex to me.  So much of my life seems to be unreal to me right now. I feel like I just came out of a coma, or released from jail. It seems like a soap opera, everything comes so unexpectedly for me. Is it me or is it just life?

I can't help but still have thoughts that I know are unhealthy. But, I am well aware of it all and I am trying. I've been lucky enough to FEEL GOOD ( probably due to my nice correct mix of psycho-meds that my psych has me on haha ), HAVE GOTTEN A JOB SO QUICKLY and HAVE AMAZING FRENDS still sitting by me. I CANNOT SCREW UP THIS TIME. As Nancy and I discussed today, neither her or I want me to end up back in intensive.  That is screwing up to me. I can't let something like behavioral and emotional troubles to take over my life. I need make this work. I've got the odds in my favor and I just need to remember what I NEED TO DO FOR ME THAT IS GOOD FOR MY FUTURE in the long run. I need to remember what is important in my life, what is temporary and capable of changing. I need to remember to be patient. I need to know where to put my energy. 

" When you find that love, wherever you find it, whoever you choose, don't run away from it...but you don't have to chase after it either. You just be patient, and it'll come to you, I promise, and when you least expect it"

I have to take this job seriously- I can't just slum through like I did with most of school. I made it through without taking it as seriously as I should. Most of college and high school was just me scrambling to fix my screw ups so that I could graduate with what I planned to.

"The only decision left is the one that I need to make with myself, to stop running once and for all...I mean I know who I'm supposed to be with, I've always known. But, then the fear takes over: the free floating anxiety ridden fear in the pit of my stomach that makes me run. I am completely comfortable with running, I really don't know any other way."


My treatment plan is different- it's much more similar to what it was at the end of the school year. I told Nancy M that I needed to take things slow- I feel as if I have been over-theraperized and a bit traumatized. I'm still trying to realize that it was literally one week ago that I was walking out of emotions group right now

I CANNOT screw up this time. I had dreams as a child- I can't remember them- but I had dreams and I feel like... when I had them, they symbolized the perfect life. I really have realized that dreams aren't perfect...but I still do have them. They are just more realistic now. More mature, less dramatic and more of what I NEED for me to be what I truly think is successful

"it's not about getting it right. It's about knowing when something's wrong and doing something about it"


..........


xoxo -Lisa

hakuna matata

I'm young and overthinking too many things- complicating more than I need to. Most things in my head have totally calmed down except for one thing- until tonight. I'm going to try to be done being wishy washy. It's a waste of my time and I can't even figure out what it is I am wishy washy about. I can't figure it out without changing my mind every 5 seconds so honestly...I don't see a point in even thinking about it anymore.

hakuna matata- seriously. this shit that is clouding my life- gone. go. gone.

xoxo -Lisa

ED---> Out- Adult<--- In...ALMOST....

4 days ago-I walked into Amy SB's office at ACE and Kilmer follows me in and then says in a very "carefully worded" way that I was officially pulled from groups and that I was to continue individual with Amy and nutrition with Eileen...Amy is my case worker- we discuss what happens in groups so if I'm pulled from groups...what am I paying Amy $150/hr for that Nancy M can't do? I really do miss Amy SB A LOT, she was my favorite at ACE.

4 days ago- I applied for the optometric technician/optical assistant job at the Atlanta Optical Vision center.

3 days ago- I got offered an interview

yesterday- I went to the interview

this morning- I got a call saying that they wanted to hire me and what I thought.

IN 4 days I went from intensive therapy 4 days a week for 6 hours a day ( 24 hour /week ) to ...individual therapy for 2 hours a week and being offered an adult job that has NOTHING to do with mental health for 30+ hours a week.

I FEEL LIKE MY LIFE FLIPPED DRASTICALLY in less than 5 days.

I know I'm not recovered. I know I'm not eating disordered free. I know my thoughts are not what the "normal" person's are. I know I am still in need of therapy. I'm done with group therapy for now. I'm done with treatment centers.

BUT...

I'm ready to start living an adult life ( semi - adult ). I'm quite excited-- gonna have to at least dress and pretend to be an adult ( the clothes excite me a bit too much haha ). I've got to dress like a young professional ( ie- yuppie ) everyday. I hope the job goes well. I am glad it's not just a receptionist job- which are most of the jobs I applied for. I applied mostly for jobs that were far lower than my resume qualified me for- but one of my big things is I don't want to overwhelm myself. I also don't want to bore the shit out of myself either- I do want to feel like I am actually doing something.

Now- for the issue...where the fuck did my hunger cues go? I had them sometimes while I was at ACE. Do I need that dumb wooden table in that room to have hunger cues? I just seem to be freaking thirsty ALL the time. I have not thought "I'm hungry, I should eat" in quite a while. I do eat mechanically when I remember to or when I crave something sweet or shitty for me - but then I feel guilty for eating it.. go me. I do definitely have "I'm too full ugh " cues...I guess this is why Nancy NM said that me continuing to see her twice a week was just as important as finding a job. I did mention that I want to work 30-40 hours a week... I still rarely taste my food. I'm trying not to critique everything about my body.

I'm glad my life is finally starting- at least I feel like it...I'm scared I'm mistaken. This could just be another "fake..." and I relapse again. I hope not though. I really don't feel like that will happen....I just really need to learn to eat more mechanically and not...pick at my food. It's at these moments...that I know I have eating issues but I don't think they need to be directly addressed...and hopefully will just fade as I grow.

NOW- time to start life.

xoxo -Lisa

Things are flying by me...

....things are flipping and flying right by me. Things equaling my life. One day I'm doing IOP at ACE- the next - I'm gone and it's time to get a job. I send out 600 ( okay, slight exaggeration ) resumes-- Interview at an Optical Vision Center tomorrow at 1 PM. I hope I get other interviews as well. I also signed up with a temp agency, so I am pretty confident that I will have a job...in the near future.  Hopefully, very near. I'm looking forward to it, although I have a feeling a few days into it, I'll be dreading working and seeming like an adult.


   I guess since things are changing, I just HAD to re-organize my bedroom. Bought a bookshelf and an end table, moved ALL my clothes into the closet and I re-arranged everything in the kitchen and then organized my bathroom drawers. What's with me? haha

  I met w/Nancy today, it was a really good meeting. She didn't lecture me and she seemed very understanding. And..honestly..i feel more and more like my old self- but a more mature one ( maybe--we'll see ). I really do have the energy and spunk back.

  Speaking of spunk-- as Alex said "you never leave without a boom"-- I sent a letter to the clinical directors of ACE stating what I thought happened and how unprofessional my leave appeared. I did not expect a response back, but I got one today. Blew me away that I even got me. I'm just glad I got to write it and use my voice. But Alex is right, I never go out w/out a boom I guess. I should have known quietly tapering out of ACE wasn't going to happen.

update: I GOT THE JOB! :)

xoxo -Lisa

Time to grow up..

...sometimes while I was in Intensive Outpatient or Partial Hospitalization at ACE, I felt as if time had stopped for me. The rest of the world was moving because of course logically, the world never stops moving. But, I felt as if time in my life had been stopped. I am not saying that is a bad thing, because I kno it had to be done...

...and even though being pulled from groups and ACE was thrown on my in a surprise- I feel like it's a good thing. It is time forward- I feel as it really is time for me to be an adult. For me to have an age appropriate job and feel like I am 22. I feel as if that validation will help a lot. I spoke to Nancy today and she told me that she really felt as if I could handle this now. Nor was she mad at me. She said if this had happened a month or so ago, she'd be worried that I'd need more support but I've worked my fucking ass off recently and I feel like I'm doing well.

It's time to be an adult. I'm ready and looking forward to it. Kinda scared and I've heard- being an adult SUCKS but I'm 22...it's time. I have a job interview with the Atlanta Vision Optical center in Edgewood on Friday for an Optical Technician/ Assistant. I'm excited, I feel like I'm already starting to move on...

the only issues is that things are moving so quickly. but it's okay, I can handle this.

xoxo -Lisa

WELL...i got kicked out of a treatment center...

...I'm just that difficult. But, I don't regret anything. I got kicked out of ACE because they had found solid proof that I was "subgrouping" as in being friends with the girls outside of ACE. Yeah, well I don't regret a damn thing because I have made some awesome friends who have done nothing but encourage me this entire time I've been dealing with this. I know I will still have the friends and honestly, I feel like I'm in an okay place to get a job, something simple, and just do individual and if I start to fall downhill, there are other options here in Atlanta. If ACE can't handle me, then there's Ridgeview but I really think I can do it w/out groups and just the support of my Nancy, my parents and my amazing friends.

I still am in shock that I got kicked out of a treatment center. I broke a rule and I got caught. In all honesty, I'm also glad out of everyone it could have been that it was me because I believe I am in a place where I am able to recover with the resources I have. But I really do somehow legit feel positive and KNOW I CAN STILL DO THIS.

And ... even in group the other day- i said I didn't believe/understand what love really was. I'm calling my own bullshit on that one now. I've never felt more loved by the wonderful friends I have and I could not have made these friends without ACE and ACE groups have helped but it is time to leave. I know what love is now, i know what it feels like to have others behind me and to have them care. So, if anything-- thank you ACE for helping me learn what love was- too bad I had to break one of your rules to learn but I'm thankful I learned that love can be obtained by more than just one friend. That I can be loved by many and I can also give it back now without being afraid of getting in trouble. so fuck you ACE for that rule because breaking it helped me and never was once something that was unhealthy. but if any lesson also learned- if i need to break rules to gt something out of where I am- i may not be in the right place... and i have received a lot out of ACE- they have offered me some awesome support but like I said earlier..it may just not be the place for me and I need to learn to stick to rules more...even if I don't agree to them. but still. I got good results.

Now i'm off to send ..9000 resumes to random places hoping I get a job- anyone know anyplace that's hiring?


xoxo -Lisa

first meal at home

I'm cooking my first meal in my apt. I've lived here for 2 months and I'm cooking my first meal here for here. Every meal I've made here has gone to ACE. I have not eaten a legitimate meal here in my apt on my own... ever yet.... saaad. Now i'm cooking it...and..i'm going to eat it. but i am fighting every minute ...

xoxo -Lisa

In an ordinary fairy tale land, there's a promise of a happy end...

I did something incredibly stupid. I went to Wal-Mart today to get a few things- practical things, cat food, folders, pens and cash so I could buy dumplings from this chinese place that only takes cash..so practical things to get at Wal-Mart. "walk in and out Lisa" is what I told myself

but...I somehow found myself in the section with the scales. and..thank you Wal-Mart for having test scales. I stepped on like 5 of them and I flipped in my head. I had the thoughts in my head that.. "okay restrict and other symptoms" you have to get this back down to where you want it. Don't go to the place and buy the dumplings. Just restrict and use symptoms this week. You're turning into a fat cow...

After about 30 minutes sitting in my car in the Wal-Mart parking lot- I decided..stop thinking about your damn weight. I am okay with how I look in the mirror, I have been working out and maybe gained muscle( not cardio...bc I'm still not allowed ) and it's also that time of the month so i could be bloated. But in all reality I was like 1/4th of a lb heavier than I was so it's really not a big deal,but it made my head flip...and seeing that written out makes me feel even more ridiculous.

then I had to just keep telling myself that restricting and using other symptoms is not going to get me anywhere...i'm finally going somewhere I cannot let this weight thing keep me stuck...i can't. i can't. but I have to keep repeating this to myself...over and over again...

I still believe the weight I was at was FINE. I am scared of gaining weight. FINE. I do have an eating disorder. UGH but I just...I really still think the weight I want to be at is fine. I don't like my weight now but I have to keep reminding myself...last time I weighed this was when I was 13-14...ALMOST A DECADE AGO- when you were a child. I am an adult now..so my weight is not fine..but...i have to keep repeating this to myself over and over again.

I did go to the chinese place and got dumplings. When I'm not at ACE i'm not eating anything w/nutritional value except protein bars. I need to start being healthy again too...I need to eat balanced meals when i'm not at ace except junk shit.

I at least learned my lesson- stay away from the scales.... I definitely know that now...

now I just need to keep repeating to myself something that I don't totally believe quite yet but I know is right.I debate in my head every minute about certain things. I can never settle on a concrete answer except I want to move on in life but then I wonder if I have to do everything everyone is telling me to do...because a LOT OF ME wants to go back to dealing with interpersonal shit the way I used to. This is too hard right now. A LOT of me wants to just pick up and RUN. FAST ( well literally and figuratively..) I wonder if I can live a good life going back to who I was when it came to interpersonal relations. I want the food fear to go away, I know that. But I want my wall back. Now i sit and debate .... on whether or not that is even an option for me right now.

1/3rd of eating disorder patients completely recover
1/3rd partially recover-enough to blend back into society
1/3rd carry it with them ... for ever
10% die

I'm scared that this cycle will never end and that I will get better and .. somewhere down the road, be it 5 years or 5 months down the road, I'll have some sort of relapse again. That is...one of my biggest fears..

xoxo -Lisa

Home. where the "heart" is

I'm watching this documentary called American Teen which was filmed in Warsaw, Indiana. It is very reminiscent of high school. It was filmed in Indiana. I'm from indiana- suburbia. Warsaw doesn't seem as suburban as Carmel was but.... granted. I grew up in suburbia. If anyone has ever seen the tv show Weeds. the theme song "Little Boxes" by Malvina Reynolds--> perfect song about my neighborhood.

Little boxes on the hillside, Little boxes made of ticky tacky,1 Little boxes on the hillside, Little boxes all the same. There's a green one and a pink one And a blue one and a yellow one, And they're all made out of ticky tacky And they all look just the same. And the people in the houses All went to the university, Where they were put in boxes And they came out all the same, And there's doctors and lawyers, And business executives, And they're all made out of ticky tacky And they all look just the same. And they all play on the golf course And drink their martinis dry, And they all have pretty children And the children go to school, And the children go to summer camp And then to the university, Where they are put in boxes And they come out all the same. And the boys go into business And marry and raise a family In boxes made of ticky tacky And they all look just the same. There's a green one and a pink one And a blue one and a yellow one, And they're all made out of ticky tacky And they all look just the same. The more I watch of this film, I didn't go through a lot of the typical shit that happens in high school. I never was the middle of a giant rumor throughout the entire school but there were people where rumors were spread and everyone knew about it. The bullying that goes on...I never did and never really experienced. I was lucky enough to not experience bullying in high school or middle school. If I was ever..it wasn't intense enough for me to remember... but I'm not surprised at all by what I'm watching in this documentary.  Not only does this make me sure I have found my home here in Atlanta, but I have no real desire to go back to the midwest.  I HAVE FINALLY FOUND SOMEWHERE where i feel like I'm rooted. Here, where I am today... I've moved so many times in my childhood, I never cared about where I lived. I just learned to adapt.  When I was in college, I felt like I was just there for my education but during these past few months, when I haven't been in school and have been actually LIVING for no other reason than choice... I really feel at home. I've gone through some of roughest months of my life here ad maybe that is why I feel rooted here. I've grown so much here and realized a lot...in this very apt I am right now. I plan/want to move to Dunwoody next fall and really start living my life as an adult. I finally feel like this is a real option.  I am tapering out of groups at ACE and if things go according to plan... which I hope they do, I will continue to progress. I haven't mentally felt this good in a long time. I feel functional again. I feel as if I really will be able to take classes in the spring and finally live again.  now, sometimes...I wonder if I ever had a true all out eating disorder...because I never lost my period or had hair fall out. I almost feel as if I failed at having an eating disorder and the biggest reason I had issues for the last few months were really my problems with my head...although I really want to go back to the way I was- emotionally "untouchable" and could really focus on what I think matters, such as my career and school. I still am uncomfortable with the idea of  interpersonal relationships affecting my life. I have learned that I need to deal w/them and that they are a part of life, but I don't want my life to rely on them. That's still where I feel like I'm fighting what Nancy M, Amy SB and ACE is telling me...

xoxo -Lisa

I'm going to beat this bitch....

In cognitive group today, we role played. One person played the eating disorder voice and the other played the healthy voice. What I and others realized is that the eating disorder side ( which I played once ) could not win, all the rational reasoning...ran in a circle. There was no concrete evidence to back up anything the eating disorder voice says. The healthy voice (which I also played once ) on the other hand keeps shooting out logical reasons why it's right. I saw how the eating disorder voice's arguments were just getting more and more child-like and ridiculous. This gives me hope that I can now realize the ridiculousness of some of the ED voices and thoughts. Saying them outloud... really do sound ridiculous. This gives me hope and makes me feel like I can break free...

NOW let's step back in time by about 24 hours...

Yesterday was ruined for me because... ( since I've got no scales ) I found out at ACE I had gained...a tiny tiny amount of weight ( i don't even want to say bc it's so small it's ridiculous ) but it completely ruined my day. Amy SB and I then decided it would be best for me to be blind weighted until I reach my goal weight...so the number will not be something that I concentrate on, and definitely not something I NEED to concentrate on. I'm improving in every other aspect but this. I was so overwhelmed yesterday, I didn't want to go back to ACE. I felt as if I had recovered enough to function. I had no desire to go back because I felt like at the weight I am at, it's perfectly fine and healthy. I didn't want to gain anymore. I knew I wasn't 100% recovered but I felt as if I were good to go. I felt like I am able to function again...I didn't need ACE. I was going to be fine on my own. I was sick of ACE and therapy. Then a wonderful friend hit me on the head with a hammer and after talking with her and having her be frankly blunt w/me and a good night's sleep..i realized I needed to go back to ACE. I know i AM getting better because at the end of this month, I am allowed to drop 1/3rd of my groups. I can feel my thoughts changing and my behaviors changing but I still need the support of ACE. If i just upped and left right now I could easily relapse. I would be in a place where my ED voices and other thoughts would always be hovering over me ready to burst whenever I hit a rough patch. I still can't do it on my own. I still have to face the hardest internal issues. 


The eating issue is still pretty difficult and it is still going to take small steps, fighting and bad days. But at the end of the day. THIS BITCH IS GOING DOWN. the end.

Now comes acceptance. Acceptance that I am female, with needs, emotions and wants. Acceptance that food isn't going to kill me. Food is only food. Food is good and nourishes my body and that's it. Food does not define who I am here and controlling my food intake when i feel like everything is out of control doesn't really do me any good. It only gets me in more trouble than anything. I can't hide behind walls to keep my untouchable and safe, because then nothing good can ever touch me at the same time.

xoxo -Lisa