In cognitive group today, we role played. One person played the eating disorder voice and the other played the healthy voice. What I and others realized is that the eating disorder side ( which I played once ) could not win, all the rational reasoning...ran in a circle. There was no concrete evidence to back up anything the eating disorder voice says. The healthy voice (which I also played once ) on the other hand keeps shooting out logical reasons why it's right. I saw how the eating disorder voice's arguments were just getting more and more child-like and ridiculous. This gives me hope that I can now realize the ridiculousness of some of the ED voices and thoughts. Saying them outloud... really do sound ridiculous. This gives me hope and makes me feel like I can break free...NOW let's step back in time by about 24 hours...
Yesterday was ruined for me because... ( since I've got no scales ) I found out at ACE I had gained...a tiny tiny amount of weight ( i don't even want to say bc it's so small it's ridiculous ) but it completely ruined my day. Amy SB and I then decided it would be best for me to be blind weighted until I reach my goal weight...so the number will not be something that I concentrate on, and definitely not something I NEED to concentrate on. I'm improving in every other aspect but this. I was so overwhelmed yesterday, I didn't want to go back to ACE. I felt as if I had recovered enough to function. I had no desire to go back because I felt like at the weight I am at, it's perfectly fine and healthy. I didn't want to gain anymore. I knew I wasn't 100% recovered but I felt as if I were good to go. I felt like I am able to function again...I didn't need ACE. I was going to be fine on my own. I was sick of ACE and therapy. Then a wonderful friend hit me on the head with a hammer and after talking with her and having her be frankly blunt w/me and a good night's sleep..i realized I needed to go back to ACE. I know i AM getting better because at the end of this month, I am allowed to drop 1/3rd of my groups. I can feel my thoughts changing and my behaviors changing but I still need the support of ACE. If i just upped and left right now I could easily relapse. I would be in a place where my ED voices and other thoughts would always be hovering over me ready to burst whenever I hit a rough patch. I still can't do it on my own. I still have to face the hardest internal issues.
The eating issue is still pretty difficult and it is still going to take small steps, fighting and bad days. But at the end of the day. THIS BITCH IS GOING DOWN. the end.
Now comes acceptance. Acceptance that I am female, with needs, emotions and wants. Acceptance that food isn't going to kill me. Food is only food. Food is good and nourishes my body and that's it. Food does not define who I am here and controlling my food intake when i feel like everything is out of control doesn't really do me any good. It only gets me in more trouble than anything. I can't hide behind walls to keep my untouchable and safe, because then nothing good can ever touch me at the same time.
xoxo -Lisa
reading this was really awesome after how i've been feeling about recovery.
ReplyDeletei'm so glad you had this revelation and i'm super happy for you!
<3 miss you.
Glad you've realized how illogical the ED voice is. And in case no one else has said it, reality check, you need to gain the weight. How much is something you can trust ASB about. But you are nowhere near overweight and will be so much healthier if you let yourself gain the weight. Keep working. I can definately relate to being sick of therapy, being at ACE but push through it. Being recovered enough to "function" means only one thing--that if you stop now you WILL relapse. Don't settle for anything other than complete recovery because you deserve it.
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