In an ordinary fairy tale land, there's a promise of a happy end...

I did something incredibly stupid. I went to Wal-Mart today to get a few things- practical things, cat food, folders, pens and cash so I could buy dumplings from this chinese place that only takes cash..so practical things to get at Wal-Mart. "walk in and out Lisa" is what I told myself

but...I somehow found myself in the section with the scales. and..thank you Wal-Mart for having test scales. I stepped on like 5 of them and I flipped in my head. I had the thoughts in my head that.. "okay restrict and other symptoms" you have to get this back down to where you want it. Don't go to the place and buy the dumplings. Just restrict and use symptoms this week. You're turning into a fat cow...

After about 30 minutes sitting in my car in the Wal-Mart parking lot- I decided..stop thinking about your damn weight. I am okay with how I look in the mirror, I have been working out and maybe gained muscle( not cardio...bc I'm still not allowed ) and it's also that time of the month so i could be bloated. But in all reality I was like 1/4th of a lb heavier than I was so it's really not a big deal,but it made my head flip...and seeing that written out makes me feel even more ridiculous.

then I had to just keep telling myself that restricting and using other symptoms is not going to get me anywhere...i'm finally going somewhere I cannot let this weight thing keep me stuck...i can't. i can't. but I have to keep repeating this to myself...over and over again...

I still believe the weight I was at was FINE. I am scared of gaining weight. FINE. I do have an eating disorder. UGH but I just...I really still think the weight I want to be at is fine. I don't like my weight now but I have to keep reminding myself...last time I weighed this was when I was 13-14...ALMOST A DECADE AGO- when you were a child. I am an adult now..so my weight is not fine..but...i have to keep repeating this to myself over and over again.

I did go to the chinese place and got dumplings. When I'm not at ACE i'm not eating anything w/nutritional value except protein bars. I need to start being healthy again too...I need to eat balanced meals when i'm not at ace except junk shit.

I at least learned my lesson- stay away from the scales.... I definitely know that now...

now I just need to keep repeating to myself something that I don't totally believe quite yet but I know is right.I debate in my head every minute about certain things. I can never settle on a concrete answer except I want to move on in life but then I wonder if I have to do everything everyone is telling me to do...because a LOT OF ME wants to go back to dealing with interpersonal shit the way I used to. This is too hard right now. A LOT of me wants to just pick up and RUN. FAST ( well literally and figuratively..) I wonder if I can live a good life going back to who I was when it came to interpersonal relations. I want the food fear to go away, I know that. But I want my wall back. Now i sit and debate .... on whether or not that is even an option for me right now.

1/3rd of eating disorder patients completely recover
1/3rd partially recover-enough to blend back into society
1/3rd carry it with them ... for ever
10% die

I'm scared that this cycle will never end and that I will get better and .. somewhere down the road, be it 5 years or 5 months down the road, I'll have some sort of relapse again. That is...one of my biggest fears..

xoxo -Lisa