4 days ago-I walked into Amy SB's office at ACE and Kilmer follows me in and then says in a very "carefully worded" way that I was officially pulled from groups and that I was to continue individual with Amy and nutrition with Eileen...Amy is my case worker- we discuss what happens in groups so if I'm pulled from groups...what am I paying Amy $150/hr for that Nancy M can't do? I really do miss Amy SB A LOT, she was my favorite at ACE.
4 days ago- I applied for the optometric technician/optical assistant job at the Atlanta Optical Vision center.
3 days ago- I got offered an interview
yesterday- I went to the interview
this morning- I got a call saying that they wanted to hire me and what I thought.
IN 4 days I went from intensive therapy 4 days a week for 6 hours a day ( 24 hour /week ) to ...individual therapy for 2 hours a week and being offered an adult job that has NOTHING to do with mental health for 30+ hours a week.I FEEL LIKE MY LIFE FLIPPED DRASTICALLY in less than 5 days.
I know I'm not recovered. I know I'm not eating disordered free. I know my thoughts are not what the "normal" person's are. I know I am still in need of therapy. I'm done with group therapy for now. I'm done with treatment centers.
BUT...
I'm ready to start living an adult life ( semi - adult ). I'm quite excited-- gonna have to at least dress and pretend to be an adult ( the clothes excite me a bit too much haha ). I've got to dress like a young professional ( ie- yuppie ) everyday. I hope the job goes well. I am glad it's not just a receptionist job- which are most of the jobs I applied for. I applied mostly for jobs that were far lower than my resume qualified me for- but one of my big things is I don't want to overwhelm myself. I also don't want to bore the shit out of myself either- I do want to feel like I am actually doing something.
Now- for the issue...where the fuck did my hunger cues go? I had them sometimes while I was at ACE. Do I need that dumb wooden table in that room to have hunger cues? I just seem to be freaking thirsty ALL the time. I have not thought "I'm hungry, I should eat" in quite a while. I do eat mechanically when I remember to or when I crave something sweet or shitty for me - but then I feel guilty for eating it.. go me. I do definitely have "I'm too full ugh " cues...I guess this is why Nancy NM said that me continuing to see her twice a week was just as important as finding a job. I did mention that I want to work 30-40 hours a week... I still rarely taste my food. I'm trying not to critique everything about my body.
I'm glad my life is finally starting- at least I feel like it...I'm scared I'm mistaken. This could just be another "fake..." and I relapse again. I hope not though. I really don't feel like that will happen....I just really need to learn to eat more mechanically and not...pick at my food. It's at these moments...that I know I have eating issues but I don't think they need to be directly addressed...and hopefully will just fade as I grow.
NOW- time to start life.
xoxo -Lisa
I know I'm not recovered. I know I'm not eating disordered free. I know my thoughts are not what the "normal" person's are. I know I am still in need of therapy. I'm done with group therapy for now. I'm done with treatment centers.
BUT...
I'm ready to start living an adult life ( semi - adult ). I'm quite excited-- gonna have to at least dress and pretend to be an adult ( the clothes excite me a bit too much haha ). I've got to dress like a young professional ( ie- yuppie ) everyday. I hope the job goes well. I am glad it's not just a receptionist job- which are most of the jobs I applied for. I applied mostly for jobs that were far lower than my resume qualified me for- but one of my big things is I don't want to overwhelm myself. I also don't want to bore the shit out of myself either- I do want to feel like I am actually doing something.
Now- for the issue...where the fuck did my hunger cues go? I had them sometimes while I was at ACE. Do I need that dumb wooden table in that room to have hunger cues? I just seem to be freaking thirsty ALL the time. I have not thought "I'm hungry, I should eat" in quite a while. I do eat mechanically when I remember to or when I crave something sweet or shitty for me - but then I feel guilty for eating it.. go me. I do definitely have "I'm too full ugh " cues...I guess this is why Nancy NM said that me continuing to see her twice a week was just as important as finding a job. I did mention that I want to work 30-40 hours a week... I still rarely taste my food. I'm trying not to critique everything about my body.
I'm glad my life is finally starting- at least I feel like it...I'm scared I'm mistaken. This could just be another "fake..." and I relapse again. I hope not though. I really don't feel like that will happen....I just really need to learn to eat more mechanically and not...pick at my food. It's at these moments...that I know I have eating issues but I don't think they need to be directly addressed...and hopefully will just fade as I grow.
NOW- time to start life.
xoxo -Lisa
You are ready for this. Of course, things need time for adjustment. But you've got amazing friends who will help you get there. You are strong and can do anything you set your mind to.
ReplyDeleteYAYAYAYA!! this is so exciting!! don't get nervous about what you term "fakes", you always learn from them and pull yourself up and do even better. keep taking things slow and easy -- you got this!! think positively: you know what you need to do to stay on the recovery track, AND you've already achieved a goal you really wanted in a really short period of time. i'll go shopping with you!! :)
ReplyDeleteYAY CLOTHES! :)
ReplyDeleteso proud of you!
it doesn't have to be a fake if you don't let it. and you're strong. just use the amazing support you have around you when you need it. <3