"It's called life and you just have to deal"

"Dreams aren't perfect, they come true, not free" -Joey Potter -Dawson's Creek
Yes, I realize I did just quote Dawsons Creek.

When I was 16,  watching Dawson's Creek helped me through some really difficult times. It's odd for me to remember that a tv show helped me feel more validated for my moments of teen angst. It was my therapy. Too bad the show was a complete soap opera.

Now 6 years later, I'm 22 and I'm watching series finale again. I found the dvd for $3 and there was no way I could turn down such a nostalgic memory for so cheap. In the show, the characters were in high school and then college or whatever life happens after graduating high school. In the finale, they're young adults still having moments of angst but adult angst. Angst never goes away- it's how I handle it or choose to deal with it.
"You're constantly getting into these situations where you jump in with your heart and jump out with your head. Your head and heart have just been in constant conflict." 


Alex and I joke a lot that our lives are a joke, that the irony of so much that happens just isn't real. "someday, someone's going to jump out and yell surprise, you're on candid camera"- Alex to me.  So much of my life seems to be unreal to me right now. I feel like I just came out of a coma, or released from jail. It seems like a soap opera, everything comes so unexpectedly for me. Is it me or is it just life?

I can't help but still have thoughts that I know are unhealthy. But, I am well aware of it all and I am trying. I've been lucky enough to FEEL GOOD ( probably due to my nice correct mix of psycho-meds that my psych has me on haha ), HAVE GOTTEN A JOB SO QUICKLY and HAVE AMAZING FRENDS still sitting by me. I CANNOT SCREW UP THIS TIME. As Nancy and I discussed today, neither her or I want me to end up back in intensive.  That is screwing up to me. I can't let something like behavioral and emotional troubles to take over my life. I need make this work. I've got the odds in my favor and I just need to remember what I NEED TO DO FOR ME THAT IS GOOD FOR MY FUTURE in the long run. I need to remember what is important in my life, what is temporary and capable of changing. I need to remember to be patient. I need to know where to put my energy. 

" When you find that love, wherever you find it, whoever you choose, don't run away from it...but you don't have to chase after it either. You just be patient, and it'll come to you, I promise, and when you least expect it"

I have to take this job seriously- I can't just slum through like I did with most of school. I made it through without taking it as seriously as I should. Most of college and high school was just me scrambling to fix my screw ups so that I could graduate with what I planned to.

"The only decision left is the one that I need to make with myself, to stop running once and for all...I mean I know who I'm supposed to be with, I've always known. But, then the fear takes over: the free floating anxiety ridden fear in the pit of my stomach that makes me run. I am completely comfortable with running, I really don't know any other way."


My treatment plan is different- it's much more similar to what it was at the end of the school year. I told Nancy M that I needed to take things slow- I feel as if I have been over-theraperized and a bit traumatized. I'm still trying to realize that it was literally one week ago that I was walking out of emotions group right now

I CANNOT screw up this time. I had dreams as a child- I can't remember them- but I had dreams and I feel like... when I had them, they symbolized the perfect life. I really have realized that dreams aren't perfect...but I still do have them. They are just more realistic now. More mature, less dramatic and more of what I NEED for me to be what I truly think is successful

"it's not about getting it right. It's about knowing when something's wrong and doing something about it"


..........


xoxo -Lisa