I'm proud of me today

Okay, so I woke up PERFECTLY FINE. seriously. But as the night went on my emotions somehow decided to kick in. fuck you therapy for making me vulnerable.

i realized I hadn't eaten much all day...( okay...or anything ) mostly just out of forgetfullness- i was not trying to restrict- i was just busy doing other things/thinking about other things...and honestly, I wanted NOTHING BUT JUNK SHIT BINGE FOOD. Nothing but that, but I knew I am not able to yet handle my binge food without purging. I've come so far since using food to get me blazed out of my emotions...I wasn't about to go back due to some unexpected emotions....and confusion. So, I didn't and haven't and won't. I won't go back to using binge food and purging or restricting. I said I was done and I am doing my best TO be done.

A friend asked me if I had any good memories related to food. If I ever had any, I've done a great job at ruining all of them. Because pretty much all food makes me think of the bathroom floor and a toilet and my head halfway in it...no joke.

Nancy M called because I emailed her with a simple sentence last night keeping her up to date. I was fine when she called. She seemed surprised but also skeptical. Mostly, skeptical. Fuck. I have to see her tomorrow and if I end up loosing it again- I'm going to be embarrassed as shit bc I feel like this is all very immature of me, but I've processed and thought this through myself. I really think I'm good now...

Okay, lie. I won't be good...for a while at least...I'll be fine and I understand and know that I'll be perfectly fine. I have to accept the fact that yes, my emotions will .... ugh...be ... i donno... here?

agh. faaauck.

life happens. that's all. no more symptom usage :) I"m slowly becoming free of that.....as hard as that is. At least that is something to be proud of.

Now if I could only be free from negative emotions...

xoxo -Lisa