Thank YOU

I seriously sometimes really want to live in a bubble...with my kittens ( yes, cat lady joke hah ) but i get so sick of interpersonal struggles sometimes, it's just so much easier to have none. Not saying I don't love and my friends and appreciate my support system because I have a more than amazing support system even when I push/pull at them and make ridiculous hysterical phone calls...like a pyscho....or not pick up my phone for weeks on end...after speaking w/a friend who is friends with someone else with an ED, I've realized how much of an impact my ED has on those around me tooo and I feel horrendously guilty... another reason a break from the entire world would be great-- those around me would get a break as well.

Yes, I am getting the thumbs up from my entire treatment team that so far I won't have to go to residential and I'm improving...but I also feel so tired from trying so damn hard. I'm doing what I need to. I'm adding the groups and taking notes like I need to, I think I'm finally going in the right direction with the meds to help w/my emotional mood rollercoasters and anxiety...but IMPROVING MAKES ME EXHAUSTED and more mindful of all my mistakes. But honestly, each day seems to get more and more tiring when it comes to questions and the digging. I only get out of bed because I know I'll never get anywhere in treatment if I don't. I know I have responsibilities, I have a desire to recovery....but I AM SO DRAINED.

I can't be who some people want me to be. I need some things that some people can't give me and I don't blame them. I can't and DON'T put all my eggs in one basket-- I hate relying on ANYONE. I feel horrible letting it out to anyone...i'd rather keep it all in and just suffer alone, be self sustainable and just FIX THIS SHIT MYSELF. I don't want anyone to see my weaknesses or struggles. The pain is almost impossible to hide at this point. I can't always have a smile and content look on my face like some of the others I see who are also suffering. I'm too exhausted to do that. I used to be able to do that, but it's been months at ACE and I'm in a constant state of lethargy...emotionally. At this moment -- i want nothing more than a hug from a certain person--but I know that literally will not happen. So admitting that I want it is even painful. ...don't judge me.

In my head though I WANT TO WANT NOTHING. I WANT MY BRAIN AND HEART TO JUST NUMB. I WANT TO SPEND THIS WEEKEND IN MY BED DOING NOTHING BUT READING/WATCHING TV/PETTING MY CATS AND ... NOT MOVING. I DO NOT WANT TO THINK OR BE A PERSON. I WANT TO BE... a hermit.  it's so much easier...but also a great way to lose friends and support. so ugh. I can't do that. I can't keep cutting people off randomly when I want to. If I express the need of stability from others, it's too hypocritical for me not to at least try. I'm on the brink of just stepping back into a huge relapse but I know there is too much at stake. The sole reason i'm doing the right things right now is not to disappoint NM, Amy and those around me ( it'd break my heart if I know I didn't try my hardest when they are doing all they can to help me ) and the fear of residential and not wanting to go. THESE LAST TWO NIGHTS HAVE INVOLVED SYMPTOMS I HAVE NOT USED IN QUITE A LONG TIME ( FUCK ME ) and an odd craving for sweets. I'm really thinking it's a change in my meds. something needs to change. it's going in the right direction but I CANNOT keep up these symptoms. It's only going to fuck me over. If i had to pick one symptom over the other, I'd rather restrict that b/p. For some reason i feel like b/p is complete loss of control. i'd rather just have no appetite.

My head is back into the eating disorder voice. It's harder than it's ever been, I mean I'm doing the right motions- i'm shoveling the food into my mouth- not tasting it though- i don't want it so it's not appealing. My body is in no way in danger but i'm just so tired of fighting. Why can't my brian shut the fuck up. JUST SHUT UP.   It's rare that I truly trust someone...and of course I'm always going to have moments of anxiety provoking insecurity attacks but I feel awkwardly and undeservingly appreciative of the wonderful support I have around me here . I also can't understand why some people are still sticking w/me through this giant shit hole of a mess when i've caused them pain, struggle and I'm sure at times i've been a burden. I've warned them- I'm not an easy one. I feel like I've been pinky promised almost that they won't leave and are here to support me.I don't understand why anyone would want to support a psycho chick. I don't think I'm offering much in return. I don't have the energy to offer anything except... a thank you. And I truly thank everyone that is still in this w/me.

xoxo -Lisa

the answer is...

i really really just don't know. i just don't know. 
xoxo -Lisa

xoxo -Lisa

Self Esteem

needs to be from within myself, about my accomplishments, achievements, personality, etc...and that is so so important. I can't find it in me. Realizing today in group when I actually thought about it in my head...made me realize why my self esteem comes from wanting to be "miss independent". Then I realized where my self esteem has been coming from in the past few years and now it makes sense as to why I have little to none and very unstable self esteem... which brings up a circular argument...i have very unstable self esteem so i can't understand how my actions could possibly affect another person ( markedly male -thus why it's so hard to believe males have feelings...) but then if my actions don't affect them, I am hurt and my self esteem goes down. But I really never believe I really did affect them even if they told me I did because I have such horrid trust issues going on. It's not black and white. So, my self esteem stems from something much more black and white but very unstable and ridiculous. I can't see myself in the same way others do. I can't understand how any person of a specific gender can be affected by me. I don't see myself as actually ever being ... a memorable person.

i'm feeling......aggravated with myself bc I just don't care about the right things for myself. I place it mostly on something so unstable and ridiculous...no wonder my life is a roller-coaster. I play w/fire. "keep my hand in the fire, sooner or later I'll get what I'm asking for" which makes me feel even worse. I really truly want no emotions at this moment in time, no drama, nothing. I just want nothing. I want to be in a world where there is nothing. NOTHING to affect me. I don't want to be affected in any way by anybody. positively or negatively. I just want to live in a bubble right now where no one affects me and I don't affect anyone else. And on the verge of sounding like a cat lady, I want my kittens in my bubble but that's it.

I'm starting to feel like I have so much to work on within myself I almost need to be in this bubble away from others because I can't tell what's good for me and what's not right now. I just can't. I honestly don't know my emotions very well. When I say I don't know, i usually mean...I DO NOT KNOW. Here's the honest to god truth- i want to cut every single person out of my life so I can work on myself. I want it to just be me, my kittens and tv shows to keep me entertained. I don't want relationships with people, even therapists. I just want to learn how to love myself. But I can't just cut ties with everyone I know and crawl into this ever so enticing hole I want to fall into.... that's not how one is supposed to learn to love themselves- but the more and longer I'm in therapy, the more I realize about myself and the more I realize how so many of my coping skills were just....SO WRONG. . AGH. fuck me. hahaha. the irony.

xoxo -Lisa

The story- it's long..

The girl in these pictures... are me. DUH. The one on the right was 2 years ago, the one on the left was 1 year ago- both in the winter. I can barely associate myself with them. I have not only changed physically but emotionally I have no idea where I was or what I was doing.  I know in the picture of the left, for the majority of the evening I was thinking fat fat fat. And the picture on the right was during finals junior year and I was so busy with studying and trying to get in some sleep--i never ate, I got caught in the slippery slope of restricting. It looks like I'm having fun in both these pictures and I WAS. I had a good time at the Carolina's bday party and a great time...doing whatever the hell it is alex and I are doing...but I am now well aware of what a facade and manipulation to myself those both were. I didn't think or react to outside stimuli. In fact, I refused to react with emotions.. In the picture on the left I was more aware and blocked more out consciously. I restricted my emotions, not my food.. at that point. I was midway into falling into my ED though w/purging.  I consciously chose to try not to think. In both these pictures I was not horridly deep into one of my cycles of ED. Although in both these pictures I was in the cycle. I can't say I can think of any time I wasn't engaging in some sort of symptoms even if they were very subtle. But I was ignorant enough and able to restrict my emotions enough at times to just have fun but the emotions had to go somewhere. I was pretty much an empty shell with a pathetic attempt to look put together that knew organic chemistry ( yeah bullshit, pretended to know organic chemistry ), sociology shit and other stuff. No emotions usually. And then the almost scheduled panic emotion attack to let out a flood of emotions then I had to stop it and pretend it never happened and move on. It was a nice cycle I had going for quite a few years.

Then I crashed. hard. It wasn't a schedule panic attack that quickly got buried, it became physiological as well. I fell deep into my eating disorder. Both b/p and restricting. I had constant headaches--which I actually did not associate with my symptom usage.... My anxiety had taken it's last toll on me. I was literally failing classes bc I couldn't function or think. I was making decisions of blacking out so I wouldn't have to wake up bc all I would do when i was awake was b/p. That's when I finally dragged my ass down to student health and begged to see my psychiatrist whom I had seen earlier in the year ( about the time that the above picture on the left was taken ). At that time, when i saw him, I was a bit aware of the fact that something was not right...but when he told me I should be on prozac and I had bulimia. I told him he was full of shit and left... Then I crawled back...after business hours begging the secretary to see him. And he took me, he saw me after his last scheduled patient. I crawled into his office bawling. I seriously didn't think i was going to make it to the stereotypical couch that every shrink has. But also due to ignorance, I thought seeing a psychiatrist would just make everything dandy and better again. NO NO NO NO "it gets worse before it gets better".  but I couldn't take where I was anymore. I had to go somewhere else. I had to.

and HELL YES did it get worse. I don't know how I managed to graduate. I truly don't. My last month at Emory was nothing but pure obsession, restricting, excercising and studying when my brain functioned which wasn't very often. But I was loosing weight. I was for the first time starting to feel decent about my body. The closest picture I can find around that time is this one-- .. I was happy with my body but ironically was holed up in my room most of the time, obsessing, hating, confused and watching the food network. My social life went down the drain. I flushed it down the drain because ED replaced it. Ironically I was somewhat pleased with how I looked but I rarely let anyone see me and the body I was working for..and using restricting to regulate my emotions. I remember anytime I felt an emotion that I was worried would spiral, I'd immediately go use symptoms to numb. It wasn't even a second thought. if i felt like i was about to be hurt, I immediately went for a 5 mile run--even if i had a final in a few hours. I was always in gym clothes. My life revolved around studying (when possible ), the gym and restricting food and emotions.

Finally I agreed to go see a therapist after my shrink had suggested/pushed me to do it about 10000 x. It helped quite a bit, of course, but then I went home. shit hit the fan. The bulimia relapsed on top of the obsession with restricting and overexercising. I couldn't handle home. I'm pretty sure my body was screaming for help. I was using every symptom in the freaking book that week. I came back to Atlanta 20x worse than how I left. My psychiatrist was quite shocked actually as I didn't really talk about my family ....ever. So, with things getting even worse and it being summer--> more free time...the symptoms got worse. The b/p turned into an addiction, a painful one I couldn't stop on my own. Finally, I got an ultimatum- either an inpatient program or ACE...I chose ACE( Atlanta Center for Eating Disorders ) bc it was partial hospitalization program and not inpatient. yes, I had to live at the house that ACE owned across the street but I refused to go inpatient. ACE helped a lot...at one point I was symptom free, semi-realizing I needed to process emotions instead of running or purging them away and was decently okay with my weight. I was progressing-sypmtom wise.

Emotionally, I was all over the place. Realizing how "sensitive" I was to emotions - not only mine but those around me- turned me into a walking train wreck. I had to deal with years of pent up anger, fear, blah blah blah, i still have a small emotional vocabulary- i tend to just make weird animal noises now.... but it was a god damn rollercoaster and I remember thinking "I thought ED was bad...this is 10x worse". I want my ED back- emotions are not worth it. I didn't truly mean it though, well probably 20% of me did but the majority just wanted this whole nightmare to end. I wanted/needed to fucking WAKE UP. I couldn't go to graduate school, even though I had been accepted, I couldn't hold any job I got hired for.  I was truly non-functional.

Therapy had to be a full time thing. I had to focus entirely on me because at that point, I had torn down my walls to myself and was lost as shit, need the professional guidance and grad school and or the job both made me cut down tons on groups and therapy. I found myself blacking out, panicking and basically loosing it. So...I quit it all. I quit trying to be who I wanted to be bc of my age and degree. That helped...massively...accepting that.. I need this right now and obviously these other options which I thought would help my self esteem only made me fly downhill emotionally.

Then I had to leave my psychiatrist who I probably had (have) an unhealthy attachment to bc I attribute him to hitting me over the head w/a hammer and saving my life. I wasn't ready for the flood of emotions that come with.... leaving someone you .... trusted and allowed into my life. I had always refused to acknowledge those emotions- i ran them off- or made up excuses- blamed it on me- just never dealth w/it . I had always repressed them to a degree that I could handle. Except this time, I didn't....I lost it. I completely lost it and what a great opportunity for ED to jump back into my life and take over. Symptoms started popping up...I fell down the slippery slope...way tooo quickly. Now i'm still trying to dig my way out....both emotionally now and symptom wise. I do feel some progress with my changes in medication...and now that i've upped my individual therapy and ACE has me on a threatened contract. FEAR is a great motivator...at least a good one to start with. So...from 2 winters ago to now... i'm still Lisa. I'm still the same person, yes I look different, yes I act different, yes I am rationally still the same person but in about 1000 ways I am different. I still haven't met myself yet.

NOW...i'm doing my best to not completely purge my social life down the drain when I hit a hard spot but it's hard to keep up with the real world. I try, this is blog my one of my best efforts to let people in because I only see  people at ACE and a few select friends ...even though I want to see more people.... I still do find myself purging some of my social life down the toilet. I can't put on the happy mask anymore. I can't be who I WAS and it's embarassing to show that to people- to let them know I'm human and not put together.

I can have fun when I'm in the right place with the right person, I can joke, I can BE HAPPY. I CAN. I CAN LAUGH.I CAN LIVE. I CAN LOVE( well...maybe i'm not there yet )  but I no longer know how to manipulate it to myself anymore. I can't just let shit happen and purge/run it away. I have to process it now....

So...this means...that...I am working towards reacting to outside stimuli in an appropriate emotional way. In other words= I'm learning how to be human. I'm still quite... unclear about how i feel about this...recovery still scares me. I'm scared I'm going to turn into the stereotypical emotional chick that everyone is annoyed by when I've made such a conscious effort for years to not be that person. Now I am going to drink an ensure so that... I can meet my goal that I am not 100% sure I want to meet. lovely.

xoxo -Lisa

Sometimes...

i really just want to turn off my cell phone for 1 week or at least make it so my phone doesn't take incoming calls. I need a break. I want to make the decisions of when I talk to others. TOO BAD NO RELATIONSHIP WORKS THAT WAY. two way street. too bad I have friends i actually truly want to keep so I'm not going to flush my cell phone down the toilet. I'm glad I have these friends but at the same time I wish I were ignorant or bitchy/dumb/selfish enough to not realize all relationships are two way streets and I could just talk to others WHEN i want to and CRAWL into a hole WHEN i want to.


Sometimes I wish I could truly disappear for a week or so without it affecting others.

i just don't know

I think my idle emotion (thanks mindfullness ) is confusion. When i sit and stare and just think and not have outside stimulus being shot at me- I just feel confused. Sometimes when i say I don't know...don't know what? I don't know, i just don't know.

I had a passive, almost serene, drama free, actually dare I say pretty positive weekend.My eating disorder didn't really play a huge part in my weekend. i didn't feel as if I was having an active battle- I wasn't feeling horrible guilty for eating or even drinking the goddamn ensures. No intense battles w/my eating disorder--he was quiet--as quiet as he's been for a while. "I need a boost to ensure success"- Katie . Still love that quote.

but now...A lot more ED thoughts are in my head. A lot more hesitant/ (conscious of it) to eat. Everything seems to taste the same. I have to fight to eat because i know i have to- not bc food seems appetizing. I look at my food journal and feel pathetic...so I know I need to change and having to fight this particular battle tonight...is just so stressful and draining. i feel like I have a constant chain tied to me but instead of a chain it's my ED. I just feel very very weighed down- no pun intended...heh... I feel no hunger or appetite to eat anything, not even my old binge food but I know I need to eat for numerous reasons, but at this moment it's so I don't get sent away and I don't disappoint the professionals that I believe care about me. I don't want to have my individual see my food journal or weigh me and then get lectured. I don't want to feel like I failed. So...logically--> eat so you don't disappoint those you desperately don't want. So, yes I ate a dinner. But now I'm sitting here tting feeling horribly sick with the food in my stomach. Not sure if I won the battle or lost it. I know even what I did eat would not fly at ACE. Feeling full stresses me out.

 I had someone ask me the other day how I went from bulimia to restricting....I know the flow of what happened but I know I didn't do it completely consciously. I just know I wasn't having symptoms for a week or two this summer and I was wondering how/why they just kind of disappeared, I have a hypothesis but I can't admit it , not yet anyway. But then, I had a switch in my treatment team and the bulimia didn't come back ( well i had the very rare, occasional b/p ) but mostly I just didn't want the feeing of food in my stomach--- so I purged most of my food--then I got the message quite clear from my treatment team-- to stop purging. Somewhere along that line-  I lost my appetite ( could be a medication change too actually ) and did not actively restrict. I just forgot. When I don't crave anything or want anything, I don't think about it---> thus, I forgot a lot of times that I had to eat more. Then somewhere along that horrible slippery slope...my weight got noticed by my treatment team and now I find myself fighting, still have no appetite. Nothing sounds appealing. NOTHING. But now I'm also having a hard time just eating- i know that' not appetite related, it's part of me restricting to a degree... now it's an active battle. I just want to disappear because I really don't want to fight this anymore. I don't want this battle to affect those I like having close around me. It's embarrassing to be sitting with a friend watching a movie and drinking an ensure. I'm sure it makes for some awkwardness. it's difficult to see a friend suffer and hear her call herself fat because she's at least partially comparing to me. it's difficult to see another friend struggle w/the same battle I am. i know the fact that I'm having the same problem and can't find a damn solution....isn't helping her.

i just wish ED would go away. Although I do truly ask myself if my ED got worse because it is easier to deal with than the underlying interpersonal relations issues and that was the stuff that started to get throw in my face around the time my ED started acting up...along with leaving Dr. Moore. I still miss him. SO MUCH. IT'S RIDICULOUS. Emotions like this don't happen when interpersonal relations aren't made. Logically, it seems like life would be so much more serene alone...too bad it doesn't work like that...

Today is going to be good. PERIOD.

I SLEPT 8 hours..ish!! or the first time in almost forever, I slept 8 hours and I don't feel like shit when I woke up!!! Today's going to be good. Super super excited for the girls to come over and hopefully I'll have a good night.  Did I mention: My thought for today is I don't care what happens on the outside for me, I'm going to have a good day. GODDAMMIT. I'm going to have a good day :). End of story

ps- I wish I had never quit gymnastics.

verbal beatdown-disrespect

without a doubt...in my mind I think I would win most verbal beatdowns. no, i'm almost sure I would. I CAN VOICE MYSELF QUITE CLEARLY when I GET PISSED OFF AND DISRESPECTED. i will let the person know very bluntly. Yes, at ACE I am learning to do it respectfully instead of immediately acting out and flipping my shit when I get upset or just shutting down completely and crawling into a hole. It's part of my awesome contract

BUT THIS WEEK HAS BEEN THE HARDEST  WEEK OF MY RECOVERY ( worst that the first week I started at ACE ) by hardest I mean most challenging.  It's been a ridiculous challenge due to a new patient at ACE- that I'm not sure if I'm making progress or if I'm slipping because of it. I know my weight has been slipping but my acting out may have been improving.( i hope and I've been told by a few therapists...*keep your fingers crossed* ) He has been very disrespectful to me-- I have NEVER had someone speak to me with such disrespect where I have not been able to say what I want to just say....or lash out long enough for me to feel satisfied and calm. I have been doing my best at not acting out and not just being impulsive with my anger.

I have seen him overstep people ( and mine )'s ( who i care deeply about ) emotional boundaries and limits and does not know WHEN THE SHUT THE FUCK UP. I will say my opinion and lately I've been making sure that what I say is said respectfully and that I am not speaking impulsively- think before I speak.  

I NEED A GOD DAMN PUNCHING BAG. The fact that my recovery may be hindered by a douchebag is pissing me off. I'm not the only one at ACE that thinks that either. 

my anxiety towards not being able to let out all of my anger/ frustration on this person who is hindering my recover is making me need a punching bag or some giant giant pillows.

YANO WHAT- FUCK HIM. I'm not going to let him ruin my weekend until I have to see him Tuesday.

i'm going to have a good weekend. I'm making sure of that. I will wake up on the right side of the bed this weekend and it will be a good one. I won't have to see or deal with douchebag. I get to see someone I really enjoy spending time with tomorrow night, I get to hang out w/some awesome girls Saturday and I think I'm seeing a great friend of mine from Emory on Sunday.

I WILL NOT HAVE AN EMOTIONALLY DRAINING WEEKEND. I'm just going to have fun. I'm not going to doubt words, drain other people, trust. I AM JUST GOING TO HAVE FUN GODDAMIT. I'm not going to worry too much about my eating disorder and just try and concentrate on less serious things just for the weekend and HAVE SOME GOD DAMN FUN. 

I'm fighting and I WISH I COULD BE HEARD

Why am I not recovering 100% out of desire? What am I so scared of? I used my eating disorder to regulate my emotions AROUND OTHERS. I never wanted to seem dramatic, needy, or emotionally draining. I used my eating disorder to try and make sure that those characteristics that I do have in moments of weakness didn't show to the people I didn't want to see those things.  I'm scared shitless....that recovery will turn me into this emotional soul sucking needy, dramatic girl that is nothing but exhausting. I would hate myself if I were that girl to someone...and I hope to dear god I'm catching myself in time. I've been told I either push people completely away or ...i'm like the soul sucking dementors from Harry Potter and it's true. I am learning how to find the middle. 

I AM TRYING and IT IS SO FRUSTRATING.

I am fighting to not use my eating disorder to regulate how I appear to others emotionally as I fear I'm veering the wrong direction. I'm scared  I will be seen as all the things I don't want to be.  how some people now see me or think of me... it's not me...i'm a work in progress...I don't know who I am yet...not emotionally draining i should hope ... and that in and of itself is making me want to stop fighting this so I don't give off the image of the stereotypical crazy woman. NO... learn healthy ways to not appear crazy that don't involve restricting.

i feel like everyone is so wrapped up in everything (including myself) that no one can possibly have time for anyone else. No guilt on anyone at all- it's just life. Life happens. SIMPLE AS THAT.  I've lost touch with many friends from last year because we're in such different places in our lives. It's not anyone's fault but mine that I'm feeling alone. --i'm starting to crawl into a hole again . i've lost the energy to really talk to someone---. I feel the people that I don't have to have energy around right now and I can truly get out my intense frustration to are the people who are going through this hell with me but they are frustrated, tired and exhausted too,  I know people care, people are good but everyone, including me has limits. even on myself. I think i'm close to reaching mine with myself.  I wish others could read my mind. I don't have the energy to self express right now ( funny how I just dropped self expression group ) and I wish those I want stability from  would just know and come to me. But that is in no way fair. I need to speak to be heard. I don't the energy to do any more asking or speaking. I feel done. I know I'm not. I can't be, there's a LONG way to go. A LOT more asking will have to be done but I'm so exhausted.
I wish sometimes people could look at me and see the frustration. See that I WANT THEM even when i'm doing nothing that shows that or doing anything right. I know that's not fair

Too bad people aren't mind readers. would make my life easier. too bad wishing doesn't do anything. I'm so tired. I'm going to keep working but I'm so fucking tired. SO FUCKING TIRED and sometimes I just wish people could see it, accept it and me as I am now. I WISH didn't have to always verbalize it or hide it.  

THIS POST IS ME SCREAMING TO PLEASE BE HEARD. I WON'T DENY THAT, i am screaming out for attention to be heard. I have a need and it's not getting met. I may be screaming at myself to meet this need, who knows. but i don't think i can do much more emotionally right now.

personal relations

I took me a long time to realize how much people can help me. People hurt people, people break hearts, people fall in love, people make each other's day, people disappoint others, people give others hope. PEOPLE AFFECT PEOPLE. and it's not always a bad thing....there is a lesson learned in all of these. people need other people. people can give others freedom and peace. people can teach others to let go of certain things.

I'm learning through my great support system that they are helping me learn to trust, they stick around and I know I am not that easy to be around at times. I am actively working on-not pushing/questioning things so incredibly intensely and pushing them into corners .

My support system is also human and sometimes outside circumstances disappoint me. In the immediate moment, I question their authenticity but then I realize, what is the point? I'm only throwing myself into a boxed prison. I need to realize that same people that can disappoint me can give me hope that one day I will be able to have healthy anxiety when it comes to people relations.

I still find it amazing how many positives and negatives can come out of personal relations. freedom. disappointment. hurt, trust, love. too many things. too many. it's overwhelming sometimes to me since it's so very new to me. too much reality.

Even with these great things those around me can do. Sometimes I just want a blanket, book, music and my kittens. My blanket is always soft and comfortable. The book is stable, the words will never change and I just love my kittens. What the blanket, book and my kittens can do for me ( help me feel grounded and stable ), people can do for me too...at certain times. they can offer me the freedom and trust I want so badly. They can help me LEARN how to help calm myself down I know they can't do it all.  Recovery is ME. ME trusting others to help me learn but still ME.

Each step that someone takes really does leave a mark somewhere....something does follow our footsteps and words.

So much all over the place...

There's just so much going on all over the place. I can't handle it. I mean, yes I can. I'm not just saying that for self talk. It's just my ambivalence and ability to trust my own ability showing through. I really do think I can do it but at the same time I'm slightly doubtful and hurting myself through the self doubt...

I feel like I've lost so much in the past 3 months but also gained so much but it's not able to be quantified like I'm used to, it's not like school or a sport. I feel almost like I've forgotten myself. it's like forgetting the words to my favorite childhood song which ironically I don't think I had one. I've covered myself up in this armor/ put up a wall when I feel unsafe ( which is most of the time ) but I'm coming to think that having this wall up as a necessity is so far from the truth and freedom. But at the same time, I truly just want to curl up into a ball and be left alone behind my wall

BUT...

I want to take the risk and enjoy certain things in life I've haven't allowed myself to enjoy because I'm too careful to not get hurt. I want to take that risk. In fact I either JUMP right into the risk or THROW UP A GIANT WALL. Why can't I just step a foot in, try it out and see where it goes. Why can't I just see where things go. When did things turn  so black and white to me? Why have I run for the trainwreck and not even attempt to stop it in the past? I I want to test the waters, live in the present and stop trying to see a trainwreck if there may not be one and if I do see it, I'm going to try and stop it if I see it worth it. I'm going to keep up a wall, but not such a unbreakable one....and one with a door. granted I need a giant bouncer ( someone in with me on it- using my support system ) at the door to okay who is okay to come in...but at least now there's a door. baby steps.

I was told by Amy today that I was making progress in group!!  I had my last self expression group because I really felt like I wasn't getting much out of it. I have different self expression problems that most of the other girls. I express....just sometimes too much, push people into corners. I need a better filter.

speaking of filter- dude.....i don't take well to new people easily at ACE, let's just put that out there simply. especially new people in groups who talk forever and have just as strong as a personality as I do....

my ED is kicking in way too strongly again. Trying to control my anxiety correlates too much with food. Trying to kick both at the same time is freakishly hard. But I know with my contract, I can't just control my anxiety, I also can't lose any more weight. I feel like I'm in a catch 22 when I'm really not. Like i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place...I feel like i have to lose weight to control my anxiety...but I know that is NOT true.....i want to scream out of frustration. I almost feel like I can control my anxiety a little bit better than my ed. I feel like my eating disorder has a complete mind of it's own--and I really really want to punch him in the face but yet I'm listening to him at times. I AM SO AM-FUCKING-BIVALENT it's frustrating. ugh.

progress. gotta keep making it. I'm down to 3 weeks. i think i can make it.

o and amy did not really mention much about the frantic phone call last night, so ACE hasn't really "punished me". The feedback I got form Amy and Nancy M is that it seemed like good progress...so...yeah...hopefully it was

...i was able to be calmed down

without drugs or talking to one of my therapists. I have an AMAZING friend who can really help ( and I KNOW a great support system beyond just her ) . But what is important is that I was triggered into an anxiety/panic attack by insurance details and money issues which I have always been sensitive to.

My parents are supporting me in all of this treatment which by no means is cheap. I was worried that the cost of treatment is compromising my little sister's future and the rest of my family. I was in a legitimate panic. I didn't feel like I was worth all the money that's being put into my recovery

BUT I was able to calm down. I am no longer panicking or feeling extreme anxiety. Believe it or not, I'm feeling CALM. peaceful. I feel a 180 from where I was one hour ago. How did I do this? I'm sitting here processing it so I can have something to pull on if this ever happens again.

I reached out to a close friend that I spoke to and was legitimately worried and to calm her down I agreed to call the emergency ACE line to my therapist, so I know tomorrow I will have to talk about what happened. I know tomorrow is the team meeting at ACE ( and I am hoping that I was able to be calmed and avoid some more intense anxiety will work in my advantage instead of disadvantage...) I calmed down before she called me back and when she did call me. I was able to say I had done it w/out her. :)

I processed what happened, how I calmed down. 


1) I realized what was making me panic- the financial burden on my family due to the cost of treatment and in case I have to leave for residential- the cost of THAT. I was worried how much I was compromising the living conditions of my family.


2) So, in order to calm that part of me down- I called the a source i trusted- my dad. I was honest and asked him honest questions so I could rationally put the legitimate worry out of my head. He convinced me that going to Emory another year would be more expensive that what I'm doing now. That helped a lot. But it didn't calm me down completely.


3)I reached out even more and called my friend back that I originally called. I REACHED OUT ( rare for me ) and I processed why I felt why I felt like I wasn't worth the money. We talked about it. I calmed down and realized how my logic was not the rational logic I thought it was. 

WITH THE HELP OF A WONDERFUL FRIEND ,MY DAD OH AND MYSELF...no drugs, no individual therapist...

I CALMED DOWN. I am going to go into ACE tomorrow and give it my all for the next 3 weeks and kick this. I'm going to do this. The fact that I just did what I did tonight gives me hope that I CAN DO THIS. I can kick this.

i haven't felt this proud of myself in a long time nor this calm in a while. I finally feel like I'm going down the right path- and I feel hope. Now I'm just hoping and praying ACE will think the same. 3 weeks...

Sometimes...

she thinks she's strong. 

......

Sometimes she thinks she's gone, past the point of feeling anything at all.

comments

I added commenting back onto my site.

going back to what?

I can't decide I'm ambivalent about my recovery at this moment. I have such a short period to prove myself which I really think I can do. I refuse to waste a shit ton of money and time due to this. I want my life back although I have no idea what I want back. What I had was a giant facade, a giant mask- chaos in the middle that occasionally spilled out and a nice little cocktail put together ( semi nicely ) on the outside. well maybe it was a bit messy but meh, better than the legit inside chaos.

I don't have a solid Lisa to go back to. i'd start completely empty, so I almost want to hold onto everything that's regulating me now because at least it's something. it's not empty.

Since when the fuck did food regulate my emotions? I hate emotions. I truly do. I want to be a rock. Emotions fuck everything up. Emotions make people make dumb illogical decisions, emotions make people fight, emotions cause drama. emotions waste time when productive work could be done

BUT i have to admit I have emotions and I will cause at times, drama and I will make some decisions based on my emotions. I have to. I'm human.

BUT I HATE IT. I HATE IT. I hate knowing what I NEED TO DO and what I WANT is completly different. I don't want feelings- i want simple, rational logic. I want to just fucking relax like- when I truly for some reason thought I had it more together than now even though it may have been a total facade but at least it was one I was starting to believe. chaos inside, calm on the outside.  I want to regulate my emotions again. I want to not want anyone or anything. i hate it when i realize that someone has affected me. i hate it when i realized I just asked someone to support me bc I want that person to. that means I want that person. that makes me vulnerable.

that's the side of me that wants to be all me. NO ONE ELSE can touch me emotionally. I need it to be rational and logic so things work. But no, that's not healthy as I'm learning

life happens. train wrecks happens. people get hurt, life moves on. i can't spend the rest of my life avoiding hurt and train wrecks. I can try to stop them but if it happens, then it happened. it's not the end of my life, it'll keep going. i can't avoid train wrecks bc i might miss some great moments avoiding the wrecks. I can put forth an effort to stop two trains from wrecking if i foresee it but that doesn't mean the effort will work but at least I tried and maybe somewhere in trying I'll get a moment of joy. who knows.

I really need to live more in the moment--stop panicking about possible future emotions or even if i'm having a feeling right now or wishing someone were here w/me...and realizing. and that some people in certain situations in my past I can truly just talk to bc they aren't fucking retarded and probably saw right through my facade and aren't judging me when I tell them the truth, which I think they already figured out anyway.

i can be convincing but I'm trying now not to be. I just want to be honest.

well i guess i jump from one to the other...

all or nothing ( goddammit I keep hearing that ) . i have no emotions or i'm emotionally draining.

I've got to listen to my friends ( yes, Alex you're always right and thank you Katie ) more often--- stop overthinking and doubting. actions speak. people care. not everyone is out to get you. live in the moment. if I'm enjoying my time w/someone, stop thinking about what it's doing/not doing for me in the future. I'm fucking 22, who cares? I need to learn how to be happy and if someone sticks to their word and makes me happy- I'm going to live in that moment and be "happy" and stop giving everyone around me the third degree because of my trust issues...which apparently become emotionally draining to more than just one person as I've come to find out

FIND A MIDDLE GROUND DUMBASS ( speaking to myself of course ) . working on it. I don't have to pick one path or another, there's one that goes down the middle that probably has better results than either forks in the road....

stop thinking everyone is lying. It is entirely unnecessary to walk around as Alex says in bubble wrap because I think the world is full of sharp knives when in reality where I am now is padded by pillows...

Please Hear What I'm Not Saying

my variation of the famous poem by Charles C. Finn- 
             

I give you the impression that I'm secure,

that all is sunny and unruffled with me,

that confidence is my name and coolness my game,

that the water's calm and I'm in command

and that I need no one,

but don't believe me.

My surface may seem smooth 

               

Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.

But I've tried hiding this.  
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.

               

And I'm saying this now. BUT I'm it's terrifying me that i am.

I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance, will not be followed by love.

I'm afraid you'll think less of me,

 that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.

I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing

 and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,

and my life becomes a front.

So when I'm going through my routine

do not be fooled by what I'm saying.

Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,

what I'd like to be able to say,

what for survival I need to say,

but what I takes so much for me to say.

I don't like playing superficial phony  games.

I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me

but you've got to help me.

You've got to hold out your hand

even when that's the last thing I seem to want.

               

 I want you to know that.

 I want you to know how important you are to me,

  how you can help me be a creator of the person that is me

            

if you choose to. Please choose to.

 Do not pass me by.

 It will not be easy for you.

 A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.

 The nearer you approach to me

 the blinder I may strike back.

 I fight against the very thing I cry out for.

               

 Please try to beat down those walls

 with firm hands but with gentle hands

           
 Who am I, you may wonder? I am someone you know very well

For I am every man you meet and I am every woman you meet.

                                                                     
Charles C. Finn

September 1966

that's that.

I have never spent so much of my day crying. Not only did a close friend get sent to the hospital for at least one month--- i literally felt my chest hurt. I never expected it to hurt so much. She literally is like a bestfriend and sister at the same time. Seeing her walk away makes my heart break. I can't imagine not being with her when I'm at ACE. I never expected it to hurt so much. I never expected for me to care so much for one close friend I've only known for a few weeks. I know it's partially because we've both been through so much intense stuff together but it's just amazing to me how emotional this is to me, how much I care about her, how much I care about a lot of the people that are consistently around me. it also...

It reminds me we're all standing on the edge. I, myself got a deadline. I will work my ass off and take full advantage of the change that's been made in my medication and treatment team. I have 4 weeks, this means I'm on the ledge too. This all reminds me that even though I am trying hard now , with a change and with more of a motivation and putting 100% of myself into it, I REFUSE to get kicked off the edge-- ie- out of Atlanta. This is obvious self talk. I'm trying. I'm going to. And if it doesn't work, I didn't fail, I just need more support. But, especially after talking to my individual, I really feel like I CAN do this. I CAN. I think I'm going to have to make some pretty significant changes in my personal life- ask for a certain level of support from some people that may not be able to provide it- this is going to take guts. But if I can cut out any situations where I'm respected enough to be partially in control of what is good for me and may cause anxiety, for at least these 4 weeks, I'm going to remove myself from those situations.

I'm going to have to do things I don't think I have ever done before. I'm going to have to use my voice and ask for needs that may be too much, I might have to walk away and work solely on this without support from one person I want it from so badly. I guess I'll find out soon...this is all blind and in the dark for me. I HATE THE DARK. I need some light. A little bit of light. It's natural to be scared of the dark...i think but I just might be too fearful of it- the dark causes me so much anxiety. So my plan at least for now is that to deal w/my anxiety the best I can, face my fears and cut out anything temporarily that could cause me unnecessary anxiety...

I see some things in a certain way....and it causes me a certain level of anxiety that may be different than others...

and that's that and it's who I am and this is now the time the "gap year" to learn how to deal with it in a successful and positive way.

What am I still doing here?

I'm feeling physically overwhelmed--Almost like my chest is about to burst open. . . I have everything I need here but I feel myself slipping downhill fast...and I have so many resources right at my fingertips to stop me...but I'm so ambivalent about it right now. I'm trying to catch myself before it gets out of control by being honest with my treatment team, demanding my needs, getting extra support and mainly by being honest. But that ambivalence comes in where it's still hard to just be all in. I feel like I'm doing things and trying to change my thoughts but it's still so hard to get in solid food. I'm going to go to a few extra groups at ACE for the next few days because things have just been difficult. I know this isn't right....but being aware of it and still not doing everything in my will to change it is painful but I literally feel like I can't just snap and make the recovery change. I feel very stuck. I felt as if I was making really great progress around July-August.

WHAT AM I STILL DOING HERE?! The sole reason I am in atlanta is because my support is here. My treatment team + friends are here. I will admit, I am truly TRULY lucky to have such supporting and understanding friends. But... sometimes I wish I had been able to move on like most my age...

Now I feel trapped, like I'm really not trying enough but I feel like I'm about to explode out of anxiety and can't try any harder- i mean sure I could FORCE myself to eat more but at what mental cost? -  My treatment team knows my limits. I truly trust all of them...well most of them, still skeptical about the psychiatrist but eh...i have a feeling he'll grow on me

My anxiety at the moment is not all just about me. I see two of my best friends struggling with some intense problems. I can almost feel their pain but I can't do a damn thing about it. I've never seen so many people in so much pain in such a short amount of time. I don't want one of the people I care about sooo much to end up inpatient in the hospital, but if that were to become the case, I will visit her and it also gives me a huge wake up call. But, I'm not sure in what way. My other friend, I just feel her withdrawing and pain from a difficult relationship and I just wish I could make it go away. I know all relationships involve pain but the one she's in is an anomaly.

And...I can't do anything about it, but they're both in so much pain that I can't sit still either. I'm stuck watching from the outside. I can't fix them.

I just want things to start looking up for them and some of the others around me. It's hard to see people slipping but it's also nice to see people make progress. I guess this is just what comes with being in a treatment center ...nothing with anyone is completely stable. I see people slipping and just want to catch them so badly but what about me? Whether it's me or anyone else, I feel like I'm on the outside watching and with some of the hilarious stuff that happens in the midst of this giant mess, I truly sometimes feel like I'm just watching a Dr. Drew rehab reality TV show sometimes...

How do I stop this slippery slope without exploding? I don't even know what's backsliding emotion wise and what may be legitimate progress. thank god I have individual tomorrow... but I don't want to go there or to ACE. I feel done talking But, like a big girl....I'm going to suck it up and deal w/this shit. right. go me. ( i hope the sarcasm came across )