that's that.

I have never spent so much of my day crying. Not only did a close friend get sent to the hospital for at least one month--- i literally felt my chest hurt. I never expected it to hurt so much. She literally is like a bestfriend and sister at the same time. Seeing her walk away makes my heart break. I can't imagine not being with her when I'm at ACE. I never expected it to hurt so much. I never expected for me to care so much for one close friend I've only known for a few weeks. I know it's partially because we've both been through so much intense stuff together but it's just amazing to me how emotional this is to me, how much I care about her, how much I care about a lot of the people that are consistently around me. it also...

It reminds me we're all standing on the edge. I, myself got a deadline. I will work my ass off and take full advantage of the change that's been made in my medication and treatment team. I have 4 weeks, this means I'm on the ledge too. This all reminds me that even though I am trying hard now , with a change and with more of a motivation and putting 100% of myself into it, I REFUSE to get kicked off the edge-- ie- out of Atlanta. This is obvious self talk. I'm trying. I'm going to. And if it doesn't work, I didn't fail, I just need more support. But, especially after talking to my individual, I really feel like I CAN do this. I CAN. I think I'm going to have to make some pretty significant changes in my personal life- ask for a certain level of support from some people that may not be able to provide it- this is going to take guts. But if I can cut out any situations where I'm respected enough to be partially in control of what is good for me and may cause anxiety, for at least these 4 weeks, I'm going to remove myself from those situations.

I'm going to have to do things I don't think I have ever done before. I'm going to have to use my voice and ask for needs that may be too much, I might have to walk away and work solely on this without support from one person I want it from so badly. I guess I'll find out soon...this is all blind and in the dark for me. I HATE THE DARK. I need some light. A little bit of light. It's natural to be scared of the dark...i think but I just might be too fearful of it- the dark causes me so much anxiety. So my plan at least for now is that to deal w/my anxiety the best I can, face my fears and cut out anything temporarily that could cause me unnecessary anxiety...

I see some things in a certain way....and it causes me a certain level of anxiety that may be different than others...

and that's that and it's who I am and this is now the time the "gap year" to learn how to deal with it in a successful and positive way.