Thank YOU

I seriously sometimes really want to live in a bubble...with my kittens ( yes, cat lady joke hah ) but i get so sick of interpersonal struggles sometimes, it's just so much easier to have none. Not saying I don't love and my friends and appreciate my support system because I have a more than amazing support system even when I push/pull at them and make ridiculous hysterical phone calls...like a pyscho....or not pick up my phone for weeks on end...after speaking w/a friend who is friends with someone else with an ED, I've realized how much of an impact my ED has on those around me tooo and I feel horrendously guilty... another reason a break from the entire world would be great-- those around me would get a break as well.

Yes, I am getting the thumbs up from my entire treatment team that so far I won't have to go to residential and I'm improving...but I also feel so tired from trying so damn hard. I'm doing what I need to. I'm adding the groups and taking notes like I need to, I think I'm finally going in the right direction with the meds to help w/my emotional mood rollercoasters and anxiety...but IMPROVING MAKES ME EXHAUSTED and more mindful of all my mistakes. But honestly, each day seems to get more and more tiring when it comes to questions and the digging. I only get out of bed because I know I'll never get anywhere in treatment if I don't. I know I have responsibilities, I have a desire to recovery....but I AM SO DRAINED.

I can't be who some people want me to be. I need some things that some people can't give me and I don't blame them. I can't and DON'T put all my eggs in one basket-- I hate relying on ANYONE. I feel horrible letting it out to anyone...i'd rather keep it all in and just suffer alone, be self sustainable and just FIX THIS SHIT MYSELF. I don't want anyone to see my weaknesses or struggles. The pain is almost impossible to hide at this point. I can't always have a smile and content look on my face like some of the others I see who are also suffering. I'm too exhausted to do that. I used to be able to do that, but it's been months at ACE and I'm in a constant state of lethargy...emotionally. At this moment -- i want nothing more than a hug from a certain person--but I know that literally will not happen. So admitting that I want it is even painful. ...don't judge me.

In my head though I WANT TO WANT NOTHING. I WANT MY BRAIN AND HEART TO JUST NUMB. I WANT TO SPEND THIS WEEKEND IN MY BED DOING NOTHING BUT READING/WATCHING TV/PETTING MY CATS AND ... NOT MOVING. I DO NOT WANT TO THINK OR BE A PERSON. I WANT TO BE... a hermit.  it's so much easier...but also a great way to lose friends and support. so ugh. I can't do that. I can't keep cutting people off randomly when I want to. If I express the need of stability from others, it's too hypocritical for me not to at least try. I'm on the brink of just stepping back into a huge relapse but I know there is too much at stake. The sole reason i'm doing the right things right now is not to disappoint NM, Amy and those around me ( it'd break my heart if I know I didn't try my hardest when they are doing all they can to help me ) and the fear of residential and not wanting to go. THESE LAST TWO NIGHTS HAVE INVOLVED SYMPTOMS I HAVE NOT USED IN QUITE A LONG TIME ( FUCK ME ) and an odd craving for sweets. I'm really thinking it's a change in my meds. something needs to change. it's going in the right direction but I CANNOT keep up these symptoms. It's only going to fuck me over. If i had to pick one symptom over the other, I'd rather restrict that b/p. For some reason i feel like b/p is complete loss of control. i'd rather just have no appetite.

My head is back into the eating disorder voice. It's harder than it's ever been, I mean I'm doing the right motions- i'm shoveling the food into my mouth- not tasting it though- i don't want it so it's not appealing. My body is in no way in danger but i'm just so tired of fighting. Why can't my brian shut the fuck up. JUST SHUT UP.   It's rare that I truly trust someone...and of course I'm always going to have moments of anxiety provoking insecurity attacks but I feel awkwardly and undeservingly appreciative of the wonderful support I have around me here . I also can't understand why some people are still sticking w/me through this giant shit hole of a mess when i've caused them pain, struggle and I'm sure at times i've been a burden. I've warned them- I'm not an easy one. I feel like I've been pinky promised almost that they won't leave and are here to support me.I don't understand why anyone would want to support a psycho chick. I don't think I'm offering much in return. I don't have the energy to offer anything except... a thank you. And I truly thank everyone that is still in this w/me.

xoxo -Lisa