going back to what?

I can't decide I'm ambivalent about my recovery at this moment. I have such a short period to prove myself which I really think I can do. I refuse to waste a shit ton of money and time due to this. I want my life back although I have no idea what I want back. What I had was a giant facade, a giant mask- chaos in the middle that occasionally spilled out and a nice little cocktail put together ( semi nicely ) on the outside. well maybe it was a bit messy but meh, better than the legit inside chaos.

I don't have a solid Lisa to go back to. i'd start completely empty, so I almost want to hold onto everything that's regulating me now because at least it's something. it's not empty.

Since when the fuck did food regulate my emotions? I hate emotions. I truly do. I want to be a rock. Emotions fuck everything up. Emotions make people make dumb illogical decisions, emotions make people fight, emotions cause drama. emotions waste time when productive work could be done

BUT i have to admit I have emotions and I will cause at times, drama and I will make some decisions based on my emotions. I have to. I'm human.

BUT I HATE IT. I HATE IT. I hate knowing what I NEED TO DO and what I WANT is completly different. I don't want feelings- i want simple, rational logic. I want to just fucking relax like- when I truly for some reason thought I had it more together than now even though it may have been a total facade but at least it was one I was starting to believe. chaos inside, calm on the outside.  I want to regulate my emotions again. I want to not want anyone or anything. i hate it when i realize that someone has affected me. i hate it when i realized I just asked someone to support me bc I want that person to. that means I want that person. that makes me vulnerable.

that's the side of me that wants to be all me. NO ONE ELSE can touch me emotionally. I need it to be rational and logic so things work. But no, that's not healthy as I'm learning

life happens. train wrecks happens. people get hurt, life moves on. i can't spend the rest of my life avoiding hurt and train wrecks. I can try to stop them but if it happens, then it happened. it's not the end of my life, it'll keep going. i can't avoid train wrecks bc i might miss some great moments avoiding the wrecks. I can put forth an effort to stop two trains from wrecking if i foresee it but that doesn't mean the effort will work but at least I tried and maybe somewhere in trying I'll get a moment of joy. who knows.

I really need to live more in the moment--stop panicking about possible future emotions or even if i'm having a feeling right now or wishing someone were here w/me...and realizing. and that some people in certain situations in my past I can truly just talk to bc they aren't fucking retarded and probably saw right through my facade and aren't judging me when I tell them the truth, which I think they already figured out anyway.

i can be convincing but I'm trying now not to be. I just want to be honest.