So much all over the place...

There's just so much going on all over the place. I can't handle it. I mean, yes I can. I'm not just saying that for self talk. It's just my ambivalence and ability to trust my own ability showing through. I really do think I can do it but at the same time I'm slightly doubtful and hurting myself through the self doubt...

I feel like I've lost so much in the past 3 months but also gained so much but it's not able to be quantified like I'm used to, it's not like school or a sport. I feel almost like I've forgotten myself. it's like forgetting the words to my favorite childhood song which ironically I don't think I had one. I've covered myself up in this armor/ put up a wall when I feel unsafe ( which is most of the time ) but I'm coming to think that having this wall up as a necessity is so far from the truth and freedom. But at the same time, I truly just want to curl up into a ball and be left alone behind my wall

BUT...

I want to take the risk and enjoy certain things in life I've haven't allowed myself to enjoy because I'm too careful to not get hurt. I want to take that risk. In fact I either JUMP right into the risk or THROW UP A GIANT WALL. Why can't I just step a foot in, try it out and see where it goes. Why can't I just see where things go. When did things turn  so black and white to me? Why have I run for the trainwreck and not even attempt to stop it in the past? I I want to test the waters, live in the present and stop trying to see a trainwreck if there may not be one and if I do see it, I'm going to try and stop it if I see it worth it. I'm going to keep up a wall, but not such a unbreakable one....and one with a door. granted I need a giant bouncer ( someone in with me on it- using my support system ) at the door to okay who is okay to come in...but at least now there's a door. baby steps.

I was told by Amy today that I was making progress in group!!  I had my last self expression group because I really felt like I wasn't getting much out of it. I have different self expression problems that most of the other girls. I express....just sometimes too much, push people into corners. I need a better filter.

speaking of filter- dude.....i don't take well to new people easily at ACE, let's just put that out there simply. especially new people in groups who talk forever and have just as strong as a personality as I do....

my ED is kicking in way too strongly again. Trying to control my anxiety correlates too much with food. Trying to kick both at the same time is freakishly hard. But I know with my contract, I can't just control my anxiety, I also can't lose any more weight. I feel like I'm in a catch 22 when I'm really not. Like i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place...I feel like i have to lose weight to control my anxiety...but I know that is NOT true.....i want to scream out of frustration. I almost feel like I can control my anxiety a little bit better than my ed. I feel like my eating disorder has a complete mind of it's own--and I really really want to punch him in the face but yet I'm listening to him at times. I AM SO AM-FUCKING-BIVALENT it's frustrating. ugh.

progress. gotta keep making it. I'm down to 3 weeks. i think i can make it.

o and amy did not really mention much about the frantic phone call last night, so ACE hasn't really "punished me". The feedback I got form Amy and Nancy M is that it seemed like good progress...so...yeah...hopefully it was