i just don't know

I think my idle emotion (thanks mindfullness ) is confusion. When i sit and stare and just think and not have outside stimulus being shot at me- I just feel confused. Sometimes when i say I don't know...don't know what? I don't know, i just don't know.

I had a passive, almost serene, drama free, actually dare I say pretty positive weekend.My eating disorder didn't really play a huge part in my weekend. i didn't feel as if I was having an active battle- I wasn't feeling horrible guilty for eating or even drinking the goddamn ensures. No intense battles w/my eating disorder--he was quiet--as quiet as he's been for a while. "I need a boost to ensure success"- Katie . Still love that quote.

but now...A lot more ED thoughts are in my head. A lot more hesitant/ (conscious of it) to eat. Everything seems to taste the same. I have to fight to eat because i know i have to- not bc food seems appetizing. I look at my food journal and feel pathetic...so I know I need to change and having to fight this particular battle tonight...is just so stressful and draining. i feel like I have a constant chain tied to me but instead of a chain it's my ED. I just feel very very weighed down- no pun intended...heh... I feel no hunger or appetite to eat anything, not even my old binge food but I know I need to eat for numerous reasons, but at this moment it's so I don't get sent away and I don't disappoint the professionals that I believe care about me. I don't want to have my individual see my food journal or weigh me and then get lectured. I don't want to feel like I failed. So...logically--> eat so you don't disappoint those you desperately don't want. So, yes I ate a dinner. But now I'm sitting here tting feeling horribly sick with the food in my stomach. Not sure if I won the battle or lost it. I know even what I did eat would not fly at ACE. Feeling full stresses me out.

 I had someone ask me the other day how I went from bulimia to restricting....I know the flow of what happened but I know I didn't do it completely consciously. I just know I wasn't having symptoms for a week or two this summer and I was wondering how/why they just kind of disappeared, I have a hypothesis but I can't admit it , not yet anyway. But then, I had a switch in my treatment team and the bulimia didn't come back ( well i had the very rare, occasional b/p ) but mostly I just didn't want the feeing of food in my stomach--- so I purged most of my food--then I got the message quite clear from my treatment team-- to stop purging. Somewhere along that line-  I lost my appetite ( could be a medication change too actually ) and did not actively restrict. I just forgot. When I don't crave anything or want anything, I don't think about it---> thus, I forgot a lot of times that I had to eat more. Then somewhere along that horrible slippery slope...my weight got noticed by my treatment team and now I find myself fighting, still have no appetite. Nothing sounds appealing. NOTHING. But now I'm also having a hard time just eating- i know that' not appetite related, it's part of me restricting to a degree... now it's an active battle. I just want to disappear because I really don't want to fight this anymore. I don't want this battle to affect those I like having close around me. It's embarrassing to be sitting with a friend watching a movie and drinking an ensure. I'm sure it makes for some awkwardness. it's difficult to see a friend suffer and hear her call herself fat because she's at least partially comparing to me. it's difficult to see another friend struggle w/the same battle I am. i know the fact that I'm having the same problem and can't find a damn solution....isn't helping her.

i just wish ED would go away. Although I do truly ask myself if my ED got worse because it is easier to deal with than the underlying interpersonal relations issues and that was the stuff that started to get throw in my face around the time my ED started acting up...along with leaving Dr. Moore. I still miss him. SO MUCH. IT'S RIDICULOUS. Emotions like this don't happen when interpersonal relations aren't made. Logically, it seems like life would be so much more serene alone...too bad it doesn't work like that...