What am I still doing here?

I'm feeling physically overwhelmed--Almost like my chest is about to burst open. . . I have everything I need here but I feel myself slipping downhill fast...and I have so many resources right at my fingertips to stop me...but I'm so ambivalent about it right now. I'm trying to catch myself before it gets out of control by being honest with my treatment team, demanding my needs, getting extra support and mainly by being honest. But that ambivalence comes in where it's still hard to just be all in. I feel like I'm doing things and trying to change my thoughts but it's still so hard to get in solid food. I'm going to go to a few extra groups at ACE for the next few days because things have just been difficult. I know this isn't right....but being aware of it and still not doing everything in my will to change it is painful but I literally feel like I can't just snap and make the recovery change. I feel very stuck. I felt as if I was making really great progress around July-August.

WHAT AM I STILL DOING HERE?! The sole reason I am in atlanta is because my support is here. My treatment team + friends are here. I will admit, I am truly TRULY lucky to have such supporting and understanding friends. But... sometimes I wish I had been able to move on like most my age...

Now I feel trapped, like I'm really not trying enough but I feel like I'm about to explode out of anxiety and can't try any harder- i mean sure I could FORCE myself to eat more but at what mental cost? -  My treatment team knows my limits. I truly trust all of them...well most of them, still skeptical about the psychiatrist but eh...i have a feeling he'll grow on me

My anxiety at the moment is not all just about me. I see two of my best friends struggling with some intense problems. I can almost feel their pain but I can't do a damn thing about it. I've never seen so many people in so much pain in such a short amount of time. I don't want one of the people I care about sooo much to end up inpatient in the hospital, but if that were to become the case, I will visit her and it also gives me a huge wake up call. But, I'm not sure in what way. My other friend, I just feel her withdrawing and pain from a difficult relationship and I just wish I could make it go away. I know all relationships involve pain but the one she's in is an anomaly.

And...I can't do anything about it, but they're both in so much pain that I can't sit still either. I'm stuck watching from the outside. I can't fix them.

I just want things to start looking up for them and some of the others around me. It's hard to see people slipping but it's also nice to see people make progress. I guess this is just what comes with being in a treatment center ...nothing with anyone is completely stable. I see people slipping and just want to catch them so badly but what about me? Whether it's me or anyone else, I feel like I'm on the outside watching and with some of the hilarious stuff that happens in the midst of this giant mess, I truly sometimes feel like I'm just watching a Dr. Drew rehab reality TV show sometimes...

How do I stop this slippery slope without exploding? I don't even know what's backsliding emotion wise and what may be legitimate progress. thank god I have individual tomorrow... but I don't want to go there or to ACE. I feel done talking But, like a big girl....I'm going to suck it up and deal w/this shit. right. go me. ( i hope the sarcasm came across )