Please Hear What I'm Not Saying

my variation of the famous poem by Charles C. Finn- 
             

I give you the impression that I'm secure,

that all is sunny and unruffled with me,

that confidence is my name and coolness my game,

that the water's calm and I'm in command

and that I need no one,

but don't believe me.

My surface may seem smooth 

               

Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.

But I've tried hiding this.  
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.

               

And I'm saying this now. BUT I'm it's terrifying me that i am.

I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance, will not be followed by love.

I'm afraid you'll think less of me,

 that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.

I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing

 and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,

and my life becomes a front.

So when I'm going through my routine

do not be fooled by what I'm saying.

Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,

what I'd like to be able to say,

what for survival I need to say,

but what I takes so much for me to say.

I don't like playing superficial phony  games.

I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me

but you've got to help me.

You've got to hold out your hand

even when that's the last thing I seem to want.

               

 I want you to know that.

 I want you to know how important you are to me,

  how you can help me be a creator of the person that is me

            

if you choose to. Please choose to.

 Do not pass me by.

 It will not be easy for you.

 A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.

 The nearer you approach to me

 the blinder I may strike back.

 I fight against the very thing I cry out for.

               

 Please try to beat down those walls

 with firm hands but with gentle hands

           
 Who am I, you may wonder? I am someone you know very well

For I am every man you meet and I am every woman you meet.

                                                                     
Charles C. Finn

September 1966