Gone for a while...I'm back

Hey guys,
   Sorry I've been gone for a while. I've just had a lot on my mind. It's just some stuff I didn't want to really write out in the open. I'm still contemplating writing about it. But food wise- I'm doing A LOT better.
   I had 2 slices of a small pizza yesterday AND two long islands ( drink ). CALORIES but yano what? I didn't care. I was enjoying my time. My ED has been doing lots better. But with EMOTIONS- WTF.
   All I want to do is RUN. RUN EVERYTHING AWAY. I used to do that. Anytime things get kinda rocky with my personally that doesn't involve my ED- I used to bust out like 8 miles.

  My tailbone is fractured- I CAN'T RUN- I'm going insane. I NEED TO RUN.

the end ( for now )

thanks for all your awesome support btw :) I really appreciate it


xoxo -Lisa

CHICAGO AND DAY 2!!!!

Today is going to be Day 2!!!! I'm so excited. I'm with my friend Kelsey- we made a video blog update. Link is here

we're going to go to Navy Pier , hang out and all that happy stuff.  :)

Today's going to be a good day!
xoxo -Lisa

I got a new job title!!!

I love my new job and my boss pulled me aside yesterday and told me they were giving me a new job titel! Sales and Marketing Administrator!!!! They're also going to bump me up to full time soon. Today was also pay day...

ED wise- no as succesful. Spent the last three days panicking and purging...but today I am going to go back on schedule. My therapist said if I stay on schedule for a month- she'll take a picture with me!! picture of my therapists help me alot- especially in crisis moments. So far, I've only gone a week on schedule but my goal this time is 1 1/2 weeks. I CAN DO IT!

xoxo -Lisa

4th of July Challenges

Thank y'all for the amazing support I got in my last post! :)

I wanted to quickly write a post about the 4th of July and the struggles dealing with this damn holiday. Cookouts...fireworks... swim suits...okay, mostly cookouts and swimsuits are the issues.

I have another cookout to go to today and I'm flipping out. It's a purge day ( on my purge schedule ) but yet, I don't want to purge... at all. I really don't but I'm terrified that I'm going to. I just hate being around so much food. I'm a born bulimic and trained anorexic. It's like a reflex to reach my arm into a bag of chips...

I CAN DO THIS. So can you! stay strong!!

xoxo -Lisa

Eating disorder, Support, Recovery

Eating disorder, Support, Recovery video link

xoxo -Lisa

Life with an ED- frankly

so... for some people... that just don't get it. I'm going to be fucking frank with what life with an eating disorder is like.

It's not just "I want to be skinny"- It's not recovery going up the entire way. There is NO timeline and it's a marathon. You've got to train for the actual race before you can race. The race won't always go smoothly.

I wake up every morning telling myself this is going to be a good day- then it's inevitable- I look in the mirror and.... I go to sleep everynight wishing that I don't wake up the next morning. That's how my day progresses...

I stare at food all the time wishing I could eat it w/out feeling guilty. Sometimes I eat nothing- Sometimes I stuff everything around me in my face and then go and stick my fingers down my throat in public restrooms so my parents don't know. I STRUGGLE and I TRY. But I'm not perfect.

Sometimes I eat, sometimes I keep it down.

Other times I don't... not because I can't but because my willpower ended...because I gave in, because I AM NOT PERFECT.

NO ONE has any right to judge me because I am struggling and THIS IS MY RECOVERY- no one else's - IT IS MINE and if you can't accept that this is me trying and this isn't me giving up.. IF U CAN'T ACCEPT THAT I AM TRYING... then I'm sorry.

BUT I AM. YOU CAN CHOOSE TO SUPPORT ME OR LEAVE ME. Your call. Not mine.

xoxo -Lisa

I HAVE to do this...

so day 3 came and went...before day 3 was over---in other words- I screwed up. It's day 0. I already screwed up a bit this morning. Tomorrow can be day 1 and WILL BE day 1. :)

...I don't know how I went from residential to now. I don't know WHERE the four months went. I guess I went to denver... then came home? But how in those 4 months did I let myself slide from eating 6x a day to struggling to keep ANYTHING down and weighing myself daily again? WHERE?! I remember when i first got to Denver- I was eating Einstein's Bagels...would I even touch that now? I wish. Soon though. Soon.

but I HAVE TO DO THIS (video link) -

I have no choice, unless I want to die. ( which most of the times, I don't..)

I don't have the option of residential, inpatient or any of those types of treatments. Not now, not with my job and my hours increasing, me moving up, no...I can't mess all that up because of my ED. Not happening.

THOR CAN GO TO HELL DAMMIT. ( I did just eat a grilled cheese and have NO intent of "barfing my brains out" <---- as my therapist calls purging.  )

I CAN DO THIS. I HAVE to do this. I will die if I don't. literally. If I keep sliding and don't catch myself- one day Thor will kill me....



xoxo -Lisa

Day 3? DAY 3? DAY 3!!!!

PLEASE PLEASE let today be day 3 of no purging! I CAN DO THIS...



new video update link- click here- it's short but shoutout to katie and jules- GOOD LUCK IN RESIDENTIAL! Y'ALL CAN DO IT!


xoxo -Lisa

:-) Had a good day!

I spent today smiling! I had a great sesh this morning with my T! Things went great. I got my work laptop today and got assigned a work email address- I'm finally legit. "I'm a big kid now" haha.

The ED part... I'm still struggling pretty hardcore but TODAY IS DAY TWO OF NO PURGING! I haven't had a day 2 in a long long time. I want to purge my dinner so badly and I feel like a moooo mooo cow but I can do this. I CAN do it. I HAVE to do it. I HAVE to learn to eat without purging. I have to learn to eat a normal amount. I can do this... I can deal with the weight restoration... even though i really don't want to.

xoxo -Lisa

Getting back up after a long fall down...

I have to get my ass in gear. Which means the first thing I need to do is lessen my symptoms...so i can GAIN fucking weight. That's the hardest part of this entire thing right now.

It's not like "Lisa stop b/p" - it's "Lisa gain about x number of lbs"

I CAN'T ( WON'T as my therapist said to replace all can'ts with won'ts ) do this.

WEIGHT GAIN MAKES MY ED FLIP HIS SHIT.

I CANNOT go back into treatment. I have a feeling if I get weighed at this weight- I'm going to be thrown in the php program here. I have an AMAZING job that I can't lose. I need to do this and also- I need to learn how to live and stay in recovery in a normal life setting. I've been in enough treatment centers to know WHAT to do. I have to work hard and do this...

but it's soooo hard.... the idea of weight gain. HOW DID I LET MYSELF SLIDE THIS FAR OFF THE RECOVERY WAGON?
 
Can I do this on my own? It seems impossible to just do it on my own....( by own i mean with an outpatient team...not ALL ALONE )

I NEED TO RECOVER.

HOW THE HELL DID I LET IT GET THIS FAR?!


xoxo -Lisa

let me introduce...

...Thor. Thor is a bastard. Thor is a cunt. Thor is ruining my life. Thor won't go away. Thor is constantly yelling at me. Thor abuses me. Thor calls me bad names and discourages me. Thor is my abusive boyfriend that won't go away. I am technically "single" guys. I'm as "single" as one gets. Thor is my eating disorder. Yes, I named my ED. I don't want to just call it an ED. I want to put a name to this creature that is ruining my life.

I made another video and despite what I said in my last post- - -I'm going to link them. ( changed my mind haha )   

My insurance changed... my benefits suck now. I am only allotted 30 therapy sessions a year ( 30 seshs that my insurance will cover ) IN network.

I just realized that in my first video I was talking about how I applied for a job at the Apple store... HAHAHAHA. That was in Atlanta and I now live in Indiana with a corporate job. Wow, life changes fast....

My scale is lying to me. End of story.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AQtvhb0xbFk



xoxo -Lisa

Time to be brave...

...time to own up to my actions. I've got to tell my therapist that today was one big giant fuck up mess. When I self destruct- I guess I go all out. All of my coping mechanisms ( well healthy ones ) fly out of my head and instead I use every single self destructing behavior I have. WHY do I do this? WHY DO I BINGE/PURGE? WHY DO I TAKE LAXATIVES? WHY DO I CUT? WHY DO I RESTRICT? WHY WHY WHY DAMMIT....

I'm struggling right now. I have moments of really wanting recovery- of really trying and I have other moments where I just want to give in. I have nothing left in me to fight sometimes. I just want to lay down, fall asleep- wake up and have everything be okay.... to have a good day---- one that isn't interrupted by ED thoughts every few minutes. I just want to be okay... that's all I ask for.

Nancy still hasn't responded to my email and she probably never will. that pisses me off and makes me feel like shit. I think I need to cut all ties with nancy and amy...but that saddens me...A LOT. TOO MUCH EVEN. AGH. I don't know.

I think I might start vlogging again... I'm not going to post on here everytime that I update my vlog but I will post the link to my youtbue channel this one time.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OogKyCF-wwc&feature=channel_video_title
 
xoxo -Lisa

I don't really feel anything...

I feel pissed sometimes but other than that... I'm not feeling. I'm numb. I feel fat and numb. That SUCKS. This would have been the weekend I would have gone down to Atlanta to see my friends and have a goodbye sesh with Amy. I don't know if I want a goodbye sesh with her anymore- things have kind of changed. I guess I'm upset about it. I don't know. Still kinda feeling... NOTHINGGGGGGGGG...

I emailed Nancy last night- nothing yet... *fingers crossed*

my life is a joke. one big sarcastic joke.


xoxo -Lisa

Gaining...

I'm going to enjoy food. I'm going to restore my weight. I've flushed my laxatives, I'm going to keep my scale though...

but I am going to start enjoying food- this doesn't mean binging but eating when I want to/am hungry. I'm going to NOT obsess about my weight. I'm going to move on with my life...right? right... I think I can do this. Why is it so hard to be sure?

recovery is possible.

xoxo -Lisa

After a 7 AM appointment

I feel better...I spoke with my therapist and she constantly reminded me that she cares, that the reason she couldn't respond to my email and phone calls were because of something personal that happened. She wasn't ignoring me and telling me to go do this myself. She is well aware that I CANNOT do this myself. We discussed how she would respond when she does and things such as that. I think I can work w/this. If not, we also discussed maybe that I need a therapist that can offer different things... I don't want to be kicked out again...

In terms of my ED- All I hear is this "I JUST WANT TO BE SKINNNNNNNNYYYYYYYYYYY" Yeah, having a hard time coping with my weight and what I eat. It sounds so vain and stupid. please don't judge me. I wish this were easier. I see others eat and I wish I could do the same...I started using laxatives but I told my therapist I'd take things one day at a time and not take any...for today.

I can do this?


xoxo -Lisa

i feel oddly functional...

...and I'm not doing so well eating disorder wise...but I feel totally functional. that makes me even more on the fence about recovery. ALSO- fml- boundaries. I hate them. My current t never emailed me back and it hurt so much that she didn't. Amy was late in responding to an email too so that hurt as well on top of A( my t ) not responding to my email and she probably never will. I had to cry in hysterics for her to offer me her work email address.

...things are just so different treatment wise. I don't really want to move forward treatment wise from where I am right now bc I feel fine.

xoxo -Lisa

Learning to be alone...

...with most of my friends having graduated college... it's really a time for everyone to kind of learn how to be alone. Graduating college means that your social circle scatters, people leave for home, jobs and whatever else takes them away from where they just spent the last 4 years of their lives. 4 years of torture, fun, love and hate all at the same time...

I had to learn how to be alone last year, after I graduated and lived on my own. I was lucky that a lot of my friends were still in atl....but now having moved home ( yes, back to the ole nesty nest ) where I'm reconnecting with old friends but at the same time- I'm more alone that ever in a way. I may be home because I needed someone to take care of me ( thank you eating disorder for taking away my freedom ) but I feel alone- really alone. But I need to sit with it. I have no other choice.

I'm on the fence about recovery.

I finally have a job I like and it pays quite well :- ) and I'm getting by with my ED right now so it's hard to be all gung ho about recovery when I feel like I am being successful right now -- I don't feel dysfunctional anymore...

it's weird.


xoxo -Lisa

Costco panick and bpd

So, in an effort to get me out of the house, my parents dragged me along with them to costco ( big warehouse store ) and I flipped out ( silently )... i saw so many foods there that I WANTED to be able to eat...but I just won't allow myself to eat. THUS- PANICK ATTACK...

well. fuck me. there are a million great food items out there ( SUCH AS DINO NUGGETS that I USED to LOVE :P ) that I would love to be able to eat now. Yes, DINO NUGGETS- judge me all you want...

I just want to not care what I eat. the end.

also- my bpd is kickin in. hardcore. 

xoxo -Lisa

My mind is spinning

I've had a few good moments ( the weather is getting so much better here ). I have awesome friends that have been a wonderful support system and I don't know how I'd live w/out them. My therapeutic support on the other hand is kinda lacking and it's pissing me off. I don't really know what to make of it. Maybe that's how it's supposed to be. I just have no access to my team at all if I'm not PHYSICALLY in the center.

My head is spinning with thoughts at the moment... good ones and bad ones. I've had a few really bad body image days which aren't helping with the ED symptoms. I'm probably at my lowest point with ED symptoms right now... except maybe before I left for Rosewood...not sure...

I just feel as if I need some more therapeutic support or maybe that I was spoiled and need to learn to lean on others and myself and not on therapists.. I just remember Nancy telling me that it was okay to lean on her, sometimes I needed that. WELL I NEED IT NOW AND WHERE IS SHE? not here. great. wonderful.

but I'm determined to make today better than yesterday. one step & day at a time. baby steps. 

xoxo -Lisa

It's not you, it's me... literally

Why is it so easy for me to just self sabetoge? My therapist and I were talking about that today. She was saying how I've sabotaged most relationships- therapeutic or not- i've been in. Thus, instead of getting rejected/abandoned I sabotage the relationship and then there is a reason the person left. ie- I was cutting too much. ie- I screamed at him weekly to walk away from me ( yes...I did that..FAIL ). I then have a reason as to why they left- it wasn't ME but someTHING I did. Thus, I can think it wasn't me... it wasn't me...but really...i was me.

xoxo -Lisa