"Bear in mind you have a life to live. There is an incredible loss. There is a profound grief. And there is, in the end, after a long time and more work than you ever thought possible, a time when it gets easier." -Marya Hornbacher
I just found this randomly on an unpublished post I had written- this as written about 2 months ago.
[It seems strange that there are so many things that I just forget / don't think about and then they randomly pop up into my head. My head is all over the place and I've been trying to just muffle it all out with binging on tv shows on netflix/hulu or just other places where I can watch them.
School has started and that means I have a lot of things that I should be doing/reading and yet- I just can't bring myself to full do any of it. I don't want to is part of the problem. I'm tired and just want to sleep for months. Who is to say I'm not suicidal anymore? I've just resigned to needing to live for others. Nothing for myself- I don't know why I would live for myself- still. Not sure. ]
and that last sentence has rang true for ... as long as I can remember and the more people I lose in my life- the less I feel I need to stay okay for.
First off, I haven't updated in a ridiculous amount of time so if anyone is still even reading this- I apologize for my absence. I really do think I will continue to update/process through this alot more.
Life has been and is good. It really is.I let my guard down and most of you readers/friends know how hard that is for me- and well, I got hurt.I cried for god knows how long. Eventually ( obviously ), I stopped-
talked to a good friend of mine that I've known since high school- who
also happens to live a few blocks away now. She stated a lot of facts-
objective facts that really helped me. When two people aren't on the
same page or potentially almost in different books: you're going to have
problems and the inevitable will happen- unless someone changes drastically and I don't think that's fair to either party
My 10 months ( which might not seem long to some ) relationship that I had a lot of hope in ended- almost exactly 48 hours ago. We talked things out- I got the closure I needed even if that meant hearing answers that I KNEW would hurt and yes, they did. A LOT. But, it needed to be said for me to be able to focus on other things and not wonder "what ifs" because those two damn words can drive anyone nuts.
It's weird because I have random moments of just being ready to burst into tears but I have moments already where I realize that I am glad to have my weekends free to hang out with certain friends and to get to know them better. But, then I felt bad for liking that. I do however, foresee a wide range of emotions coming on soon..
For the first time in my life where I lost someone that played a huge role in it- I don't regret anything- I don't regret letting him in, I don't regret believing him ( even if in the end it didn't work out because I know he really wanted to believe himself as well ). If I had the choice to do it all again knowing the exact outcome- I wouldn't change a thing because our good memories were SO good that I don't have any desire to ever erase them. I can't even remember many bad memories...at all- except the break up but even my friends have stated- this is one of the smoothest break ups she's ever seen.
The picture on the right seems very sad at first glance and yet to me it is positive. Also, this caption speaks a lot to me- especially at this moment in my life.
Life happens- I don't have much more advice then- go with what happens and attempt to learn and grow.
Feeling are ephemeral, so is life. We’re here one moment and we’re gone the next. If you keep living trying to protect yourself, nothing is every going to touch you.
I know it's been a long time since I've updated on here. I've actually been able to live a life outside of my disorders. It's really nice. However, I do like to continue to take time out of my day to make sure that I'm still on the right path and that I'm still involved within the recovery community. So, in regards to that- I've been absent on here way too long and I do apologize. I also apologize for not keeping up with all the other blogs that I used to follow. I will do my best to catch up.
Now, onto what I wanted to discuss. I did a bit of an experiment last year. I made a Youtube Video ( click to watch ) where I talked about how I felt about the concept of wanting to be anorexic. Not exactly the same as pro-ana but just the "decision" to be anorexic. Well, the experiment part was what I titled the video- I want to be anorexic/how to be anorexic- I wanted to see if this video got more hits than my other videos and holy shit did it. It currently is the most watched video on my channel with over 5,000 views. And over a year later ( one month ago ) I made a follow up video to see if the same thing would happen. And- big surprise ( sarcasm ) - the same thing happened. So far, I've accumulated about 1,100 hits and it's still rising faster than my other videos.
This is just a concept that saddens me. I am very aware of this issue. However, even though I am aware and familiar with this - it still brings up some strong emotions in me. I'm not going to lie- at one point in my early teenage years, I wanted to lose weight and "do the whole anorexia" thing. However, that didn't last long. By the time that my eating disorder literally had a hold on me- I had no choice-it wasn't "doing the whole anorexia thing"- it was the "fuck, this sucks thing". My eating disorder sneaked up on me. When I was focusing on losing weight and restricting "like I saw in the movies ( mostly lifetime ones that I will not name )" - I don't believe I was anorexic/eating disordered. As weird as it sounds, I feel like I was still in control. And then, life happened and I got distracted and stressed and that is when the eating disorder took over. Not by choice- not by intent- it just happened. I remember at Timberline Knolls, I told my dietician there that "I wish I had never purged the first time, etc" and she told me- well it would have come out in some for or another eventually. I'm not saying that eating disorders are a per-determined illness and that there is no way to prevent it if you have the right "genetic and environmental set up" but she had a point. With everything being the way that it was/had been- I would have ended up in some sort of dilemma revolving food at some point. Yes, could it have been prevented from getting as bad as it did? I'm sure it could have. I truly believe the saying that is something like this- nature loads the gun and the environment can pull the trigger- that's not the quote verbatim but you get the picture.
I've been pretty active on Instagram (guo791999 if you want to find me ) lately and the overwhelming profiles and posts that are "pro-ana/mia/suicide/self harm" is alarming. However, it's not any more than there used to be. It's just using a different interface now. It is now more accessible to people but we shouldn't forget that this concept has been around for decades if not longer. It used to be all over Xanga, Livejournal, other forums and websites. Now, it's just active through Tumblr and Instagram instead. It's a sad thought and I hate that my hypothesis was correct in what would happen by titling my two videos "I want to be anorexic" but it is what it is and I truly believe that these ideas and concepts are part of human nature and no matter what is done/blocked/etc- it WILL find a way to surface in some other form.
So, I'll leave you with just a simple message that I'm sure you've seen/heard/might be sick of but I'm saying it anyway-stay strong- things do get better. It takes time- but recovery is possible.
I've been triggered by many things- proana websites, thinspo, instagram, facebook, the internet, etc- however- my biggest trigger has always been- MYSELF.
But- I've stumbled across a new trigger- one I've never TRULY had. STABILITY- the one thing I've wished for for years upon years. I've always just wished things would settle down- that things would stop being so hectic - etc. AND NOW THINGS ARE STABLE.
I am 25- on a career path where it seems suitable and I enjoy it ( teaching- hopefully I'll be in a program to get my masters in secondary education soon )- in a healthy stable serious relationship. DARE I SAY- MY LIFE IS ...PREDICTABLE AND SAFE. This is what I've wanted This is what I used to always say I wanted.
I walked into therapy Monday - my therapist when she asked me how things have been- I told her this "I am bored" and she asks me what is boring and I reply- my life. I am used to things being utter complete chaos. I am used to never knowing what will happen to me tomorrow or when the next time I was going to have a break down would be. I am used to having almost NO control over my emotions. I'm ... none of these things anymore. Well- realistically I don't know what will happen to me tomorrow but it's no longer in a- I might die tomorrow type of way.
Life is moving forward for me- I have a plan. An achievable one this time - on that doesn't involve me losing [x] amount of pounds. Instead it involves me moving forward and having a real big girl career in something I truly do enjoy ( newsflash : I REALLY do like my job in teaching college prep ) and moving forward in a healthy way in my personal life. This is me growing up. This is scary shit guys. However- I need to remember- this is WHAT IS NORMAL- COMMON- everyone needs to go through it. I need to normalize what it is that is going on and realize- this is positive. But- there's that small nagging voice in the back of my head that just wants me to sabotage everything and go back to the familiar hospital/treatment/relapse state of life. However- a friend asked me if I was in risk of relapse and my answer was that as much as I sometimes wish I were in risk of relapse- I'm really not. Despite the disorder's best efforts- I'm still moving forward.
It's been well over a month- almost 2 since I've updated here. Looking back and just reading my past posts, I've realized what I had forgotten. I remember always telling friends and even myself when things were difficult that nothing stays the same for long.
Last year around this time- I was enrolled in graduate school, living in Atlanta, numb, anorexic, engaging in risky behavior among other things.
Today- I am packed to head off to Madison, WI to go visit, working part time, looking into getting my masters in secondary education, in eating disorder recovery and my mood is incredibly more stable. For a long time, I wanted to do and achieve everything on my own because people and relationships are ephemeral. Yet, I've realized that without people in my life- it's bland, boring, lonely and I can only get so far in recovery. I have an incredibly amount of support in my life right now- sometimes more accountability that I'd like...well, my eating disorder would like but at the same time- it keeps me on track.
My role in life- mostly my own and hopefully in others as well has changed. I'm no longer playing the sick one. I am playing a friend, daughter, girlfriend, cat mother ( haha... don't judge ). Part of this has helped me grow and recover. Realizing I am other things have motivated me and given me confidence that I can do other things as well.
Lately, I have had this feeling that with time- things will be okay. Part of this is frustrating because I am wondering why and when will things be that okay. I've also realized- that right now- I am okay. This okay feeling will just continue. Things will never be picture perfect and I don't expect it to be that way- all I want is to someday be okay...and I know I will be.
I left this morning at 9AM to go to therapy and then I ended up out all day. I'm so exhausted. My room is a fucking wreck.
There are clothes everywhere and my stuffed animals are all over my
room. I always get irritated and overwhelmed when my room is messy and
that makes me NOT want to pick up my shit. I just want to scream.
I left my head this morning at never and I ended up in it all fucking day. I'm so exhausted. My head is a fucking wreck. There are thoughts and emotions flying all over the place. I'm
irritated and overwhelmed and I just don't know what to do. I can't even
begin to process it but I will try...let's see what happens..
I have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder but my therapist isn't sure that I have it. She said- she knows immediately when she is interacting with someone with bpd and she doesn't get that feeling with me. Especially because my behaviors act up with intimate relationships. I can control my emotions to a much better degree in other relationships. So- intimacy issues now- great. We're working having me learn how to control my emotions in intimate relationships. How to breathe and take a step back before reacting. If I had done that...I probably ... wouldn't...be... in the situation I'm in right now.
I'm blocked ( literally- fb wise ) from talking to one of my closest friends- someone I used to talk to multiple times a day. Yeah, I haven't spoken to him other than one email exchange in over a month. I wanted to just email him last night and pretty much say- TALK TO MEEEEEE- I miss you...A LOT. However, I am respecting his space and it's probably better for me too ( okay, no- definitely better for me too ). Everything ended in a giant mess. I got hurt so I "walked away"- then I turned back and changed my mind but it was too late- I had already hurt him. So- glorious- we are both hurt. Now what? FUCK MY FUCKING LIFE.*side note* I was doing really well in regards to this situation and just not really letting it bother me...until yesterday- when I started getting in my head again. shit.
So, moral of the story- uh- uh...I have therapy again on Monday- I'll get back to you. heh. I just don't know where to go from here...however- I know I'll figure it out. Things seem so horrible in my head but I know in reality- I'm just really stuck in my head. Things are and will be okay...( now I have to repeat this over and over again to myself...)
My therapist from TK would be really proud of me right now- "crying Lisa didn't go away"- crying Lisa is staring at this screen right now wishing crying Lisa would go away.
The week was rough, to put it lightly. I went down to Emory ( my alma mater ) and spoke to a group of college students about my journey to recovery and what I believe can help others. I spoke about recovery. It's different this time. I want recovery.
I've been speaking about that a lot lately with others. Through whatever social media site it is- it's amazing to know that my experience can mean something to someone else. It still astounds me when someone tells me that I touched their lives. However, I love it when people send me emails or messages saying that I've touched their lives and they appreciate what I've said. Frankly, sometimes I don't remember certain conversations I had with someone and they thank me for what I said months later. These are the things that keep me going - with this blog and my YT channel. These are the things that help me push through the hard days when there is a camera shoved in my face ( for the documentary). These are the things that truly are helping me want to live again and have a future. So, for those of you who have contacted me- thank you. SO MUCH. It also goes the other way around. Other people can just say the smallest thing and it can make such a huge difference to me. I thank everyone who has listened to me bitch, cry, scream and just rant and speak. Emotions...yeah- that's a new concept to me. I can finally cry again after months of not being able to.
However, sometimes I feel like such a fucking fraud. Yes, I know- recovery isn't perfect. There will be lapses, hiccups and A LOT of screw ups along the way. However, I feel like I should be doing better. I worry that people see me as someone who is doing better than I actually am. I fuck up. A LOT. I'm far from being recovered. I'm fighting harder than I have before. A lot harder and that's what matters to me- I just don't want anyone to have a false impression of me.
I am human. I am recovering from an eating disorder- I have a TON of work left to do in therapy. I see myself being in therapy for quite a few more years if not longer. I have so much work left to do. Thinking about it sometimes is just overwhelming. I'm trying to just take it one day at a time. I just want to be honest with everyone about who I am and where I am in my recovery. I am 27 days self harm free and 3 days purge free. I can't say I'm following my meal plan to a T but I'm trying to get in the nutrition I need. I'm doing what I can for now and I have a long way to go. But I am going to do it. I'm going to make it. Why? Because I want to.
'Someday I'll Be Okay' is a documentary that follows 25 year old Lisa (ME!!!) on
her path to recovery from an eating disorder after leaving the safety of
residential treatment for the "real" world.
If
this trailer touches you in any way, please, please consider becoming a
funder through our indiegogo campaign. We can't do this without you.
March 1st 2013- It's a Friday morning at Lemont, IL- about 9:30 and after taking a few lost turns- I was walking into the admissions building at renowned treatment center Timberline Knolls. I had discharged from Timberline Knolls (TK) exactly 5 months ago on October 1st. I have already been called a veteran in eating disorder treatment. Why was I returning to the same treatment center I had spent almost 4 months of my life? For once, not because I had relapsed but I was back- as an alumni- a guest. One that was now shooting a documentary following her recovery process- Someday I'll Be Okay (SIBO)- and one that had been invited from the alumnae coordinator to be part of an alumni panel as an ending event for NEDAwareness Week.
I was given a guest sticker- before I even got a chance to stick it to my shirt- I heard my name being called- I turned around and it was the alumnae coordinator-Jena Morrow-( talented author, singer, etc http://www.jenamorrow.com ) and one of the eating disorder specialists that had led some of the groups I was in. I turned around and immediately was given a huge hug. Of course I wasn't going to turn down a hug from someone I really looked up to and liked. Afterwards, I was led to Dr. Kim's (Kimberly Dennis ) office- but not as a resident- as someone who was helping with the SIBO interview that she had agreed to do. Then we got a chance to interview Jena as well. She was then amazing enough to escort us around campus.
Jena and I
Later I would go to the art studio and was given a chance to mod-podge as I used to twice a week as a resident. Art therapy was one of my favorite groups at TK and other than process group- the only group I never missed. Not once. In fact, I went to every open art group that I could go to as well- which meant I was at the art studio around 3x a week. TK's art studio is amazing and one of the few art studios in the country ( for treatment ) where there is so much to do and one is allowed to do whatever they chose. Art was a group where I could just breathe and process things throughout a different venue. I made some things in art that were truly personal. I had a bad habit at first or rushing through things so I could have a finished project by the end of each session. I eventually learned to slow things down, breathe and be okay leaving the art studio without a finished project in my hands. I learned a lot of things in that room which apparently was an old barn heh. Every resident is given a clear stone with a word painted on it by their art therapist. When I left, I was given a stone with the word trust. I walked into TK not trusting anyone- I had the belief that I would be there long enough to "fix" myself. IE- learn how to want to live again- and then leave. I didn't intend to make friends, connect or gain any weight ( oh was I wrong- about all of them, especially the last one hah )
We were then escorted by Jena around campus and we filmed at a few places. It was nice because nothing was staged. The screen shots that we got were all candid. The conversations I had with Jena weren't even prompted. I just had a great time bonding with her. She seriously is a great support as well as just all around- a fun person.
Bridge at Timberline Knolls ( this was NOT staged- we're just that awesome)
After that was the alumni panel. That wasn't all that eventful. I was lucky enough to see my friend Maddie there. I haven't seen her since I had left TK in October. Seeing her was amazing and nostalgic. On top of that nostalgia- seeing some of the staff members that really made a difference in my life also hit me harder than I thought. I was sitting up in the dining hall with a bunch of eyes on me ( well that and on crochet hooks...[inside TK story] ) when I got an overwhelming urge to burst into tears because I was jealous of the girls that were wearing their pajamas holding weird looking white hats and carrying around a Timberline Knolls tote. I still have the tote, in fact, I have it with me right now but I don't use it to carry around the blanket or scarf I'm crocheting. Oh yeah- and the notes I got from group... but mostly yarn. I just got really emotional but I couldn't exactly burst into tears while on an alumni panel. Afterwards- I ran towards the staff members that really made a difference in my life and basically tackle hugged them. They told me how proud they were of me and that put a huge smile to my face. I gave Maddie a hug and I left campus. This time in a car heading towards my apartment in Chicago. Last time I left TK was in a big white van heading towards transitional living in Chicago. Things have changed. A LOT.
I spent about an hour later that night crying because I missed TK so much. However, going back to TK really helped remind me why I wanted to get better when I left. I wanted to go back and work at TK. I forgot about that goal. Well, not forgot but it had become a distant thought. It's back on the forefront. I had been struggling for the last few days about if all this hard work regarding recovery is worth it- if I was in recovery or relapse or just limbo. I haven't been perfect lately- in fact- far from it. My body image is down the shithole. I haven't been sober of all behaviors but yet- I have more good days than bad days. That's what matters.
As long as the trend of having more good days than bad days continues- I'm okay with it. I do want to go back to TK- however, not as a resident- I want to go back as an alumni for a while- and then hopefully, if it's still what I wish to do in the future, as part of the staff.
I miss Timberline Knolls, I can't deny that. Timberline Knolls changed my life- in fact- saved my life.
Going back with a guest badge- not going to lie- it seems surreal. But it's not. I am now a guest, an alumni- I am no longer a patient. It is not a place I need to be anymore. I needed it at one point. In fact, if I hadn't had it- I don't know where I would be.
For now though- I will stick with what it is I have. It's working for me. I just need to breathe more and stay in the present.
February 24th-March 1st is NEDAwareness (National Eating Disorder Association ) Week. These year's theme is "Everybody Knows Somebody" I'm going to share part of my story below. There are a few very personal things about my life that I have never mentioned online (whether it be through here or youtube).
8 treatment centers. 1 ICU stay. 1
hospital stay. This has been my last 3 years. My name is Lisa Guo. I
am 24 and a 2010 graduate from Emory University. I worked hard
throughout all 16 years of my schooling. However, I haven't been able
to put this hard earned degree to good use. Instead, I spent the last
3 years after my graduation in and out of treatment for an eating
disorder. I can't remember a time in my life where food wasn't at
least on the back of my mind. My first behavior started at age 14 and
it's been a spiral ever since then. Up until 2010- my behaviors were
consistently inconsistent- from 2010 to 2012- my behaviors were out
of control.
I was admitted to my first treatment
center fresh out of graduation from college in June of 2010.
Everything since then has been treatment, a job I never kept because
I had to go back into treatment and the cycle just repeated. I soon
realized that it was either recovery or death.
Death didn't scare me at this point. I
had been struggling with suicidal thoughts for quite some time and
honestly at times, death seemed like to be the best option
In May of 2012 I got accepted into a
masters program for clinical mental health counseling. Irony huh? It
was also in May that I got an abortion and a DUI. A few days after my
arrest I decided that if I were dead, things would be easier for
everyone around me. I didn't see it as a selfish act- instead as me
being selfLESS. I had been hoarding my medication for a long time as
a safety blanket. I impulsively took as many as I could and laid down
on my bathroom floor ready for the struggle to be over. I woke up a
few days later in the ICU.
I spent the next week or so re-learning
how to walk and basically every necessary motor skill to stay alive.
The one thing I didn't learn was how to nourish my body. I was then
shipped off to treatment AGAIN. I had promised myself to never have
to go back to treatment however, this time- I had no choice. I was
admitted to Timberline Knolls in Chicago and spent the first month
angry and frustrated that I was alive. However after spending 4
months there and then 3 months stepping down levels of treatment.
This time discharging was different than the other 7 times- I left
behavior free and with motivation to recover. This was a new concept
to me.
I am ready to live my life and I no
longer want to die. A big part of my recovery has been advocacy and
being active in the recovery community. I learned that the recovery
community welcomes everyone with open arms. I had been making youtubevideos and blogging about my recovery for a few years, so I was aware
of how supportive the online community was. However, just like any
other community- there were triggers and it was something I had to
watch out for. But, I had never really looked into the REAL life
recovery community. Since then, I have become involved with Project Heal and am taking part in a documentary called "Someday I'll Be Okay" that will hopefully be out and ready
to view by NEDAwareness Week next year in 2014.
Being active in the community has
helped me realize that there is hope, there are success stories out
there and that it IS possible. For the longest time, I didn't think
recovery was for me- I just thought I wasn't strong enough and that
others could do it but me- no, I was terminally unique and just wasn't
strong enough. However, I was wrong - I AM strong enough. Since realizing this-
I have been invited to be a speaker in an event on Emory's campus to
share my story and help spread hope about recovery and am taking part
in an alumni panel for Timberline Knolls. These amazing opportunities
are things I had only dreamed of doing and now that I have the
chance- I am taking them and not looking back. Now that I have seen a
little bit of recovery, I want more of it. All of the trauma, pain,
struggle and fighting has been worth it. I don't regret and wouldn't
take back anything that I've been through no matter how painful it
was/is because I wouldn't be who I am today. I wouldn't have an
amazing story to share and I wouldn't have the self awareness that I
do.
It has been a long and intense journey
these last few years. I have had a lot of help and support. I have
gained many friends and at the same time- lost many friends but in
the end- as I said before- it has all been worth it. Recovery is
worth it and it IS possible. Hope is out there- I just had to believe
it and want it. I know I will be fighting for a long time-
potentially the rest of my life. I am no longer dreading this fight
but ready to take it on full force with the knowledge that I can win
in the end.
1 out of every 2 people know someone struggling with a eating disorder or are struggling themselves. So in honor of this year's theme ( Everybody Knows Somebody )- to everyone out there- if you know
someone who is struggling- give them a hug, let them know you believe
in them and support them through their fight. If you are currently in
the fight, given up for now or feel like giving up- know that you're
worth it, people believe in you ( even if you don't think so ) and
that there is HOPE and that recovery is possible.
As you guys know- I've been struggling with an eating disorder and self harm issues for years. I've been to my share of treatment centers. I actually left my last center against medical advice but I was just done. I was done with life in treatment for once. Treatment provides a very safe environment and a safety bubble thus, sometimes, it's hard to leave treatment. I feel like there's a fine line between being in treatment too long/too many times (thus, being too scared to leave ) and being there just long enough to get the amount of help one needs.
The transition from the safety of inpatient/residential treatment to the "real" world is a difficult one. Much more difficult that I ever expected. I am taking part in a documentary called "Someday I'll Be Okay" -( the official webpage link is here ) that follows my life as I transition from the safety of treatment to the "real" world.
We started filming at the beginning of the year and we will continue to film until around the fall season. We are hoping to have this documentary picked up by a distributor and out by Eating Disorder Awareness Week of 2014. Eating Disorder Awareness Week is always the last week of February.
Back to the documentary- we are running an indiegogo campaign to help fund some of our traveling and for production costs. The link is Indiegogo Campaign. There are two sneak peek clips on the indiegogo site. We can't make this happen without your help! We have a lot of really important people investing their time for this documentary. With your help-this film will be epic and hopefully can make a big difference.
We have Dr. Kim Dennis on board - She is the CEO/Medical Director of Timberline Knolls.She is also on the editorial board of Eating Disorders: the Journal of
Treatment and Prevention. Dr. Dennis contributes regularly to news
networks, such as ABC News and CNN, other national press such as the
Huffington Post, Chicago Tribune, Boston Globe and WebMD, and
professional magazines such as Addiction Professional and Behavioral
Healthcare. She contributes a monthly column to Daily Strength.
She has been featured on TLC Discovery Channel’s “My Strange Addiction”
and ABC’s “20/20.” In 2011, she was featured in NORMAL in Schools'
DVD "ED 101" and in the documentary "America the Beautiful 2: The Thin
Commandments."
We have Jena Morrow on board as well- She is the Timberline Knolls Alumni Coordinator and author of the memoir Hollow: An Unpolished Tale,
from Moody Publishers. Jena travels around the U.S. sharing her
recovery story and delivering a message of hope and freedom from
disordered eating and distorted self image.Jena has participated in panel discussions at various conferences and
universities, and has shared her recovery story on such broadcasts as Midday Connection, Chris Fabry Live, and Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman.
Once again- we can't do this without your support. Fiscally or just emotionally- either I will accept and forever love you for.
We also have a facebook page ( link is here) - feel free to "like" us if you want to follow our progress throughout the production.
So, it's February 14th again. That wonderful day of the year where fuck buddies lovers buy condoms and pregnancy tests roses for each other and think about how great their sex love has been while knowing each other.
Is the topic of sex ever boring? Nah. So, l'm going to blab about it. Sex can be fun but can also be very hard on me. No pun intended. Sex has it's positives- it can make you feel desired, wanted, needed...an affirmation I know many people, including me, desire. Most importantly for me, sex has been about making the idiot sleeping with me my partner happy. Not going to lie- there's a deep satisfaction that comes in (no pun intended either- keep laughing ) knowing that you've satisfied someone.
That being said- I'm a girl. I've faked orgasms. I have probably faked all most of my "orgasms" in my almost 9 years of being sexually active. If you are an ex "I've gotten into Lisa's pants" person...- and did not know this about me- I'm sorry you had to find out via internet. Please don't call me and yell at me. I only did it for your ego. Get over yourself. K. Onto the more important stuff.
Sex is a weird thing- it can either open up old wounds, make new ones or potentially heal wounds.
Reasons I havehad sex- in order of most common to least common or never rarely.
I feel obligated.
I feel guilty
I don't know any other way to make said partner happy anymore
I am scared he/she/it ( jk about the it ) will leave me
I want to keep he/she/it around
I am drunk and feel all the reasons above
I am drunk and just...drunk
I am bored
I am horny
I want to
Did any of these reasons help me heal ANY old wounds? I can pretty definitively say NO. They pretty much just opened all old wounds and made new ones on top of that or... got me pregnant. Not funny. That can be for another time. Wow, I'm really opening up in this one. Guess I'm feeling all nice and warm from that vodka loving atmosphere in the air. No really, I'm not drunk. I'm just awake at 2 AM writing about this elusive act called fucking the shit out of each other making love. (or I just might make really sarcastic awkward comments when I start to feel awkward...)
Now that we've covered all the reasons that sex has FAILED me in the past- let's make a list of all the reasons I have sex now ( haha...let's be realistic-...currently- I am currently laying in my bed ...with my cats and... no warm gushy wonderfully naked male specimen so we'll go with future- and the only male I feel like having sex with in my life is...well...that got awkward fast-let's just keep going with future ) and the reasons why sex is NOT a massive mindfuck and can actually HELP my mood and...life...or whatever.
I want to
I am bored and I want to
I am horny and I want to
I am drunk and I want to
uhm...I want to.
OH AND IT FEELS GOOD. yup. I'm done faking it- it being orgasms- so if whoever you are- wind up fucking making dear sweet love to me and I .. am silently bored- then spice up your game or let me make my to-do list in my head while you orgasm. That's fine too- I have to make that list at some point... and if I sound like that lady who was behind me in line at the grocery store the other day ( don't ask- I swear to whatever is holy she was orgasming behind me- yes- i felt very awkward. )- then you're doing good job- keep doing what you're doing.
So, I think the point I am trying to make here is- If I like you and want to fuck you get to know you better, let's have lots and lots of sex have deep conversations ...and moonlit dinners and walks on the beach? wtf. huh.
Happy Valentine's Day y'all. I get to see my cats, roommates and...the most important person in my whole freaking life- my legal drug dealer ( my psychiatrist ).Other than that- I think I'm going to go about my lovely day laying in bed watching 2 Broke Girls with my cats. Speaking of being broke- I superglued my shoe back together today. It was epic. Sigh- my life is sad.
oh and also- use condoms, take your birth control, go buy that Plan B ahead of time or have the awkward "what will happen if I get preggo" talk.
I know I am here. Physically. However, I don't
always feel human. Sometimes, I am a body that is just walking and talking. I am
an animated consciousness. I recognize the world around me. I recognize myself - from afar It's as if my consciousness is taking a step back outside of my body. Not only am I disconnected from my emotions, but I'm disconnected from my physical self. It's like walking through a lucid dream where nothing feels real but you are still aware that you control the direction and movement of events.My body functions to live. Just to live. Nothing else. I fade in and out. I leave my body and then I come back. In other words- I'm numb, then overwhelmed, then numb again. It's a cycle. It's tiring. very tiring. It's a cycle of intensity- black and white. nothing grey.
When I'm in this state- my emotions are dead. I become numb. I had a moment this morning of feeling- I told a good friend that I
missed him and that for some reason really hit me hard-
unfortunately it didn't snap me back into my body for long. Just for a
few short seconds. My chest tightened up and I think one lone tear
rolled down my cheek. Then I was gone again. And here I am. Going in and out of what I call- "emotional consciousness". When I feel
detached from my own body, it only makes sense that others wouldn’t be
attached to me when I am not even attached to myself. I have an intense fear of being forgotten. My theory- out of sight, out of mind. If I’m not around, or I am not in some form of
contact/communication with them, I don’t exist in their world. Do you know how many times I've wanted to tell someone that I feel as if I weren't in their face- they wouldn't even remember my existence? I always have to hold myself back from those exact intense words. I have an
extraordinarily hard time holding onto the thought that people remember
me, hold me dear or care for me when I am not in their physical
presence. This creates a
feeling of panic and loss for something that may actually be there and I
need to find a way to reaffirm these feelings in myself and others
every time I am back in contact with them. It’s a maddening cycle of
doubt, loss, connection and disconnection. I think, when things get too intense- when this cycle is running in overdrive without any pause- I leave my body and brain.
In therapy, I was told that this happens to protect me. This happens when overwhelming emotions become too much to handle Something will be so excruciatingly taxing--- I'll be so emotionally worn out, that I'll suddenly notice that I no longer feel much at all. When overwhelming emotions become too much to handle, I can no longer compartmentalize everything. Things start to blur together. I don't know what goes where. It's like I'm a toddler and trying to shove a triangle in the hole that is shaped like a circle. Things are out of wack- out of control in my head.
I need something to make me feel- even if it's just physical. That's one of the reasons I cut. It helps me remember that I am human. It fails me when it's not enough.to bring me back. I hate being here but yet it's safe. I can't be hurt here.
"But
you're still in there, Lisa. You're tucked away in a corner looking
back on yourself, but you can still reach your on body again" K
I'm too scared to reach my own body. I hate being in this place but to me leaving means instability. Nothing seems safe. It's overwhelming to me right now. Maybe I'm just not ready yet. Maybe I should just stay where I am.
When I was in treatment 2 years ago around this exact time ( February 2011 ) - we had two assignments.
To write a letter to your body
To have your body write a letter back to you.
My first thought was ..."wtf- how do I have my body write back to me? I don't have multiple personalities, wtf" but then I started writing- and it just flowed .
I made a video last night that goes with this letter
-----------------------------------------------
Dear Lisa,
I forgive you, even though I shouldn't.
You've put me through hell and back. I won't leave you- despite your
most futile attempts to get rid of me. I will not disappear. You have
abused me in so many ways in the 24 years of your life. You have
starved, hurt and mistreated me. Despite this, I will fight to stay in
your life. Why? Because you ARE worth it.
My legs, they were meant for carrying
you around this god-awful world. They aren't too big. They're
supposed to touch at the thighs. Stop wishing they didn't. Your legs
aren't too long or too short. Your height is just fine. Also, stop
being so mean to your legs- put the razor away. Your legs move you
forward in life- literally. Appreciate them.
My arms- well without them, you
wouldn't be able to write this letter or anything for that matter.
They're not fat, they are just fine the way they are. It's okay, you
don't need Michelle Obama arms. Again, stop being so mean to your
arms. Stop taking a razor to them. They deserve better. Appreciate
them.
My hands, you've always been okay with
them. Thank you for that. Just please get a manicure at some point in
the near future. Thank you for appreciating them.
My feet, well they're small enough that
you can wear children's shoes. That makes shopping easier and your
wallet happier. Appreciate them.
My stomach- moment of truth. Stop
hating on it. It holds what keeps you alive. It holds the energy to
keep going with life, it's called food. Stop hating on food as well.
Your stomach isn't meant to be flat as if it were photoshopped. Love
it for what it is. Just try and learn to appreciate it. I know it's
hard, but just try.
My eyes- well without those thick
glasses, they wouldn't work. So thank you for getting glasses, at the
ripe old age of 5. Your eyes, well they're Asian. Just like you- your
lashes will never be luxuriously long. Thank you for not putting the
fake glue stuff on it. Also, try not to wear your eye make up to bed
so often. If you continue to do so- you might lose the little vision
you have. So, appreciate your eyes, even for the little vision they
give you.
My nose, other than those annoying
blackheads that don't seem to ever go away, you've never complained
about it. Thanks for appreciating it.
My mouth, well without it you couldn't
be the loud person you are. How would you cause the ruckus you do
without your mouth? It makes you who you are. Without it, you
wouldn’t be able to tell that bitch in the corner to please
just STFU. Without it, you wouldn't be able to tell that non-existent elusive
boyfriend of yours that you love and care for him. Appreciate that you can do that.
My boobs, well. Stop wishing they
were smaller. That's not possible. They're barely there are it is. You're a grown woman, they aren't going anywhere. Just learn to
accept them for what they are and like them. Men do, or so they say.
My hair- stop flat ironing it. You're Asian, your hair is straight enough. Stop dying it black, you're Asian- it's already black. Appreciate it for what it naturally is.
My brain, well. Sometimes you like it,
sometimes you don't. Just accept it.
And last but not least my scars- don't
let them embarrass you. However, stop making friends for them to play
with. They have enough of them. Leave them alone. Appreciate the
story they tell but stop adding onto the past stories and leave them
be.
All in all, so even though you hate me
sometimes- I forgive you. Just please try to appreciate me.
Welcome to my brain- I advise you to get out- NOW.
-Borderline individuals feel emotions more easily, more deeply, and for longer than others do.
When I feel something- I feel it down to my core- whether I like it or not. FUCK MY LIFE. Individuals with BPD are especially sensitive to feelings of rejection, isolation, and perceived failure. Before learning other coping mechanisms, their efforts to manage or escape from their intense negative emotions can lead to self-injury or suicidal behavior
I've finally got the suicidal thoughts under control- THANK GOD.
People
with BPD are often aware of the intensity of their negative emotional
reactions and, since they cannot regulate them, shut them down entirely.
Well, I either feel something down to my core- or I don't feel anything at all. No middle ground. I will feel so intensely that I will shut down because it's too intense. Then nothing can bring me back unless it's another intense situation. Lovely cycle I have going on there. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
A BPD diagnosis was strongly associated with a
combination of three specific states: 1) feeling betrayed, 2) “feeling
like hurting myself”, and 3) feeling completely out of control.
Is this person reading my journal? Stop it. 1. You walked away- thus, you betrayed me. 2. You betrayed me- thus, I'm going to hurt myself 3. You walked away, betrayed me and I hurt myself- I STILL miss you, thus- I'm out of control.
I LIVE off control. I NEED control. I HATE not having control.
Individuals with BPD can be very sensitive to the way others treat
them and feelings about others often shift from positive to negative after a
disappointment, a perceived threat of losing someone, or a perceived
loss of esteem in the eyes of someone they value.
You're definitely going to leave me so I'm going to walk away first because you suck now. WAIT WHAT!?! Who said they were leaving me? NO ONE. WTF.
While strongly desiring intimacy, borderline individuals tend toward insecure, avoidant or ambivalent, or fearfully preoccupied attachment patterns in relationshipsand they often view the world as generally dangerous and malevolent.
Can I have a hug, oh wait- no I don't really want one. ( but no really, I do ) Oh, it's okay- don't worry about it ( YES WORRY ABOUT IT ) - okay seriously, say what YOU THINK. Stop beating around the bush.
Don't ask me what's wrong. Just wrap your arms around me and let me know that you're there. That's all I want.
Take care of yourself. Do what you need to do with your life, It's okay if I am no longer in it. You''ll forget me- It happens. I'll deal. No matter what, I just want you to be okay.
I just want to be okay too.I just want someone who can put their own struggles aside for just one moment--one moment to let me know that I matter too.
I want to be okay. I want you to be okay too. And if that is me being left behind. It's okay- it's worth it. I want you to be okay. I can handle it. I'm used to it. You need a life change and I'm part of your old life. I've heard this before. I can handle it. I can handle anything- I'm on my own this time. Again.
What would I tell myself? I would tell myself one thing
Feeling are ephemeral, so is life. We’re here one moment and we’re gone the next. If you keep living trying to protect yourself, nothing is every going to touch you.
I've actually been struggling quite a bit recently- it's a hard hole to
get out of. I feel so helpless and useless to those around me that are
also struggling.I want to fix things- I want to help others, but I know I can't. That's painful for me. I am so angry at this disorder and how much it sucks
out of beautiful intelligent people. I just want to like myself and not feel so lonely and stuck in my own head. I want to be alone but yet I want someone to be with me.
I'm so damn tired of fighting this battle. I feel like I can't do it anymore- I refuse to go back to treatment- I'm theraparized out. I'm sick of intensive therapy but it would be nice to feel "safe" again- to feel like I am being taken care of and to now have to worry about all the complicated parts of growing up.
In the last year- my life has changed so much. However, that just reminds me- things are always changing- nothing is permanent. Good things are permanent but yet that means bad things also aren't permanent. Life is always changing.
For everyone out there that's struggling with something- hang in there. Please don't give up.
This was a prompt for one of my groups while in treatment.What I Secretly Want: The very first thing that came to my head was
"to be a wife and mom" !(@*&!P(*#&!(P@*!
WHAT?! NO.
you're probably thinking- why is that what you secretly want- don't most people want relationships...well... wanting a family is not how I was raised or what I've been aiming for in my 24 years of life. My entire life has revolved around an education which was supposed to lead to a career. NOT NEEDING RELATIONSHIPS with people- not for personal reasons. OH NO- that is NOT OKAY. It is okay to have a career as a goal- it's not okay to want a family as a goal. I can want a family- sure- why not- but not REALLY "want" it- I can't let any sort of happiness/emotions ride on relationships- my happiness is only allowed to ride on what I can control. But, yet- that's not how it's working- I guess that's not how life works...
So, when that was the first thought that came to my head- i panicked, left the group room and didn't go back ( yes, very therapeutically productive- I know ). It's scary. It's scary as hell to know that what I want-deep down- is someone to take care of me and someone for me to take care of. I want something stable and this involves...NEEDING OTHER PEOPLE ( this is a concept I've fought for a long time with my therapists ). Needing someone- having needs, that makes me needy and high maintenance- I don't want to be that. But, I am- I have to accept that. I am needy. I am a sensitive person and I ... have needs ( that painful to type...) I want someone to hold my hand, someone to hug me and tell me that it'll all be okay ( and that too was painful to type...)
A career goal is concrete- I can work hard at it and achieve it. I can't "work hard" on relationships and have a family, relationships, etc come out of it. There is no formula for it. Nothing is guaranteed..it's completely out of my control.
A career/educational goal isn't. I study for a test- the time and quality of my studying should correlate directly with my exam score. Yeah- that's not how it works with relationships- someone else is involved- it's not something that I can complete control over. It's not concrete. IT IS SCARY. It's growing up. It's part of living in the real world where things are more than just me and what I can control.
So, now that I've realized this- what am I supposed to do about it? There isn't anything I CAN do about it- that's another annoying thing about wanting relationships with people and needing people in my life- I can't force it. I don't have control- I have to just let it happen. Newsflash people- I'm not a very patient person.
Guess this is a test for me- a test of whether or not I can move past my control freak ways and learn to just live and let go.
Well- I guess what I want is no longer a secret- now I just have to be able to admit it to others...when appropriate. Okay, mostly- I have to admit and accept it MYSELF because I'm still thinking - "NO LISA, IT IS NOT OKAY TO WANT THAT- IT IS NOT OKAY TO REALLY WANT A FAMILY"
"Feeling are ephemeral, so is life. We’re here one moment and we’re gone the next. If you keep living trying to protect yourself, nothing is every going to touch you."
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