a bit of color

Every once in a while. Each day, no matter how bad the day is, I tend to forget the glimpse I get each day, if even for a second of my changes in attitude. Not only seeing grey but color. 

I realize I can never reach a state where I will be perfectly not needy. I do have needs that I have the right to ask for, I just don't know what when my needs are justified, I don't know if I'm needing too much or trying to be too independent. I feel like it's such a fine line...

A tremendous burden is lifted every once in a while as the tide of my self-hatred slowly ebbs. I can find times in my day where I don't know if I would say I am happy but I am truly laughing-ironically enough it's usually with the girls at ACE.  For a certain moment each day I get a small taste of what it feels like to have a peace of mind. I need to remind myself of those moments more often. Some days they may not last more than 5 seconds but those 5 seconds are 5 seconds I need to cherish.

I cannot keep regulating my emotions by ignoring solid food. I can't drink smoothies, v8 fusion and liquid calories forever.  When will I feel comfortable enough to keep those 5 second moments a bit longer. When will I be able to comfortably ask for what I want knowing it's okay. I need to figure out what I need, what is too much and what is not enough?

I'm lucky in the sense that I feel the support system around me helps me know when I'm asking for too much or when I'm upset because I NEED MORE. I forget this so many times in a day. I forget how much support I have from the people that care about me, from the people that are willing to drive 20 minutes away at midnight because I'm stupidly panicking, etc. I forget about all these things and instead feel embarrassed it even had to happen bc I wasn't strong enough to do it myself. 

NOW is where i take a step back...and realize... it's okay for people to come to my rescue occasionally. They wouldn't come if they didn't care and want to. I've made it very clear to those around me, I don't want them in my life out of any obligation. The idea of "wanting my boyfriend to want to do the dishes, so just doing them isn't good enough".... I want the people in my life to WANT to be in my life....not just doing it out of pity, olbligation, etc. And as far as I know, the people I trust and lean on the most... want to be here for me. ( now repeat this to yourself and bookmark this blog Lisa...and read it 1000x a day )