where is the inbetween?

If I care about something that I'm doing- I obsess to make sure I'm doing it as perfectly as I can. If I mess up, I wind up in tears. I specifically remember a regatta from last spring. I can specifically remembering calling a sprint too early because I got confused ( I'm sure I made a lot of other shit calls as well ) but I remember specifically fucking this one up and our boat didn't make it to grand finals. I didn't want the guys or coach seeing me cry because I didn't want to seem melodramatic. I was in tears and sobbing my eyes out  in a corner until I got called over for a boat discussion or whatever those were. I wiped away any tears I had and just sucked it up. I failed. 

If i don't care enough about what it is I'm doing- I don't give a shit. If I'm taking a class and I don't think it's worth anything to me, I won't try and will skim by with whatever grade I get. When I was younger and forced to take flute lessons, I was never that good because I never practiced. I didn't care if I was 1st or last chair. It made no difference to me ( at times, that went in and out ) But the point is

I either failed or I did it in the best way possible. Shouldn't there be an inbetween? Why is it others can see the inbetween and I have such a hard time seeing it? Why do I cling onto one side or the other? I know I do, but why? 

After I got in my car to drive back to the house the crew team was staying at, the 4 guys from my boat...apologized TO ME. I was baffled as to why. I didn't open my mouth because no way in hell was I going to let 4 guys 3 years younger than me see me cry about something I had done wrong that I thought was one of the sole reasons we didn't make the cut. I am still to this day baffled as to why THEY apologized to me. I was too scared I'd cry to ask. I couldn't cry. No matter what I was not going to let them see me cry. 

The worst all or nothing example I have clung onto for years and years is emotions. I had a friend call me out on "ignoring all my emotions until I couldn't anymore". Not a far cry from the truth. In fact for the last few years, I aspired to be perfect in all my emotional expressions involving males. Never too attached or needy. That's my worst fear- seeming to need someone. Even needing a good girlfriend was/still is difficult. Picking up the phone and asking someone for help- takes so much out of me- because I feel if I have to need someone else to help me pick up some pieces, I must have failed at it myself- I need to not have needs. But as I'm learning, that's completely impossible unless I were a rock. Even amoebas have needs. I'm learning from my kittens. Isn't that horrendously pathetic. Even these little things have emotions and get upset ( and annoyingly meow at me ) which gives me the okay to also have emotions and get upset. Dr. Moore sent me a beautiful email today after I sent him an email thanking him , etc. I cried for a good hour after getting it. Then after ACE, dinner, whole foods, I drove home from the Emory area bawling the entire way home. I let myself cry and did not beat myself up for it. Did I feel any release or any better afterwards? I am not sure. I don't think so. I just cried bc I felt heart-broken. I want to still see him, i trusted him w/my life. 

I've learned to pick up the phone in times of crisis, but only when I really have tried every coping skill in the book do I turn to others. I'm finding that it's much more easy to just rely on someone I trust and ask for help occasionally. It's okay to ask for help but it's not okay to rely soley on help. Another grey area I need to look into and I'm trying. Learning to lean on others for help and ask for it going into it not assuming they think I'm needy. I've been on the other end of the spectrum, that is one place I refuse to go ever again. That might be the biggest insult anyone can give me- needy.