A Clockwork Orange

I by no means am recommending this book or the Stanley Kubrick's rendition of the book on movie ( as it is quite different ) I, didn't love the book but one thing that just struck me about the plot/scenario of the book was the scene/part of the book where the main character who was bolding raping, robbing and committing all the crimes that society sees as horrendous. Eventually he is caught, and what is done to him is what is called "classical conditioning"For hours he was forced to sit through scenes of horrible violence. This was a form of negative reinforcement so that the hopeful result was that he would never be able to stomach the site of violence again.

But... the result is not what was optimal. The man came out barely a man. He was a shell, incapable of even the basics of living- he had no confidence, could not gain even a muster of assertiveness or self defense. The classical conditioning robbed him of his humanity, sure he was no longer performing acts of violence but his essence was also taken away.

I'm terrified that all this intensive therapy may be taking away a part of me that really is me. What if the "spunky, bitchy" Lisa is gone forever. I don't have the same self expression problems that many have. I do have indeed have problem self expressing but in quite a different way. Letting go of my old self without a clear idea of exactly what's coming out on the other end daunts me. There are no guarantees things will be better. All I know is that I crashed-- hard and my lifestyle was no longer sustainable so something had to be done, but at what cost?

I'm starting to doubt almost all decisions I make as it seems they're always coming back to kick me in the ass, maybe I am incapable of making correct choices now. NO. NO. this is not true ( now I have to tell myself this 1000x ) and if I take a risk and it backfires, I tried. I guess.

I don't know. that simple. I don't know. I'm letting go and we'll see where I end up.