Backtracking or Growing?

I have a legitimate concern. I'm not having extremely overwhelming horrifyingly angry emotions at this moment when I easily could be having them. This amount of emotion I'm feeing regarding a situation where I could be extremely upset...I'm not. I'm just disappointed. Nothing more. I wish I could have seen him tonight but completely understand why. That simple. But of course now...I'm worried that I'm just blocking emotions because it's easier. Or ...is therapy and me trying to be honest and do things differently this time around making my emotions legitimately more controllable and rational? Or am I doing the avoiding thing I used to do.

I consciously made the effort to avoid put any intense emotions in a box, superglue it shut and throw it out a window for so long that I started doing it without thinking. I made an effort to hide behind my carefully built strong emotional facade. I remember thinking at one point a year or so ago "I've faked this for so long that I think i'm becoming emotionless and this scares me"

What I've been doing all summer is to do the opposite of what that exact statement was and for a while since I had sealed off so many emotions, for a period of time all I felt was a horrible flood of emotions, intense intense ones.

Now I'm in a situation where I could just be irrationally pissed, untrusting, and just hide these emotions and be the old Lisa- the one who just didn't think about it and instead just drowned myself in other things until I couldn't handle it anymore.

But, all I'm feeling is disappointment and for the Lisa that's been with me this summer, I know that this emotion is a like 2 on my scale of intense emotions whereas a year ago, admitting a male disappointed me would be a 9 or something. I'm really just okay, not angry or pissed...just disappointed I couldn't see him tonight. I almost wish I could go back to be untrusting and pissed bc that's what I know how to deal with that ( i go for a run or engage in symptoms ) but...now I'm wondering if this is me growing and learning how to take a step back and think wisely and learning how to just take words for words and trust someone that has given me NO reason not to trust him.

OR...am I blocking emotions bc it's what I have so often subconsciously done this in situations with males so I could keep my emotional distance and never wanted to come off as needy. But, could it be that I am honestly thinking rationally and disappointment is really honestly truly the only emotion I'm feeling. I can deal w/disappointment when I understand why, so I'm dealing...

..but of course, I'm hesitant about trusting myself. not him. i believe him. (SHOCKER I KNOW) but me. what about this damn emotion? Is it legitimate or am I blocking off other ones. Am I learning emotionally, is therapy starting to help me build healthy relationships with people where I don't just push people away due to assumptions and...things become a self fulfilling prophecy because that's where I push it.

So...what I'm wondering..AM I REALLY GOING SOMEWHERE AND LEARNING or did I just fall back into my old habits when I found myself back in a similar situation where I feel vulnerably emotional.

My gut is feeling like I really am learning something, going somewhere but...what if I'm not....? I now have this self doubt that this lack of psycho-girl-ness (which I used to make a conscious forced decision not to be and took it too far-obviously ) and me just being rational is learning to trust and therapy making way.  Things are working, I'm learning how to handle things healthily... I'm not sure of what the exact difference is. I know there is a difference--I've been told, but I want to make sure I'm being healthy and not avoiding. I guess I have a something to talk about with Nancy M.... not that I didn't before.