tomorrow..

...is the day. I feel like tomorrow is judgement day or something. AND I feel stupid that I feel that strongly about tomorrow. I just want to know if what I'm doing is maintaining/losing/gaining. I have no control right now over it and....as NM asked me today "help me understand what is so important about the number"...--- it's the only thing I feel like I have control over. Something I know perfectly how to do. I know if I want to lose, what to do. I know if I need to gain, what to do. I know how to maintain...if I have my scale. If I can have that safety net to know. BUT...i don't have that safe object- the object that has kept me grounded for quite a while. I know it was a big big step in the right direction to give them away and learn how to be grounded without my scales. I know that means at least my rational side is wanting to recover.  I think. I just want this all to be over but I know that in my head I can't just make it over, it's not that simple. There's no quick fix. AGH


Today- individual was very very helpful. I spoke about how I hated how insecure I was about certain issues going on in my life when i have no reason to be. NM told me that my history gave me ample validity to feel insecure and to stop judging myself so harshly. She also had to remind me that as humans... AS MAMMALS- we have emotions and needs. UGGGHHHH

YANO WHAT I ALSO HAVE SUCH A HARD TIME sitting still with. Whenever anyone mentions love and the heart or emotions and the heart. THE HEART IS AN ORGAN, A MUSCLE that pumps blood to our bodies. Any emotions we feel are biochemical and come from OUR BRAIN. So our rational and emotional mind come from our brain. It's not like our heart is full of chemicals that get released when we're emotional and our brain is full of the rational chemicals. <-- just pointing out a pet peeve...

xoxo -Lisa

I feel like a kid doing the actions of a some-what adult

I'm 22. I've graduated from Emory. I have a degree. I never imagined this is where I'd be at 22. I didn't realize I'd be in a rehab facility...being in practically full time treatment.  I imagined that I'd either have a respectable job ( never thought I'd end up with a degree in Sociology.. )  or be in graduate school for a doctorate. I never imagined I'd be so "unfunctional" that jobs and school were both tried this semester and it only made me relapse and get worse.

I feel unrespectable and spoiled. I feel like I'm being a brat and living off "daddy's" money. I have friends that are younger than me or some that are my age and financially independent or at least partially. They are more adult like than me and yet younger than me. Just because I am lucky enough to have parents that are supporting me through recovery does not mean that I am okay with putting this all on my parents. This is my issue but they are paying for it. I feel as if I'm not moving forward in life the way I want to or the way I was brought up to be.

I have been brought up to want to have a successful and respectable career/life. Those are the only two things I truly want out of life. Many might say that want to be to loved or whatever. Sure that would be a nice accomplice to me being successful and respected.  Everyone wants to be loved and to be in a loving position with another person but even if I had that but was not successful in my career and respected in the same degree- i would feel as if my life was incomplete. I could never be just a housewife. I'm not even doing that right now. I'm just sitting on my ass most of the time...talking- literally- or listening...usually in a big chair somewhere in the metro ATL area- be it Decatur or Dunwoody.

I'm just being a kid- eating up "daddy's" money- literally. My money goes towards..gas...and food and symptoms...go me. Sometimes symptoms mean restricting so then I save money but then following my meal plan is by no means cheap or the awkward donut phase I've been on recently ( okay well that's not expensive, just stupid )

I just want to stop playing grown up and be one. I've been focusing on nothing but recovery for 5 god damn months. Why am I still basically doing IOP ( intensive outpatient ) at ACE? Sure, I've made changes, I've made behavioral changes, I've progressed but I feel like my progress is too slow for me. I'm so sick of this.

I WANT MY LIFE BACK. No , that's not true. I WANT A LIFE. I WANT A RESPECTABLE LIFE WHERE I RESPECT ME FOR WHAT I AM DOING AND I FEEL LIKE OTHERS RESPECT ME...and one where I am a true adult and doing things that are age appropriate for me.  I'm done running around like a little kid who has no idea what life is about. I can play the motions of an adult and keep myself alive, but I'm not doing anything like a true adult. I guess I won't be able to until all this shit gets more controllable.
xoxo -Lisa

Can I? Do I? What's the answer?

ambivalence suggest strong feelings in opposite directions. The word suggest you are torn between two courses of action. What are my flaws? Are they flaws? Can I accept them without judgement?

questions I get asked all the time and questions I ask myself. Simple answer to the last one-- NO.

Real answer- ...I hate my flaws.- highly unstable patterns of social relationships. - switch unexpectedly to the other extreme and angrily accuse the other person of not caring for them at all- highly sensitive to rejection, reacting with anger and distress to such mild separations as a vacation, a business trip, or a sudden change in plans. These fears of abandonment seem to be related to difficulties feeling emotionally connected to important persons when they are physically absent, leaving the individual with feeling lost and perhaps worthless- impulsive behaviors, such as excessive spending and binge eating. -NIHM


xoxo -Lisa

Medicine or Therapy?

Whatever society calls it- mind, character, personality- the human race likes to think we have something much more intricate than the science of our neurons and how they interact. So is this science the mind or the brain? Do the mind and the brain overlap? Are they the same thing? Science has proven that the brain works through neurons and chemical signals. One's mood is affected by these chemicals...being happy, sad or anxiety is a cause of a compound of neurotransmitters. Too much acetycholine + not enough serotonin = depression. So, this is a brain, where does it leave the mind? Does it have anything to do with chemicals or is it all how our environment has affected us? Is it logical reasoning or science? This leaves a lot of mind room. If bioloy researchers were able to explain how neuroses ( psychotics illnesses ) were caused and what the effect and cause were, if they were able to show exactly how chemicals caused thoughts... would the psychoanalysts put away all the theories about the adolescent, child mind, adult, id, ego bullshit and retire? Granted, psychologists are only left with so much. Rx's have indeed been part of recovery from mental illness. Rx's has been shown to be as much as 40% of a patient's recovery from mental illness. Thus, the psychologists only now play around a little over half of the job of what recovery is. Illnesses such as depression, bi-polar and general anxiety all have Rx's directly tied directly to them.

So psychologists talk about the mind and scientists talk about the brain. Is there an overlap?

Without the item that I have been attached to religiously for the past... year and a half. I'm definitely finding myself more anxious about my body and less confident about how I look w/out being able to see a number. I also find it both easier and harder to eat.  As much of an oxymoron this is... I find it hard to eat because I'm scared that I'll gain weight and won't know if I'm over-eating ( although, rationally I highly doubt I am... )  But it's also easier bc I can eat more stuff I enjoy without checking to see if I gained .5 lbs or however my weight fluctuates...yet I haven't done that.

I am actively wanting to restrict because I hate not knowing something- in this case- my weight. I really have given it all up to recover. Well, my 3 scales are sitting probably in the back of a friend's trunk and I can't really get them back and I know I shouldn't but... AGH.  I'm so fucking ambivalent about how I feel right now. If i feel more free or just panicky. Well, physically I'm pretty calm thanks to my nice meds ( thank you scientists and MDs... )...but mentally, I wish my brain weren't fighting w/me. or is it my mind? My brain is sending off chemical signals that are telling me what? Or is my mind or some ego state that hasn't been dealt with such as my adolescent or the id or something that's freaking out?

Natural Science vs. Social Science. Which wins? Or do they continue to fight a battle and eventually one gives in and they find that they both fit together...nicely like a puzzle. When will recovery make sense to me? is it my mind that is scared of sugar and fat in foods? Or is it my brain seriously saying my body doesn't digest sugar and fat well....

food fears are beyond me. i have many, but it is beyond me why I find it easier to eat a giant reese's cup than a full meal of say, chicken, broccoli, carrots and a roll or something. Maybe because I don't taste the latter.... go me. When did I stop enjoying cooking or baking and only use the microwave to cook. I have a kitchen... I'm not in a college dorm anymore, but yet I rarely cook unless it's to cook some diced already cooked frozen chicken or beef. What happened to growing up. I have a kitchen but yet I'm living food wise like I live in a dorm with no kitchen. I will never understand my relationship with food and things that revolve around food. 

xoxo -Lisa

uggh

I no longer have my scales. Excuse me while I have a heart attack now. or hopefully it means I get better quicker.  It's not about the number or the weight but the number has mentally been holding me back....from being physically where I need to be. I believe I've made a lot of progress behaviorally or at least being mindfull afterwards if I do relapse in that sense...and realizing what I did and apologizing.

But physically, weight wise. Something had to be done. I had to rid myself of the numbers jail that I was in... i didn't realize until now how....attached I was to my scale(s). Actually, no I did but...I'm glad they're gone but ... I'm..i'm ... feeling quite...anxious.


xoxo -Lisa

I don't know what I want, so don't ask me

"I dont know what i want, So dont ask me, cause im still trying to figure it out. Don't know what's down this road, i'm just walking trying to see through the rain coming down. Even though im not the only one, that feels the way i do. I'll be strong, i'll be wrong, but life goes on.  I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in this world."

I ask myself why? I don't have an answer, instead I get an overwhelming crash onto my head. It's never- ending. I truly believe that the answer to all the whys in the world is ... never- ending. There is no concrete answer EVER to why. The question why????? No one can figure out exactly why things happen. Why the effect of the cause is what it really is. Sure, scientifically there are reasons and theories...about why and formulas that help prove these things. But what about when it comes to human emotions? I learned a few years ago...that emotions weren't real. That it was chemicals in our brain that cause us to feel the way that we do. That love is a biochemical reaction...etc. And I can't help but still believe that... it's hard to think otherwise. Scientifically thinking...it makes a lot more sense than if it were just emotions. And our emotions do stem from our brain and our brain does just send off messages all the time... so that explanation makes complete sense to me...black and white. It's clear...but when it comes to how to deal w/these emotions and what they truly mean... well fuck. I don't know. Here comes in the grey.

Outside of recovery, I can't really figure out what I even want. I know I want to go to grad school. I have nothing else figured out. Nothing even about myself. I'm finding out more and more each day but I'm not exactly pleased with what I'm finding out. Because it's stuff that needs working on....and it's so overwhelming to work on these issues because I'm actually not just talking about them but real life working which causes me to have legit emotions. WHAT? lol. i do not deal well with emotions that I haven't braced myself for...


so I have no idea what I'm doing. I know ... it's ... i don't know. I know that my number one focus is getting out of this rut and hell hole...but I also want to learn how to live i this world without numbing out emotions or always having a safety net in place when the train wrecks. Sometimes maybe just take a chance and let things run it's course and whatever happens happens...maybe. maybe...
i still don't know what I want out of life. No actually I do. I know what kind of grad school I want to go to. I know what I want to do w/my life afterwards. I am career oriented and I've had this planned out for a while... I know where I want to be in 10 years. But personally, I have no idea. NONE. Personal goals have never been an issue for me. I've just ignored them, but then I think...maybe there should never be goals for that sort of thing and things should just run the natural course...and things happen and some of them might result in me crying ( OMFG i know )...but that's just life and sometimes ( okay a lot of times...) me taking things the wrong way and cognitive distortions..
xoxo -Lisa

Reminder to self: smile =)

I'm declaring today a good day. period. ( hopefully )

Recovering From An Eating Disorder: In Their Own Words

Starting Recovery

- click on the links. beautiful videos

xoxo-Lisa

TODAY

is going to be the most tiring and possibly most beat down day of my entire summer/fall....i don't get a break from ACE. 7 hours fucking straight...starting with the o so great 90 minute family session. God i can't wait...for that. not really. and then. individual where I have many topics to talk about that i don't want to talk about. Oh then i get to get weighed and I'm pretty sure I'll get lectured....then anxiety group and then DINNER. yay. hmprh.

and today is the day I find out if I'm going to be able to stay at ACE or if I'm going residential. wooo.. sarcasm. Can't wait to see how that goes. Nervous as shit to see how that goes actually.

xoxo -Lisa

insecurity

I hate this word. HATE IT. too bad I think I just found the root of my anxiety...and some of my impulsive freak outs.

at least now I know it's not...the situations I end up in are all pathetically train wreckish like but that a lot of it has to do with me. self fulfilling prophecy... i know that seems odd that that would make me feel better...but it does. It is reassuring to me that I am not the one picking bad people and bad situations and it's due to a feeling that can be changed and fixed. I won't be in bad situations with interpersonal relationships my entire life....even though I realized something about myself I really don't like...it is a bit relieving to know that this can be changed and worked on. And I also know that it's NOT just me that has these issues. It's a textbook bpd symptom and I'm around people that help me fix this.

I hate how insecure I really am. I seek validation when I don't need to. When I've been given no reason to feel insecure...I still do. I hit the god damn motherload. Make a note- talk to AMY and NANCY about this. fml. I'm insecure. Something I've always wanted to not be but this could the exact reasons I put up all my walls. DUH. fucking A. I'm finding out that I really am not who I thought I was...but...I'm learning... and even though I'm not liking a lot of the issues...at least now I know what to be working on in therapy. trust. insecurity...trust...issues... probably due to insecurities....

xoxo -Lisa

giving away

I decided. I'm going to give my (3) scales to a friend. I have realized that I've been at the weight ACE wants me at and I was okay with my body image but I am terrified of gaining a lb because I'm afraid I'll lose any self esteem I have and those around me will see me as fat even though this is the lowest weight I've been in my adult life. Lower than my "goal weight".... and I know I've been find at higher weights. ugh. irrational...I'm not sure if anyone noticed my weight loss bc I really haven't seen anyone since I started losing again...other than girls at ACE but I'm around them all the time at ACE so when you're with someone that much a few lbs can't really ...be noticed...I need to get away from the jail that my scale puts me in...and just be free from it. although I know it will make me more anxious...

and... the weight that ACE wants me at, I've been comfortable w/my body at that weight...it seems to just be a problem w/the number on the scale. I need to start judging how I look by my clothes and the mirror. I need the scale to go away.

but it's an addiction--knowing my weight. I don't know how much anxiety it will cause me to not know it except in my weekly weigh ins at ACE but I know right now the anxiety it's causing me is so exhausting..I need to do something about them.

UGH. but i know that giving them away is the right thing to do.....i just can't stand to think about parting ways with my scales that I use way too often a day...

xoxo -Lisa

i'm confused...

...i can't make complete sense of my thoughts. that simple. I wish I could. Where the hell did this come from? I wonder what triggered this from the very beginning. I know I've always had food issues...for a long time but why food? Why didn't i use drugs or other issues? I guess everything does leave a mark...but what left...this mark on me? I'm feeling still pretty empty but also my head is spinning.


xoxo -Lisa

AGHHHHH

Amy SB called Nancy M and told her about my pathetic pathetic attempt at my meal on Thursday night. If anyone can talk me into doing what i NEED to do, even when I don't want to AT ALL and making me realize what's going...it's Nancy M. I don't want to disappoint her. I feel like I had been really doing well and pleasing her ( and me...most of the time ) and then BOOM thursday, REALLY REALLY fell off the bandwagon. I was almost slightly content on sitting on the floor for just a little bit. just for a slight break from all the work I'm doing. But... now I can't. I emotionally just can't let her down. So now my physical body is screaming at me bc I'm forcing myself to do something...that I just don't want. I don't want it. But...it's what Nancy M is telling me I need to do and to be honest, I know it's what I need to do....I guess maybe I just needed the kick in the ass she gave me ( even tho she was very nice...therapists...how they do this shit, I don't know )

"Mechanical eating" is what I'm trying to do... as they call it. I just can't let Nancy M or Amy SB down after all my hard work. She hasn't called to "check in" with me for a while, so I immediately knew when she called, she knew what happened at meal on Thursday. The fact that she hasn't called to "check in" with me meant to me that I was doing better. I really really want to get back to where I was. It's hard. But I don't want to let her down. I don't know how a 45 minutes conversation slapped me toward the right direction but it did and now I'm about to...start hopefully moving in that direction. Thursday was so pathetic. Honestly, I had not felt that way ever. I had never felt that kind of discomfort where I honestly could not touch my food because I literally already felt full and a few sips of the wonderful supplement that I got made me feel grossly full. I just could not stomach my food....now I have to. I want to too but...i'm ambivalent about it but I really don't want to let my treatment team down...I'm more into not letting them down then taking care of myself...UGH.

I woke up this morning feeling extremely empty. Not in the physical sense. In the emotional sense. I have no emotions. I've had a calm day, but that also a very very empty day. My mind may be spinning but at the same time it's also empty. I haven't felt empty ( maybe numb... ) in a while...in a LONG LONG TIME. I like it but it also worries me bc I am worried I am clueless as to how my emotions have to do w/my eating disorder. I had connected something between the binging and purging...and i guess how control and restricting but.... the emotions i have towards  my core issues...i don't see how thats relevant to food....Nancy M assured me on the phone that it is. That when this gets processed out my eating disorder will be more clear. I want to process what I word vomited to her yesterday. But, right now I feel ... NOTHING about it. I feel like it's just a whatever, just a phase of my life. I hope I start feeling again soon so I can process this shit and get out of this hell hole and move on..

xoxo -Lisa

Feeling are ephemeral, so is life. We’re here one moment and we’re gone the next. If you keep living trying to protect yourself, nothing is every going to touch you.

core issues- interpersonal relations- I have been avoiding in therapy and hoping would just.... fade away or that it wasn't the core issues....are coming to the surface. EVERYWHERE. in everygroup...and it got so overwhelming I basically word vomited in my individual session with NancyM today. Of course...just my luck....now she's out of town for the week....agh. so I have to wait a week to process a bit more...

i still don't want to deal w/these core issues but they won't leave me alone....which is telling me...it's time. But this puts me at such a discomfort...i had probably one of my worst days meal wise at ACE. As KT so jokenly said I ate 2% of my meal and drank 3% of my boost.  I felt like I disappointed Amy SB and myself. A LOT. I need to get my head back into the game...but I don't know how. I don't even know how I got here...again.

xoxo -Lisa

interpersonal relationships...

....have been the big topic I've been avoiding. I hate feeling like I want someone or need anything at all but yet I hate feeling empty. I know everything is too black and white w/me in any sort of relationship. friendships, parents, everything. And it's the big topic I have just only kind of randomly brought up in individual or sprinkled partial details about certain topics in group. BUT I DO NOT WANT TO THINK ABOUT HOW POORLY I HANDLE INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS...bc I do and I know this is the core of my problem. Everytime things starting getting out of control, I hide. I just want to be alone. I can't handle it... When my ability to maintain myself in interpersonal relations ( not just ones with males ) starts to feel out of my control- my eating disorder kicks in. It's been that nice wonderful cycle since I was 15. I remember each cycle. EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM. I believe I've had about 8 in the past 7 years.

This one of course being the most intense. fuck. Now I feel like everything in group is screaming in my head about my past relationships with friends, males, family, EVERYTHING . Especially since this cycle was triggered last summer, my head won't shut the fuck up about what happened then. IT JUST WON'T and I have yet to deal w/that issue, as in i've been avoiding this topic of needs, trust, relationships, blah blah for... the past 6 months that i've been in therapy and now I feel like it won't leave me the fuck alone. So i guess it means that now is the time to address it, but I feel SO SO SO ridiculously overwhelned by all of it. Like, it's just too much all at once and I know.....recovery and all this shit isn't easy. I want to make sure that i'm not repeating the same mistakes in relationships. I've got such a great great support system here in Atlanta I don't understand why I fight it sometimes and just hide. Because I just don't want to talk a lot of the time and then all of the times that I feel like i JUST WANT A HUG or WANT someone to talk to, i hate myself for wanting it so I start to flip out and want everyone to just WALK out of my life. but no I really don't , I just keep offering outs when I don't really want them to take them but yet I DO. I just feel like such a heavy burden and some crazy leech to all my support system I feel so guilty.

I wish I could just be okay with wanting a hug from a certain person or if i just wish someone specific could hear me...or just plain wanting to talk things out with someone. Somewhere in my 22 years my brain has taught itself that NO, that is not okay....this is shit I need to figure out for myself. I can't be burdening other people because negative consequences come out of it. I need to be independent and my own person and no one else's at all. I took that to the extreme.

I've learned to not take responsibility for other people's emotions and ask for my needs and start to voice them and not feel like a total needy crazy bitch for doing it but everytime I do it, I feel so...both relieved that I did and at the same time horrified that I let that slip. I can't win with myself. I just can't.

One side knows what I want and is telling me it is okay to say what I want but the other isn't letting me do it without beating myself up.

I JUST WANT MY LIFE BACKKKKKKKKKKKKKK. I WANT TO STOP BEATING MYSELF ON THE HEAD WITH A FUCKING HAMMER. Dealing with interpersonal relationship stuff while still dealing with some ( much more minor than this summer ) ED symptoms makes me ... just feel so so so freaking... i don't know.... like I'm going to blow up.

this is just fucking great, I see my psych tomorrow and he's going to think I'm insane and probably put me on more drugs. This anxiety and freaking out ish is not an accurate ( i think ) representation of how my last 2 weeks have been but maybe this just means that i need something else. I need something to get my mind to slow down, to stop ruminating and to just relinquish some control. i think i need that.

fuck if I know what I really need. I want to not want or need anyone. I want to be a rock. but no really I don't. I want to be balanced and want to be moving on with life.....fml

xoxo -Lisa

Why do I do this?

 I honestly have to go day by day. I can't really answer anyone's questions about what tomorrow is going to be like. Wait, much less how the next hour will be ( in my head ). I can go from being totally ambivalent about seeing someone then realizing...no shit, I do want to see them. Then I can go from loving my cats to not giving a shit i have them. I can go from wanting to see my family to .... i'm not even going to say. Why can't I ever EVER EVER just decide on one damn mood and stick with it. I can't make commitments although I want those around me to...it makes me feel a little more stable when I HAVE to stick to a schedule.

Except for, I can be the flakiest goddamn person in the world if I want to be... but I hold such a horrible double standard for others. I get so incredibly upset if someone flakes out on me unless I know the person quite well and truly believe the reason they flaked out on is legit. It isn't fair on their end. A lot of my relationships aren't fair on the other person's end. It's just that way...at the moment...I wish it weren't, I'm trying. I'm trying to learn...empathy and understanding. AND really trying to not just assume that someone is flaking on me when they really aren't. If they aren't saying fuck this I can't do it, why the hell do I always assume that's what the underlying message is? That's been getting a lot better, does this mean that I'm ... trusting people easier... uh. no. I just have to be told over and over again to stop doing what I'm doing and I have to be reassured by words and actions. PATHETIC. goddamn pathetic. i would not want to deal w/me...until some of this shit gets resolved and I stop thinking so fucking black and white. There is always a possible compromise, maybe what someone is saying IS the truth...maybe not running for the hills as soon as they get the chance doesn't mean they want an out.

moral of the story : FINE. i'm fessing up. i can be a crazy bitch. but i'm trying not to. the end. oh and i'm failing quite miserably at not being a complete psychotic mess. ( my thoughts ) but it looks like I'm not going to have to go to residential so apparently that means i AM doing better ( behavior wise ) now I just need to catch up food wise---which i believe is going to be much much...much ...a hell of a lot harder and I honestly don't know if I can keep up my behavior and mental changes in mood and trust without the fall back of .... fixing how I respond to food and what it does for me.

xoxo -Lisa

tooooo...much

There is so much talk/work about interpersonal relationships going on at ACE right now. I don't like all of this talk about trust and needs. I hate the word trust.and the word needs..that's why I think me living in a bubble would be easier for everyone...It makes it ridiculously hard to hold in my anxiety and be honest with those around me in group-because much of what I've done or do is embarrassing to me. I've been honest and i've realized through the last few months I have a lot of trust issues. Some people wonder why it's so hard for me to trust and I wonder how it's so easy for some people to trust. I ask why it's so hard to follow through....that's why I can't trust. I've met too many people who don't follow through. It's much easier to say you're going to do something when you know you aren't...

I can't change what builds my self esteem if I don't change what I'm using towards my self esteem--- I've got the right people standing next to me to help me reach this goal and actually understand why I'm doing this w/out freaking or running for the hills I think. Or I am pretty sure I'd actually be able to bring up the subject and....not have him run...hopefully and if he does, well then it's no longer an experiment it's just gonna be the way it is.

I've freaked out and acted on the whole push/pull thing last Wednesday night ( without realizing I was doing it at all ) . ASB called me out on it Thursday when I told her about the conversation. typical bpd move. ugh. IN my head, I totally meant every word I said "get out while you can, I'm giving you an out" but to others that is not what it means apparently and I probably made absolutely NO SENSE and was just that "crazy girl that needed to be calmed down" . agh. so much growing and figuring out on what my words might actually mean to others and making sure i'm not subconsciously manipulating others. I don't like the idea that I do manipulate when I don't mean to...it's a very discomforting thought...but as what I also have realized lately, more and more of the TRUE me is coming out.

AND I DISLIKE IT VERY MUCH. " sometimes we become what we swore we could never become, but that's just called growing...and learning" In my case, it's realizing. SHIT I am female. I want what many other females want as well. We filled out a worksheet in cognitive group the other day about fears and for the one that said I fear the most about women is....[ being one] is what i put. I want to the THAT girl that is remembered. But yet, I DO NOT WANT TO BE THAT GIRL. I want to be the girl that is low maintenance, the girl that doesn't cause the usual drama, neediness and all the sterotypical things that our society has labeled as annoying or at least in my head annoying. God- sometimes I just wish I were born socially ignorant. I don't want to be the girl with needs. I want to be the girl that makes guys think she wants them but not need them. I don't need any guy but sometimes I want them there so badly i don't want them there at all. The more I enjoy a guy's company, the more I hate them at the same time. that's something that should probably be worked on...

i still hate who I am becoming ( who I probably was all along but covered up --I don't know if I did well at it  I do know I sure as hell worked hard to wear a mask ) - a sensitive female with needs ... one who isn't completely self sufficient and one with emotions..i also hate that word...there are three words in the dictionary that I despise the most- trust, emotion, and needs ( I WANT NONE OF THOSE THREE ).  Trusting someone takes so much energy I almost am so drained I can't function. Very rarely..I do trust someone and I tend to want to hold onto those people because it's so rare. But even with the gut feeling that it's okay and the sad truth that I do have some sort of trust in them, it's still exhausting. I have been able to control my emotional outbursts recently much better. Having held them in so long, I had a period this summer of just freak out after freak out. I feel like that's slowly draining out of my system and I'm learning. I just need to learn to find the balance in everything. I never realized how all or nothing I've always been until now. But I have been. LEARN BALANCE LISA DAMMIT. it's not all or nothing. Almost nothing in life is an ultimatum- repeat 1000x then go the hell to sleep.
xoxo -Lisa

• We become attached to what's familiar and sometimes we hold onto things that are predictable, even if it is bad for us. 
• If you can't solve it, it isn't a problem- it's reality & sometimes reality is the hardest thing to understand and the thing that takes the longest to realize. But once it hits you in the face, you'll never forget it. It will always be there in your memories and sometimes that's the best way to look at it
• Darling, forever is a long time and time has a way of changing things.
• She'll never admit that there's a problem, so she neverhas to find a way to solve them.
• If you are depressed, you are living in the past. if you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present.
• People ask me why it's so hard to trust people, and I ask them why it's so hard to keep a promise.
• The first step to getting somewhere is deciding not to stay where you are. 

I may as well be living in another time zone...

One that is ~4 hours behind. I wake up around noon and go to sleep around 3-4 AM. I could easily change this because I am on sleeping medications but I'm choosing for the time being not to. I want to be asleep in the morning while the rest of the world is busy, chaotic and attempting to get their shit together. I wake up around 11 or noon when I feel like things have calmed down a bit. By the time I am up, have done my morning rituals of cleaning, breakfast, coffee, etc it's very early afternoon. This time of day makes the world not so choatic. I choose to stay up until 3-4 AM bc I feel nighttime is time for me. Then from there on out, the world is calm and I can process my day. In my head the rest of the world is gone. The world around me is as calm as it could be and there is no outside stimuli. I know this is going to have to change once I am out of full time therapy and go back to school/get a job but for now... I enjoy this time schedule very much.

These few hours early in the morning are the only hours during the 24 hours day where I feel like ... it's really just my time and no one else's. I can only handle so much stimulation at a time. I used to make a very conscious effort to be around people as much as possible. I never fed off the energy of others (as extroverts do ) but, chose to be around people as much as possible because it kept my mind reeling. I never had to stop and think. I was always tired and running around.

NOW, Instead of rarely being able to be alone, I NEED my alone time. Once the processing starts and I can no longer block everything out with being as busy as possible...Some of my calmest/best moments are spent alone, although some of my favorite moments have also been spent with certain people. Now, that I've learned to stop and slow down I need this alone time to process what goes on throughout my days. I've been able to slow down and actually process lately...due to a much lower level in of anxiety...but yet it's still very very demanding and tiring. I really want this to end soon. I want to start to lead a "normal" life again where my every move isn't being watched and analyzed, where I have a certain freedom from myself. My head needs to be re-organized and be a place I can happily reside.

xoxo -Lisa

Phobia and behaviors..

So, it has something to do with something emotional. Well... why does it seem to be all about the food again. I don't feel like I'm numbing out or using symptoms for any of those reasons. I just don't want the food. There is no appeal in it. Eating is a chore. Shoveling food and not tasting it down my throat at ACE is very mechanical. I eat food like I'm swallowing pills. It's medicine at this point. I don't taste it or enjoy it. IF IT IS NOT ABOUT THE FOOD AND I AM ADDRESSING EMOTIONAL ISSUES... THEN HOW COME I AM SO GOD DAMN TERRIFIED OF THE ACTUAL TANGIBLE FOOD ? I'm not terrified of fat, carbs or protein. ANYTHING on a plate that resembles a balanced meal causes me anxiety. I have a legit foodphobia.
MANY  eat out of enjoyment and it's not a chore. There are such foods labeled COMFORT FOODS. I would be no means turn to food for comfort. I turn to solitude most of the time.  I've binged and purged (but that's never for comfort ). But, that is another story in and of itself. Realizing it's meal time and I SHOULD REALLY EAT are the low and painful points of my day. I ate all 3 meals today..but with pain.

The more I meet w/Amy SB, the more my behavioral issues are being called out on and worked on. Textbook borderline personality disorder ( bpd ) behaviors are being made very obvious to me.
My biggest fear of recovery- is being/turning into an emotional stereotypical female. I can already see me coming off that way in some of my newer relationships when I made such a huge effort for years to seem the exact opposite--> unbreakable. Now... I am learning how to make myself vulnerable--> emotional=scary. But now is the best time to take the risk and learn how to face reality in interpersonal relationships in a healthy way. My environment and amazing treatment team around me make me really feel that my current environment is quite conducive to helping me make some big bpd behavioral changes or at the very least recognizing them. Even when I'm emotionally cryin --pushing/pulling ( bpd like ) for someone to take an out due to a random insecure outburst ...they won't take it. Not everyone in my support group even know what bpd is or that I "have it" but they are all responding so well for me to learn from the situations. I'm learning-baby steps  and  I hate to say this-- but mindfullness group has helped. I can now pause and ask....what I really want before becoming intensely emotional...and if it's actually necessary.

Does ANY OF THIS MAKE SENSE TO ANYONE BUT ME?! I'm starting to think I'm legitimately crazy and honestly this babble seems like gibberish to the real world.
xoxo -Lisa

Eating Disorders....

(before)
November of 2009

(during)
may 2010, 2+lbs more than  now

don't make any logical sense. I always prided myself on being rational. Something within me clicked. I think it's a good thing but it's causing the most intense internal battle yet...in this personal war.

I was facebook stalking...myself. And I realized...in some of my older pictures (prior to May 2010 ) where I weighed probably at least 15lbs more than I do, at the LEAST...I think I looked perfectly fine, in fact I can barely tell the difference. And ACE is not asking me to gain 15lbs. they are asking me to eventually gain 4 lbs... So why do I not want to gain the 4 LBS when I can look back at pictures of myself where I am positive I weighed at least 15lbs more than I do now and think I look okay. But I remember both of these days. I remember being MISERABLE. I know when I was ~10-20+ lbs heavier I WAS NOT OKAY. I way beyond not okay. I WOULD REFUSE TO GET OUT OF BED because I felt so fat. I thought I was horrendously fat and I had nothing that I could wear that would make me look even presentable---forget attractive---just presentable. I also specifically when each picture was taken and I was VERY UNHAPPY with my body then. In all 3 pictures I was on some ridiculous diet, some sort of restriction ( obviously not working ) or just being miserable. Why is it NOW I look back at those pictures and think I looked alright.

10/1/10- presently

(before)
November of 2009

I am satisfied with my body now. I do not have the  body image issues at this exact moment because I am at the lowest weight I have ever been in my adult life I am OKAY with my physical shape. I am not self conscious around others about whether or not I look fat. I have no plans on loosing any more weight, I just want to maintain my weight now but I have absolutely no idea how to do that in a healthy way. Why can't the mindstate that I'm in now about my body be the same when I weighed more? Why can't I scoop out my brain now and transfer it the body that weighed a bit more. Then my life would not be such a god damn mess.

I'm on a new medication that has dramatically decreased my anxiety but also has the possible side effect of increasing my appetite and for the first time in quite a while I kind of want to eat but I am actively restricting because I am scared to gain weight. I look at pictures where I weighed more and I think I'm fine but yet I'm scared to look like that again?! That proves...it's all in my head. I want to just have food be food. Part of my eating disorder has shut up for the time being..but only so much.

(before)
summer of 2009

I want to TAKE THE CHALLENGE and eat regularly (  follow my meal plan perfectly ) and part of me thinks I can do it because I can look back at old pictures and I feel okay, so that's the part of me saying you can win this challenge...but i'm terrified that this challenge is just going to end up going down the toilet and with me incredibly frustrated.....paralyzed by my brain once again. Go ED.

At this moment, I am okay with how I look NOW and THEN. I know logically that I've been at a normal weight range while now I am considered underweight but I don't feel like I physically even look much better. So why am I doing this to myself? ...atleast I think I'm making some headway. PLEASE TELL ME I AM NOT INSANE and MY THOUGHTS MAKE SENSE. I can barely tell that my body's changed.  I think I almost look the same, but yet I know I don't and i feel so much more better about my body now. WHY CAN'T I JUST SCOOP THIS NON-BODY IMAGE ISSUES BRAIN INTO MY FORMER HEALTHY BODY BUT WITH NO ED THOUGHTS?!

xoxo -Lisa