I don't know what I want, so don't ask me

"I dont know what i want, So dont ask me, cause im still trying to figure it out. Don't know what's down this road, i'm just walking trying to see through the rain coming down. Even though im not the only one, that feels the way i do. I'll be strong, i'll be wrong, but life goes on.  I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in this world."

I ask myself why? I don't have an answer, instead I get an overwhelming crash onto my head. It's never- ending. I truly believe that the answer to all the whys in the world is ... never- ending. There is no concrete answer EVER to why. The question why????? No one can figure out exactly why things happen. Why the effect of the cause is what it really is. Sure, scientifically there are reasons and theories...about why and formulas that help prove these things. But what about when it comes to human emotions? I learned a few years ago...that emotions weren't real. That it was chemicals in our brain that cause us to feel the way that we do. That love is a biochemical reaction...etc. And I can't help but still believe that... it's hard to think otherwise. Scientifically thinking...it makes a lot more sense than if it were just emotions. And our emotions do stem from our brain and our brain does just send off messages all the time... so that explanation makes complete sense to me...black and white. It's clear...but when it comes to how to deal w/these emotions and what they truly mean... well fuck. I don't know. Here comes in the grey.

Outside of recovery, I can't really figure out what I even want. I know I want to go to grad school. I have nothing else figured out. Nothing even about myself. I'm finding out more and more each day but I'm not exactly pleased with what I'm finding out. Because it's stuff that needs working on....and it's so overwhelming to work on these issues because I'm actually not just talking about them but real life working which causes me to have legit emotions. WHAT? lol. i do not deal well with emotions that I haven't braced myself for...


so I have no idea what I'm doing. I know ... it's ... i don't know. I know that my number one focus is getting out of this rut and hell hole...but I also want to learn how to live i this world without numbing out emotions or always having a safety net in place when the train wrecks. Sometimes maybe just take a chance and let things run it's course and whatever happens happens...maybe. maybe...
i still don't know what I want out of life. No actually I do. I know what kind of grad school I want to go to. I know what I want to do w/my life afterwards. I am career oriented and I've had this planned out for a while... I know where I want to be in 10 years. But personally, I have no idea. NONE. Personal goals have never been an issue for me. I've just ignored them, but then I think...maybe there should never be goals for that sort of thing and things should just run the natural course...and things happen and some of them might result in me crying ( OMFG i know )...but that's just life and sometimes ( okay a lot of times...) me taking things the wrong way and cognitive distortions..
xoxo -Lisa