tomorrow..

...is the day. I feel like tomorrow is judgement day or something. AND I feel stupid that I feel that strongly about tomorrow. I just want to know if what I'm doing is maintaining/losing/gaining. I have no control right now over it and....as NM asked me today "help me understand what is so important about the number"...--- it's the only thing I feel like I have control over. Something I know perfectly how to do. I know if I want to lose, what to do. I know if I need to gain, what to do. I know how to maintain...if I have my scale. If I can have that safety net to know. BUT...i don't have that safe object- the object that has kept me grounded for quite a while. I know it was a big big step in the right direction to give them away and learn how to be grounded without my scales. I know that means at least my rational side is wanting to recover.  I think. I just want this all to be over but I know that in my head I can't just make it over, it's not that simple. There's no quick fix. AGH


Today- individual was very very helpful. I spoke about how I hated how insecure I was about certain issues going on in my life when i have no reason to be. NM told me that my history gave me ample validity to feel insecure and to stop judging myself so harshly. She also had to remind me that as humans... AS MAMMALS- we have emotions and needs. UGGGHHHH

YANO WHAT I ALSO HAVE SUCH A HARD TIME sitting still with. Whenever anyone mentions love and the heart or emotions and the heart. THE HEART IS AN ORGAN, A MUSCLE that pumps blood to our bodies. Any emotions we feel are biochemical and come from OUR BRAIN. So our rational and emotional mind come from our brain. It's not like our heart is full of chemicals that get released when we're emotional and our brain is full of the rational chemicals. <-- just pointing out a pet peeve...

xoxo -Lisa