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| (before) November of 2009 |
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| (during) may 2010, 2+lbs more than now |
I was facebook stalking...myself. And I realized...in some of my older pictures (prior to May 2010 ) where I weighed probably at least 15lbs more than I do, at the LEAST...I think I looked perfectly fine, in fact I can barely tell the difference. And ACE is not asking me to gain 15lbs. they are asking me to eventually gain 4 lbs... So why do I not want to gain the 4 LBS when I can look back at pictures of myself where I am positive I weighed at least 15lbs more than I do now and think I look okay. But I remember both of these days. I remember being MISERABLE. I know when I was ~10-20+ lbs heavier I WAS NOT OKAY. I way beyond not okay. I WOULD REFUSE TO GET OUT OF BED because I felt so fat. I thought I was horrendously fat and I had nothing that I could wear that would make me look even presentable---forget attractive---just presentable. I also specifically when each picture was taken and I was VERY UNHAPPY with my body then. In all 3 pictures I was on some ridiculous diet, some sort of restriction ( obviously not working ) or just being miserable. Why is it NOW I look back at those pictures and think I looked alright.
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| 10/1/10- presently |
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| (before) November of 2009 |
I am satisfied with my body now. I do not have the body image issues at this exact moment because I am at the lowest weight I have ever been in my adult life I am OKAY with my physical shape. I am not self conscious around others about whether or not I look fat. I have no plans on loosing any more weight, I just want to maintain my weight now but I have absolutely no idea how to do that in a healthy way. Why can't the mindstate that I'm in now about my body be the same when I weighed more? Why can't I scoop out my brain now and transfer it the body that weighed a bit more. Then my life would not be such a god damn mess.
I'm on a new medication that has dramatically decreased my anxiety but also has the possible side effect of increasing my appetite and for the first time in quite a while I kind of want to eat but I am actively restricting because I am scared to gain weight. I look at pictures where I weighed more and I think I'm fine but yet I'm scared to look like that again?! That proves...it's all in my head. I want to just have food be food. Part of my eating disorder has shut up for the time being..but only so much.
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| (before) summer of 2009 |
At this moment, I am okay with how I look NOW and THEN. I know logically that I've been at a normal weight range while now I am considered underweight but I don't feel like I physically even look much better. So why am I doing this to myself? ...atleast I think I'm making some headway. PLEASE TELL ME I AM NOT INSANE and MY THOUGHTS MAKE SENSE. I can barely tell that my body's changed. I think I almost look the same, but yet I know I don't and i feel so much more better about my body now. WHY CAN'T I JUST SCOOP THIS NON-BODY IMAGE ISSUES BRAIN INTO MY FORMER HEALTHY BODY BUT WITH NO ED THOUGHTS?!
xoxo -Lisa
lisa, I guarantee you that you will look absolutely NO different 4 lbs more!!
ReplyDeleteI've told you how fantastic you look in those pictures, and it definitely is all in our heads! You are gorgeous and 4 lbs will not change anything! I am so proud that you have had a change in thinking, and I really think that you can succeed in your challenge. You are so strong and I know that you can do whatever you put your mind to. You are NOT ALONE in this. I believe in you 100%, and you make me want to challenge myself and get better too!
ReplyDelete<3 <3 <3 Katie
your thoughts make sense. your thoughts make total sense. xoxoo
ReplyDeleteyou are not crazy at all. this makes sense. in fact, i think you are just getting better. ask me for some pictures. love you <3
ReplyDeletei think you look no different even 15 lbs more...and i definitely don't even think that's 15 lbs haha. but weight aside, eat what you want to eat to a reasonable degree and think about your health, not your weight :)
ReplyDeleteYour thoughts make sense! You're so smart knowing that 4 lbs is not going to change how you look. I think you look so cute in these pictures -- you have the best and cutest clothes! :D
ReplyDeleteThe only thing keeping you from having your non-ED body with the non-ED thoughts is your mind. I am hopeful because you say your anxiety has been decreased -- that's soooo good. You've got more work to do but you're getting there.
You look so skinny in the most recent picture. You look fantastic in all of them actually, I like Nov 2009 the most but I am looking at your cute outfits, lol.
I love you so much!!! I wish I knew how I could help you. Let me know what I can do (if anything) please.
>'.'< meow <3s
You look vibrant and beautiful in all those pictures, Lisa.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you're crazy. I think a lot of people look back and think, oh, I look fine at 4-10+ lbs "heavier" - BUT the thought of just having those extra pounds on is unappealing. I have that thought at times, too.
For me, I really dislike myself when I feel unhealthy/active. Maybe it's that? Not the pounds, like Jason mentioned in his comment. If I were a few pounds heavier, but was happy about the foods I was eating, their nutritional value, and the lifestyle I was living, then I'd be absolutely happy with myself.
Or, it may not even be the nutritional/health side of it all. It might just be your own self-perception & inner (dis)satisfactions that persist no matter what weight you're at. And that makes you want to shed the pounds.
What do I know. All I know is that - weight cannot be constant. It's a fact of nature. I probably put on a few lbs in the past few weeks studying nonstop, and I just might lose some weight when I'm busy being active (in the future). I can't and don't want to count the pounds. I actually haven't been on a scale in YEARS. As long as I look at myself in the mirror and like what I see, I'm good. And as long as I know that I'm being generally health conscious, I'm good.
I'm not gonna lie. I get really hard on myself sometimes. Like, why did I eat that? Why didn't I work out? But then I go ahead and eat that tart or have the meal b/c it's just too good to pass up and I want to enjoy life, not control every pound of it.
It's a cycle, sometimes vicious. But in the end, it's about living life. And I would hate to live life w/o the pleasures. Foods definitely one of them for me.
I might have been talking in the circle. But I think that you're on the right path to recognizing those pleasures/needs and wanting the WANT to fulfill them - to eat that meal and be ok with it; to enjoy that comfort food.
You can do it, Lisa. You've got every capability to.
Just found your blog....
ReplyDeleteYou are a beautiful girl - whatever your weight!
I Know how you feel and there is a long journey ahead of us both but its worth it. I've been fighting my own ED for almost a year now and I can tell you, I MADE the right decision to fight against it :)
Dana xoxo