Phobia and behaviors..

So, it has something to do with something emotional. Well... why does it seem to be all about the food again. I don't feel like I'm numbing out or using symptoms for any of those reasons. I just don't want the food. There is no appeal in it. Eating is a chore. Shoveling food and not tasting it down my throat at ACE is very mechanical. I eat food like I'm swallowing pills. It's medicine at this point. I don't taste it or enjoy it. IF IT IS NOT ABOUT THE FOOD AND I AM ADDRESSING EMOTIONAL ISSUES... THEN HOW COME I AM SO GOD DAMN TERRIFIED OF THE ACTUAL TANGIBLE FOOD ? I'm not terrified of fat, carbs or protein. ANYTHING on a plate that resembles a balanced meal causes me anxiety. I have a legit foodphobia.
MANY  eat out of enjoyment and it's not a chore. There are such foods labeled COMFORT FOODS. I would be no means turn to food for comfort. I turn to solitude most of the time.  I've binged and purged (but that's never for comfort ). But, that is another story in and of itself. Realizing it's meal time and I SHOULD REALLY EAT are the low and painful points of my day. I ate all 3 meals today..but with pain.

The more I meet w/Amy SB, the more my behavioral issues are being called out on and worked on. Textbook borderline personality disorder ( bpd ) behaviors are being made very obvious to me.
My biggest fear of recovery- is being/turning into an emotional stereotypical female. I can already see me coming off that way in some of my newer relationships when I made such a huge effort for years to seem the exact opposite--> unbreakable. Now... I am learning how to make myself vulnerable--> emotional=scary. But now is the best time to take the risk and learn how to face reality in interpersonal relationships in a healthy way. My environment and amazing treatment team around me make me really feel that my current environment is quite conducive to helping me make some big bpd behavioral changes or at the very least recognizing them. Even when I'm emotionally cryin --pushing/pulling ( bpd like ) for someone to take an out due to a random insecure outburst ...they won't take it. Not everyone in my support group even know what bpd is or that I "have it" but they are all responding so well for me to learn from the situations. I'm learning-baby steps  and  I hate to say this-- but mindfullness group has helped. I can now pause and ask....what I really want before becoming intensely emotional...and if it's actually necessary.

Does ANY OF THIS MAKE SENSE TO ANYONE BUT ME?! I'm starting to think I'm legitimately crazy and honestly this babble seems like gibberish to the real world.
xoxo -Lisa