Why do I do this?

 I honestly have to go day by day. I can't really answer anyone's questions about what tomorrow is going to be like. Wait, much less how the next hour will be ( in my head ). I can go from being totally ambivalent about seeing someone then realizing...no shit, I do want to see them. Then I can go from loving my cats to not giving a shit i have them. I can go from wanting to see my family to .... i'm not even going to say. Why can't I ever EVER EVER just decide on one damn mood and stick with it. I can't make commitments although I want those around me to...it makes me feel a little more stable when I HAVE to stick to a schedule.

Except for, I can be the flakiest goddamn person in the world if I want to be... but I hold such a horrible double standard for others. I get so incredibly upset if someone flakes out on me unless I know the person quite well and truly believe the reason they flaked out on is legit. It isn't fair on their end. A lot of my relationships aren't fair on the other person's end. It's just that way...at the moment...I wish it weren't, I'm trying. I'm trying to learn...empathy and understanding. AND really trying to not just assume that someone is flaking on me when they really aren't. If they aren't saying fuck this I can't do it, why the hell do I always assume that's what the underlying message is? That's been getting a lot better, does this mean that I'm ... trusting people easier... uh. no. I just have to be told over and over again to stop doing what I'm doing and I have to be reassured by words and actions. PATHETIC. goddamn pathetic. i would not want to deal w/me...until some of this shit gets resolved and I stop thinking so fucking black and white. There is always a possible compromise, maybe what someone is saying IS the truth...maybe not running for the hills as soon as they get the chance doesn't mean they want an out.

moral of the story : FINE. i'm fessing up. i can be a crazy bitch. but i'm trying not to. the end. oh and i'm failing quite miserably at not being a complete psychotic mess. ( my thoughts ) but it looks like I'm not going to have to go to residential so apparently that means i AM doing better ( behavior wise ) now I just need to catch up food wise---which i believe is going to be much much...much ...a hell of a lot harder and I honestly don't know if I can keep up my behavior and mental changes in mood and trust without the fall back of .... fixing how I respond to food and what it does for me.

xoxo -Lisa