interpersonal relationships...

....have been the big topic I've been avoiding. I hate feeling like I want someone or need anything at all but yet I hate feeling empty. I know everything is too black and white w/me in any sort of relationship. friendships, parents, everything. And it's the big topic I have just only kind of randomly brought up in individual or sprinkled partial details about certain topics in group. BUT I DO NOT WANT TO THINK ABOUT HOW POORLY I HANDLE INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS...bc I do and I know this is the core of my problem. Everytime things starting getting out of control, I hide. I just want to be alone. I can't handle it... When my ability to maintain myself in interpersonal relations ( not just ones with males ) starts to feel out of my control- my eating disorder kicks in. It's been that nice wonderful cycle since I was 15. I remember each cycle. EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM. I believe I've had about 8 in the past 7 years.

This one of course being the most intense. fuck. Now I feel like everything in group is screaming in my head about my past relationships with friends, males, family, EVERYTHING . Especially since this cycle was triggered last summer, my head won't shut the fuck up about what happened then. IT JUST WON'T and I have yet to deal w/that issue, as in i've been avoiding this topic of needs, trust, relationships, blah blah for... the past 6 months that i've been in therapy and now I feel like it won't leave me the fuck alone. So i guess it means that now is the time to address it, but I feel SO SO SO ridiculously overwhelned by all of it. Like, it's just too much all at once and I know.....recovery and all this shit isn't easy. I want to make sure that i'm not repeating the same mistakes in relationships. I've got such a great great support system here in Atlanta I don't understand why I fight it sometimes and just hide. Because I just don't want to talk a lot of the time and then all of the times that I feel like i JUST WANT A HUG or WANT someone to talk to, i hate myself for wanting it so I start to flip out and want everyone to just WALK out of my life. but no I really don't , I just keep offering outs when I don't really want them to take them but yet I DO. I just feel like such a heavy burden and some crazy leech to all my support system I feel so guilty.

I wish I could just be okay with wanting a hug from a certain person or if i just wish someone specific could hear me...or just plain wanting to talk things out with someone. Somewhere in my 22 years my brain has taught itself that NO, that is not okay....this is shit I need to figure out for myself. I can't be burdening other people because negative consequences come out of it. I need to be independent and my own person and no one else's at all. I took that to the extreme.

I've learned to not take responsibility for other people's emotions and ask for my needs and start to voice them and not feel like a total needy crazy bitch for doing it but everytime I do it, I feel so...both relieved that I did and at the same time horrified that I let that slip. I can't win with myself. I just can't.

One side knows what I want and is telling me it is okay to say what I want but the other isn't letting me do it without beating myself up.

I JUST WANT MY LIFE BACKKKKKKKKKKKKKK. I WANT TO STOP BEATING MYSELF ON THE HEAD WITH A FUCKING HAMMER. Dealing with interpersonal relationship stuff while still dealing with some ( much more minor than this summer ) ED symptoms makes me ... just feel so so so freaking... i don't know.... like I'm going to blow up.

this is just fucking great, I see my psych tomorrow and he's going to think I'm insane and probably put me on more drugs. This anxiety and freaking out ish is not an accurate ( i think ) representation of how my last 2 weeks have been but maybe this just means that i need something else. I need something to get my mind to slow down, to stop ruminating and to just relinquish some control. i think i need that.

fuck if I know what I really need. I want to not want or need anyone. I want to be a rock. but no really I don't. I want to be balanced and want to be moving on with life.....fml

xoxo -Lisa