I may as well be living in another time zone...

One that is ~4 hours behind. I wake up around noon and go to sleep around 3-4 AM. I could easily change this because I am on sleeping medications but I'm choosing for the time being not to. I want to be asleep in the morning while the rest of the world is busy, chaotic and attempting to get their shit together. I wake up around 11 or noon when I feel like things have calmed down a bit. By the time I am up, have done my morning rituals of cleaning, breakfast, coffee, etc it's very early afternoon. This time of day makes the world not so choatic. I choose to stay up until 3-4 AM bc I feel nighttime is time for me. Then from there on out, the world is calm and I can process my day. In my head the rest of the world is gone. The world around me is as calm as it could be and there is no outside stimuli. I know this is going to have to change once I am out of full time therapy and go back to school/get a job but for now... I enjoy this time schedule very much.

These few hours early in the morning are the only hours during the 24 hours day where I feel like ... it's really just my time and no one else's. I can only handle so much stimulation at a time. I used to make a very conscious effort to be around people as much as possible. I never fed off the energy of others (as extroverts do ) but, chose to be around people as much as possible because it kept my mind reeling. I never had to stop and think. I was always tired and running around.

NOW, Instead of rarely being able to be alone, I NEED my alone time. Once the processing starts and I can no longer block everything out with being as busy as possible...Some of my calmest/best moments are spent alone, although some of my favorite moments have also been spent with certain people. Now, that I've learned to stop and slow down I need this alone time to process what goes on throughout my days. I've been able to slow down and actually process lately...due to a much lower level in of anxiety...but yet it's still very very demanding and tiring. I really want this to end soon. I want to start to lead a "normal" life again where my every move isn't being watched and analyzed, where I have a certain freedom from myself. My head needs to be re-organized and be a place I can happily reside.

xoxo -Lisa