I can't change what builds my self esteem if I don't change what I'm using towards my self esteem--- I've got the right people standing next to me to help me reach this goal and actually understand why I'm doing this w/out freaking or running for the hills I think. Or I am pretty sure I'd actually be able to bring up the subject and....not have him run...hopefully and if he does, well then it's no longer an experiment it's just gonna be the way it is.
I've freaked out and acted on the whole push/pull thing last Wednesday night ( without realizing I was doing it at all ) . ASB called me out on it Thursday when I told her about the conversation. typical bpd move. ugh. IN my head, I totally meant every word I said "get out while you can, I'm giving you an out" but to others that is not what it means apparently and I probably made absolutely NO SENSE and was just that "crazy girl that needed to be calmed down" . agh. so much growing and figuring out on what my words might actually mean to others and making sure i'm not subconsciously manipulating others. I don't like the idea that I do manipulate when I don't mean to...it's a very discomforting thought...but as what I also have realized lately, more and more of the TRUE me is coming out.
AND I DISLIKE IT VERY MUCH. " sometimes we become what we swore we could never become, but that's just called growing...and learning" In my case, it's realizing. SHIT I am female. I want what many other females want as well. We filled out a worksheet in cognitive group the other day about fears and for the one that said I fear the most about women is....[ being one] is what i put. I want to the THAT girl that is remembered. But yet, I DO NOT WANT TO BE THAT GIRL. I want to be the girl that is low maintenance, the girl that doesn't cause the usual drama, neediness and all the sterotypical things that our society has labeled as annoying or at least in my head annoying. God- sometimes I just wish I were born socially ignorant. I don't want to be the girl with needs. I want to be the girl that makes guys think she wants them but not need them. I don't need any guy but sometimes I want them there so badly i don't want them there at all. The more I enjoy a guy's company, the more I hate them at the same time. that's something that should probably be worked on...i still hate who I am becoming ( who I probably was all along but covered up --I don't know if I did well at it I do know I sure as hell worked hard to wear a mask ) - a sensitive female with needs ... one who isn't completely self sufficient and one with emotions..i also hate that word...there are three words in the dictionary that I despise the most- trust, emotion, and needs ( I WANT NONE OF THOSE THREE ). Trusting someone takes so much energy I almost am so drained I can't function. Very rarely..I do trust someone and I tend to want to hold onto those people because it's so rare. But even with the gut feeling that it's okay and the sad truth that I do have some sort of trust in them, it's still exhausting. I have been able to control my emotional outbursts recently much better. Having held them in so long, I had a period this summer of just freak out after freak out. I feel like that's slowly draining out of my system and I'm learning. I just need to learn to find the balance in everything. I never realized how all or nothing I've always been until now. But I have been. LEARN BALANCE LISA DAMMIT. it's not all or nothing. Almost nothing in life is an ultimatum- repeat 1000x then go the hell to sleep.
xoxo -Lisa
don't hate who you are "becoming"...it's okay to be a girl with needs and sensitive emotions. what you can control is how you embrace yourself and not freak out about who you are. :)
ReplyDeleteEveryone has needs from the most basic sense to a deep emotional/spiritual sense. To be "that girl" who guys want but she doesn't need...that's also a socially constructed image of like a "badass girl." You are a wonderful person as you are. Like Jason said, embrace yourself and love yourself. No one knows you better than yourself and it's beautiful. I personally have had a lot of growing experiences this past year. I was single and yes I got guys' attention but it was not the kind of attention I wanted. Even though I knew I was a quality person, somehow I had a difficult time attracting quality guys who appreciated me for me and not my body. After a while, I begin to become almost bitter like "all guys want is my body" and I begin to have a negative image of my body. But then one day it just hit me..I can't control how other people think or behave, I can only control how I think and behave. So I told myself "You are still quality and worthwhile. Just take care of yourself and believe in yourself and when the time is right, it'll happen" And guess what? Soon after that, I met a man who is SO wonderful and everything I've ever dreamed of. So it's not about you being like "this girl" or "that girl"...just be yourself and that's all :)
ReplyDeleteAlso concerning trust, I understand what you mean also. Growing up, I didn't feel accepted for who I was by one of my parents..still don't really..but sometimes we'd have conversations and I thought he finally accepted me. But then the next day, he'd say something that told me otherwise. So basically, I learned to almost mistrust what people said unconsciously. This is something I had to work through with those who love me and care about me. It's definitely a growing and painful process at times but it's worth it. And it won't happen over night..I'm still working on my trust of other people. You can do it too--just keep at it and there'll be people there to catch you when you fall but also people who will celebrate with you during the high times of life. :)
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ReplyDeletei had a typo. so i re did it. :)
ReplyDeletei'm frustrated because i can't think of anything meaningful to say to you, and you always have something good to say to me.
but. a lot of this resonates with me.
and you can only be yourself. and i think, at least for me, i've been hiding who i 'really' am under all of this shit because i'm terrified of the real person under all of it. but..that's who i am. it's all i've got, there's no changing it. and i don't know how to be ok with that. but maybe the idea will get better and better as recovery gets better and better.
and i hope you can find it in yourself to be ok with the emotional girl moments you have or will have. because i think everyone has their fair share.
<3 <3