AGHHHHH

Amy SB called Nancy M and told her about my pathetic pathetic attempt at my meal on Thursday night. If anyone can talk me into doing what i NEED to do, even when I don't want to AT ALL and making me realize what's going...it's Nancy M. I don't want to disappoint her. I feel like I had been really doing well and pleasing her ( and me...most of the time ) and then BOOM thursday, REALLY REALLY fell off the bandwagon. I was almost slightly content on sitting on the floor for just a little bit. just for a slight break from all the work I'm doing. But... now I can't. I emotionally just can't let her down. So now my physical body is screaming at me bc I'm forcing myself to do something...that I just don't want. I don't want it. But...it's what Nancy M is telling me I need to do and to be honest, I know it's what I need to do....I guess maybe I just needed the kick in the ass she gave me ( even tho she was very nice...therapists...how they do this shit, I don't know )

"Mechanical eating" is what I'm trying to do... as they call it. I just can't let Nancy M or Amy SB down after all my hard work. She hasn't called to "check in" with me for a while, so I immediately knew when she called, she knew what happened at meal on Thursday. The fact that she hasn't called to "check in" with me meant to me that I was doing better. I really really want to get back to where I was. It's hard. But I don't want to let her down. I don't know how a 45 minutes conversation slapped me toward the right direction but it did and now I'm about to...start hopefully moving in that direction. Thursday was so pathetic. Honestly, I had not felt that way ever. I had never felt that kind of discomfort where I honestly could not touch my food because I literally already felt full and a few sips of the wonderful supplement that I got made me feel grossly full. I just could not stomach my food....now I have to. I want to too but...i'm ambivalent about it but I really don't want to let my treatment team down...I'm more into not letting them down then taking care of myself...UGH.

I woke up this morning feeling extremely empty. Not in the physical sense. In the emotional sense. I have no emotions. I've had a calm day, but that also a very very empty day. My mind may be spinning but at the same time it's also empty. I haven't felt empty ( maybe numb... ) in a while...in a LONG LONG TIME. I like it but it also worries me bc I am worried I am clueless as to how my emotions have to do w/my eating disorder. I had connected something between the binging and purging...and i guess how control and restricting but.... the emotions i have towards  my core issues...i don't see how thats relevant to food....Nancy M assured me on the phone that it is. That when this gets processed out my eating disorder will be more clear. I want to process what I word vomited to her yesterday. But, right now I feel ... NOTHING about it. I feel like it's just a whatever, just a phase of my life. I hope I start feeling again soon so I can process this shit and get out of this hell hole and move on..

xoxo -Lisa