Independently dependent

- - - - - - -from (8/09/2010) my old blog (http://consequencesofimpulsivity.blogspot.com/)... I feel the need to share this again...

It wasn't until recently that even my closest friends knew the true distorted inner working of my mind. Had many of them known, I don't think I'd have any female friends. Another thing that is between me, my therapist and the long gone Dr. M. It was a way that I was vulnerable to Dr. M and NM to a far greater extent than I had been to anyone else in my life. They knew the darkest secrets within me. It forced me to trust them and need them more than anyone ( even my parents ) before. It forced me to discover the two particular sides of me.

The half of where I am strong, independent and self sufficient and basically a hardened facade that I think most saw through anyway. I would make it seem like I don't get a shit, i'm too tough to be hurt, i'm a big girl, i can take care of myself, i don't need to trust a soul. To that side of me, trust was an open invite to be completely fucked over. To me, this side was male. Only one problem here... I'm not male. I'm female. there is no denying that. But this side of me is a portrait of manhood as I perceive it to be. I often joke with friends that I forget that guys have emotions too...that's because part of me truly believes they don't and I want to be like that too.

The other half is the vulnerable one, whom I am not nearly as comfortable or familiar with, whose presence seemed to have been given life through extreme situation and therapy. When the other half of me made a giant barricade of walls...or bubble wrap (joke) in self protection. This other half, who I dubbed the female was the antithesis, a font of raw openness.. I trust the wrong people and could not make sense of those who would not return such trust with love. It was if the vulnerability itself, the willingness to be fucked ( both figuratively and literally ) would somehow protect me. This part of me is ruled purely by emotion, always thirsting for love, seeking it everywhere with anyone and suffering great pain when it didn't ( DOESN'T) work out. I'm intimidated by power, never seek it and was content to be a follower if it would gain acceptance and love.

I was as dependent as I was independent ( one half and the other, two extremes ). I would give myself up completely if i could only, somehow be taken care of and when that didn't work I screamed self sustainability. That I didn't really need anyone and I would tell myself, never again would I let the emotional side take over.

Neither fragmented identity of mine is admirable. Both are such extremes it's sickening. Neither appear worthy to me or lovable. But atleast i could respect the tough, self sustainable side, which is, perhaps, why i tried to show this side more Each side I have hates the other. It's the tough side that I have a hard time giving up, the walls, it's been protecting me and my mechanism for survival. I need to meld the two together and find a balance and stop only respecting one extreme and finding the other sickening. Being a vulnerable female is fine for anyone else, but not for me...It's inconsistent and I know it makes no sense.

Given an honest choice, I'd prefer to be emotionless and ignorant. But...no not really because as someone very wise once said to me... only the lucky ones get to dig deep into their problems and truly know. ignorance isn't bliss. ignorance is embarrassment almost.

xoxo -Lisa

I don't know...

Despite the bitching that this post has, I'm trying to be hopeful but sometimes I wonder why I even try...

I'm flying back to Denver (I wonder what I have to do to become a flight attendant?) and my lay-over was in Atlanta. I had to pretend I wasn't there in Atlanta. I miss my friends there...a lot. I was talking to J and A while I was at the airport and pissed as shit that was like 20 miles down the road from them and couldn't see them and probably won't get to see either again for quite a long time.

Then on top of all that, the one therapist that I was hoping for told me she no longer takes my insurance and charges $125/hr which is actually cheap for a psychologist but I saw Nancy and Amy ( out of insurance network ) for about 9 months and ran bank accounts dry by doing that= so thus, I can't see someone who doesn't take insurance again. FML. Why do some medical professionals not take insurance?

I'm supposed to do an intake at the Charis center for ED Monday. Hopefully someone I'll be able to get some decent therapy and support there because God knows I need it. I've gone over a month without anything stable and supportive when I used to never go more than 2-3 days without speaking to Nancy... the fact that I've hung on without trying to commit suicide astounds me ( although in all honesty, I've thought about admitting myself to the acute unit a few times.. :-/ ). I've been crying a lot more- I feel as since Nancy told me she was going to go on medical leave-- since then in november, i've cried more in these last 4-5 months than I ever have in my entire life.

xoxo -Lisa

I WANT TO TURN BACK TIME

enough said. I'd like to turn back time to uhm... December please. I hate this shit right now. I can't settle in anywhere--- I was nice and settled in Atlanta and I had to ruin that by going to Rosewood, kicking Nancy away, moving to Denver and just FUCKING EVERYTHING UP.

all I had to do was get ahold of myself back in January+ February...but NO...what did I do? FUCK IT UP. Now I can't seem to find shit.

It took me proding and being an annoying bitch for the treatment center here to call me back and I HAVE SEEN 8 THERAPISTS IN THE PAST FUCKING GODDAMN 2 months and NOTHING. NOOOTTHINNGGG.

I can't find anything that is helping me.


xoxo -Lisa

I'm back home again

moving anywhere is hard. I had forgotten just HOW hard. Being back home right now is hard. I know going back to Denver on Thursday will be hard.

I've almost been missing the nice little bubble of treatment. I forget sometimes how miserable I was when I was there. I forget how everyday I was there I wanted to get out, how I hated almost every single staff member...I forget those and even though I just wrote that all down- I don't feel it...not like I used to. Instead, I'm sitting here ( with freedom ) wishing I could somehow go back. Yet, I know I can't relapse on purpose to go back...the real world is going to come eventually...treatment is an avoidance of real life but i can only avoid so long. At some point--- I HAVE to enter back into it. I HAVE to get a real life job- I want to hide away and be a serial student...I REALLY DO. IF I COULD DO EVERY PHD program in the world- I WOULD.

I hate this. I hate having my hands tied... which is how I feel. stuck. very very stuck. My dad asked me why I drew this picture...I couldn't answer him honestly...

xoxo -Lisa

xoxo -Lisa

So- about Denver. Want for me to admit it??? I'm scared shitless to be here. This is really a different experience for me than anything I've ever known. I have to make a life for me out here. I finally have gotten a job and that will finally bring me structure- which I need very badly right now. But, that doesn't mean I'm not scared shitless.

I still have yet to feel totally comfortable with any therapist. I don't ever want a relationship like I had with Nancy- too painful- way too painful. but yet...I need something like I had with Amy...although that one was slightly painful to leave as well but I think it was a normal pain.

So where have I been in the last few months? treatment... in the past two months- i've spent time in Atlanta, a little over a month at Rosewood Capri in Arizona- go treatment- then I was back in Atlanta for 4 days and then I moved to Denver. 3 states in a little over a month. wtf. no wonder I'm exhausted
xoxo -Lisa

@&@*#!232#(*@#

I JUST WANT TO NOT CARE WHAT I EAT

xoxo -Lisa

Finding the correct treatment team

AGHHH. I just want to scream because I'm not settled in here yet. I want to be...really badly...I am moving into my apt on Saturday so hopefully that stability will help! I hope...other than that it's just frustrating not to have a team that I am used to. I don't even remember the trial and error run with Nancy or Amy. I don't feel like there was one with either. Amy started off slowly- in 2 groups with me at ACE. All I remember of the beginning of seeing Nancy was refusing to leave her from the very beginning when my parents wanted me to see someone in network- I developed dependency issues really early on I guess- I had forgotten about those fights...so I was lucky...really really lucky. Now though, I'm struggling- the therapist that I have already really connected with is not seeing patients on an outpatient basis so once I'm out of the EIOP program I'm in, I won't get to see her :-( ... NOT okay with that

AND AND my meal plan- SO NOT OKAY with it. I trusted my dietician and I swear the sheet she gave me today was not what we had discussed. It does not seem like a maintenance plan to me at all...I'm just all over the place right now...

...I'm in a foul mood. Good thing I see two therapists tomorrow. My dbt one and my group leader...at least I'll have something to talk about.

xoxo -Lisa

Friends, Zits, Rings

Zits ( haha ), Rings, Pacsun and finding a therapist  video link(ignore the middle where I'm trying to remove the ring )

So, I've been on a job hunt like none other and it's been difficult to really just fill out application after application- in fact it's draining. I really want a damn job. I have an interview with Victoria's Secret tomorrow- I'm quite excited for it all. Speaking of job interviews, one of the guys I interviewed made a comment that was something like you'll defintely get this, you're so put together.... WTF. That's news to me! Its amazing the faces we can put on.

It's also been over a week and I've been looking for a new therapist and failing at the moment. I expect so much and I expect to connect quite easily. I know it's not that easy though. Still really trying to acclimate here in Denver. I'm so glad K is here. I'd be so lost without her. SO LOST. I'm also glad that I've been able to keep in touch with some of my really great friends back home ...

post about friends to come.


xoxo -Lisa

A familiar feeling

Last night...all of a sudden- my mood went to shit...absolute shit. I wanted a pretzel from the mall but the last time I had one of those- it was during a binge so I had that knee jerk reaction where it was like do i want it? Yes, wait no, yes, no, yes no, yes no. IT WAS A FUCKIN PRETZEL- it shouldn't be this fucking hard...

so, thus my mood went to shit and I got really awkwardly homesick. I missed my mom, Nancy and Amy and my friends in Atl. It was weird to miss my mom, not my friends- i knew that'd happen... Now missing Nancy and Amy- took a toll on me as well- a HUGE toll. I felt like shit...

one of my friends said that she told her therapist that she wanted to be her...that's how I feel about Nancy. Amy, my relationship with Amy was different, much more healthy...

I donno- the feeling from last night was awkwardly comforting because it was all too familiar...I feel better today- as of now anyway
xoxo -Lisa

Floating- dissocatied- disconnected-scared

That's how I feel.  I'm feeling okay right now and that scares me :-/ I'm scared that this is an up and it's not going to stay. I feel very very disconnected...and I feel honestly as if I'm floating through- just barely here but here enough to be present- barely though. I've been talking less in group just because my mind keeps getting distracted- where to? no where- to like a blank place. I look out the window and just stare.

I don't get it. Usually I'm hyper sensitive to my surroundings. Usually I'm pretty damn up and down quite quickly. I can't believe I've only been here in Denver for 7 days...I feel like I've been here a lot longer.

I'm still searching pretty pathetically for a job- I can't/refuse to keep free-loading off my parents. It makes me feel like shit pretty much.. OH it would make me feel like shit if I could feel. I know what it is I should probably be feeling but it's not there.

Could be because I'm not eating enough? Could I be purposefully numbing out? I don't know and that terrifies me. I guess I do have an emotion- I'm oddly content and that scares the shitttttt out of me. I'm so not used to it. Part of me almost wants to create drama for myself so that I can feel what I'm used to. I can feel my borderlined emotions and be IN the "drama triangle"

I want our group leader to be my therapist but I just don't think that she sees people individually outside of the program, so when I'm out of the E-IOP program- I won't get a chance to meet with her. That honestly makes me pretty damn angry... I really like and connect super well with her- the others that I've been going to- not so much. Speaking of the program- I saw my dietician yesterday and she told me that my weight is where she wants me to be. That also scares me because I've been restricting... I've def lost since I left Rosewood. I left at the world's most uncomfortable weight for me and with TERRIBLE TERRIBLE body image so I basically (re??) lapsed? I don't know and with her telling me that my weight is on the low end of where I need to be but it is where I should be...scares me because it makes me feel as if I should continue re-stricting...and 40% of me wants to stop and sadly- the other 60% is ED still screaming in my face.

Fuck this horrid HE called ED. I feel as if he'll never leave me and even if he is gone out of my life...he'll forever be a memory...


xoxo -Lisa

Overwhelmed and Elated at the same time?

I've started E-IOP and I really do like it. The girls are honest...and I love that. I love the brutal honesty and the fact that if one is struggling- you can outright see and hear them say it all. I'm struggling- right there with them but isn't that what an ED is? A roller coaster of struggles and good times? Thus, I'm overwhelmed BUT i'm also pretty happy at the same time. I LOVE it here- it's beautiful and I feel finally more free of myself. I know I'm still struggling hardcore with my ED but my BPD issues have depleted a lot. I don't feel like I can't live without my therapist nor do I feel like I just can't handle anything at all. Alex said she's never seen/heard me so happy :)

I don't have a therapist here yet...I really like Karen, the clinical director of the E-IOP program- I wish she could be my therapist. Finding a therapist is really hard and it's hard for one to live up to my expectations after my last experiences with Nancy and Amy.

My brain is so full of stuff right now- I can barely process much. I honestly don't have a lot to say, except that this eating disorder fight is pissing me off- majorly. I just want it to go away but yet I want to hold onto it really badly. So, thus I'm ambivalent at this moment and I hate the ambivalence.

I meet with my dietician today for the first time- I know she's going to weigh me and that pisses me off because I b/p yesterday and I DO NOT like my weight today at all. I'm actually totally scared to see her and see what meal plan she wants me to follow- I was talking to one of the girls in my group and it's so hard to follow a fucking meal plan when I'm not ready to gain weight...

I'm still in one of those states where I think the meal plans that ED facilities give us are slightly ridiculous. How many "normal - non- ED " people eat 3 meals and 3 snacks a day on a rigid schedule? I know it's to train us to eat intuitively but I'm just... I donno. fucking ED

and I really LOVE my nails :)  haha.

xoxo -Lisa

It's about time for a new post.

Amy and Nancy were absolutely floored when I opened up and told them about my blog. They hated what I was doing and said it was hindering my recovery- well I beg to differ. I think the community on here is amazing and on top of that- being able to type and communicate my feelings in words to others ( especially the people I have isolated from because I can't really explain how I feel in person ) really helps. But, it is about time for me to update. ( video blog link-click ).

I went res at Rosewood for 32 days. My opinion... was that it helped. I don't really want to say much more about the program- well it was a 12 step program and that didn't sit with me too well. I do know the program has heped A LOT of people and it did have some great aspects in it.

Nancy dropped me as a client and I had to leave Amy as well because they wanted me to go to Menniger or McLean- places that specialize in bpd. I instead went somewhere that does ED. Insurance kind of chose that route for me- insurance also chose the route of kicking me out the day I was reviewed. Let me go through the last week with y'all.

Monday- finds out my insurance cut me off from Rosewood
Tuesday- fly back to Atlanta
Wednesday- did my intake at Ridgeview in Atlanta, found out they want me PHP and won't take me IOP and my insurance refused to approve them as well. Nancy called and I cried on the phone but explained how I felt. It was really nice to get that out
Thursday- saw Nancy for the last time- not for a session, just to say good-bye. She asked ME for a hug :) AND told me that the fact that I reached out and tried to put closure to the situation meant the world to her.
Friday-saw Amy to say goodbye because it was decided that I was going to move to Denver Saturday
Saturday- IN DENVER!!!
Sunday- walked around the area where I am currently staying. 16 days until K and I can move into our apartment!!!!! I also got to go to a place called Canvas and Cocktails!! It was great. I love love love paiting.
Monday- Did EIOP ( evening- extended intensive outpatient ) at the ERC's outpatient location
Tuesday- going to go see a psych in a few hours today.

With all of this going on , the only time I've had to think was yesterday in group...it reminded me how hard groups are and how hard it is to eat with people around. I almost couldn't finish 100%.

I need more support- I need PHP I think. I've been restricting... :-/ It's just so hard not to when I'm not being held accountable but i'm trying- I've been working really hard to try and eat 3 meals a day and some snacks. I have good days and bad days but I wish I had more support- but the program here is trying to help me with that. So far this week, I see someone everyday

Tuesday- psych
Wed- therapist, group
Thursday- dietician, group
Friday- therapist

Hopefully this will be my schedule everyweek.

Alright- enough of an update... I wish my life were more interesting than my ED and how hard IT FUCKING IS


xoxo -Lisa

moment of clarity

I'm going to open up, I'm going to set boundaries and not walls. I'm going to recover. I'm going to live my life. I"m going to beat ED and my borderline. Fuck both. I'm better than both and I'm stronger than both.


I can have a life. I can recover. 

So can you.

xoxo -Lisa

GOT MY COMPUTER BACK!!

Now I can update more often! I am level 2, wooo!! I'm actually feeling comfortable here and seeing what I am here for now. I no longer want to just run home like a screaming baby. I'm actually finally present. :-) Amazing what a week or so can do. Legit update later- time to eat dinner ( yay... )


xoxo -Lisa

^*@&*##$(*!&@!

I can't do res. This isn't for me. I want to come home. I feel like a prisoner here... I can't leave AMA because it's too expensive so I have to wait until I am either discharged or my insurance runs out... \


xoxo -Lisa

Not really sure

everything seems to be up in the air. I've lost control of my treatment--- of what is best for me. I feel as if my voice doesn't matter, but then again- I went into treatment where I basically handed over my control to my treatment team. But never have I felt so vulnerable, out of the loop and confused. Even Nancy today on the phone- told me, everything is grey right now and...well...even though 1/3 of my wardrobe is gray I HATE THE DAMN COLOR. I hate what it represents to me- it represents confusion. I just want to know where things are going- who I'm going to be working with. Things with Nancy aren't the same as before- but I am finally realizing a lot of that actually is me projecting my feelings onto her. But, shit- if it does so happen that it is decided she can do the most for me that she has and it's time for me to move on... I don't know how I'm going to react...even though the thought has crossed my head a lot. I , WE ( my team ) just don't know where things are going for me.

They want me to stabilize more. I AM TRYING DAMMIT... and honestly- I believe I am quite stable.

I just wish I had more of a voice in everything....and that I could know the future because I hate uncertainty.

xoxo -Lisa

another impulsive piercing hah. what number is this? like 7?

eye brow piercing!!!!   easy to hide too....

         

LOVE IT!!!

xoxo

-Lisa

Finding Neverland

I feel raw and naked. I have nothing to hide behind anymore. I have no walls. I just want to be protected. In my initial intake at ACE, there were a lot of questions about being afraid to grow up- I wasn't afraid at all, dammit- I wanted to grow up and be out in the world.

yeah...well...it's too damn scary. I think part of me is using my ED to not move forward---I don't want to grow up. I want to find neverland and just be protected. Peter Pan Syndrome- hello Lisa. Never thought I'd be saying this...

I can list off so many hassles and things I've lost due to these issues but yet...right now- it doesn't phase me. Why? I wish I knew.

I had to cancel a lunch date with Alex which lunch dates should be simple enough right? but no, not for me because I wouldn't eat and...that makes a "LUNCH" date awkward. I kept apologizing and she kept saying- it's a lunch date- it should be easy, not like pulling teeth....major fail...and she's my best friend. You'd think that I can pull it together for her....

I panicked last night around 3 AM and called my dad crying and crying. I just wanted to quit my job- the job where I sit and don't do too much. it's not stressful at all and I'm good at talking to people. It's the perfect job for me while I'm in treatment but the fact that it had two things made me want to just run. RUN FAR FAR AWAY

1. commitment. When I'm on the schedule- I need to show up- no matter how depressed I feel.
2. responsibility. That speaks for itself

and yano what- those two things make me scared. But...now I'm fine....I'm sitting at work and I'm fine.

My life is a fucking roller coaster emotionally. I feel as if emotionally I am not stable enough to hold onto anything. This makes me feel utterly and completely useless. One positive thing though. I have had this job for close to 2 months.... which is the longest I have held a job since I got treatment. Even though last night I didn't give a shit if I got fired because I was so overwhelmed and in distress...

what the hell Lisa? You're 22. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.

xoxo -Lisa

I'm back

I've just kinda and I guess still have a major hurdle to jump through. But Amy said that I was becoming more like myself today. That's a good sign. I'm trying. It's hard as hell but I'm trying. Started a DBT skills group... uhm-- I actually like it- shhh lol

I'm sorry to all my friends & bloggers that I've just been totally MIA on-- my head has just been screwed on wrong lately- but I'm getting to feel a bit better.  Feeling better video link

but a hard thing- fighting the bpd behaviors along with the anxiety and distress I've been having has really screwed with my appetite- as in- I have none and that is sooooo triggering for my ED. boo.

xoxo -Lisa