Gaining...

I'm going to enjoy food. I'm going to restore my weight. I've flushed my laxatives, I'm going to keep my scale though...

but I am going to start enjoying food- this doesn't mean binging but eating when I want to/am hungry. I'm going to NOT obsess about my weight. I'm going to move on with my life...right? right... I think I can do this. Why is it so hard to be sure?

recovery is possible.

xoxo -Lisa

After a 7 AM appointment

I feel better...I spoke with my therapist and she constantly reminded me that she cares, that the reason she couldn't respond to my email and phone calls were because of something personal that happened. She wasn't ignoring me and telling me to go do this myself. She is well aware that I CANNOT do this myself. We discussed how she would respond when she does and things such as that. I think I can work w/this. If not, we also discussed maybe that I need a therapist that can offer different things... I don't want to be kicked out again...

In terms of my ED- All I hear is this "I JUST WANT TO BE SKINNNNNNNNYYYYYYYYYYY" Yeah, having a hard time coping with my weight and what I eat. It sounds so vain and stupid. please don't judge me. I wish this were easier. I see others eat and I wish I could do the same...I started using laxatives but I told my therapist I'd take things one day at a time and not take any...for today.

I can do this?


xoxo -Lisa

i feel oddly functional...

...and I'm not doing so well eating disorder wise...but I feel totally functional. that makes me even more on the fence about recovery. ALSO- fml- boundaries. I hate them. My current t never emailed me back and it hurt so much that she didn't. Amy was late in responding to an email too so that hurt as well on top of A( my t ) not responding to my email and she probably never will. I had to cry in hysterics for her to offer me her work email address.

...things are just so different treatment wise. I don't really want to move forward treatment wise from where I am right now bc I feel fine.

xoxo -Lisa

Learning to be alone...

...with most of my friends having graduated college... it's really a time for everyone to kind of learn how to be alone. Graduating college means that your social circle scatters, people leave for home, jobs and whatever else takes them away from where they just spent the last 4 years of their lives. 4 years of torture, fun, love and hate all at the same time...

I had to learn how to be alone last year, after I graduated and lived on my own. I was lucky that a lot of my friends were still in atl....but now having moved home ( yes, back to the ole nesty nest ) where I'm reconnecting with old friends but at the same time- I'm more alone that ever in a way. I may be home because I needed someone to take care of me ( thank you eating disorder for taking away my freedom ) but I feel alone- really alone. But I need to sit with it. I have no other choice.

I'm on the fence about recovery.

I finally have a job I like and it pays quite well :- ) and I'm getting by with my ED right now so it's hard to be all gung ho about recovery when I feel like I am being successful right now -- I don't feel dysfunctional anymore...

it's weird.


xoxo -Lisa

Costco panick and bpd

So, in an effort to get me out of the house, my parents dragged me along with them to costco ( big warehouse store ) and I flipped out ( silently )... i saw so many foods there that I WANTED to be able to eat...but I just won't allow myself to eat. THUS- PANICK ATTACK...

well. fuck me. there are a million great food items out there ( SUCH AS DINO NUGGETS that I USED to LOVE :P ) that I would love to be able to eat now. Yes, DINO NUGGETS- judge me all you want...

I just want to not care what I eat. the end.

also- my bpd is kickin in. hardcore. 

xoxo -Lisa

My mind is spinning

I've had a few good moments ( the weather is getting so much better here ). I have awesome friends that have been a wonderful support system and I don't know how I'd live w/out them. My therapeutic support on the other hand is kinda lacking and it's pissing me off. I don't really know what to make of it. Maybe that's how it's supposed to be. I just have no access to my team at all if I'm not PHYSICALLY in the center.

My head is spinning with thoughts at the moment... good ones and bad ones. I've had a few really bad body image days which aren't helping with the ED symptoms. I'm probably at my lowest point with ED symptoms right now... except maybe before I left for Rosewood...not sure...

I just feel as if I need some more therapeutic support or maybe that I was spoiled and need to learn to lean on others and myself and not on therapists.. I just remember Nancy telling me that it was okay to lean on her, sometimes I needed that. WELL I NEED IT NOW AND WHERE IS SHE? not here. great. wonderful.

but I'm determined to make today better than yesterday. one step & day at a time. baby steps. 

xoxo -Lisa

It's not you, it's me... literally

Why is it so easy for me to just self sabetoge? My therapist and I were talking about that today. She was saying how I've sabotaged most relationships- therapeutic or not- i've been in. Thus, instead of getting rejected/abandoned I sabotage the relationship and then there is a reason the person left. ie- I was cutting too much. ie- I screamed at him weekly to walk away from me ( yes...I did that..FAIL ). I then have a reason as to why they left- it wasn't ME but someTHING I did. Thus, I can think it wasn't me... it wasn't me...but really...i was me.

xoxo -Lisa

Did therapy ruin me?

I've become addicted to therapy? Has it ruined me? Sometimes I really wonder if I would have been better off never being in therapy... I feel like I was a much more functional person before. I got so attached to Nancy and then Amy that I feel like they've ruined me. I feel like I've lost a parent which is a really hard thing to go through...

...one of my friends yesterday told me that Amy would "of course" see her after she got back from ip/res... Amy definitely did not say that to me. She said maybe and then when I said if I did transfer if she would help me transition and she said yes. The fact that Amy rejected me and took my friend on...sent me into a horrible frenzy.  b/p , cutting, yup- the works. I don't even know if I can bare to see Amy anymore... not mad at all at the friend- my craziness is beyond her control and Amy's..just wish I weren't so crazy ... fucking borderline.

SO, I got myself another job- in sales and marketing with a company here in town. I'm excited. I told them about my situation and they are willing to work around my therapy. I can randomly up and leave when I need to as long as I get my work done... YAY! one major positive thing. And the pay is really good tooooo.

smile Lisa smile. I can get through the day. One day at a time--- great, now I'm talkin to myself..

xoxo -Lisa

Trip to the ATL

So I'd been planning a trip to ATL in June...and now- I'm not quite sure if I should postpone it. I really want to see my friends down there and I really want to see Amy but the entire trip is going to cost me close to $400 which is kinda all I have in my bank account...

I WANT to see my friends and I WANT to go- I just don't know if it'll send me into a panic and depression because I want to be there so badly- I'm scared of that part. I'm actually terrified that I just won't want to leave once I'm down there... even though I have to...but yet I WANT TO GO--- I'm just scared...

I'm scared it will bring up old things, but it could always help...I don't know. opinions?

xoxo -Lisa

I needed you

A...( my t ) I needed you last night but I had no way of getting ahold of you. Nancy, I needed you last night but you kicked me out. Amy, I needed you but I am no longer in your care...

I needed someone last night. I thank Marie for talking to me. I really do. I needed someone. If this were a few months ago - I would have called Nancy/Amy screaming, bawling and throwing a fit.

I can't believe last night happened. I can't believe that my 2 best friends in the world... one ended up in the ER and the other set her boundaries with me. I'm not sure if she thinks setting these boundaries will force me to get better but right now I'm just upset, I understand why she's doing what she's doing but I'm angry.

Borderline is ruining my life... borderline and ED. RUINS IT.

I woke up this morning- forgot to take my meds. binged and purged and then decided that my life sucks so I quit my job too. Now I'm jobless, bloated and feeling shitty. One thing I have yet to do is cut...who knows if I will. I don't know right now if I have the strength to not... I don't know. A doesn't care if I do or not and that almost bothers me but yet that also can keep me from doing it because it seems so stupid, but yet it's not.

fuck this.


xoxo -Lisa

work...

I was reading Sarah's blog about work and I get that way all the time, even now. I get such anxiety before work it's insane. I know I can do it- I know what I need to do there- I've gotten good feedback but there are so many days that I just want to cry and scream that I can't, can't, can't do it before I go, days where all I want to do is hide and cry--- but gotta put that smile on and go. Time to be a big girl ( hopefully )... at least for now. I think the Stepping Stone idea that Sarah wrote about is a good idea. I've only been at this job for ... I believe today was my 4th shift and the anxiety I get about GOING- just GOING is so much. Once I'm there, I'm okay. It's just GETTING there. I wish I knew why...

I feel like the longer I struggle with food- the harder it gets. This shit has got to stop soon but there's a part of me that just wants to continue to lose. If 100% of me wanted to get better- I'd be better. I know that- where there's a will- there's a way. My mom is at a meeting right now at the Charis Center ( Center for EDs ) for parents. I'm nervous about what they are going to say about how to deal with me... lately it's been pretty difficult since I've been refusing food... yeah. I'm regressing to back how I was before I went to Rosewood- liquid calories... safe foods..

This way of life is so temporary unless I want to die from it..SO WHY THE FUCK DO I DO IT??? WHY? yeah ... Anna (my new t)  would ask me the same thing...she asks me why a lot, especially if something makes me feel shity "so if [insert action] makes you feel like shit and guilty, sounds like a good idea ( sarcasm, obviously ) so why do you do it?? " I'm really starting to like her and look forward to our sessions ( even though they have to be at 7 AM ) because of work.

xoxo -Lisa

ps- haven't cut since Saturday =) HOLLA.

There's a time...

... for healing
There's a time for all purposes under the sun
There's a time for laughter
There's a time to let go and a time to hold on...


I feel as if I'm doing better this afternoon. This morning was a shitshow. I probably "mini-purged" 10+ times. I havn't cut today which is good. 


I've told my parents how much I'm struggling but I'm hoping things turn around for me soon. 


I weighed myself today- which is stupid- dumb idea- dumb dumb dumb- DUMB. goddammit- dumb. 


I just want things to be better, maybe I need another change in my meds. I can get better. I CAN. I CAN.

xoxo -Lisa

wtf...

...I binged this morning- purged when I walked into work. I had an hour lunch break, spent the first 30 minutes praying that I wouldn't b/p...spend the next like ... 8 minutes shoving half of panera's pasteries into my mouth and the last 20 minutes of my break purging in the bathroom... oh and then I went and ate some pizza that our boss brought in and of course ended up in the bathroom at work. OH RIGHT and then I came home and continued to cut up my left shoulder with my ever so dandy razor. I hate my life. WHY CAN'T I GET MY SHIT TOGETHER?!

I finally got a full time job- yes, it's not the best ever- it's not exactly what I've wanted - I wanted a secretarial position. The place that took me out to eat to talk about my ED is still bugging me to work with them and I just have no idea if I can or not- so I took this other job. I'm full time but part of me wants to ask if I can be part time, but I have nothing else to do with my time anyway... but it's just tiring working and OH YEAH WORKING IS SUPPOSED TO KEEP ME FROM BINGING AND PURGING. RIGHT. RIGHT. RIGHT. FUCK ME.

xoxo -Lisa

Still sitting in shock

...the job that I was offered- the boss took me out to lunch to discuss my EATING DISORDER. LUNCH. WTF. This is what happens when one gets jobs through asian connections- people talk- WAY TOO MUCH. So, I turned the job down- I was in shock when she started to ask my about my "disease" as she called it. I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED. I sat through it smiling, answering questions and asking if she had any other questions when all I wanted to do was cry, scream and throw glass plates on the floor...

on another note: I wrote Nancy an email expressing how much she meant to me and what a difference she made in my life. I had to make sure she knew and she responded well :) I don't understand how I can be so mad and love someone so much at the same time.

xoxo -Lisa

The saga continues...

OMG- so I did end up emailing Nancy and the whole thing turned into a clusterfuck all within one day. She expressed concern about me meeting with her and wanted to speak with A about it. I got really upset and emailed her back and she emailed me back in a very stern/putting up boundaries but soft way. I'm still not very used to her with these boundaries... in fact- I'm not used to them at all. All it made me do was curl up into a ball and cry. I cried for atleast one hour straight and then stupidly got out my razors... way to go Lisa.

Then due to this whole fiasco I emailed Nancy and said fuck it ( well not those exact words ) but basically I've decided I am not ready to see you and I want to leave things where they were before I emailed you.

Y'all were right. Some relationships just end and I have to learn how to deal with it. It still sends me into a reel of tears though. Why does one person matter so much to me? WHY?!

xoxo -Lisa

ps- I got offered a big girl job- one for college graduates- full time- etc. and of course instead of celebrating yesterday i spent the day in tears over Nancy. GREAT. JUST GREAT. >.<

but on the bright side- I didn't purge on Monday and only purged like twice yesterday. Hopefully no purging or cutting today.

sit with it...

I had my first session with A today that wasn't an intake. It went really well I think. She's a lot softer than I expected and her boundaries are a good thing for me. I need to sit with a lot of things in my life that I really don't know how to sit with. The first one being the feeling of being full. The second one being emotions in general...speaking of emotions...I started to discuss my relationship with Nancy with A towards the end of our session and of course burst out into uncontrollable retarded looking tears. I wish just wish I could truly explain how I feel towards that relationship. It makes my heart hurt thinking about it and it confuses me so much. It's not like a breakup feeling but yet it is. Sometimes I wish I could just let Nancy know how much she hurt me but I don't know... I really don't.

I'm going down to Atlanta in June and I am debating if i should ask Nancy if I can meet w/her so that I can tie up some of the loose ends I'm discovering now. I have questions to ask her and things I need to say. Yet, I'm afraid that she'll reject me and say that she doesn't think we should meet. I'm terrified of that and I don't think I could take no for an answer... I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I want to use my voice but I'm terrified.

Sometimes... I wish I could just have other people KNOW how I feel. It's too hard to always express it. It's too hard to be in recovery. I didn't purge today but lord knows how little I ate as well...I just can't ...seem to get away from symptoms. It seems to be one or another. 

I don't know- i just know I haven't purged today and I don't want to fuck that up. :)

xoxo -Lisa

I'm done trying

I'm just going to do it...yesterday's goal didn't work out so well so I'm just going to make it NOT an option to purge- I'm done "trying" not to purge- I'm just not going to allow myself to get to the point where I'll want to. And if that means starting off w/restricting- then so be it. I need to stop purging is the point.

I see the stern therapist tomorrow- I'm going to call her A. I am actually quite excited and nervous to see her...I hope it goes well. I also have to go to our local community college- 45 minutes away - to sign up for classes...boo.

xoxo -Lisa

I went with my gut

I chose the stern one. My gut was telling me that was what I needed to do. I'm scared and I had a dream that the Charis center switched me to a different therapist because she didn't want me/they decided I was too much for her. weird dream...

Also- I realized this morning- I've lost my hunger/fullness cues...AGAIN. fml. I can't eat and eat and won't realize i'm full until I'm massively stuffed and need to purge. I HATE IT. I haven't gone one day without purging in a long time. I had a bit of a slip up this morning- REFLUX ( hate it ) but I'm not counting it. TODAY WILL BE DAY 1. I hope. My family won't be home for most of it so I'm not sure...I'm scared to be honest. I want it to be be day 1 but I'm just not sure...I'm just hoping. I want to be able to eat like a normal person without feeling like a pregnant manatee. I want to feel satiated without stuffing myself to the core and then purging. I want to stop bloating myself with my purging. I JUST WANT THINGS TO EVEN OUT...why is it so damn hard?

xoxo -Lisa

Decisions...

....well it looks like I found a psych, primary care doc and nutritionist at the Charis center- all that is left is a therapist. I'm not sure if I can see the others if I don't see the therapist is the problem...that leaves me with what I feel like is no voice... isn't that great?

I have an appt with another outside therapist tomorrow afternoon and if I like her- I don't know what I'm going to do... part of me wants to cancel just in case I do like her so I don't have to deal with the issue and instead just see the stern therapist who seems nice... but I like to have my options open...should I just cancel? UGH. I don't know- I don't like to just throw away an option if I don't have to. I have a good feeling about this therapist but I've had a hell of a time finding a psychiatrist...the one I saw the other day I did not like at all...I guess if it comes down to it- I'll see the new therapist and the odd psychiatrist.

I was thinking in the car while driving home if I would live my life over again the way it's been and the answer to that is a big fat fucking no. I would do so much differently. I know this is a total case of the what ifs...but i would have pretty much ...been more perfect. I know that sounds ridiculous but I wish my grades were higher so I'd have more doors open for me for graduate school- I'm totally regretting some of my undergraduate nights that I should have spent at the library instead...oh yeah and the day i started purging and cutting- that too...o right- also the guys I dated- would I do it again because I learned something or whatever that cliche is? NO.

I'd keep my support and friends though- those are basically the only relationships I treasure.


xoxo -Lisa

I hate dating

I had to leave my two babies in Atlanta so today I went out and bought "Puffin". She's adorable. Gray tabby...

I've seen 9 therapists in the last two months of my pathetic existance and i'm getting so sick of it. I saw someone this morning who had me pegged from the beginning. My borderline- dependency issues. She warned me she'd put up really strict boundaries and etc. She knew what she was talking about but it seems to me that she's already pegging me to be the typical manipulative borderline ( okay...which I may be ...) but dude, I want a chance. I still don't know if I want to see her though, she just seems so ...warm but stern. Am I ready for stern? Amy was badass but I woudn't say stern- Nancy...stern, no. warm? yes. amazing? yes. STERN- I AM NOT USED TO.

I don't know what I'm looking for in a therapist but I ain't finding it and it's PISSING me off. I'm starting to wonder if any decision I make is right, I seriously... wonder sometimes if it's even possible for me to make a decision that's good for me or if I just need others making the decision for me right now. I've realized in res/inpatient it's not like we get to chose our therapist either- I'm just throwing too many away...but I mean in all honesty, I didn't like them. WHO THE HELL KNOWS? WHY IS THERAPIST CHOOSING LIKE DATING? I HATE DATING.

xoxo -Lisa