:-) Had a good day!

I spent today smiling! I had a great sesh this morning with my T! Things went great. I got my work laptop today and got assigned a work email address- I'm finally legit. "I'm a big kid now" haha.

The ED part... I'm still struggling pretty hardcore but TODAY IS DAY TWO OF NO PURGING! I haven't had a day 2 in a long long time. I want to purge my dinner so badly and I feel like a moooo mooo cow but I can do this. I CAN do it. I HAVE to do it. I HAVE to learn to eat without purging. I have to learn to eat a normal amount. I can do this... I can deal with the weight restoration... even though i really don't want to.

xoxo -Lisa

Getting back up after a long fall down...

I have to get my ass in gear. Which means the first thing I need to do is lessen my symptoms...so i can GAIN fucking weight. That's the hardest part of this entire thing right now.

It's not like "Lisa stop b/p" - it's "Lisa gain about x number of lbs"

I CAN'T ( WON'T as my therapist said to replace all can'ts with won'ts ) do this.

WEIGHT GAIN MAKES MY ED FLIP HIS SHIT.

I CANNOT go back into treatment. I have a feeling if I get weighed at this weight- I'm going to be thrown in the php program here. I have an AMAZING job that I can't lose. I need to do this and also- I need to learn how to live and stay in recovery in a normal life setting. I've been in enough treatment centers to know WHAT to do. I have to work hard and do this...

but it's soooo hard.... the idea of weight gain. HOW DID I LET MYSELF SLIDE THIS FAR OFF THE RECOVERY WAGON?
 
Can I do this on my own? It seems impossible to just do it on my own....( by own i mean with an outpatient team...not ALL ALONE )

I NEED TO RECOVER.

HOW THE HELL DID I LET IT GET THIS FAR?!


xoxo -Lisa

let me introduce...

...Thor. Thor is a bastard. Thor is a cunt. Thor is ruining my life. Thor won't go away. Thor is constantly yelling at me. Thor abuses me. Thor calls me bad names and discourages me. Thor is my abusive boyfriend that won't go away. I am technically "single" guys. I'm as "single" as one gets. Thor is my eating disorder. Yes, I named my ED. I don't want to just call it an ED. I want to put a name to this creature that is ruining my life.

I made another video and despite what I said in my last post- - -I'm going to link them. ( changed my mind haha )   

My insurance changed... my benefits suck now. I am only allotted 30 therapy sessions a year ( 30 seshs that my insurance will cover ) IN network.

I just realized that in my first video I was talking about how I applied for a job at the Apple store... HAHAHAHA. That was in Atlanta and I now live in Indiana with a corporate job. Wow, life changes fast....

My scale is lying to me. End of story.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AQtvhb0xbFk



xoxo -Lisa

Time to be brave...

...time to own up to my actions. I've got to tell my therapist that today was one big giant fuck up mess. When I self destruct- I guess I go all out. All of my coping mechanisms ( well healthy ones ) fly out of my head and instead I use every single self destructing behavior I have. WHY do I do this? WHY DO I BINGE/PURGE? WHY DO I TAKE LAXATIVES? WHY DO I CUT? WHY DO I RESTRICT? WHY WHY WHY DAMMIT....

I'm struggling right now. I have moments of really wanting recovery- of really trying and I have other moments where I just want to give in. I have nothing left in me to fight sometimes. I just want to lay down, fall asleep- wake up and have everything be okay.... to have a good day---- one that isn't interrupted by ED thoughts every few minutes. I just want to be okay... that's all I ask for.

Nancy still hasn't responded to my email and she probably never will. that pisses me off and makes me feel like shit. I think I need to cut all ties with nancy and amy...but that saddens me...A LOT. TOO MUCH EVEN. AGH. I don't know.

I think I might start vlogging again... I'm not going to post on here everytime that I update my vlog but I will post the link to my youtbue channel this one time.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OogKyCF-wwc&feature=channel_video_title
 
xoxo -Lisa

I don't really feel anything...

I feel pissed sometimes but other than that... I'm not feeling. I'm numb. I feel fat and numb. That SUCKS. This would have been the weekend I would have gone down to Atlanta to see my friends and have a goodbye sesh with Amy. I don't know if I want a goodbye sesh with her anymore- things have kind of changed. I guess I'm upset about it. I don't know. Still kinda feeling... NOTHINGGGGGGGGG...

I emailed Nancy last night- nothing yet... *fingers crossed*

my life is a joke. one big sarcastic joke.


xoxo -Lisa

Gaining...

I'm going to enjoy food. I'm going to restore my weight. I've flushed my laxatives, I'm going to keep my scale though...

but I am going to start enjoying food- this doesn't mean binging but eating when I want to/am hungry. I'm going to NOT obsess about my weight. I'm going to move on with my life...right? right... I think I can do this. Why is it so hard to be sure?

recovery is possible.

xoxo -Lisa

After a 7 AM appointment

I feel better...I spoke with my therapist and she constantly reminded me that she cares, that the reason she couldn't respond to my email and phone calls were because of something personal that happened. She wasn't ignoring me and telling me to go do this myself. She is well aware that I CANNOT do this myself. We discussed how she would respond when she does and things such as that. I think I can work w/this. If not, we also discussed maybe that I need a therapist that can offer different things... I don't want to be kicked out again...

In terms of my ED- All I hear is this "I JUST WANT TO BE SKINNNNNNNNYYYYYYYYYYY" Yeah, having a hard time coping with my weight and what I eat. It sounds so vain and stupid. please don't judge me. I wish this were easier. I see others eat and I wish I could do the same...I started using laxatives but I told my therapist I'd take things one day at a time and not take any...for today.

I can do this?


xoxo -Lisa

i feel oddly functional...

...and I'm not doing so well eating disorder wise...but I feel totally functional. that makes me even more on the fence about recovery. ALSO- fml- boundaries. I hate them. My current t never emailed me back and it hurt so much that she didn't. Amy was late in responding to an email too so that hurt as well on top of A( my t ) not responding to my email and she probably never will. I had to cry in hysterics for her to offer me her work email address.

...things are just so different treatment wise. I don't really want to move forward treatment wise from where I am right now bc I feel fine.

xoxo -Lisa

Learning to be alone...

...with most of my friends having graduated college... it's really a time for everyone to kind of learn how to be alone. Graduating college means that your social circle scatters, people leave for home, jobs and whatever else takes them away from where they just spent the last 4 years of their lives. 4 years of torture, fun, love and hate all at the same time...

I had to learn how to be alone last year, after I graduated and lived on my own. I was lucky that a lot of my friends were still in atl....but now having moved home ( yes, back to the ole nesty nest ) where I'm reconnecting with old friends but at the same time- I'm more alone that ever in a way. I may be home because I needed someone to take care of me ( thank you eating disorder for taking away my freedom ) but I feel alone- really alone. But I need to sit with it. I have no other choice.

I'm on the fence about recovery.

I finally have a job I like and it pays quite well :- ) and I'm getting by with my ED right now so it's hard to be all gung ho about recovery when I feel like I am being successful right now -- I don't feel dysfunctional anymore...

it's weird.


xoxo -Lisa

Costco panick and bpd

So, in an effort to get me out of the house, my parents dragged me along with them to costco ( big warehouse store ) and I flipped out ( silently )... i saw so many foods there that I WANTED to be able to eat...but I just won't allow myself to eat. THUS- PANICK ATTACK...

well. fuck me. there are a million great food items out there ( SUCH AS DINO NUGGETS that I USED to LOVE :P ) that I would love to be able to eat now. Yes, DINO NUGGETS- judge me all you want...

I just want to not care what I eat. the end.

also- my bpd is kickin in. hardcore. 

xoxo -Lisa

My mind is spinning

I've had a few good moments ( the weather is getting so much better here ). I have awesome friends that have been a wonderful support system and I don't know how I'd live w/out them. My therapeutic support on the other hand is kinda lacking and it's pissing me off. I don't really know what to make of it. Maybe that's how it's supposed to be. I just have no access to my team at all if I'm not PHYSICALLY in the center.

My head is spinning with thoughts at the moment... good ones and bad ones. I've had a few really bad body image days which aren't helping with the ED symptoms. I'm probably at my lowest point with ED symptoms right now... except maybe before I left for Rosewood...not sure...

I just feel as if I need some more therapeutic support or maybe that I was spoiled and need to learn to lean on others and myself and not on therapists.. I just remember Nancy telling me that it was okay to lean on her, sometimes I needed that. WELL I NEED IT NOW AND WHERE IS SHE? not here. great. wonderful.

but I'm determined to make today better than yesterday. one step & day at a time. baby steps. 

xoxo -Lisa

It's not you, it's me... literally

Why is it so easy for me to just self sabetoge? My therapist and I were talking about that today. She was saying how I've sabotaged most relationships- therapeutic or not- i've been in. Thus, instead of getting rejected/abandoned I sabotage the relationship and then there is a reason the person left. ie- I was cutting too much. ie- I screamed at him weekly to walk away from me ( yes...I did that..FAIL ). I then have a reason as to why they left- it wasn't ME but someTHING I did. Thus, I can think it wasn't me... it wasn't me...but really...i was me.

xoxo -Lisa

Did therapy ruin me?

I've become addicted to therapy? Has it ruined me? Sometimes I really wonder if I would have been better off never being in therapy... I feel like I was a much more functional person before. I got so attached to Nancy and then Amy that I feel like they've ruined me. I feel like I've lost a parent which is a really hard thing to go through...

...one of my friends yesterday told me that Amy would "of course" see her after she got back from ip/res... Amy definitely did not say that to me. She said maybe and then when I said if I did transfer if she would help me transition and she said yes. The fact that Amy rejected me and took my friend on...sent me into a horrible frenzy.  b/p , cutting, yup- the works. I don't even know if I can bare to see Amy anymore... not mad at all at the friend- my craziness is beyond her control and Amy's..just wish I weren't so crazy ... fucking borderline.

SO, I got myself another job- in sales and marketing with a company here in town. I'm excited. I told them about my situation and they are willing to work around my therapy. I can randomly up and leave when I need to as long as I get my work done... YAY! one major positive thing. And the pay is really good tooooo.

smile Lisa smile. I can get through the day. One day at a time--- great, now I'm talkin to myself..

xoxo -Lisa

Trip to the ATL

So I'd been planning a trip to ATL in June...and now- I'm not quite sure if I should postpone it. I really want to see my friends down there and I really want to see Amy but the entire trip is going to cost me close to $400 which is kinda all I have in my bank account...

I WANT to see my friends and I WANT to go- I just don't know if it'll send me into a panic and depression because I want to be there so badly- I'm scared of that part. I'm actually terrified that I just won't want to leave once I'm down there... even though I have to...but yet I WANT TO GO--- I'm just scared...

I'm scared it will bring up old things, but it could always help...I don't know. opinions?

xoxo -Lisa

I needed you

A...( my t ) I needed you last night but I had no way of getting ahold of you. Nancy, I needed you last night but you kicked me out. Amy, I needed you but I am no longer in your care...

I needed someone last night. I thank Marie for talking to me. I really do. I needed someone. If this were a few months ago - I would have called Nancy/Amy screaming, bawling and throwing a fit.

I can't believe last night happened. I can't believe that my 2 best friends in the world... one ended up in the ER and the other set her boundaries with me. I'm not sure if she thinks setting these boundaries will force me to get better but right now I'm just upset, I understand why she's doing what she's doing but I'm angry.

Borderline is ruining my life... borderline and ED. RUINS IT.

I woke up this morning- forgot to take my meds. binged and purged and then decided that my life sucks so I quit my job too. Now I'm jobless, bloated and feeling shitty. One thing I have yet to do is cut...who knows if I will. I don't know right now if I have the strength to not... I don't know. A doesn't care if I do or not and that almost bothers me but yet that also can keep me from doing it because it seems so stupid, but yet it's not.

fuck this.


xoxo -Lisa

work...

I was reading Sarah's blog about work and I get that way all the time, even now. I get such anxiety before work it's insane. I know I can do it- I know what I need to do there- I've gotten good feedback but there are so many days that I just want to cry and scream that I can't, can't, can't do it before I go, days where all I want to do is hide and cry--- but gotta put that smile on and go. Time to be a big girl ( hopefully )... at least for now. I think the Stepping Stone idea that Sarah wrote about is a good idea. I've only been at this job for ... I believe today was my 4th shift and the anxiety I get about GOING- just GOING is so much. Once I'm there, I'm okay. It's just GETTING there. I wish I knew why...

I feel like the longer I struggle with food- the harder it gets. This shit has got to stop soon but there's a part of me that just wants to continue to lose. If 100% of me wanted to get better- I'd be better. I know that- where there's a will- there's a way. My mom is at a meeting right now at the Charis Center ( Center for EDs ) for parents. I'm nervous about what they are going to say about how to deal with me... lately it's been pretty difficult since I've been refusing food... yeah. I'm regressing to back how I was before I went to Rosewood- liquid calories... safe foods..

This way of life is so temporary unless I want to die from it..SO WHY THE FUCK DO I DO IT??? WHY? yeah ... Anna (my new t)  would ask me the same thing...she asks me why a lot, especially if something makes me feel shity "so if [insert action] makes you feel like shit and guilty, sounds like a good idea ( sarcasm, obviously ) so why do you do it?? " I'm really starting to like her and look forward to our sessions ( even though they have to be at 7 AM ) because of work.

xoxo -Lisa

ps- haven't cut since Saturday =) HOLLA.

There's a time...

... for healing
There's a time for all purposes under the sun
There's a time for laughter
There's a time to let go and a time to hold on...


I feel as if I'm doing better this afternoon. This morning was a shitshow. I probably "mini-purged" 10+ times. I havn't cut today which is good. 


I've told my parents how much I'm struggling but I'm hoping things turn around for me soon. 


I weighed myself today- which is stupid- dumb idea- dumb dumb dumb- DUMB. goddammit- dumb. 


I just want things to be better, maybe I need another change in my meds. I can get better. I CAN. I CAN.

xoxo -Lisa

wtf...

...I binged this morning- purged when I walked into work. I had an hour lunch break, spent the first 30 minutes praying that I wouldn't b/p...spend the next like ... 8 minutes shoving half of panera's pasteries into my mouth and the last 20 minutes of my break purging in the bathroom... oh and then I went and ate some pizza that our boss brought in and of course ended up in the bathroom at work. OH RIGHT and then I came home and continued to cut up my left shoulder with my ever so dandy razor. I hate my life. WHY CAN'T I GET MY SHIT TOGETHER?!

I finally got a full time job- yes, it's not the best ever- it's not exactly what I've wanted - I wanted a secretarial position. The place that took me out to eat to talk about my ED is still bugging me to work with them and I just have no idea if I can or not- so I took this other job. I'm full time but part of me wants to ask if I can be part time, but I have nothing else to do with my time anyway... but it's just tiring working and OH YEAH WORKING IS SUPPOSED TO KEEP ME FROM BINGING AND PURGING. RIGHT. RIGHT. RIGHT. FUCK ME.

xoxo -Lisa

Still sitting in shock

...the job that I was offered- the boss took me out to lunch to discuss my EATING DISORDER. LUNCH. WTF. This is what happens when one gets jobs through asian connections- people talk- WAY TOO MUCH. So, I turned the job down- I was in shock when she started to ask my about my "disease" as she called it. I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED. I sat through it smiling, answering questions and asking if she had any other questions when all I wanted to do was cry, scream and throw glass plates on the floor...

on another note: I wrote Nancy an email expressing how much she meant to me and what a difference she made in my life. I had to make sure she knew and she responded well :) I don't understand how I can be so mad and love someone so much at the same time.

xoxo -Lisa

The saga continues...

OMG- so I did end up emailing Nancy and the whole thing turned into a clusterfuck all within one day. She expressed concern about me meeting with her and wanted to speak with A about it. I got really upset and emailed her back and she emailed me back in a very stern/putting up boundaries but soft way. I'm still not very used to her with these boundaries... in fact- I'm not used to them at all. All it made me do was curl up into a ball and cry. I cried for atleast one hour straight and then stupidly got out my razors... way to go Lisa.

Then due to this whole fiasco I emailed Nancy and said fuck it ( well not those exact words ) but basically I've decided I am not ready to see you and I want to leave things where they were before I emailed you.

Y'all were right. Some relationships just end and I have to learn how to deal with it. It still sends me into a reel of tears though. Why does one person matter so much to me? WHY?!

xoxo -Lisa

ps- I got offered a big girl job- one for college graduates- full time- etc. and of course instead of celebrating yesterday i spent the day in tears over Nancy. GREAT. JUST GREAT. >.<

but on the bright side- I didn't purge on Monday and only purged like twice yesterday. Hopefully no purging or cutting today.