I want to feel...

After being in a dissociated fog ( and then high as a kite ) all day yesterday and today due to an unnecessary increase in one of my meds ( which I am totally going down on )...I realized I WANTED TO FEEL. Last year, I never would have said this. I would have totally abused this drug...but I realized how annoyed yesterday and today I was because I was in this dumb fog and couldn't process my emotions. I just wanted to feel again. I told Nancy today in therapy that I'd rather be crying over everything right now than be in this fog.

I used to crave this numbness. When cutting didn't do it for me in high school, i turned to purging and I did that for a while last year too then I just left it at binging and purging. Then the restricting started and my mind became consumed with with weight and losing it. I'm still not at the weight I was when I started restricting and I honestly still hope I never will be...

but during these years I really learned how not to feel for more than a few moments and then move on. I had to function- I had to keep going , I had no choice. Until I graduated college- I finally turned or help because I couldn't handle it anymore and I finally could stop with my path and take a break.

The first time in a LONG TIME- I WANT TO FEEL. I want to be able to process what I feel so I can take care of it...

I WANT TO LEARN HOW TO DEAL WITH MY EMOTIONS. I told Nancy today that I would rather be in a massive state of distress than the high/sedated state I was in. She told me that she was glad to hear that because it symbolized something healthy in me that actually wanted to be human.

I am sick of just crying or numbing out -->then walking away from traumtic or bad situations and just blocking them out and moving on. I know now I have some really bad issues due to the fact that I never addressed some of the things that happened to me. From the moment I was involved in them, I never told anyone how bad it was- I didn't want anyone to tell me that I needed to get out- because I couldn't until he left me. That's how it always has been since then- i don't leave a bad situation until the other person dissappears in an extent or I find someone else when I truly feel done which is usually not until I've been involved way too long.

Hopefully these next few weeks with Nancy will be really helpful, address my attachement issues-- just realized she specializes in attachment therapy so I feel really safe w/her right now... help me cope better and then I can also take advantage of Amy's experience with trauma, EMDR and anxiety disorders. I for once feel lucky that I get this chance to go back to Amy for a bit. I have assesbility to two GREAT therapists that are both specialized in what I have issues in. I feel liek the next 6-8 weeks give me A PERFECT opportunity to really move forward and address a lot of issues and then put them to play.

I have not gone more than 3-4 days without speaking to Nancy, she's going to be out for a few weeks. It's going to be really hard for me to not call her. It's already hard for me to think about the fact that I can't contact her- I don't know how to not yet. The thought of it makes me so sad but as Amy said today...I kept saying she was leaving- she is not leaving- she is taking a break and coming back. SHE IS COMING BACK and Nancy kept saying that I will be okay and I said yeah at the very worst I will def be alive and she said "YOU BETTER BE"...and Amy hugged me today. I was def shocked when she reached out for a hug. I def had a few seconds of delay...but I realized she genuinally cared too and that she did miss me while I was gone.

=) I'm being positive and I hope to keep it up.

xoxo -Lisa