excuse my horrid language but that's what today has been. I woke up fine, I was fine for the majority of today. I really was, just relaxing , dreading Tuesday. Then all of a sudden out of no where- I started to feel overly overwhelmed. Like everything was just not right. Like I'm a 5 year old and can't handle life when it gets rough. When the going gets rough, I drown.I know this has something to do w/my stupid ass attachment issues and Nancy leaving- that really really has just had me off kilter for a while. I can't talk to her or anyone about it without crying like a damn baby. Then my brain shuts off. Then i can't think about anything else- then I sit in her office for 50 minutes crying behind a pillow. What's wrong w/me? Up until tonight, I've been mostly fine- going to work,being exhausted, dreading work,going in anyway- the pressure of having to be perfect at wok is really starting to get to me. Once I'm there, I'm fine because I really do do my best to impress and do things perfectly. I think I'll have this issue at any job though, To be the top. Even at the telefund. So, despite the fact that I keep thinking I want to quit myjob and I can't handle it...i can't. right now I just need simple shit but the simple shit bores me and I don't want to go bc I'm so bored. I can't pinpoint all the reasons I'm overwhelmed.
I know getting another job is OUT OF THE QUESTION. I like this one. I do but why do i get so overwhelmed beforehand. I'm find once I walk in the door. I'm fine once I get in my car. It's just the night before. I want to be perfect at work, I don't want to make a single mistake.
I made an emergency appt with my psych tomorrow at noon. He's fitting me in when he normally eats lunch. I need to talk to him about some issues that I can't even bring up here. I don't know why this evening is so rough. It has to do w/no one else but myself and my brain. I feel empty. REALLY REALLY EMPTY.
And I feel like if I don't start becoming an adult, supporting myself ( partially at least ), working a job and being indepedent...I'm a failure. I can't fail again.
My days go so in and out...but I've been on the outs for far too long. i'm just too scared to bring it up w/my psych or Nancy because I finally got my "big girl" life back and I AM NOT GOING TO LOSE IT bc that's another failure, that's another set back, that's another shit ton of money, that's not time being frozen. I don't even know what it is I need to work with. What the fuck is the core of my problems.Maybe a change in meds will be good... ugh. actually looking forward to seeing my psych. had to call him his cell to beg for an emergency appt. geez.love it
ALSO I HATE CRYING. My body is not used to it--- not like the floodgates that have opened recently....i feel like someone took a hammer and bashed my skull in. advil isn't helping. AT ALL. neither is klonopin. OR tylonol. I flushed all my ambien down the toilet for unsaid reasons.... maybe I should just take my seroquel and pass the shit out.
not a good day. started out well. somehow a flip switched and now it's shit. wtf. why am I so unstable?
xoxo -Lisa
Firstly, I think we're in the same damn boat. And it's sinking. And neither of us know how to swim. Just know that you have someone who is mirroring everything you've posted: the crying, the fear of failure, the empty-ness. It fucking sucks.
ReplyDeleteSecondly, did you have a weird as hell reaction to Ambien? I seriously passed out and then sleep-took more Ambien. I had phone conversations with MY BOSS that I don't remember. Ended up taking 9 Ambien in 3 days and I flushed those suckers down the toilet!
Thirdly, why not talk to the psych? It's what you're paying them for, and it always helps me to at least tell someone.
I hope it gets better when you talk to your psych. I know how it feels and it sucks :( I am really happy to read that you are doing well in your job despite your anxiety. Let us know how the psych appt goes!
ReplyDeleteI don't think it helps to ask "Why?". You'll never get an answer, and even if you did, it wouldn't help.
ReplyDeleteI hope you can find peace.
And one more thing- I'm an adult, too. I feel like I can't handle it a LOT of the time. I mean ALL of the time. So don't beat yourself up. There are others of us out here- people older than you- who still don't get it.
ReplyDeleteBlow off work for a few days and come find your footing in AUGUSTA. with ME.
ReplyDelete