Nancy still has 3 weeks before her leave- altho she will be back. I have to constantly remind myself that she'll only be gone for 6-8 sessions anyway. I have 6 more sessions with her. I have been able to process what it is that is making me so upset about her taking leave. She's given me so much guidance, understood me and listened to me like no one really has before. I feel scared about what to do when she's gone because I'm worried that I can't make the right decisions on my own. I was pretty lost and very guarded and made many many decisions before therapy that I wish I hadn't made. I had no guidance that I trusted because culturally things were different between my parents and I. I was also very stubborn and my friends were my age. We were all immature and trying to figure out life. I don't blame any of the negative or traumatic things that happened on anyone because I know that everyone was really trying to figure things out and no one meant any harm on anyone else. I just know the decisions I've made since seeing Nancy M have been vastly different and better. I just know that I've been able to face life and even though many things have made me upset, overwhelmed and angry- I am finally understanding why I am the way I am. It's a much better trade-off for the numbness I had for so long and just chalking up my personality that I was a bitch. At the point that I finally saw Nancy...I just accepted that I was a bitch but also a strong independent woman who could handle anything. Being the bitch were my walls protecting the not so independent girl that was behind them.
Hopefully in 6 sessions, I can figure out a way to not be scared to be on my own. I technically won't even be on my own. I'll have Amy, my psych and my friends. Nancy has just played such a huge part in my life in the past few months while I've been in recovery...while I've learned who I was. I have not spent over... probably 3 or 4 days in the last 6 months not talking to her over the phone at least and never more than one week in person. The last time I LEFT and didn't see her for a week was in May and I came back a pretty ridiculous mess. The last time SHE LEFT on vacation but still called me twice for phone sessions- I cried both time. But May was 6 months ago, and her vacation was at least 3 months ago. I've come a long way since then. I will figure something out AND she will be back. AND I'll be stronger when she gets back.Sometimes...I really wish I were 14 again. I feel like things were simpler back then but i know that back then--- I sure didn't think so. But in comparison to now-- I'd take those problems to these anyday. Except I felt as if I had no freedom. That was the issue (problem )then...but I view relationships as so much more naive, less jaded and simpler.
xoxo -Lisa
Nancy taking leave has caused you a lot of anxiety, but it's good to see that you're coming around to accept it and starting to have confidence that you can handle it. You can do it, Lisa. Just use the things you've been taught in therapy.
ReplyDeleteI understand you have a strong connection with Nancy, but perhaps she has served her purpose in your life to its fullest extent. She seems to have given you the tools and the willpower and independence to cope with things in better way. Stay strong, love, even after Nancy leaves. You are a strong, beautiful, independent person and you can make it through anything. Take care, love.
ReplyDeleteLove Always,
Camille
I understand how hard this can be. I recently switched t's, or rather, was forced to and was beside myself thinking there was no way I could survive without her. But the strangest thing happened. I found someone who has been an absolute god send. Someone I don't think I even deserve. It's hard to believe it now, but things can turn out better than you expect sometimes.
ReplyDeleteI always have a difficult time surrounding my therapist's vacations, but I always get through it and become stronger as a result. It's great that you have such a strong relationship with Nancy, and as you said, you clearly have your psych and friends in her absence, so you won't *really* be alone. I think it's wonderful that you are able to address your feelings surrounding her impending absence. In the past, I've had a difficult time with that. Allowing yourself to pinpoint and explore those feelings in a sign of emotional maturity and it certainly not easy to do. Again, I'm impressed by your ability to express and convey how you're feeling. Be well! *hugs*
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