"She chose men with charisma who attracted women easily and were UNLIKELY to commit to any one RELATIONSHIP for long. "

I've been reading ( or read ) this book -Lost in the Mirror- An inside look at borderline personality disorder- it's another story of my life practically. It explains way too much. It was like a textbook for me on how to view myself, why I feel certain ways and how to slowly help me cope. I even tabbed the pages and highlighted. Hah, I feel like I'm in school again. But I'm being horridly tormented by attachment and emotion regulation issues right now and I just need my hands to grasp onto anything that I can so I don't slip any further.

This one passage describes and marks my involvements/relationships for the past 2-3 years perfectly. It really was stunning just how it was 100% me. Not 99%, but 100%. "She chose men who were colorful and adventurous. "She chose men with charisma who attracted women easily and were UNLIKELY to commit to any one RELATIONSHIP for long. With each one, she soon became sexually involved, which led promptly to disillusionment, betrayal and rage".  Yes, so secretly, well not so much anymore since i just announced it to the world, all the times I've done what I have done and "been okay" I really wasn't. I really was just angry at myself the next morning. I remember every-time after one of my what I called legit "fuck ups" I would listen to "i do not hook up" by kelly clarkson on my ipod on the way to class. the irony. hah. I've made up my mind- this is not happening anymore. I'm taking care of myself or once- I'm watching out for my own feelings and not building my self esteem off of these games because the self esteem is truly so short lived and temporary-- not worth it

Things have changed- I literally cannot think of sex without getting nauseous or feeling gross. I have absolutely no desire to choose anyone or feel the disillusionment, betrayal and rage that I've "felt" in the past. The quotations are there because the second I felt them, I stopped feeling so I could numb them and continue to function. To this day, I am slightly jealous of my friends that supposedly can hook up and not get messed up mentally by the actions.

 I am coming to realize I am just too fragile and sensitive ( I HATE THOSE TWO WORDS ). This is the first time I've really written/talked about a boy in my blog--big step for me to open this up for the world. I think my anxiety levels just went up 10x...But.

This summer, a boy said he was worried about getting involved w/me because I was in a fragile spot right now. I basically screamed at him that I was "a big girl and not fragile". Yeah, bullshit. I knew it was a lie when I said it but there was no way I was going to admit that he was right...even though I knew it. Even though I knew from the very beginning that things were not going to work out. He knew it too. Why did we get involved then? I don't know. I struggle in believing he really cared but no other answer makes sense...how did it end? I finally pushed too hard and it was a pretty mutual understanding that neither o us could mentally handle each other anymore. I push/pulled him everyday in my head. Should I push him away/ should i let him stay? Should I walk away/should I beg him to stay? EVERYDAY- every hour. I even used a mathematical equation to try to figure out the answer- the answer I got was- "the solution is unknown- either way works" SERIOUSLY? Well as I've finally picked up on what my crazy actions were called- push/pull. I push people away but at the same time pull them in. A good example is once to this boy I said " I'm INsecure, fix it or walk away" OKAY SERIOUSLY?! Looking back and even right after those words came out of my mouth I realized how pathetic and ridiculous that sounded. Rationally, this makes no sense. I still don't understand why I do it except I know this much- as much as I like someone- i hate them just the same. I'm scared every moment of the day that they are going to wake up and be like I can't do this. Which is almost the scenario here because the decision was made quite hastily but it definitely was going to happen at some point. Am I hurt? Not really because the real side of me knew this wasn't going to last. Am I upset? YES- because I still was hoping my gut was wrong. Am I over it? No. But the thought of getting close to someone again, even him- makes me want to hurl.

on a side note: I realize my blog has been quite depressing recently- as a friend so gently pointed out- and it's just so difficult for me to see positives when I'm engrossing myself with all the negatives I notice. But, it's not an all or nothing life ( repeat this to myself 100x over ) and nothing is black and white. I do have positives. I quit one job and got another legit one the next day. I'm lucky, there are so many people out there who can't find ANY jobs, much less jump straight from one to another. I have amazing friends and probably one of the best support systems out there. I have a friend almost for every need that I currently have. So, thank you for your support. I do recognize it and I do see the sun..it just is hard to remember to look sometimes. 

xoxo -Lisa