"Bear in mind you have a life to live. There is an incredible loss. There is a profound grief. And there is, in the end, after a long time and more work than you ever thought possible, a time when it gets easier." -Marya Hornbacher

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Sadness...

....what an emotion. Sadness is not a pure white clean emotion. Sadness is a grey, cloudy feeling. I've always felt a need to have a solution to everything. An emotion should have a solution- to make it go away.  It's only now that I'm realizing that sadness is just an emotion that I can't always do anything about, sadness is just an emotion. There isn't really any point in making it go away, it's a phase. There's a reason for it. CRYING. ah, the concept of crying. What a door to open. Once it's open, it doesn't seem to close easily. So, honestly...yes I am a fragile, sensitive person. I get hurt easily and rarely admit it. I keep going when I am hurt in the hope that I'll change things so in the end I won't end up hurt. Yeah, that rarely happens and I just end up a bit more broken than I was before- and not admitting to it. Covering it up, then going on with life. Not crying like I do now. But at least- my emotions are going somewhere. It's a step up...I think.



I'm pretty sure that leaving ACE, having certain relationships end, having my "big sister" leave for treatment and having Nancy have to go on leave.... have really sparked something inside of me. I feel like one minute I'm okay and the next I'm thinking about one of these things and I am crying. I get sad a lot easier. Probably because I haven't allowed myself to feel sad in years. Legitimately sad...making me human. I've never been good with emotions. My emotions are so incredibly unregulated right now. Intense and then numb, but with work keeping me busy during the week, this is mainly a weekend / night thing. But it's also a positive sign I think. At least I'm feeling more than irritability, anger and annoyance.

For the first time in a long long time- I truly believe in love. When there is nothing else to do- just love. love yourself, love others...my biggest problem is letting others love me and reciprocating. being vulnerable. That's something I still don't like ... doing. Who does? I'm just so incredibly fearful of it... it can paralyze me if I allow it to.

xoxo -Lisa
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2 comments:

  1. Boston FemmeNovember 21, 2010 at 6:37 PM

    Lisa! I'm so glad you're back, I missed reading your blog! Is this your new blog or are you still writing on reach out, hold back, where is safety?

    It's painful and scary to really allow oneself to feel, but I agree that it is a step in the right direction. It makes sense that you're feeling sadness more often now, since you pushed it away for so long. Remember that the sadness will pass and that you have the strength to sit with your emotions!

    I am glad that you believe in love again, that is wonderful. As you know from my post, I can definitely relate to not liking the feeling of being vulnerable! You're right, though- you deserve love- we all do.

    Take care!!! <3

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  2. StanleyNovember 21, 2010 at 8:10 PM

    I'm glad you're back, too. I liked reading your thoughts and feelings and life.

    I have trouble crying, too, although recently I've wept while watching Star Wars Episode III and Edward Scissorhands. It can be really cleansing.

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"Feeling are ephemeral, so is life. We’re here one moment and we’re gone the next. If you keep living trying to protect yourself, nothing is every going to touch you."