...lovely...just lovely. Everytime I have a crying fest, I feel like someone has smashed my head into a brick wall. As a lovely friend told me- DRINK MORE WATER. I AM. I don't get why I'm physically feeling like SHIT. ABSOLUTE SHIT.I quit my job. i know, there goes my "big girl life" there goes having things under control and being okay. There goes my life... and here comes a giant mess. I HATE having to rely on my parents for money. I HATE it because I can't spend any money on anything other than food and gas without feeling guilty. I can't even buy books anymore without feeling like a horrible person. I even feel guilty when I buy food that I WANT and INTEND to challenge myself with to eat...and then I don't. So I have to go back to the store and buy the same shit that I do eat. I have food in my freezer, I just...can't eat half of it, so I have to keep going to store to get the same foods I do eat and when I'm there sometimes I just have a burst of "recovery" to try this food. Then I get home...and I don't.
Yano...I was doing well. I was doing really well. I had my shit under control. I was feeling much better than I had in quite a while. Then Nancy told me she was leaving for leave and ... as weird as that timing was- I felt like my world started to crash right before my eyes. I know this sounds foreign and ridiculous to most but to someone with bpd, it really can seem like the end of the world. Overly dramatic- ridiculous. I feel embarrassed. I spend my 50 minute sessions hiding behind pillows and crying in her office now. I talk about how I want to throw a tantrum, how the situation pisses me off...after a lot of... struggling because saying it... pains me and makes me feel absolutely STUPID. I feel like a dumb ass 5 year old whose nanny or mommy is leaving. I'm fucking 22 and she's my therapist.
i hate myself for this. I really do. I feel ridiculous. I feel locked in and jailed. I hate not having a job and eAll I can feel is ridiculous... because the two things in the world that I want to do the most right now is to throw a complete and utterly insane tantrum and beg her not to leave or to just do something horrible to piss her off and make her not want to see me again. Wonderful push/pull huh? Hello bpd. yes, please shut the fuck up bpd. Great, now it's not just the ED voice I have to tell to the shut up... there's another one. I've been dealing really well w/my behaviors and controlling my impulses and regulating my emotions...up until this news. I'm trying my fucking hardest to NOT use symptoms to help me get through this. I am trying so hard. I have NO DESIRE to binge or purge at all...or cut..which is good...very good...but right now I have no fucking appetite and the thought of eating anything right now is making me nauseous. I HAVE eaten today...I did have an appetite earlier..but I know I haven't not had enough for the entire day. I'm going to have to take care of myself and drink an ensure before the night is over..maybe even two. fml. that shit is expensive but the thought of food makes me feel sick right now. Another expense. Ensure because I can't eat the food. I don't know why. I'm so pissed off.
I WAS DOING SO WELL. what the hell happened? I'm nothing but pissed and self-loathing right now. I don't get to see Nancy twice this week bc my second appt of the week so wonderfully falls on Thursday and it's the wonderful holiday of thanksgiving [ sarcasm ]. I can't even go black friday shopping and reward myself with something nice well because 1) no money 2) i don't deserve it anyway. But I'm a fucking tard and emailed Nancy and asked if I could somehow see her again before next Monday because I felt like I needed to but then at the end of the email I ended it with but I'm really okay. Mixed signals any? I honestly wonder sometimes if mixed signals are just my entire brain.
Despite all of this- my support system here is so amazing. SO AMAZING. I can't imagine what I would do without my friends that check in on me all the time. In any other time in my life, I think that would annoy the shit out of me but I'm thankful for the accountability I have. Not just from friends IN atlanta. Amazing friends from Macon, Denver :) and all over. It's amazing. I don't know what I would do if I wasn't in Atlanta.
xoxo -Lisa
UPDATE: I just spoke to my rock- Katie- and I'm just much less nauseous and anxious. I'm going to go eat something :) I actually feel hungry instead of sick. Thank you love :)
I have been there Lisa. Hang in there. I have been reading your posts and you are a strong young woman. Even though you are going through a rough time, you still have YOU. That might not seem much to you right now, but one day you will see. I had abruptly quit my job once and thought my life was over. A lot of things were going on, but it got better. Took awhile, but it did :)
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that you are struggling! I feel the same way when my therapist is out of town or on vacation. I literally fall apart. Don't feel bad about it. It is great that you have been able to connect with someone like that. I think you are being entirely too hard on yourself! You need to take care of yourself, and not feel guilty. Let people help you. You are worthy of being nurtured, and that means feeding yourself too. You are in my thoughts. Sending a big {{{HUG}}}
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to see that things are so difficult right now. Hang in there, and practice some distress tolerance. Maybe watch a something distracting? When I'm upset, I pull out a SponbeBob DVD. Might not be your thing, but it sure helps me.
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