This changes me forever---

Every experience I have in life changes me in some way but some change me in more harming ways than others. Some experiences make my life much harder than it should be. It makes me make it harder than it should be because I'm constantly having a fight in my head over either relationships with the people around me or food. I am really realizing this does not have to do w/my body. The anxiety that I have been getting lately has really been affecting me physically... insomnia as well as an extreme loss of appetite.

Katie has inspired me so much by telling me her meals that she is eating at the ERC. It makes me feel like I need to eat meals instead of small snacks throughout the day. I look and stare at my fridge and get so incredibly frustrated because it seems that I have forgotten what a normal meal looks like. I stare in my freezer, I see dumplings, lean pockets, edamame, broccoli and frozen chicken breasts. I look in my fridge and see yogurt, dumplings...ensure and V8....Then my pantry- chips, pretzels and triscuits. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO WITH THIS FOOD. This is something that def has changed in my personality and ability. I've always known what to do with food. Now I feel like food will be oddly tainted in my life forever...

In fact the thought of eating food is making me nauseous again today. I walked around Kroger for 1 hour trying to see if I could see ANYTHING ANYTHING that I wanted to eat. NOPE. nothing. I bought some more lean pockets and yogurt. Good job Lisa [ sarcasm ]. I'm really just hoping that I will feel hungry later tonight instead of just sick.

I hate the attachment I have to my therapist. I hate that she has made my life so much less stressful, makes me feel less alone, makes me feel less crazy, helps me understand myself. I HATE IT. because this is making me feel like I have serious attachment issues ( go bpd ). I am constantly afraid she'll wake up one morning and think I'm too difficult of a client to deal with. I have not felt this kind of attachment with a boy, friend or parent. I felt a milder version of this attachment with my first psych but after I left him because of graduation, my symptom usage was up the room. Purging up to 30 times a week. My anxiety was so bad, I was doing everything I could to function and numbing out was the only solution I knew. Now I know better, so instead I'm just having a giant influx of emotion....and I know part of my loss of appetite is my brain subconsciously using symptoms to help regulate my emotions.

I can't let this subconscious win. But if I fight it- I feel sick. If i give in- I function. This disorder is molding who I am today- in some way- good/bad- i dont know but the past and present are making me who I am today.

xoxo -Lisa