There's a mark you leave...

I'm fragile. I bruise easily. My skin is like a map of what my heart has been through. As much as I deny it sometimes and scream that I'm a big girl and not fucking fragile...I am. I have to start being careful with myself. This doesn't mean I can't be independent and learn to take care of myself in a careful way because I am fragile which just makes me realize...if I need to handle myself with care, others that are close to me need to know to be careful as well. I still put up a guard where I verbally will not admit to this in person. I can't. It's too embarrassing. I'm supposed to be strong, smart and capable. --- I can barely handle the relationships I have. I love all my friends. I find friendship the purest form of love. There's no intense pressure and it's a 2 way street of care. The love that comes with friendship...I can take...anything that starts to go anywhere other than that...makes me run the other direction as fast as I can. I get overwhelmed because in all honesty...I'm not stable myself.

I don't know who I am. I am not secure in my own skin. I don't like myself. I have no desire to be with anyone. This is why I know i have to stay alone for now. I can't drag anyone into the mess in my head until I finally like who I am and know who it is. It's not fair for either party.

despite all this, I still find friendships so incredibly pure that I treasure many of my friendships. I drove one of my best friends to the airport this morning so she could go to Denver to work more on her recovery. I spent the entire day yesterday crying, not just because of her but because of everyone I know and because I guess once the floodgates opened, they didn't fucking stop.

As I walked away, I looked back at the ticket counter at the airport and she looked so fragile and tiny. Like she could break any minute. It made my heart break. I have people tell me they think I'm tiny and petite all the time but I have NO IDEA what they are talking about. Similar to my friend- she doesn't think she's thin or fragile looking but she is. I don't feel small but others tell me I am. Why is it all so confusing?

We were talking last night and realized the concept of "getting our lives back" is something that will NEVER happen. NEVER. Recovery does not "get our lives back", it improves the nightmare that we currently live in. There is no turning back of time, there is no erasing memories, there is no erasing of fights, situations or thoughts. Everything that happens, happens and leaves a mark. There is no rewind on the remote in life.

xoxo -Lisa