I don't know what I want, so don't ask me...

I don't know if it's just the meds or if I should counter in my emotional stress that I don't want to be having as well. My mind is racing- and I want to crawl out of my skin. My psych called me back today after I called him 4x. I'm pretty sure he hates me. He basically said, go back on the exact same meds you were on before last week, do not lower any dosage and let your body even it out. WELL GREAT. This is why i hated the trial and error part of medication. This is what it felt like? ONE 1/2 weeks of not taking the "perfect" cocktail that I had stirred up to make me function has turned me into rambling freak that can't sleep.

Although to be honest, I don't know HOW much of it is ME emotionally and having things change in the last few weeks along with a medication change? How much of it is biochemistry and how much of it is mental? I do have to say- i don't think this mood instability/ complete lack of mood is 100% due to my change in medication.... it's probably... everything. Because I remember the appt I made w/my psych when he changed my meds. I was NOT a happy camper. NOT AT ALL. I spent the entire 45 minutes or whatever crying over Nancy and when he accused me of that...I practically knawed his head off....which is probably why he changed my meds to begin with. ---Normally when I see him I never say anything- other than I feel annoyed and want to throw a shoe out the window.

So... ugh. I feel like even when my blood chemistry levels out physiologically...things won't go back to how they were. Honestly, I can't remember what I'm remembering is me. I just know, I don't like where I am- and I realize now I've been struggling since Nancy told me about her leave. FAIL.

My first psych told me ...recovery was 40/60. 40%-meds and 60% - mentally trying.

Hopefully, tomorrow won't be like today. I was fine this morning, it was around noon when I started to get spacey- def not as bad as yesterday but I still didn't like it.


xoxo -Lisa

I want to feel...

After being in a dissociated fog ( and then high as a kite ) all day yesterday and today due to an unnecessary increase in one of my meds ( which I am totally going down on )...I realized I WANTED TO FEEL. Last year, I never would have said this. I would have totally abused this drug...but I realized how annoyed yesterday and today I was because I was in this dumb fog and couldn't process my emotions. I just wanted to feel again. I told Nancy today in therapy that I'd rather be crying over everything right now than be in this fog.

I used to crave this numbness. When cutting didn't do it for me in high school, i turned to purging and I did that for a while last year too then I just left it at binging and purging. Then the restricting started and my mind became consumed with with weight and losing it. I'm still not at the weight I was when I started restricting and I honestly still hope I never will be...

but during these years I really learned how not to feel for more than a few moments and then move on. I had to function- I had to keep going , I had no choice. Until I graduated college- I finally turned or help because I couldn't handle it anymore and I finally could stop with my path and take a break.

The first time in a LONG TIME- I WANT TO FEEL. I want to be able to process what I feel so I can take care of it...

I WANT TO LEARN HOW TO DEAL WITH MY EMOTIONS. I told Nancy today that I would rather be in a massive state of distress than the high/sedated state I was in. She told me that she was glad to hear that because it symbolized something healthy in me that actually wanted to be human.

I am sick of just crying or numbing out -->then walking away from traumtic or bad situations and just blocking them out and moving on. I know now I have some really bad issues due to the fact that I never addressed some of the things that happened to me. From the moment I was involved in them, I never told anyone how bad it was- I didn't want anyone to tell me that I needed to get out- because I couldn't until he left me. That's how it always has been since then- i don't leave a bad situation until the other person dissappears in an extent or I find someone else when I truly feel done which is usually not until I've been involved way too long.

Hopefully these next few weeks with Nancy will be really helpful, address my attachement issues-- just realized she specializes in attachment therapy so I feel really safe w/her right now... help me cope better and then I can also take advantage of Amy's experience with trauma, EMDR and anxiety disorders. I for once feel lucky that I get this chance to go back to Amy for a bit. I have assesbility to two GREAT therapists that are both specialized in what I have issues in. I feel liek the next 6-8 weeks give me A PERFECT opportunity to really move forward and address a lot of issues and then put them to play.

I have not gone more than 3-4 days without speaking to Nancy, she's going to be out for a few weeks. It's going to be really hard for me to not call her. It's already hard for me to think about the fact that I can't contact her- I don't know how to not yet. The thought of it makes me so sad but as Amy said today...I kept saying she was leaving- she is not leaving- she is taking a break and coming back. SHE IS COMING BACK and Nancy kept saying that I will be okay and I said yeah at the very worst I will def be alive and she said "YOU BETTER BE"...and Amy hugged me today. I was def shocked when she reached out for a hug. I def had a few seconds of delay...but I realized she genuinally cared too and that she did miss me while I was gone.

=) I'm being positive and I hope to keep it up.

xoxo -Lisa

Success this afternoon---

Today has felt like the longest day of my life.

I was in such a positive- can do- mood last night. I woke up feeling neutral or just pissed because my head was hurting, then this afternoon I started to feel super overwhelmed and pretty lost. I didn't know what to do-- all I wanted to do was use symptoms- almost out of boredom and confusion. I kept self talking and reminding myself of what I said and emailed to Nancy M last night. I feel like I shouldn't go back on my word just because I felt confused. I can control my impulses. Hopefully. I don't feel like I need to numb right now. It's more like I need to feel. But I can't use the old habits that I have to induce feelings.... that's just a slippery slope that I can't really go back down on because I know I will just keep sliding and sliding. It will keep me getting by but not in the right way. I deserve a better way to live AND want to live a different way.


Nancy still has 3 weeks before her leave- altho she will be back. I have to constantly remind myself that she'll only be gone for 6-8 sessions anyway. I have 6 more sessions with her. I have been able to process what it is that is making me so upset about her taking leave. She's given me so much guidance, understood me and listened to me like no one really has before. I feel scared about what to do when she's gone because I'm worried that I can't make the right decisions on my own. I was pretty lost and very guarded and made many many decisions before therapy that I wish I hadn't made. I had no guidance that I trusted because culturally things were different between my parents and I. I was also very stubborn and my friends were my age. We were all immature and trying to figure out life. I don't blame any of the negative or traumatic things that happened on anyone because I know that everyone was really trying to figure things out and no one meant any harm on anyone else. I just know the decisions I've made since seeing Nancy M have been vastly different and better. I just know that I've been able to face life and even though many things have made me upset, overwhelmed and angry- I am finally understanding why I am the way I am. It's a much better trade-off for the numbness I had for so long and just chalking up my personality that I was a bitch. At the point that I finally saw Nancy...I just accepted that I was a bitch but also a strong independent woman who could handle anything. Being the bitch were my walls protecting the not so independent girl that was behind them.

Hopefully in 6 sessions, I can figure out a way to not be scared to be on my own. I technically won't even be on my own. I'll have Amy, my psych and my friends. Nancy has just played such a huge part in my life in the past few months while I've been in recovery...while I've learned who I was. I have not spent over... probably 3 or 4 days in the last 6 months not talking to her over the phone at least and never more than one week in person. The last time I LEFT and didn't see her for a week was in May and I came back a pretty ridiculous mess. The last time SHE LEFT on vacation but still called me twice for phone sessions- I cried both time. But May was 6 months ago, and her vacation was at least 3 months ago. I've come a long way since then. I will figure something out AND she will be back. AND I'll be stronger when she gets back.

Sometimes...I really wish I were 14 again. I feel like things were simpler back then but i know that back then--- I sure didn't think so. But in comparison to now-- I'd take those problems to these anyday. Except I felt as if I had no freedom. That was the issue (problem )then...but I view relationships as so much more naive, less jaded and simpler.

xoxo -Lisa

If I could feel...

anything beyond nothing and everything. I really feel like I can't. I'm either numb and needing a way to make myself feel. Or I'm overwhelmed and needing a way to stop. I wish there were a middle- i really do. because I could probably handle the middle. I'm having a hard time coping with either.

Nancy M just called to check in on me. Now I'm in tears. GREAT. and I want it to stop. period.

I can write emails to her explaining in words why I feel the way I do and what it is I want to do - what the child inside myself wants to do-- 1) throw a HORRIBLE tantrum and beg beg beg her not to leave or 2) just run away.   That shows what I have always done as a kid and I am having a really hard time being mature and taking care of myself. I feel like a 5 year old flailing around aimlessly. I feel like Nancy's not coming back or something. I'm legitimately scared of that. ( very irrationally ) but I am. She told me didn't think this was stupid or retarded and there was a definite reason for this--It is stirring something up in me that is causing me a lot of pain right now. Too bad I can't truly process this myself. I mean, I can and I have but I just don't want to cough up that what it really is what it is. Attachment problems, abandonment issues. Trust issues. Do I see people as they really are or do I just keep myself so far away that I can't accept anyone-- so far away that I'm missing the good while keeping myself away from what hurts ( even though it seems like I do keep running into it )

I don't let too many people truly in the way that I have let Nancy in. The hardest word and issue of my life. It's a FIVE LETTER WORD. Ends and starts with the same consonant.

In fact, it's just her- the adult figure in my life that I trust- it's hard though because it's like with many people- I believe their words and trust that they are saying what they mean. But as a whole I still don't really trust that somehow I'll end up on my own. Sometimes I want to be on my own too much and sometimes I want to be loved too much. She's the one person that I am almost there- I almost trust her. I still am scared that I will end up with her dropping me....

I have friends that I let in-- but it's not the same. Why is it so hard for me to let people in? I can write and blog all I want about what's going on in my life. What I can type/journal/write is so different from what I can verbally say or do. I can pour out my life on paper/on my blog-- but saying it to someone, admitting in words, in person that I'm flipping out, pissed and upset.

I really really want to enjoy the holidays and my time right now. I really do. I want out of this funk. I want a switch to flip. I want out of this hole. I think part of my isolation is feeding on itself---I need to get out- even though I almost can't bear to.

I really want more sunshine and smiles in my life. I really want to stop dwelling on things that I shouldn't be dwelling over. I'm going to try and just really really change things around for the better right now. I've been living and digging myself in this giant hole and sitting there hoping someone like Nancy will pull me out. She can't. She's doing all she can for me-- I can tell but it's up to me to get up. :-] I'm going to try my hardest to be symptom free while still getting by and being positive. I want to start being an adult to myself...or at least trying. The kid in me has got to stop acting out.

"I'm really going to change things around.
 I'm going to make things right.
 I'm going to change my attitude.
 I'm going to take care of myself.
 I'm going to stop being a child or at least letting the hurt child take over"- Lisa G. yes this is a quote by
 me and not one from a song or someone else.

xoxo -Lisa

standing on the border line...

Lately I truly feel like I am standing on a ledge with a parachute that I can control and wanting to just jump away from this life into another. At the same time, I keep turning back knowing I need to walk through the fire to truly heal me. Running away with only land me in a familiar place- the freedom is only temporary...this got me thinking about how things have changed and how I keep forgetting where I used to be...thus I started to dig through my past yesterday evening reading my posts from the first time I started blogging. I've moved blogs from this one to the one I have now. While reading my words, it is impossible in my mind to believe that I created those posts. I see myself being a very erratic person who has a really hard time putting one subject and things into a big picture, especially when talking. But, as I expected- writing really helps me. As much as I hate to admit it, my therapist(S) were right, journaling is really therapeutic and the community and friends that I have supporting me makes it even more of an incentive to truly share my honest thoughts.

I feel the fact that I am trying to be brutally honest with myself is something I really need to cherish because this ability in me is not consistent and permanent. I am a fighter and that works for me and against me. I will walk into therapy knowing what is going to be said and when the specific question/topic is brought up-- I refuse to say what I do believe is the truth. Instead, I sit and fight what my therapist/doctor says even though deep down I know that he/she is right. The reason I fight is is because more than anything in the world- I want what I suspect to not be true. I want another reason- I want something that is more peaceful in my head. Something that doesn't make my head spin, which I seem to have a very hard time preventing at the moment...

...my body image is starting to waver again. Hating myself is starting to seep into how I see my body. I'm really trying to look in the mirror and not judge. It's getting hard to stay on the right path. I am eating mechanically... and it's almost painful. I do still enjoy my junk food...which is ridiculous because that's not going to help me feel better, mentally or physically. The urge to not binge isn't too hard to fight because I really don't want to purge. I've been throwing up occasionally due to anxiety and that has really turned me off from purging. The two are quite different but it's cleared my head quite a bit about purging. Eating regularly...not that another story. Wearing clothes and truly thinking I look good, acceptable and nice--- that's another story.

I truly hate the fact that due to my retarded attachment to my therapist and that's she's going on leave...has turned my life upside down. The fact that this embarrassing me does encourage me get what little of myself back and to keep it in working shape. I can't let the borderline take over me completely. I've worked so hard to keep it under wraps. This is a new situation I've never had to deal with before and it's a learning experience. I left her an email last night in a haze trying to be honest with her because I knew talking to her would send me into a rage of tears and the change and fear that I would not be honest with her in session ....made me do it. I almost feel like I was dissociate while writing the email. I had not felt so ungrounded in quite a well. I had to re-read the email this morning to remind myself what I wrote. I also am quite embarrassed because I think I left her a voicemail...that made no sense at all. She called me back earlier this morning but I wasn't home and she said she'd call back later. I'm lucky to have such a great therapists...and at the same time I'm pissed that she's so amazing because I feel that if she weren't-- I wouldn't be having these issues.

xoxo -Lisa

Things to give thanks for...

It's Thanksgiving. As much as this holiday doesn't mean anything to me sentimentally, I am for the first time realizing the things I need to be thankful for.

It's time for a positive post. Some positive thoughts. After all, this is a mood lifter as well. It's a time to not have my head spinning the way it has been lately. I'm going to try to be thinking only positive things- ACE Kelsey would be proud of me. Positive focus. Lame attempt at trying to cheer myself up from the whirlwind that I've been in.

List of positives ( things I am thankful for)

I wish I could easily say my health, my mind and my soul...but those aren't in the best of shape at the moment soo...

My parents

My sister

My amazing friends that I can't even start to list off because this would become the world's longest post.

Financial stability- thanks to my wonderful parents. 

Continuously being able to find jobs

Nancy M

Amy SB

My doctors- my treatment team

Food ( i know, shocker )

Pumpkin, Marbelle ( kitties- bring on the cat lady jokes )

Having a college degree- making it through the 4 years

Dr. Moore

Being able to REALIZE i have things to be thankful for

My apartment

Central Air, Heating

A working car

Music, Books and TV to take shit off my mind.

uhm... there has got to be more...

Okay, I'm going to make a small exception here on the positive post. This was hard and that really saddens me. okay, taking on a challenge for as much as long as I can- being positive that I can make it through.

xoxo -Lisa

"She chose men with charisma who attracted women easily and were UNLIKELY to commit to any one RELATIONSHIP for long. "

I've been reading ( or read ) this book -Lost in the Mirror- An inside look at borderline personality disorder- it's another story of my life practically. It explains way too much. It was like a textbook for me on how to view myself, why I feel certain ways and how to slowly help me cope. I even tabbed the pages and highlighted. Hah, I feel like I'm in school again. But I'm being horridly tormented by attachment and emotion regulation issues right now and I just need my hands to grasp onto anything that I can so I don't slip any further.

This one passage describes and marks my involvements/relationships for the past 2-3 years perfectly. It really was stunning just how it was 100% me. Not 99%, but 100%. "She chose men who were colorful and adventurous. "She chose men with charisma who attracted women easily and were UNLIKELY to commit to any one RELATIONSHIP for long. With each one, she soon became sexually involved, which led promptly to disillusionment, betrayal and rage".  Yes, so secretly, well not so much anymore since i just announced it to the world, all the times I've done what I have done and "been okay" I really wasn't. I really was just angry at myself the next morning. I remember every-time after one of my what I called legit "fuck ups" I would listen to "i do not hook up" by kelly clarkson on my ipod on the way to class. the irony. hah. I've made up my mind- this is not happening anymore. I'm taking care of myself or once- I'm watching out for my own feelings and not building my self esteem off of these games because the self esteem is truly so short lived and temporary-- not worth it

Things have changed- I literally cannot think of sex without getting nauseous or feeling gross. I have absolutely no desire to choose anyone or feel the disillusionment, betrayal and rage that I've "felt" in the past. The quotations are there because the second I felt them, I stopped feeling so I could numb them and continue to function. To this day, I am slightly jealous of my friends that supposedly can hook up and not get messed up mentally by the actions.

 I am coming to realize I am just too fragile and sensitive ( I HATE THOSE TWO WORDS ). This is the first time I've really written/talked about a boy in my blog--big step for me to open this up for the world. I think my anxiety levels just went up 10x...But.

This summer, a boy said he was worried about getting involved w/me because I was in a fragile spot right now. I basically screamed at him that I was "a big girl and not fragile". Yeah, bullshit. I knew it was a lie when I said it but there was no way I was going to admit that he was right...even though I knew it. Even though I knew from the very beginning that things were not going to work out. He knew it too. Why did we get involved then? I don't know. I struggle in believing he really cared but no other answer makes sense...how did it end? I finally pushed too hard and it was a pretty mutual understanding that neither o us could mentally handle each other anymore. I push/pulled him everyday in my head. Should I push him away/ should i let him stay? Should I walk away/should I beg him to stay? EVERYDAY- every hour. I even used a mathematical equation to try to figure out the answer- the answer I got was- "the solution is unknown- either way works" SERIOUSLY? Well as I've finally picked up on what my crazy actions were called- push/pull. I push people away but at the same time pull them in. A good example is once to this boy I said " I'm INsecure, fix it or walk away" OKAY SERIOUSLY?! Looking back and even right after those words came out of my mouth I realized how pathetic and ridiculous that sounded. Rationally, this makes no sense. I still don't understand why I do it except I know this much- as much as I like someone- i hate them just the same. I'm scared every moment of the day that they are going to wake up and be like I can't do this. Which is almost the scenario here because the decision was made quite hastily but it definitely was going to happen at some point. Am I hurt? Not really because the real side of me knew this wasn't going to last. Am I upset? YES- because I still was hoping my gut was wrong. Am I over it? No. But the thought of getting close to someone again, even him- makes me want to hurl.

on a side note: I realize my blog has been quite depressing recently- as a friend so gently pointed out- and it's just so difficult for me to see positives when I'm engrossing myself with all the negatives I notice. But, it's not an all or nothing life ( repeat this to myself 100x over ) and nothing is black and white. I do have positives. I quit one job and got another legit one the next day. I'm lucky, there are so many people out there who can't find ANY jobs, much less jump straight from one to another. I have amazing friends and probably one of the best support systems out there. I have a friend almost for every need that I currently have. So, thank you for your support. I do recognize it and I do see the sun..it just is hard to remember to look sometimes. 

xoxo -Lisa

This changes me forever---

Every experience I have in life changes me in some way but some change me in more harming ways than others. Some experiences make my life much harder than it should be. It makes me make it harder than it should be because I'm constantly having a fight in my head over either relationships with the people around me or food. I am really realizing this does not have to do w/my body. The anxiety that I have been getting lately has really been affecting me physically... insomnia as well as an extreme loss of appetite.

Katie has inspired me so much by telling me her meals that she is eating at the ERC. It makes me feel like I need to eat meals instead of small snacks throughout the day. I look and stare at my fridge and get so incredibly frustrated because it seems that I have forgotten what a normal meal looks like. I stare in my freezer, I see dumplings, lean pockets, edamame, broccoli and frozen chicken breasts. I look in my fridge and see yogurt, dumplings...ensure and V8....Then my pantry- chips, pretzels and triscuits. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO WITH THIS FOOD. This is something that def has changed in my personality and ability. I've always known what to do with food. Now I feel like food will be oddly tainted in my life forever...

In fact the thought of eating food is making me nauseous again today. I walked around Kroger for 1 hour trying to see if I could see ANYTHING ANYTHING that I wanted to eat. NOPE. nothing. I bought some more lean pockets and yogurt. Good job Lisa [ sarcasm ]. I'm really just hoping that I will feel hungry later tonight instead of just sick.

I hate the attachment I have to my therapist. I hate that she has made my life so much less stressful, makes me feel less alone, makes me feel less crazy, helps me understand myself. I HATE IT. because this is making me feel like I have serious attachment issues ( go bpd ). I am constantly afraid she'll wake up one morning and think I'm too difficult of a client to deal with. I have not felt this kind of attachment with a boy, friend or parent. I felt a milder version of this attachment with my first psych but after I left him because of graduation, my symptom usage was up the room. Purging up to 30 times a week. My anxiety was so bad, I was doing everything I could to function and numbing out was the only solution I knew. Now I know better, so instead I'm just having a giant influx of emotion....and I know part of my loss of appetite is my brain subconsciously using symptoms to help regulate my emotions.

I can't let this subconscious win. But if I fight it- I feel sick. If i give in- I function. This disorder is molding who I am today- in some way- good/bad- i dont know but the past and present are making me who I am today.

xoxo -Lisa

Someone is consistently smashing a hammer to the back of my head....

...lovely...just lovely. Everytime I have a crying fest, I feel like someone has smashed my head into a brick wall. As a lovely friend told me- DRINK MORE WATER. I AM. I don't get why I'm physically feeling like SHIT. ABSOLUTE SHIT.

I quit my job. i know, there goes my "big girl life" there goes having things under control and being okay. There goes my life... and here comes a giant mess. I HATE having to rely on my parents for money. I HATE it because I can't spend any money on anything other than food and gas without feeling guilty. I can't even buy books anymore without feeling like a horrible person. I even feel guilty when I buy food that I WANT and INTEND to challenge myself with to eat...and then I don't. So I have to go back to the store and buy the same shit that I do eat. I have food in my freezer, I just...can't eat half of it, so I have to keep going to store to get the same foods I do eat and when I'm there sometimes I just have a burst of "recovery" to try this food. Then I get home...and I don't.

Yano...I was doing well. I was doing really well. I had my shit under control. I was feeling much better than I had in quite a while. Then Nancy told me she was leaving for leave and ... as weird as that timing was- I felt like my world started to crash right before my eyes. I know this sounds foreign and ridiculous to most but to someone with bpd, it really can seem like the end of the world. Overly dramatic- ridiculous. I feel embarrassed. I spend my 50 minute sessions hiding behind pillows and crying in her office now. I talk about how I want to throw a tantrum, how the situation pisses me off...after a lot of... struggling because saying it... pains me and makes me feel absolutely STUPID. I feel like a dumb ass 5 year old whose nanny or mommy is leaving. I'm fucking 22 and she's my therapist.

i hate myself for this. I really do. I feel ridiculous. I feel locked in and jailed. I hate not having a job and eAll I can feel is ridiculous... because the two things in the world that I want to do the most right now is to throw a complete and utterly insane tantrum and beg her not to leave or to just do something horrible to piss her off and make her not want to see me again. Wonderful push/pull huh? Hello bpd. yes, please shut the fuck up bpd. Great, now it's not just the ED voice I have to tell to the shut up... there's another one. I've been dealing really well w/my behaviors and controlling my impulses and regulating my emotions...up until this news. I'm trying my fucking hardest to NOT use symptoms to help me get through this. I am trying so hard. I have NO DESIRE to binge or purge at all...or cut..which is good...very good

...but right now I have no fucking appetite and the thought of eating anything right now is making me nauseous. I HAVE eaten today...I did have an appetite earlier..but I know I haven't not had enough for the entire day. I'm going to have to take care of myself and drink an ensure before the night is over..maybe even two. fml. that shit is expensive but the thought of food makes me feel sick right now. Another expense. Ensure because I can't eat the food. I don't know why. I'm so pissed off.

I WAS DOING SO WELL. what the hell happened? I'm nothing but pissed and self-loathing right now. I don't get to see Nancy twice this week bc my second appt of the week so wonderfully falls on Thursday and it's the wonderful holiday of thanksgiving [ sarcasm ]. I can't even go black friday shopping and reward myself with something nice well because 1) no money 2) i don't deserve it anyway.   But I'm a fucking tard and emailed Nancy and asked if I could somehow see her again before next Monday because I felt like I needed to but then at the end of the email I ended it with but I'm really okay.  Mixed signals any? I honestly wonder sometimes if mixed signals are just my entire brain.

Despite all of this- my support system here is so amazing. SO AMAZING. I can't imagine what I would do without my friends that check in on me all the time. In any other time in my life, I think that would annoy the shit out of me but I'm thankful for the accountability I have. Not just from friends IN atlanta. Amazing friends from Macon, Denver :) and all over. It's amazing. I don't know what I would do if I wasn't in Atlanta.

xoxo -Lisa

UPDATE: I just spoke to my rock- Katie- and I'm just much less nauseous and anxious. I'm going to go eat something :) I actually feel hungry instead of sick. Thank you love :)

What a god damn motherfuckin rollercoaster...

excuse my horrid language but that's what today has been. I woke up fine, I was fine for the majority of today. I really was, just relaxing , dreading Tuesday. Then all of a sudden out of no where- I started to feel overly overwhelmed. Like everything was just not right. Like I'm a 5 year old and can't handle life when it gets rough. When the going gets rough, I drown.

I know this has something to do w/my stupid ass attachment issues and Nancy leaving- that really really has just had me off kilter for a while. I can't talk to her or anyone about it without crying like a damn baby. Then my brain shuts off. Then i can't think about anything else- then I sit in her office for 50 minutes crying behind a pillow. What's wrong w/me? Up until tonight, I've been mostly fine- going to work,being exhausted, dreading work,going in anyway- the pressure of having to be perfect at wok is really starting to get to me. Once I'm there, I'm fine because I really do do my best to impress and do things perfectly. I think I'll have this issue at any job though, To be the top. Even at the telefund. So, despite the fact that I keep thinking I want to quit myjob and I can't handle it...i can't. right now I just need simple shit but the simple shit bores me and I don't want to go bc I'm so bored. I can't pinpoint all the reasons I'm overwhelmed.

I know getting another job is OUT OF THE QUESTION. I like this one. I do but why do i get so overwhelmed beforehand. I'm find once I walk in the door. I'm fine once I get in my car. It's just the night before. I want to be perfect at work, I don't want to make a single mistake.

 I made an emergency appt with my psych tomorrow at noon. He's fitting me in when he normally eats lunch. I need to talk to him about some issues that I can't even bring up here. I don't know why this evening is so rough. It has to do w/no one else but myself and my brain. I feel empty. REALLY REALLY EMPTY.

And I feel like if I don't start becoming an adult, supporting myself ( partially at least ), working a job and being indepedent...I'm a failure. I can't fail again.

My days go so in and out...but I've been on the outs for far too long. i'm just too scared to bring it up w/my psych or Nancy because I finally got my "big girl" life back and I AM NOT GOING TO LOSE IT bc that's another failure, that's another set back, that's another shit ton of money, that's not time being frozen. I don't even know what it is I need to work with. What the fuck is the core of my problems.

Maybe a change in meds will be good... ugh. actually looking forward to seeing my psych. had to call him his cell to beg for an emergency appt. geez.love it

ALSO I HATE CRYING. My body is not used to it--- not like the floodgates that have opened recently....i feel like  someone took a hammer and bashed my skull in. advil isn't helping. AT ALL. neither is klonopin. OR tylonol. I flushed all my ambien down the toilet for unsaid reasons.... maybe I should just take my seroquel and pass the shit out.

not a good day. started out well. somehow a flip switched and now it's shit. wtf. why am I so unstable?
xoxo -Lisa

Sadness...

....what an emotion. Sadness is not a pure white clean emotion. Sadness is a grey, cloudy feeling. I've always felt a need to have a solution to everything. An emotion should have a solution- to make it go away.  It's only now that I'm realizing that sadness is just an emotion that I can't always do anything about, sadness is just an emotion. There isn't really any point in making it go away, it's a phase. There's a reason for it. CRYING. ah, the concept of crying. What a door to open. Once it's open, it doesn't seem to close easily. So, honestly...yes I am a fragile, sensitive person. I get hurt easily and rarely admit it. I keep going when I am hurt in the hope that I'll change things so in the end I won't end up hurt. Yeah, that rarely happens and I just end up a bit more broken than I was before- and not admitting to it. Covering it up, then going on with life. Not crying like I do now. But at least- my emotions are going somewhere. It's a step up...I think.

I'm pretty sure that leaving ACE, having certain relationships end, having my "big sister" leave for treatment and having Nancy have to go on leave.... have really sparked something inside of me. I feel like one minute I'm okay and the next I'm thinking about one of these things and I am crying. I get sad a lot easier. Probably because I haven't allowed myself to feel sad in years. Legitimately sad...making me human. I've never been good with emotions. My emotions are so incredibly unregulated right now. Intense and then numb, but with work keeping me busy during the week, this is mainly a weekend / night thing. But it's also a positive sign I think. At least I'm feeling more than irritability, anger and annoyance.

For the first time in a long long time- I truly believe in love. When there is nothing else to do- just love. love yourself, love others...my biggest problem is letting others love me and reciprocating. being vulnerable. That's something I still don't like ... doing. Who does? I'm just so incredibly fearful of it... it can paralyze me if I allow it to.

xoxo -Lisa

It's been a while...

...since I've updated and yes okay so 3 days but to me that's quite a while. I've been busy with work. I honestly really like work. I get anxious the day before I have to go but then I get there and I"m fine. I'm a little nervous to be working more hours like I'm going to start.

I've grown a lot more keen to all the details in my life. I've noticed a lot of things. I'm becoming an adult, but I'm really not yet. I'm really still a girl....trying to be an adult.

I miss certain people that are basically gone out of my life. I didn't expect it....I'm not used to feeling anything but anger, irritability and frustration. I was able to block out the sadness and </3 feelings with symptoms. Crying wasn't even an option because I couldn't cry unless I was so incredibly frustrated. I rarely cried out of sadness. Now that I'm using symptoms less and less...I'm crying a lot more. In front of people even. I keep bawling during my session with Nancy since she told me about her leave. I can't think about it without being scared and bawling. great. now i'm just one big crying ...awesome person. hah.

It's amazing some of the feeling that one can feel without even realizing it when I'm not building giant walls up. Granted, this doesn't mean I like all the feelings, they aren't easy to deal with but much easier than I imagined...well okay, not really....they are hard as hell to deal with. crying is heartbreaking. But crying is part of being alive. I need to remember that.

I'm still young and I have time to get it all right. Usually, after all is said and done, more is said than done. 

xoxo -Lisa

There's a mark you leave...

I'm fragile. I bruise easily. My skin is like a map of what my heart has been through. As much as I deny it sometimes and scream that I'm a big girl and not fucking fragile...I am. I have to start being careful with myself. This doesn't mean I can't be independent and learn to take care of myself in a careful way because I am fragile which just makes me realize...if I need to handle myself with care, others that are close to me need to know to be careful as well. I still put up a guard where I verbally will not admit to this in person. I can't. It's too embarrassing. I'm supposed to be strong, smart and capable. --- I can barely handle the relationships I have. I love all my friends. I find friendship the purest form of love. There's no intense pressure and it's a 2 way street of care. The love that comes with friendship...I can take...anything that starts to go anywhere other than that...makes me run the other direction as fast as I can. I get overwhelmed because in all honesty...I'm not stable myself.

I don't know who I am. I am not secure in my own skin. I don't like myself. I have no desire to be with anyone. This is why I know i have to stay alone for now. I can't drag anyone into the mess in my head until I finally like who I am and know who it is. It's not fair for either party.

despite all this, I still find friendships so incredibly pure that I treasure many of my friendships. I drove one of my best friends to the airport this morning so she could go to Denver to work more on her recovery. I spent the entire day yesterday crying, not just because of her but because of everyone I know and because I guess once the floodgates opened, they didn't fucking stop.

As I walked away, I looked back at the ticket counter at the airport and she looked so fragile and tiny. Like she could break any minute. It made my heart break. I have people tell me they think I'm tiny and petite all the time but I have NO IDEA what they are talking about. Similar to my friend- she doesn't think she's thin or fragile looking but she is. I don't feel small but others tell me I am. Why is it all so confusing?

We were talking last night and realized the concept of "getting our lives back" is something that will NEVER happen. NEVER. Recovery does not "get our lives back", it improves the nightmare that we currently live in. There is no turning back of time, there is no erasing memories, there is no erasing of fights, situations or thoughts. Everything that happens, happens and leaves a mark. There is no rewind on the remote in life.

xoxo -Lisa

....i don't know what it is..

I'm really just...out of words...  about how things are..... but I can't get many coherent sentences- much less any eloquent ones out. I'm okay, accepting of myself...but that doesn't mean it isn't hard.

nothing huge has or is happened since yesterday or anything. Except, Nancy told me today she was going to be on medical leave next month and I bawled like a fucking baby for like 45 minutes. It was one of those times where I couldn't stop. I was choking up and like the movies, my lower lip was quivering. I don't cry often..and I hate it. I hate admitting that when someone I care about ... has me scared ..it gets to me. A LOT.

great. wonderful. another reminder that things get difficult, but it's just life.  Everything that happens (ed) has made me who I am and as time goes on, more things will happen and I will change each time. It's situations such as these that make me understand myself

xoxo -Lisa

sooo..what happened?

Life. It's what always happens. 

xoxo -Lisa

much clearer

Memories can fade but my heart has a place for the smile on your face. - some people don't even realize the mark they leave on others- even if it's a good mark. some thing just aren't meant to be forgotten.

logically things are becoming more and more clear. I just sometimes refuse easily accept it. Just because it's the right thing doesn't mean it doesn't affect me.  For the time being, I feel like with my job, friends and personal life- i'm understanding myself more but that doesn't make anything easy.


xoxo -Lisa

taking a step...trying something new

I'm going to go to church ( youth group ) with my friend Emily tomorrow. I know. shocker. don't have a heart attack people. I just want to ... i don't know..try something else...in life. fuck, I don't know. I'm feeling a little bit blinded and overwhelmed in general. So many things have changed lately and I finally feel like this is all settled and the puzzle is fitting together perfectly. I'm just missing myself.  I can't really figure anything else out, so why not give something else a ..try?


xoxo -Lisa

Personality Characteristics...

So...my job is no where close to easy. There's no free time, there's constant learning and running around fixing things. There is literally always something to do. A optometry boutique with over 5,000 patients and 7 people including the 2 owners on staff means that the owners expect perfectionism out of the other 5 of us. I wouldn't have guessed any less. They are married with the female having both a MD and an OD. Her husband having I believe a MBA along with an OD. They know what hard work is and they know how to run a business.

Plus I think I'm going to enjoy dressing for my job more than my job. haha. heels and pencil skirts :) I'm a real adult haha. except I wear flip flops and carry around my heels...until I have to put them on.

I don't mind this kind of atmosphere..it's relaxed to an extent but also nothing can go wrong. At all- in fact- this keeps me on edge while I'm there, time flies by and I'm constantly learning more about the healthcare field. I did not plan to have a job like this after graduation. I thought I'd be in graduate school or using my sociology degree. hah. I feel lucky that I've been given this opportunity. My boss described me as a fireball ready to go today. hah. I've never been fired from anything and I refuse to be fired here although it seems to be quite easy to be let go of due to the expectations of the job. I almost want to prove to myself and everyone that I can handle this job, do it well and become their top employee. Right there is a girl that my boss adores. I plan on becoming better than her. I want to work my way up to the top. I want to be the top seller, I want to be a pro at the machines and really understand the million of pages of information on contacts, glasses, eyes, brands, store sells etc... I deserve a separate degree for the information I'm reading. At least I feel like I'm doing a job that requires brains and not anyone could do it.

Is that some sort of personality flaw or is it something that is good? my drive. i'm almost a bit worried it might drive me into some .... i don't know. I've been learning for the past months perfectionism isn't possible but now I'm getting preached to about how everything I have to do needs to be perfect.

i'm spending my entire weekend with Katie. no fight there. every waking moment. We're all going to move on to better places. We're all moving, all of us...not just Katie and me but every single person that is currently reading this. It's possible with hard work and desire. My boss told me today three things to take with you in life no matter what. 1) confidence  2) control  3) enthusiasm

xoxo -Lisa

My heart is broken. [ again ]

One of my best friends is leaving. Eating disorders break relationships. Right down to the core,

I'm happy for her, she's going to a wonderful place. She's going where she's going to come back being able to live a better life. No one deserves to live and suffer  in such a way. There's nothing she's losing from leaving, she's got an amazing foundation to come back to but that doesn't change the fact that this reminds me that she is sick. I am sick. Eating disorders are more than just shitty/bad habits that get in the way of our daily living. It's something that tears apart my heart. Mine and others.

I can't stand to see this continuing to happen to amazing people. My heart broke when another friend got sent to the hospital. My heart broke everyday I was at ACE. My heart is tearing right down the middle right now. It's another scar. Eating disorders just don't scar those afflicted with it, it scars those close to the eating disordered. It burns apart things are aren't usually meant to be burned.

Life is full of burn marks and scars. But no one can live without running into some sort of road blocks..."road blocks" --> food--> eating disorders in our case. burn and scar anything close to them.

It's not just me that gets frustrated every-time I use symptoms. I affect those close to me. Eating disorders tear everyone around them apart. It's shit. Pure and simple. Not even bad habits. It's an illness and a shitty shitty illness.

xoxo
-Lisa

"she lives the poetry she cannot write"

This oscar wilde quote is tattooed onto my right shoulder blade. it's very ambiguous-- take it however you want to. It's all in our heads- how we look at things. It's all also how we hand and manage our lives. I finally feel the free-est I've ever felt. That does not mean I still suffer from ED issues- it still screams at me some days much louder than others- constant fight- and hopefully a voice that will fade more and more as time goes on. It's finally time to really really focus on myself. To be free and live the poetry I want to. To let ED fly away from me.


xoxo -Lisa

xoxo -Lisa

Why is it food?

A friend asked me this morning- one who I was in treatment with..."why is it food"

i don't know. why is it food? What made me as a 14 year old choose food. What made it spin out of control from the regular diets that most teenager girls want to go on at some point to a full-fledged life controlling/destroying eating disorder?

why did I take this route?

winter of 2008. Yes, I know I look 15, but I was 20 lol.

BUT I was happy and didn't even think about my weight. I was in an out cycle. I wasn't watching what I was eating to the extent I have done. I look happy. I look genuinely happy and I remember food not being my main enemy--instead I was actually dealing head on with my personal issus. I was actually able to handle my personal life then. I wasn't in the perfect situation that winter ( far from it ) but it didn't break me down...like things do now...and of course I go back to before 2008 and I find more pictures of me when I am in an IN cycle. then I find another OUT cycle...where I didn't care. The thoughts rarely passed through my head, never enough for me to take any sort of action. If I wanted to eat something- i ate it. When I had personal issues- I dealt with them, I didn't run. I did far from it- I confronted things to an aggressive level sometimes. Now I just do that at the wrong time then cower in a corner and...then take off running as fast as I can when I get confused or possibly hurt. Well...this is what I've been working on changing and it's....changing...slowly..painfully...mostly slowly...

why can't I go back? why are the bad phases so bad and the good ones...seem so foreign now........

xoxo -Lisa

Its a scar

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I'm proud of me today

Okay, so I woke up PERFECTLY FINE. seriously. But as the night went on my emotions somehow decided to kick in. fuck you therapy for making me vulnerable.

i realized I hadn't eaten much all day...( okay...or anything ) mostly just out of forgetfullness- i was not trying to restrict- i was just busy doing other things/thinking about other things...and honestly, I wanted NOTHING BUT JUNK SHIT BINGE FOOD. Nothing but that, but I knew I am not able to yet handle my binge food without purging. I've come so far since using food to get me blazed out of my emotions...I wasn't about to go back due to some unexpected emotions....and confusion. So, I didn't and haven't and won't. I won't go back to using binge food and purging or restricting. I said I was done and I am doing my best TO be done.

A friend asked me if I had any good memories related to food. If I ever had any, I've done a great job at ruining all of them. Because pretty much all food makes me think of the bathroom floor and a toilet and my head halfway in it...no joke.

Nancy M called because I emailed her with a simple sentence last night keeping her up to date. I was fine when she called. She seemed surprised but also skeptical. Mostly, skeptical. Fuck. I have to see her tomorrow and if I end up loosing it again- I'm going to be embarrassed as shit bc I feel like this is all very immature of me, but I've processed and thought this through myself. I really think I'm good now...

Okay, lie. I won't be good...for a while at least...I'll be fine and I understand and know that I'll be perfectly fine. I have to accept the fact that yes, my emotions will .... ugh...be ... i donno... here?

agh. faaauck.

life happens. that's all. no more symptom usage :) I"m slowly becoming free of that.....as hard as that is. At least that is something to be proud of.

Now if I could only be free from negative emotions...

xoxo -Lisa

weight lifted off of me ...literally

I honestly....feel much better. A lot less anxious and like things are definitely going in the right direction :). I'm not longer constantly having a battle in my head about one thing. Maybe now the other will fade as well



xoxo -Lisa

Soo..oo..

 I can look at the mirror and not hate myself. I don't LOVE it but I think it's al-right. Not perfect, but I can live with it. I take this body over the mental anguish and shit that ED brings into my life.

I was too scared that I had overshoot the weight that my nutritionist gave me by a ridiculous amount of weight so my eating habits were ALL over the god damn place and not stable in ANY manner- not healthy. I was jumping back and forth between SHIT and nothing. Instead, I'm pretty much right about at that range. I'm sick of playing with my metabolism and eating shit instead of just eating meals like normal people do. Nutritious meals with healthy fats AND nutrients and ALSO the occasional piece of junk if I want it.

MODERATION- grey- not black and white. I can't just color totally inside my strict lines but I also can't just scribble all over the page. I can't just restrict and use symptoms and I can't just let myself go. I can eat when I'm hungry- which I still have to figure out hunger cues.

i can do this.

xoxo -Lisa

Distortion

So...my internet is spazzing in and out, so I figure I better update now and get out my anxiety and frustration now before my internet dies again.

I have NO concept of my perceived body image. It's so frustrating. I was always positive about what I saw in the mirror...I didn't realize that the only reason I believed what I saw was because of the number on the scale that backed it up. Now I have no scale. I HAVE NO IDEA what i look like. It's been...barely over 2 weeks since I've been weighed and it feels like 1 year thus I also feel like I probably gained 10lbs. Rationally, I know it's probably not true but I have NO idea what my mirror or clothes are telling me. Just because something is too big- I don't remember when it was too big. I'm petrified to knowhow much I might actually weight. I'd be relieved if it was close to what I wanted but I'm not expecting that. I don't know. I really don't know. This is forcing me to sit and debate "if i CAN eat [ blank food ]. " I always look at the time of day to see how many hours I have left in the day and how much more I might eat. This is fucking stupid, the only time I should ask if I CAN eat anything is if I'm allergic to it, not because I'm scared of it. SHOULD I eat [insert food] is obviously a better question. This is tiring and frustrating the shit out of me....but I'm trying. I believe I defintely AM eating enough though, it's just the unending debate before I decide to do the right thing.

THAT NEEDS TO STOP. i want it to stop. Hopefully when I start work, it will lessen...because I'll be busier.

xoxo -Lisa

Can you keep silence?

Ever wondered what it might be like to be in the mind of someone recovering from an eating disorder? I'm sure those reading and those supporting me either have already gotten a slight clue or truly understand themselves. I'm out of intensive ( not exactly by choice ) but I feel it is really okay. I'm feeling better, but by no means is any day easy. But it doesn't mean I'm not okay. It doesn't mean I'm not capable of doing what I used to do. It just means my mind goes to places I wish it wouldn't. I sat around for 3 hours today debating ( seriously?! it's embarrassing to admit to be honest ) if I could allow myself to eat a donut. I was worried that if I ate the donut, I'd purge it or not eat the rest of the day as punishment.

I ate the donut. I enjoyed it, but I didn't feel great about myself afterwards. I knew I couldn't/shouldn't use symptoms.  So after eating the donut, I re-arranged my cabinets and put all the sugary foods/foods I find harder to comfortably eat but for some damn reason decided to buy.... I put all these foods in the cabinet above my refrigerator. A cabinet that I can't reach unless I climb onto the counter. Thus it takes work to get that food. I guess this was my way of purging- making me feel a bit better. I don't know. I do know that this is much better than actual purging or not eating the rest of the day. The donut threw off my day as well. I didn't feel like being around anyone because it just made me feel a bit odd. This is all due to a donut. I canceled plans with a friend, spent an hour re-arranging my kitchen all on top of the debating I had done before I even ate the fucking donut. This is not a life to live.

And of course now it's 8 PM at night and I'm still thinking about that one damn donut that I ate around 3PM. it's a fucking fight. every day. But... it's my life. My control. I can't let a fucking donut ruin it :) and I won't. No one should be prisoner to a number, a food, a shape or size. It's not any way to live. It's a painful way to live. It's a life to get out of. 

xoxo -Lisa

Not the greatest of days...

I was able to do the right thing and eat....and then at the end of the night...proceed to ruin my day by eating 2 brownies...I just need to remind myself that 2 brownies is okay. I'm not going to purge it and it's okay. it's okay. it's okay. fml. it's okay.

.but I woke up feeling gross and still feel gross---avoiding the mirror. I've realized that w/out having my scale I can't grasp how I feel my body looks. I based how my body looked off a number on the scale. I feel like if i were to step on one of those things now it'd be 20lb more than the last time I stepped on it so I am literally petrified of scales right now.

I realized today that it's only been one week since I left ACE.  I feel like it's been a year...and I feel like so much time has passed and I've eaten so much. I know this is sounding ridiculous. I just have no concept of time at the moment. I'm really glad I'm going to go in and make a schedule tomorrow. I really need some structure. This week without any structure has left me sitting here twiddling my thumbs bored as shit and losing all concept of time. I seriously feel like last week was one month ago.

I need structure...
xoxo -Lisa

"It's called life and you just have to deal"

"Dreams aren't perfect, they come true, not free" -Joey Potter -Dawson's Creek
Yes, I realize I did just quote Dawsons Creek.

When I was 16,  watching Dawson's Creek helped me through some really difficult times. It's odd for me to remember that a tv show helped me feel more validated for my moments of teen angst. It was my therapy. Too bad the show was a complete soap opera.

Now 6 years later, I'm 22 and I'm watching series finale again. I found the dvd for $3 and there was no way I could turn down such a nostalgic memory for so cheap. In the show, the characters were in high school and then college or whatever life happens after graduating high school. In the finale, they're young adults still having moments of angst but adult angst. Angst never goes away- it's how I handle it or choose to deal with it.
"You're constantly getting into these situations where you jump in with your heart and jump out with your head. Your head and heart have just been in constant conflict." 


Alex and I joke a lot that our lives are a joke, that the irony of so much that happens just isn't real. "someday, someone's going to jump out and yell surprise, you're on candid camera"- Alex to me.  So much of my life seems to be unreal to me right now. I feel like I just came out of a coma, or released from jail. It seems like a soap opera, everything comes so unexpectedly for me. Is it me or is it just life?

I can't help but still have thoughts that I know are unhealthy. But, I am well aware of it all and I am trying. I've been lucky enough to FEEL GOOD ( probably due to my nice correct mix of psycho-meds that my psych has me on haha ), HAVE GOTTEN A JOB SO QUICKLY and HAVE AMAZING FRENDS still sitting by me. I CANNOT SCREW UP THIS TIME. As Nancy and I discussed today, neither her or I want me to end up back in intensive.  That is screwing up to me. I can't let something like behavioral and emotional troubles to take over my life. I need make this work. I've got the odds in my favor and I just need to remember what I NEED TO DO FOR ME THAT IS GOOD FOR MY FUTURE in the long run. I need to remember what is important in my life, what is temporary and capable of changing. I need to remember to be patient. I need to know where to put my energy. 

" When you find that love, wherever you find it, whoever you choose, don't run away from it...but you don't have to chase after it either. You just be patient, and it'll come to you, I promise, and when you least expect it"

I have to take this job seriously- I can't just slum through like I did with most of school. I made it through without taking it as seriously as I should. Most of college and high school was just me scrambling to fix my screw ups so that I could graduate with what I planned to.

"The only decision left is the one that I need to make with myself, to stop running once and for all...I mean I know who I'm supposed to be with, I've always known. But, then the fear takes over: the free floating anxiety ridden fear in the pit of my stomach that makes me run. I am completely comfortable with running, I really don't know any other way."


My treatment plan is different- it's much more similar to what it was at the end of the school year. I told Nancy M that I needed to take things slow- I feel as if I have been over-theraperized and a bit traumatized. I'm still trying to realize that it was literally one week ago that I was walking out of emotions group right now

I CANNOT screw up this time. I had dreams as a child- I can't remember them- but I had dreams and I feel like... when I had them, they symbolized the perfect life. I really have realized that dreams aren't perfect...but I still do have them. They are just more realistic now. More mature, less dramatic and more of what I NEED for me to be what I truly think is successful

"it's not about getting it right. It's about knowing when something's wrong and doing something about it"


..........


xoxo -Lisa

hakuna matata

I'm young and overthinking too many things- complicating more than I need to. Most things in my head have totally calmed down except for one thing- until tonight. I'm going to try to be done being wishy washy. It's a waste of my time and I can't even figure out what it is I am wishy washy about. I can't figure it out without changing my mind every 5 seconds so honestly...I don't see a point in even thinking about it anymore.

hakuna matata- seriously. this shit that is clouding my life- gone. go. gone.

xoxo -Lisa