Then Amy called yesterday and she was extremely sweet to me. i've never heard Amy be sweet haha. But, she told me that we'd get through this.
I spoke with my dietician yesterday for about one hour on the phone. She really cares, I can tell- I know. I agreed to add 2 foods into my diet so I can slowly work back up to meals. This is what we did back in August too so I know it works and for me it's all about doing what I'm comfortable with and keeping my head in the right place. 1. broccoli 2. sweet potato. I can do that. I can at least try that. like i said before
"BRING IT ON ED" go fuck a tree
I made an art journal last night and bought a shit ton of crayons because I think scribbling my emotions would help me get then out better than cutting. I promised Nancy I wouldn't cut while she was gone. I can't break that promise. And ..dude- my drawing last night before I went to bed....hahaha. I wish I could explain what it was. I can say I originally scribbled FUCK YOU in black and then I tried to cover it up with more angry things ... and the blue is the random serene and okay thoughts I would have...yeah...my brain is not a logical place...Despite all of this- I feel two extremes even more. When I was sitting in Amy's office- I felt like I could do this- with my job which i really like because it feels like a home to me already- time moves faster- I felt like I could do this. 8 sessions with Amy will really help me. Amy is a pusher. I can't get away with shit. I can't manipulate her, not that I really do that with Nancy but Nancy is more warm and less abrasive. I love Amy's style as well -- it's definitely something I need and right now is a good time. Plus, when I mentioned that I hated the fact that at the end of this month, I'd have to deal with never seeing her again, she did bring to my attention how Nancy is bound to go on vacation or something- she won't always be there 24/7 and then...I have Amy. I realize HOW lucky I am to have a back up therapist that knows me so well and ...yeah
ALSO on a much lighter note... Alex got me these for christmas..
LOVE IT hahaha
xoxo -Lisa
That's great that Nancy is so nice and understanding. I am terrified of getting too close to my therapist because I have a lot of anxiety about how close is too close, you know? I'd be afraid she'd say something like, "You've misunderstood our relationship. I'm just your doctor. Please back off."
ReplyDeleteP.S. Good talking to you yesterday! You're pretty awesome.
Dude, writing (scribbling) is such a great way to get your emotions out, it really is. As a musician, when I'm going through heartbreak, or frustration, or feeling alone or whatever, I just sit down, and write out what I'm feeling into a story. As music.
ReplyDeleteI always feel relieved after I put it down in words.
You should try writing some lyrics for me to put music to, like, really!
It's interesting how even when I know I have a number of people who care about me, if even one of them disappears from my life, even if it's just for a little while, I feel like I'm losing my whole world sometimes. It's a scary feeling. Even when it's just an illusion in my mind.
I just don't want to ever truly be alone.
I loveee you, it is hard but you cann get through this! You are so strong, but I know how hard it is when things change especially when a rough patch comes. I think finding what you like and are good at can be especially helpful. you for example are AMAZING at art.
ReplyDeleteanywayyy i lovee you a lot. and remember that you have tons of peoople who loveee you
I love that you're artistic. and I'm super jealous of it at the same time. I can only imagine just how great of an outlet it can be when you're feeling frustrating emotions.
ReplyDeletebeyond that, the fact that you have two therapists who both have different styles is incredible. I'm thinking of how much better therapy could have gone for me if I had what you have. and honestly, I like that Amy is a pusher. It's just my observation from reading your blog, but I think a pusher is what you need right now. :)
I love youuu <3
*LOVE* the art journals! I also find such to be a wonderful outlet. It's awesome that you can express yourself that way. I know it definitely helps me! :)
ReplyDeleteLove you erasers, too! lol
You're awesome! Love you and take care of yourself! I *know* you can do it! *big hugs* <3
you definitely can do it!
ReplyDeleteart journals really help me out when the voice is getting to me. it helps to just get it all out in a constructive way that doesn't fuck everything up. haha i literally made a drawing like your "fuck you" one just the other day. its such a great outlet and im so proud of you for finding that :)
remember the good times! it will get better i promise!! :)
written at work - posted at home..
ReplyDeletei think the art journal is a GREAT IDEA. and the broccoli is too. an old safety food seems like a wise place to start for sure. and i think Amy and her pushing might be just what you need for a few sessions. you are strong enough to handle it now.
as you always tell me: you are stronger than you think you are.
<3
I just realized how close we live to eachother. Well, like 3 hours, but that's close! I also know an Alex that lives in/near Atlanta so it's kind of freakin me out that you mentioned an Alex. The Alex I know is a girl..........
ReplyDeleteI think the drawing thing is a great idea. I went through a phase about a year ago were I'd color in a coloring book whenever I was feeling stressed. It was really comforting for some reason. Like reverting back to childhood? Something to think about.
<3 Tori
Thanks for the fabulous comment and advice!!
ReplyDeleteI <3 art journals, they can be super fun and actually quite calming.
You sound like a strong person, I look forward to reading more :)
xx
loveee the art journals. doing stuff like that kept me sane freshman year.
ReplyDeletealso... check out crayola slick stix. they're a coloring revelation :) like, life changing. or, well, i guess doodle changing.
you can make it through the next few weeks!