How did this happen again? relapse?

First off, I know my updates have not been the most uplifting and recovery oriented but I'm just being honest with where my mind and thoughts are at this moment in my life.

What exactly has triggered me this round to kick me out of my uber pro-recovery mode and back into my super super ambivalent mode?

• So...which is it? 1)Nancy going on leave  2) B and I ending things  3)being at a "healthy" weight

1) Nancy going on leave. Well, since I've written about this in every fucking entry...I really don't feel the need to elaborate. Attachment issues- how I can't get attached...but with Nancy...shit-balls. it's another story. I've never been so attached to someone before. I haven't gone more than 4 days since March without speaking with her. She's basically eluded to me that she was trying to prove to me that adults/parental figures can set correct boundaries and really care.  So now I feel like a young child whose mother is leaving for weeks. It reminds me of when I babysit and children just bawl when their mom leaves. So, naturally ... i'm scared shitless. The thought of her being unreachable makes my anxiety fly through the roof.

2) B. BOYS ( i feel like I need to wear caution tape around them so they stay away ). I think I got lucky in the sense that 3 days after things stopped between us, Nancy dropped her bomb which obviously took precedent. Of course, there are nights that I struggle with emotions towards the situation but... i'm surprised due to my recent turn on of emotions how little this has effected me compared to other things. Honestly, I am still wondering if I'm just SO used to turning emotions off regarding boys that I still have yet to learn how to feel correctly in this category.

3) I have good and bad moments. Sometimes for an hour- I can look at myself and like it.. and all of a sudden- I'll look in the mirror and hate everything I see.

The answer is obvious, how this all happened is the combination of all of these -- I am overwhelmed. I don't develop close relationships where I truly open myself up much. Two of those relationships just got shaken. One is over and the other has really thrown me for a loop. I don't want to break down. I want to stay functional. Sure, I had to quit a real job and find a less demanding one but I don't want to end up in all day therapy again. I want to continue to live at home and work a job. I want to keep that freedom.

And of course right now my brain is totally set on-- if I keep my emotions regulated I will succeed and eventually move onto bigger and better things from the pathetic version of life I'm living now. Of course, I know that if I continue to want to use symptoms and let myself slide so I can reach a "goal weight" where supposedly I'm comfortable.... it will take control over me. When they say...goal weights are dangerous- I never believed them. I told my treatment team OVER AND OVER again that I just wanted to be [X] lbs and then I'd start being healthy again. I got to [X] lbs but I was so scared that I'd gain if I didn't continue my behaviors and of course that caused me to lose a few more lbs...which then made my goal weight lower than it used to be. they were right-of course they were right... sneaky little fuckers.

So...what's my plan for now? I'm so incredibly ambivalent I don't even know where I stand. I know from experience that this can take over. I'm on a slippery slope-- i could easily lose my life to this again but for some reason the voice that is saying that I've "got this under control this time-I've learned new ways to stay off the deep end and stay in control"...that is the voice I'm hearing MUCH louder. Even though...honestly I've had things pointed out to me that show me that I'm sliding more than I realized. I'm started to retreat more. Eating disorders make one selfish. I lose and push friendships away when I'm at my worse. I have been more easily overwhelmed lately and I was called out today by one of my friends about how I've let our relationship fall to the wayside...which for certain relationships- it's fine. I don't care that much but for others... ED got in the way. AGAIN. This is something I AM planning on watching now that it's been pointed out to me. I DO NOT want to retreat back into the deep black hell hole I was in this summer.

oh on much much lighter note- I've become addicted to Trader Joe's Candy Cane green tea. AMAZING. I've always like mint tea but this is 10000x better. I'm sad it's only around on the holidays. I might pull an old lady move and stock up on them before they are put away again. If you shop at Trader Joe's ( which is also AH-MAAZING ) - get SOME. NOW.  :-]  I've even uploaded a beautiful picture of myself with my lovely box of tea.

xoxo
-Lisa