...hopefully. I have this odd feeling about tomorrow. Like I'll be okay or I'm going to be able to suppress the intensity of my emotions. I honestly don't know which one it would be or if I do hold myself together which one it is- if I'm truly okay and finally get it and will just miss her or if I'm blocking something. I WANT TO NOT CRY. My goal is to NOT cry like I have been for the past 4 weeks. I will not cry and handle this rationally like a "big girl".
So I don't know what my issue with sleep is but I decided yesterday night/this morning at 5 AM it'd be a good idea to go to bed- keep in mind- I saw Nancy at 9. And I came home figuring I'd nap. I woke up around 2 hours after I fell asleep.... I LOVE SLEEEEP DAMMIT. come back into my life.
In lieu of sleeping last night I re-decorated my apt, cleaned it AGAIN, made a giant collage of all the pictures I've posted on these blogs and hung them onto a wall of mine ( I LOVE IT ) I'll take a picture sometimes. Then made Nancy a thank you/happy holidays card last night- I wasn't sure if she'd take it or not- but she did :) The cover was a sketch I drew earlier and I included a hand written letter inside the card. She didn't seem to think twice about taking the card so that's good. She said she thought it was beautiful and she loves home-made cards... I'll build up the courage to ask her for a hug tomorrow... or somehow sneak it into my "homework" that she gave me. She wants me to list out- on paper all my regrets and appreciations from this calendar year. Then to write out the hopes for next year.
Uhm. My regret list is really goddamn long. My appreciation list consists of certain people, my blog, my cats, having a place to live...and some other really basic things. hah. I snuck in under the hopes section that NM would give me a hug. hah. we're going to be using this sheet tomorrow, so that WILL get brought up. I'm nervous. very nervous. I'm really really trying to hold back. I have a feeling I've been pushing away recently. I've been "bolting" out of our sessions for the past few weeks. Around the end, I will ask "can i go now?" yeah, I NEVER used to do that. NEVER.
OH AND GOOD NEWS: I didn't purge last night AND I added into my diet what Eileen told me to.
AND I WILL NOT PURGE TODAY.
So- on a non therapy note- my seat belt broke. a few days ago- I went to goodwill and apparently the entire ..something in the front needs to be replaced- I know jackshit about cars- well this is going to cost 300+ dollars AND at least one day. So...now I have a little silver rental car. So, all in all to get my damn seat belt fixed, It's going to be over 500 fucking dollars. LOVE IT...good news is my first paycheck from my new job is this Friday...
xoxo -Lisa
YES, it WILL be okay! :) And hooray for purge-free days where you also increase your diet. I think that's something to be proud of.
ReplyDeleteTwo random things: That card is beautiful and I want you to post a new picture of your cats. meow.
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Yeah see, you're doing quite great all things considered :)
ReplyDeleteBesides, you're fighting a really big battle, and the bigger the battle the longer it'll take. But remember! The greater the obstacle, the more glory overcoming It!
Just think about how awesome you are going to feel in the future when you look back at this blog and all the hardships you went through.
Keep hold of the little victories :)
You're going to be just fine without Nancy, and you know it. Just have to give yourself time to adjust, again :)
Congrats on the no purging! Harness that feeling of success and rein it in next time you're feeling urgey :)
ReplyDeleteI'm so proud of you for not purging! Way to go! :) And I think it's awesome that you made a card for Nancy. I love making things for my therapist! Oh, and I'd give *anything* for a hug from my shrink, but it'll prob never happen... T_T Hang in there. You can do this! *hugs* :)
ReplyDeleteYAY for no purging!! Your card is beautiful-you can really draw!
ReplyDeleteAs for the crying...Big girls do cry, only little girls stuff down their emotions and don't let them out.. My nutritionist told me that and I've spent MANY afternoons since crying until I had gotten all my sad, frustrated, angry, happy, you name it emotions out. After my little cry I got up and kept on going. I felt really weird but didn't purge, cut, carve, starve, or do anything else destructive to my body - crying is perfectly normal!
I LOVE hugs from my therapists and ask for them regularly! You can too!
Keep going! *HUG*
Well done sweetness, much love and thinking of you. Thank you for all your kind messages on my blog too. I have felt so down and they cheer me up :) xx
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