---I've been totally entrenched in symptoms for the last few days. I did not want to actually blog it out because I wanted to hide it. I didn't want anyone to stop me or try to convince me otherwise. When I was on a weight gain plan earlier I felt like it was okay to eat because I NEEDED ( supposedly ) to gain weight. I don't feel legit anymore. I just don't. I know I'm healthy, which is something to be thankful for but why am I not? Why do I now feel so horrible about myself? But at the same time, I know I can't just keep all these thoughts to myself.
My head has been spinning. I was having such disordered thoughts and not fighting it, instead I've been almost encouraging myself. I felt like I was a failure at having an eating disorder--like I just failed. I was thinking that I had to be determined to actually succeed this time around. I WANTED TO FINALLY GET SOMETHING RIGHT. It was really already starting to get to me. I felt myself get so scared by looking at certain foods. I started to obsess over numbers again. I didn't want to blog this because I didn't want to trigger anyone and I DID/DO NOT WANT TO BE STOPPED. I had moments where I felt like I wanted to maybe move in the right direction...but I always retreated back to symptoms that night.
...but I KNOW KNOW KNOW that this was so wrong...SO WRONG.
I once even told Nancy that I felt like I failed and she responded with
"Succeeding at an eating disorder is dying Lisa"
I KNOW when I stop using symptoms-- this is the body I HAVE to be comfortable with.
I was/am slipping....
I know I can't do this and continue to have my life
i can't continue to work, I'll end up back in some treatment center
BUT I STILL WANTED TO DO IT, even tho I don't want to lose the life I have now. my job. my freedom.
FUCK, I LOVE AMBIVALENCE
I was truly planning on lying to my dietician, Amy and Nancy. I just wasn't going to tell them- once again...I DID NOT WANT TO BE STOPPED...I truly did not want to blog this out here and admit to it... but I felt like I needed to show the reality of recovery.
. It's a bitch. It's hard as shit to do the right thing all the time. I slip...all the time, I start to plummet in the wrong direction and...i fall hard....but I've been in such intense treatment that ... i think in my head I do want to get better eventually.
I just wanted to hide behind my eating disorder for the time being. The reality behind it is that I AM SO UNCOMFORTABLE being in my body right now. So, naturally...I need/want to change it...because I want to feel better in my own skin. I know this is something that I NEED to discuss w/Nancy and Amy...but a strong part of me still doesn't want to.
THIS IS REALITY. THIS IS RECOVERY. THIS IS NOT EASY. MY BRAIN RUNS IN A NEVER ENDING CIRCLE. I feel like it's a never-ending battle..but deep down I must want to win or I would have 100% given up by now.
I finally actually did the right thing...even though now I'm flipping out because I KNOW TOMORROW'S SESSION IS GOING TO BE HELL ON EARTH. I called Nancy in a ball of tears and told her about the last few days. I knew if I didn't call her tonight when I have the courage to both admit to this here and to her, I would NOT tell her tomorrow. I would continue to play the game of avoiding and being ambivalent about this and potentially...ending back up in a even worse place then before. Each time I fall and hit the ground, the ground gets lower... There seems to be no rock bottom for me- it just keeps getting worse when I allow myself to fall and not be honest w/my treatment team. MY RATIONAL HEAD KNOWS BETTER...but my eating disorder is screaming so damn loud right now. I feel like a hypocrite even being in therapy or even saying I'm in recovery.
BUT... I told Nancy and I'm admitting to it here. I just don't know what to do about it. I know what I NEED to do....but...I don't know. I really just don't know where to go from here.
xoxo -Lisa
I'm reading an essay by Albert Camus called The Myth of Sisyphus where he discusses the absurdity of life. In it he discusses Sisyphus, a Greek tragic hero who is condemned to push a huge boulder up a mountain until he finally reaches the top, where it then rolls back to the bottom for him to push up again. He's condemned to do this for eternity. Here's an excerpt from sparknotes which summarizes it much better than I can:
ReplyDelete"We react to Sisyphus's fate with horror because we see its futility and hopelessness. Of course, the central argument of this essay is that life itself is a futile struggle devoid of hope. However, Camus also suggests that this fate is only horrible if we continue to hope, if we think that there is something more that is worth aiming for."
Here's the part I really want you to read. Sparknotes continues to say:
"Our fate only seems horrible when we place it in contrast with something that would seem preferable. If we accept that there is no preferable alternative, then we can accept our fate without horror. Only then, Camus suggests, can we fully appreciate life, because we are accepting it without reservations."
For you, the "horror" is your body at a healthy weight. But you've seen what happens when you accept this "horror". You gain freedom. You get your life back. You get back on the path to being truly happy. You are allowed to "fully appreciate life".
The idea of a healthy weight will only seem horrible so long as you have the alternative in your mind - which is the ED, which will lead you into the cycle of futility and hopelessness - just like Sisyphus pushing the rock up the hill again and again. You know that to beat this, you have to push the ED out of your mind. Which of course is ridiculously hard to do.
You already know all of this. I just hope that maybe this can put the idea of being at your healthy weight and not giving into ED thoughts in a new light.
Stay strong, I love you <3
I don't have any fabulous words of wisdom for you (how I wish i did!). All I can say is, though I don't know your precise circumstances and I would never claim to know exactly what you're going through, I do understand.
ReplyDeleteI never got scary thin, either, and was often left feeling like I failed. I've told my counselor I didn't deserve to be there. I've cried and yelled and made a genuine fool of myself in therapy.
Truth is: You're doing what you need to be doing. You're doing the right thing.
And I know it's such a fight. I know the back and forth arguments going on in your head. But I guess, in the end, we have to look at the future. Do we want to battle this for the rest of our lives? Or try like hell to get out now?
You are beautiful. Don't forget it.
I feel like I don't even know what to say. I have had similar problems with depression and what not, but never with eating disorders, so I am worried that I can't really relate.
ReplyDeleteBut I do understand that feeling of not being fucked up enough to be legitimately in need of help. But I think that that feeling is really your own brains defense mechanism against recovering. It like you are trying to convince yourself that you don't actually need to recover because you are not at THAT point. Again its hard to actually convince yourself otherwise since you are struggling against your own mind.
However, as you have seen you can keep hitting new rock bottom, so I think maybe that in itself is reason enough to fight to recover. To prevent yourself from having to go through that cycle again and again.
Just remember that your are loved and beautiful! <3
lisa,
ReplyDeleteyou are loved.
you are beautiful.
you can get through this.
i heart you.
<3
I applaud your honesty. Being honest with yourself (and your treaters) is a *HUGE* step toward recovery. Personally, there are some deep-seated issues that I *know* are in dire need of being addressed with my therapist. I've known this for a while now. Your honesty is truly inspirational. I hope I can find a way to talk as honestly and openly with my therapist. *hugs* :D
ReplyDeleteI know I've had times where I just want to hide with what I'm comfortable with, to be where I KNOW who I am, what my thoughts are, and where what I am doing will bring me, even if it hurts me.
ReplyDeleteI don't want to be in that unknown, on that scary path that makes me move into something that I am unsure of, asking myself: "Will this work", "will it make me a better person", "a safer person". Or will I climb up that ladder, see the other side, and be crushed and kicked back down into even more despair...and knowing that I failed...not just myself, but failed my friends, my family. How can I live with that, I want to stay safe, where I know where I am. Climbing out is hard...I've climbed out before, and tried, and failed, and been kicked back down to my safe place.
Three times now, and I know I don't want to come back out again.
But I know I need to try again.
I think you are incredibly strong Lisa, I envy your strength.
Aren't emotions a scary thing? The rashness and ideals Ed dumps on us makes it so easy to lose ourselves... Attaining your ideal of anorexia is Ed's goal, not you're goal Lisa.
ReplyDeleteI doubt dull hair, bruised eyes, paper-thin skin, and sharp bones protruding from your neck is anyone's beautiful. When I talk to you, not even face to face, I see you are beautiful. It's the determination and character, the amazing persistence you have despite all this shit with therapy and all - now that is beauty. And honestly, I admire you for that. I never could get myself to therapy, or even tell my parents. You have the life and absolute beauty that anorexic-zombie-lisa would never have.
And besides, anorexia is not a shape or a number. It's a psychological disease, a sick way of thinking. Some people are naturally thin, thin enough to be categorized as "anorexic," yet they may just have those genes. Emotionally, you've met you're anorexic goals just fine :P
For the past two years of high school, I had a great teacher. He taught religion class, although it was practically a psychology class. He always emphasized simply this: You are not your problem. Criticize the person, not the problem.
Is someone with cancer defined by their tumor? Sure you can be categorized as that, just as you can get the word 'anorexia' tagged on to you're history, but it doesn't make you you.
Think about what makes up you. Who are you, and who is Ed?
What do YOU want Lisa?
I wish you the best of luck with this. I feel like I have started to snap out of it, and I honestly don't know how. With such a long time since my last binge, I have had a better grip on Ed and his bullshit. Sure he's still around, and he always will be. It's made me realize recovery isn't being Ed-free. Recovery isn't some finish line; it's a way of thinking; a way of being.
How do you want to be?
I'm so sorry you're struggling, but I'm glad you've told Nancy and that you've written and admitted it here.
ReplyDeleteThis shit sucks so much and I hate it, and hate that anyone has ever dealt it. Especially amazing people like you. I wish I knew how to fix it and all of that. But...yeah. I can't. And I don't really know what to say.
But I hope that everything starts looking up. Because you're strong and so so much better than this. I'm having trouble being inspirational.
Um. I love you. And I miss talking to you all the time.
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 stay strong. you are. and you will.
Nancy is correct, succeeding is dying.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree and get what you're saying about needing to fit all of the criteria in order to get better. It's our messed up minds.
I <3 you, Lisa.
ReplyDeleteAdmitting you're in a relapse is the first step. And it's the hardest.
ReplyDeleteI understand what you mean about feeling like you failed at your eating disorder. When I was weight restored and my diagnosis changed from anorexia to EDNOS I felt intense sadness and disapointment in myself. But it helps me to remember that even at my lowest weight which was XX plus pounds ago, I had the SAME feelings about not being good at being anorexic, about not being sick enough.
The truth is that eating disorders, whatever the type, are brain disorders. They develop as a result of malnutrition. It takes over a year for full nutrition of the brain to be restored--often a lot of time AFTER weight restoration is complete. That's what is rough about this part of recovery; you are in a much different body before your brain is healthy again. And it is the restored health to your brain that finally stops the thoughts.
So I hear, so I believe.
As someone who is also in a relapse, I understand what you're going through and I'm here for you if you need to chat or grab coffee.
You CAN do this,
T